|Reviews for Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Rebirth|
| RayDaquaza chapter 1 . 12/11/2017
Wow. What a hook! Your prose is quite enjoyable to read and, other than some minor errors and oddities, there isn't much to complain about. The descriptions alone are wonderful and really help set up the tone. I also find myself immediately invested in Flame's circumstances, with Alice being lovable and Grovyle begging for a punch in the snoot. But I have the feeling Grovyle's actions are justified in their own way, even if they seem needlessly cold and cruel from where I'm standing.
All around a great first chapter! I will read the rest for sure, even if it may take me a while to get around to it.
| UnholyPens chapter 14 . 12/2/2017
Fuck me, I am so terribly late, I've caused the US to fall into chaos. What's that? It already is? Oh. Damn, wasted joke.
So, let's start with what I remember from this chapter when I first read it.
At this point you're already aware of the fact that last chapter was, in relativity, not good. This one? Far greater. You actually had things to write job! One step closer to me!
I jest. This chapter saw a lot of grim, and not much light to counter that. Which is fine, I suppose, since you do get to some brighter subjects in the next chapter.
The fight scene was fucking amazing, I'll give you that. Flame waking up bloodied? Fucking dope. Make that douchebag bleed out, make him SUFFER FOR POSING A THREAT TO MY POPULARITY—ahem. Really good work there. Gotta hand that one to you. The best part was Flame plungig his claws into the Seasel's eye sockets. Fuckin gruesome, love it.
Though, I'm not so sure about his wounds. Looking at it now, I'm not really sure how well he'd fare with that. I'll look into it.
Good job with the somberness. Maybe you did better than I've...?
Anyway, I suppose the rest of the chapter is Flame struggling to get his teammates out, the poor guy.
"...can you walk?" No, Flame, she cannot walk. I'd assume she can't because of her serpentine figure. Try "slither". (I jest, it was likely he said that in the spur of the moment.)
Blah blah blah, skipping stuff because I've got things to do (like maybe more reviews?), so I want to say that the ending was quite unexpected for me. I truly thought they were going to make it out. Way to prove me wrong.
Anyway, i need to go, spent way too much time doing this. I'll try and finish the other two reviews tomorrow, but we can only hope. Good luck with writing!
| ZiraDakota chapter 16 . 11/19/2017
Congratulations on another excellent chapter. I’m on mobile, so I’ll be brief.
I enjoyed the mind-probe sequence. I feel you did a much better job with it than I did in my own story.
I also liked the scene where they plot their escape. I was shocked to see Gaius not only agree to it, but happy to go along with it, though it actually makes sense for his character. It’s good to see the team holding together.
I look forward to what’s next.
| TheG0AT chapter 16 . 11/11/2017
"Prospect" - my guess is the prospect of a new life elsewhere?
This chapter seems to be building up to something. I'm not sure what it is, and it might not be for a few chapters, but I can tell that the story is soon to take a significant turn. On one end, the plan seems simple: escape and start new lives elsewhere... but that would be too easy and would mean that the developments of the empire and the war would be left in the dumpster. The story right now is shrouded in mystery. If this plan goes through, I'm looking forward to the specifics, the details, of how it happens. This chapter definitely puts the reader in a good position to speculate about the events of the next.
The characters are intriguing and mysterious, more so in this chapter than any beforehand. Alice, I swear it, is involved with the imperial court in some way. Gaius seems like he's finally been broken and is gravitating toward his two teammates since that's all he's got left that has been a constant in his recent life (even his own hands don't fit that description anymore, so I understand his attitude a bit). They're not by any means static characters. I like it.
And Flame has reached a point of desperation, so much so that he's willing to let the same Umbreon that told him she had her eye on him now literally read his mind. I admit I read that scene with a raised eyebrow - not a smart move on Flame's part. He's right that it was stupid, stupid... because it shouldn't have happened at all. I feel like his decision-making is the one part of his character that's a bit to be desired. It's an interesting trait of his: that the main character might be prone to borderline-irrational desperation when faced with a tense situation. Here's to hoping he learns from his mistake.
But back to the story. This is the type of chapter that alley oops a climactic turn of events, and even with that, I still was entertained by the content. The end alluding to them potentially becoming runaway outlaws in the near future had me smiling along with the three of them. Like I said, I'm looking forward to how the plan develops in the next chapter.
As for grammar, I sent you pictures of a couple things I saw in a DM on discord. From what I saw it was all minor stuff.
9/10 - not enough romance ( ͜。 ͡ʖ ͜。)
| Ralmon chapter 16 . 10/30/2017
Ohhh! They will become outlaws or something. Awesome!
Still, I kinda find Flame hard to relate. Flame was quite unbelievable for letting someone he barely knows read his memories. Like... Who would do that? Flame has been dong things ranging from stupid, implausible or unnatural. His character inconsistent and random that he feels garbled and broken. Maybe because he is amnesiac or something, but I can't get a feel of his character. There is a lot of mystery about his background that keeps him interesting enough.
His teammates held a lot of mystique too. Like there are something really big that they are hiding.
The plot also kinda meanders around, like it has no endgame in mind and is just made up as it goes along. Still, it kinda provide a good reading experience with all the interesting events and great characters. The great writing also helps greatly.
The story is getting intense and the main characters are getting mysterious. The story sure isn't straightforward.
| TheG0AT chapter 15 . 10/15/2017
I've caught up. Finally.
This is such a unique story that in some aspects it's almost difficult to accurately guage; I don't know what to expect from you because anything can happen at this point. The movement of the plot is quite odd and unique in its own regard, featuring frequent climaxes with everything shrouded in mystery. A lot of mystery, everywhere. I'd love to see where you take all of this, because there's a lot of questions running around in my head left and right. It seems like you're building up to something that will absolutely throw people for a loop (hopefully).
My one critique with the plot could be how drawn out that cold and snowy mystery dungeon had been, the dramatics being just a hair overboard for something that seemed like it should be relatively straightforward. Even still, kudos to you for the way it was used to develop the relationships between team members. The cuddling made me smile.
God, I envy your prose. Don't change it.
The fight scenes are quite something too. The whole disaster at Camp Horizon was a bit of a mess to read at some parts, particularly the escape, but I imagine it was so considering that's exactly what the situation was: a big mess. The fight with the Sneasles in the dungeon were awesome - didn't dwell on silly details, and played out in my mind as an engaging fight. Your descriptions are fun to read and occasionally even make me want to put music to them.
Now the characters. Up to this point, it's almost astounding to me that the trio been together for, what, less than two weeks? They might as well be family at this point! While Alice and Gaius aren't any more particular about each other than they probably have ever been (nobody really cares about their bond anyway, let's be real), I can clearly see two developing bonds coming to some kind of fruition involving the protagonist Flame. The little gestures that aren't so little anymore between Flame and Alice are the wooden beams to the skeleton of a fine ship. And Gaius and Flame's relationship is, in my opinion, even more complex, as Gaius slowly comes to terms with Flame's usefulness (the Charmeleon seems to be obsessed with this particular attribute of his and its reflection on his teammates). All the while, Gaius, being the cynical bastard that he is, is mostly refusing to come to terms with it. Still I applaud his decision to cover for Flame's odd relation to the Dusknoir at the end of the latest chapter right after tearing into him about it a bit before. I love Ariel, who's my favorite antagonistic character of the story so far, and the emporer's attitude-incompetence for office intrigues me. Sycorax is shrouded in mystery as well, so much so that it is largely uncertain whether he will pose as an ally or an enemy when all is said and done. No complaints with character development, only thumbs up.
The one scene that stood out to me that you might consider a complaint of mine is Flame's talk with that female Charmeleon, especially the end. The talk itself hardly seemed necessary since absolutely nothing came out of it, almost as if it was thrown in randomly just to add in a non-important character. And also, I wasn't sure if Flame had intentionally implied something sexual or only realized it after he said to go back to the tent with more innocent intentions. I was a bit confused at that part since I was sure that someone like Flame wouldn't try to hit it off with someone he had just met seconds before, even though the words somewhat made it seem that's exactly what he was going for. While there's certainly nothing wrong with such talk (I found the Haxorus joke to be quite funny), it just seemed a bit odd coming from Flame of all Pokemon. That's what led me to believe that that might not have been what he meant to imply despite the obviousness of "we can take this back to my tent". Now that I'm looking at it, this isn't really a complaint so much as it is me just being confused about the wording of a particular exchange.
I'm willing to bet Alice is related to the emporer. Is Flame being a future king on the menu perhaps?
In conclusion: I am impressed. This fiction is heavily underrated from what I've seen and I've got to give you a lot of credit for the way you've strung it together up to this point. The setting and overall uniqueness of the history and modern processes are a bit odd with how developed it all seems to be, but I find that a good thing. You're an excellent worldbuilder. Your writing style, while occasionally a bit dramatic, allows the words to come alive. Excellent job.
| TheG0AT chapter 8 . 10/8/2017
Okay! Roughly halfway done with what you've written to this point, so I'll leave a review.
Right away, I found that this story is in a world that I find myself wanting to know more about. The original aspects of this world, such as portal storms and the mysterious Scum and the odd behavior of dungeons, are all crafted with fine detail and are also shrouded in a potent mystery. I find it interesting how mystery dungeons are only about a decade old in this world, clearly making them a relatively new factor with all of the history you've hinted at being considered.
The characters are easy to love and easy to hate, which is perfect for me. I hate Gaius (which you probably intended) and I love Alice and Flame (which you also probably intended). They're all consistently written and they make an intriguing group of three when working together. (Also, I've got an unshakable feeling that Alice is related to the Dragonite king from the council eruption scene.) While Flame is pretty pathetically inept with his form so far, you at least deserve credit for taking it nice and slow with him. I get the feeling he won't have trouble fighting before too long, and then it'll be lit.
The prose is powerful and effective, and it usually isn't too strong to understand. I got a bit lost in the fight at the end of chapter 8 since it was a bit difficult to follow exactly what was going on and formulate a picture of it in my head, but it didn't last long and wasn't too convoluted to read. Overall, your writing style needs little to no adjustment, and I love it.
I'll leave another review when I get up to date with where you're at, but for now, I'll give kudos where kudos is due. So far, this has been an awesome read. (The only thing that'll totally complete it for me is for a good shipping to be capitalized on.) Good work!
| ArbitraryRenaissance chapter 15 . 9/11/2017
Even as a victim, Gaius is nothing but a parasite to the insecurities and misery of Flame. He's so pathetic it drives me mad.
I hate the Pokémon that Gaius is, but I don't hate the Pokémon that he can become. He's taking the first steps toward redemption, but he's still a ways away.
| Ralmon chapter 15 . 8/21/2017
Hahaha! The main characters mostly just lay around, but this chapter feels like a lot of things happened.
This chapter really creates a lot of questions and expectations from me, like a LOT! I want to keep these questions to myself because I'm feeling selfish.
Really, this chapter comes the closest to being masterful. Something that would not be out of place in publication. And for that alone, I can't criticize it (and because I like it too much).
So... Amazing! Super! Can't wait for the next update.
| CrOxxx chapter 15 . 8/21/2017
Love your writing! Can't wait for the next update!
| Adamfics chapter 6 . 8/13/2017
This will be a review of the previous chapter and this one I just finished reading. Chapter five had a lot of good moments, most memorable of them being the fight between Flame and Gaius. It was the greatest 'Wtf, Man?' scene I've ever read so far. Of course anyone would be Hella frustrated if they were trying their best for their team only to see their boss exporting what little cash they had. It was considerate of Flame to not tell Alice about their whole squabble in the tavern. That's some good thinking on his part. Also, I didn't think they'd run into Virgo and Yvaine again so soon. Speaking of Yvaine, I'm curious about the strange Aura she sensed around Flame. Whatever it is, it's obviously important.
| Adamfics chapter 6 . 8/13/2017
This will be a review of the previous chapter and this one I just finished reading.
Chapter five had a lot of good moments, most memorable of them being the fight between Flame and Gaius. It was the greatest 'Wtf, Man?' scene I've ever read so far. Of course anyone would be Hella frustrated if they were trying their best for their team only to see their boss exporting what little cash they had.
It was considerate of Flame to not tell Alice about their whole squabble in the tavern. That's some good thinking on his part. Also, I didn't think they'd run into Virgo and Yvaine again so soon. Speaking of Yvaine, I'm curious about the strange Aura she sensed around Flame. Whatever it is, it's obviously important.
| ShadowVulpi chapter 14 . 7/19/2017
Alright, looks like I caught up with this story.
My thoughts on everything are somewhat the same as in the last review, but there are a few new things I'd like to say after getting this far.
You were kind of right when you said that the story's plot would be going somewhere soon. In chapter 13, you did give hints that there is something going on with Flame that could potentially be quite sinister. I imagine that he was probably an agent sent from the Scum to spy/sabotage the Imperial Forces, but then something went wrong and he lost his memory. I can't imagine why else the Dusknoir would seem so confused after it seemed to happy to see him prior. I don't know when more of this will be elaborated on, but it's a start into the plot and I do appreciate that.
But then chapter 14 somewhat ruined that. It didn't exactly do anything to help the story. It didn't develop the characters or the plot; it was just a way to torment the characters when they were already stuck in the frigid dungeon and had just escaped from a bloody brawl. That brings me to my main concern I have about this story I've thought about now that I'm all caught up; a big risk toward Darkness-Induced Audience Apathy.
I can get that this world is pretty bad. It's in a terrible condition due to the war going on with the Scum and other such things that are mentioned in the meetings. So, I can understand that not everything can be pleasant in this world. There will always be rough times in the story. However, I know that in situations like this, it is very easy to induce apathy. You haven't quite achieved it yet, but these last 3 chapters started putting me on edge. I mean, Flame and company just got forced away to go somewhere they didn't want to go to, and then Scum attack and start killing everyone. Then they get lost in a dungeon that nearly freezes them all to death. Then there's a whole chapter dedicated to them suffering through the exact same thing. That's an awful lot of things going wrong for them when they only had relaxation for maybe half of one chapter.
Like I said, you haven't reached this level of darkness quite yet, but I feel like you're getting very close to it. You don't want to be there, no matter what. I just wanted to warn you so that you don't make that easy mistake.
But other than that remark, I can say that I'm liking the story now that I've seen what's been posted. I can appreciate the world a little more now and it doesn't feel alien to me. I can practically imagine what it feels like to be there with your descriptions and you have your own workings of the Pokemon universe. I don't exactly agree with all of them (like the Sableye having blood when it's a ghost-type), but you do have rules in place and it's nice to see them being implemented and explored.
Good luck with writing more of this story. It has potential to go down quite a number of interesting paths.
| ShadowVulpi chapter 7 . 7/11/2017
I started reading this story a while ago and decided that this would be a good place to leave my overall impressions (so far up to this point anyway). I usually don't read PMD stories anymore, but something about your story told me to give it a chance.
I can tell right away that you were heavily inspired by Overthrown by Knightfall. I read that story when it was still being updated, and you two most definitely remind me of each other in many ways. You're both inspired by historical events, aren't afraid to delve into the dark themes, love the Charmeleon, use the concept of two "partners" for the hero, use a grim, war-torn setting that only vaguely resembles the traditional PMD setting, and love to use flowery prose. I'd almost say that Rebirth is like a reboot or spiritual successor of Overthrown due to this.
However, you do avoid some of the pitfalls that Overthrown fell into. Namely, you don't dwell too much in detail. Though your prose is colorful, I never felt that it lingered in one scene for too long. It got its point across and then moved on. You didn't write "purple prose" in which you describe something for paragraphs and paragraphs with words that most people have never even heard of. I appreciate that. I always enjoy stories that are snappy but eloquently show off the interactions in the scenes.
Most of the characters are well-written and likeable. I do find Flame's reactions to the world to be realistic for someone who can't even remember his own name and find Alice to be a nice, kind-hearted Dragonair (seemingly). The only one I really hate is Gaius. I hate that Grovyle. At first I was only mild infuriated with him because of his interactions with Flame, even if it was justified with the situation. Then he started buying alcohol with the team's money that they desperately needed to keep. How Alice doesn't know that he's spending their money since I'm sure he's been doing this for a while, I don't know. But that moment cemented him as a loathsome character for me and I still haven't changed my mind about him. I'm sure he's got a reason for why he's acting the way he is, but I still feel this thick poison circulate through my veins whenever he shows up. I'm really hoping that he gets a redeemable moment soon, because I really just don't like characters that are absolute detriments to teams but nobody has the guts to do anything about it. I get that he's still on the team because Alice needs him or else she'll be all alone with Flame who's not exactly very useful, but I still feel my patience get tested every single time Gaius shows up.
The setting is a bit weird for me. It's certainly well thought out; it's just a strange concept to me because I'm so used to regular PMD settings. But even though I'm not entirely used to it, I will give you credit for making it a convincing world. I can tell you put a lot of time into crafting the world and who rules it. You even gave it an enemy in the form of Scum, which is treated as something absolutely evil even though I get vibes of grey on grey mortality with how this story is going. I feel like there's something about the Scum that nobody knows about yet, or at least, not anything that any of those in powers want commoners to know about.
Overall, it's a very well-put together story from what I've seen so far. I just have two complaints at this point, one of which you might not exactly agree due to the subjectivity of it.
My more objective complaint is that the story isn't really going anywhere plot-wise. I know that it's only Chapter 7, but I feel like the story should have gone somewhere by this point. Like maybe something small like a run in with Scum or something. If this was a character-drive piece I would have been fine with the slow pace, but this is a PMD setting, which is typically more action and plot driven. Despite this being a very different setting than most PMD stories, it still carries the genre's weakness of having a slow start that doesn't really go anywhere for a while. It's mostly just character introductions and world-building, no real plot. The plot is just "Flame hopes that being on a team will lead to answers about his past". I know that's a very standard plot beginning for most PMD stories until a twist hits, but it's still a weakness that I felt I needed to point out.
My other complaint is a bit of a strange one, and that's the course language in this story. Now I don't have a problem with swearing. I've watched numerous shows with even worse language than your story and didn't feel that there was anything wrong. However, I feel that it doesn't work here because it's Pokemon. Now, I know that seemingly doesn't make sense, but you see, harsh language is a human thing. Fuck, shit, asshole, etc are all human words that we've decided have negative connotations to them. We took them from aspects of our culture and constantly change their meaning/make new swears based on the current culture. We use them to get our points across when regular words don't. It would be fine if this story had humans, but it doesn't. It has Pokemon. Pokemon have developed their own culture apart have humans in this world seemingly, so it doesn't really make much sense for me to have them using human swears. It just doesn't fit.
I would say the same about the sexual content, but I realized in the end that sexuality actually does fit in this story. Pokemon are animals with human-like complexity, and both have sex and relationships as a major part of their lives. And since you introduced it early enough in the story, it wasn't jarring to suddenly see all of these dirty conversations. And you do it tastefully enough too so that it's not smutty. I just can't say the same about the swearing. It just doesn't sit well with me since the very specific swearing the characters use is a human kind. If they had their own little swears like "son of a Skuntank", then it'd be more fitting since it integrates their culture into it.
I don't know if anything I said is really all that helpful. Maybe all of my complaints get addressed in later chapters. But these were my impressions for the chapters I've read so far and I thought that they should be shared with you.
| Adamfics chapter 4 . 7/2/2017
Man, your chapters sure are long. I feel like i've read eight even though i've only read four. But, the more the merrier i suppose.
Anywho, the story has been really astonishing so far. There's so much mystery to this story and i can't wait to see how you explored all of it in the future. The most interesting one is probably the peculiar storms ravaging the country, and the word 'Ascension'.
Flame most likely has something to do with it. Speaking of the guy, i've always enjoyed how you portrayed his growing guilt of lying about his origins. It was especially evident toward the end of the fourth chapter. Not only that, but his realization of how much his team is really struggling really show how much he's growing as a character. I'd like to see them grow even closer in later chapters to be honest.