|Reviews for The Mental Health Trials of Scorpius Malfoy|
| JeanAndBilius chapter 1 . 8/2/2015
Agree! Wow! Good story!
| accia1199 chapter 1 . 5/2/2015
Wow, this is really good! I love that your OPT is Scorose it's one of mine too :) Great job :) Go BATS!
| Hawki chapter 1 . 5/2/2015
I get what you’re going for with the whole “he”/”him” thing, but the use of bolding feels more obtrusive than anything else. I think capitalizing the words by themselves would be sufficient.
Anyway, there’s not too much to say in particular, as in, there’s not really any particular phrase or word that stands out, so I can only comment generally. This is a bit hard to crack. On one hand, I appreciate the concept, and its execution – it’s the epitome of showing rather than telling, in that the reader is left to piece together what Scorpius is suffering from (presumably split personality disorder) without it ever being stated outright. It’s heightened by the heavy use of dialogue, and the feeling that we’ve arrived in the middle of a conversation and see the end of it, rather than arriving at the start. It’s a snapshot, but I think it’s a snapshot that works.
On the other hand, there are minor gripes. The language does get a bit flowery at the end. I’m not sure about the healer’s notes, as to how they fit in. On one hand, I do get it, it’s the sense of having the rug pulled out of you, or to use another metaphor, taking the dog round back to shoot it. Personally, I would have ended it with Rose’s dialogue, but I can’t fault it in of itself.
More subjective stuff, but hey, when has that ever stopped me? There’s the fact that we’re dealing with characters that from the books/films we barely know, so on one hand I feel like it’s phoned in that Scorpius suddenly has this condition. On the other, the “next generation” characters as I call them are arguably blank slates, so I suppose it’s a writer’s prerogative to do whatever they want with them. I personally feel that Bill and Fluer might have been better in that Bill has his whole pseudo werewolf thing, but now we’re really getting into personal preference.
So, overall, decent job. I do have gripes, but they stem from personal preference rather than anything objective. Step up from the second QFC entry IMO.
| 2316233 chapter 1 . 4/30/2015
OK, you're very good at writing. I like stories about mental illnesses, and the Harry Potter version of that is brilliant!
By another attack, do you mean that he went inside his head again, or he attacked someone, either way it's cool.
Rose sticking my Scorpius' side is sweet. *gets the feels*
This really was quite an original story (I haven't heard one like it, anyway).
Thanks for writing it!
| Lily MJ Fae chapter 1 . 4/30/2015
I like it. I like the emphasis on "him" but felt a little bit jarred by it. (It might just be me).
As a speaking and grammar note there are two places you forgot your quotation marks.
"Scorpius' arm. Think about it". The mark that's missing should be with think about it. (Also, I'm not sure if ones right or the other, but I was taught to drop the s after an apostrophe if there an s before it, like I did in quoting your thing. But that's a silly side note).
"Rose, I couldn't understand..." you missed the quotation Mark at the beginning. (I swear this is just too help avoid the SPAG points).
I do like the end with the healers note, and that it's hard to tell if he's imagining Rose. It's well written though :)