|Reviews for Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Rebirth|
| cynsh chapter 14 . 9/5/2019
Alright, I’ve read a lot of chapters since the last review, so hopefully that will make this one a little more balanced and… honestly idk, let’s just see what happens.
Starting with chapter 8. I promise that this review will not just be a long list of criticisms, BUT… I didn’t really enjoy this one. It felt really long, miserable, and the only really satisfying moments came at the end with the fight against those ferals. I’m sure you wanted to express that the dungeon was a slog – which definitely was expressed – but when every moment drags like they did here, it’s just… not very enjoyable to read.
Chapter 9 was a nice change of scenery. There were a couple of things that stood out. Firstly, the absolute brutality towards Scum. The hatred Gaius has of them makes me think they seriously hurt him in the past – and I don’t remember him saying anything much about his background, so perhaps those wounds are still hurting? It looked that way. Also, the mutterings of the guards when the Scum Leafeon gets turned over… if your intention here was to create a ‘yeeeesh’ reaction in the reader, then it really worked, dammit. Good worldbuilding, though.
Then there’s Flame and Alice’s sparring. The question this made me ask is: how has Flame… seemingly mastered control of his fire so quickly? And his fighting in general. It seems to have been a very fast transition from Flame’s fighting ability being ‘completely useless’ to ‘actually pretty good’. Or perhaps I’m misremembering.
Gaius is still really unlikeable. This stood out, again, when they’re sharing the bread in chapter 10 – or at least, Flame’s trying to. He’s not even nice to Alice, really. Also, the food descriptions in this scene were truly amazing.
Speaking of Gaius, something that’s been bothering me is the way Flame sees him. He seems to flip flop between loving Gaius (in a loose sense, of course) and disliking him (as he understandably would). In chapter 13, Flame has this thought:
‘He loved Team Phalanx more than himself.’
Yet in chapter 14, Flame thinks this:
‘Even in the midst of more pressing thoughts, it did not escape him how strange it was to hear any sort of care for [Gaius’] fate.’
They don’t really match up, no? These are still old chapters, so my criticism might not be much use now – but I think you need to be more careful with what Flame thinks, make sure he doesn’t contradict himself. Lines like that in chapter 13 seem to almost be thrown carelessly out there, but they confused me and took me right out of the moment.
I think the story would do just fine with less of Flame’s introspection in general. Particularly as it’s seemed to be repeating itself recently in regards to his feelings for Alice and Gaius. Something Flame thinks in chapter 13 sums up my thoughts quite well, heh:
‘No, he couldn't get distracted now. The situation was grave enough without his thoughts wandering about, as they always did.’
But, there are probably readers who enjoy the introspection very much, so it’s up to you.
Anyway, back to chapter 11. I liked the fishing scene, and Flame’s inventiveness. Seeing Pokémon use their abilities to creatively solve problems is a favourite ‘thing’ of mine, heh. The sub-plot of Flame figuring out a new way to investigate his memories, getting a glimpse of hope only for it to fall apart was well done, and… well, in keeping with the story’s tone, I guess. I felt for Flame after Livia’s rejection, haha. Though just how quickly his attraction to her appeared surprised me. Because (whispering) isn’t he supposed to get with Alice eventually…?
I think I felt similarly about chapter 12 as I did for 8. Lots of detail, not a lot of useful information gathered. Don’t have a whole lot to say about that one, sorry.
I REALLY liked a lot of things in chapter 13, though. The image of Gaius nuzzling his head into Flame, the person he hates, just to prevent himself freezing to death was brilliant. The fine details really worked here. The stakes were really high throughout, with any wrong move resulting in death for all of them. Everyone is on the verge of collapse.
And I feel mostly the same about chapter 14, positively speaking. But I will still say a few things. Flame’s absolute refusal not to leave Gaius behind felt a bit too heroic. He can’t face the prospect of leaving Gaius to die… but in a situation this desperate, I’m not sure it’s as bad as he thinks?
Flame saying, "Hey. It's the final push. If you didn't give up earlier, no sense in doing so now." made me cringe a bit. I’m sorry.
I would have liked this chapter to end with some HOPE – because I know, having peeked ahead, that they make it back to civilisation safely… I think. I also hope that the story will get a bit more ‘hopeful’ as a whole now, given the hell these three characters have been through, and the near-constant hopeless tone of the story. I hope that we start getting some more concrete answers about Flame’s past (the recognition with the Scum ‘leader’ was interesting, but it’s still only hints!), about what the Scum really are and how they can be stopped, at how the portal storms and mystery dungeons spreading can be stopped too. I hope fewer ‘good’ Pokémon get slaughtered.
Around the start of this story, I thought that Flame would somehow hold a key towards ending these things. I’m not sure of that now, but he still MUST be very important in some way. I’m hoping we get to find out how soon.
| MagicAngelo chapter 7 . 9/3/2019
Hello hello, Shadow! Sorry for taking so long to drop a review, but it’s here now! First, I’ll get my general thoughts about this chapter out: nothing too exciting happened here plot-wise, but it’s nice to see the relationship between Alice and Flame progress a little (although Gaius seemed a little like a third wheel here). It’s definitely a set-up for something big in future chapters, I feel like, with the little bits of foreshadowing dropped here and there.
I don’t have anything bad to say about this chapter, only a little nitpick about the third-wheel comment and the fact that Virgo came off as a nuisance in this chapter. For the former, Gaius felt a little like an accessory in the background, not much interactions with his own team other than snapping at them from time to time. Perhaps this could be explained by saying that Flame didn’t want to talk to him (for good reason) and that’s why we didn’t see much of the grovyle this time. For Virgo, he seems to like to run his mouth without any battles to entertain himself with. That’s not a bad thing on its own, having a wisecrack with the main trio is nice, but he can still come off as slightly grating on occasion.
And that’s all of the nitpicks I have. Now onto the good stuff! Seems like it’s starting off with a dream sequence, which raises the question of what happened to him before he wound up with Team Phalanx. Was the second person trying to save him from danger and Flame didn’t realise? Or were they kidnaping him under the pretence of being helpful? Perhaps we’ll get to find this out soon...
Then Flame wakes up, and the team prepares to find Ariel. One thing that did stand out as an oddity was how specific Gaius was with the time of day. But I didn’t bring it up as a nitpick was because how it was a one-and-done line, it wasn’t like it was constantly brought up as a topic throughout the chapter.
Then of course, the subject of the bar fight gets brought up, although not explicitly. Gaius seemed pretty pissed that Flame “nearly kissed him”, despite the fact that he goaded Flame into fighting in the first place. Granted, Gaius was under the influence of alcohol, but still, reeeaaal smart of him. I can just imagine the “surprised Pikachu” face he wore at the moment.
I like that Flame actually takes the time to think of the consequences behind telling Alice about the incident. He’s being pretty forward-thinking so far, which is a nice trait to see in the main protagonist. Although, I wonder If he’ll be prepared for the inevitable fallout once he tells her after the mission is over...
Now they finally meet Yvaine and Virgo! I think it’s hilarious to see Flame’s monologue constantly label Virgo as a creep, and adorable to see him protect Alice from Virgo the Creep. D’aw, that’s sweet of him.
(Flame, calm down, for the love of Arceus. You’re going to give Alice an ulcer from having to tell you to chill out all the time.)
Ah jeez, why are the scariest scenes in bars? Virgo the Creep didn’t help matters at all, but in all honesty, I don’t see how the situation could’ve been salvaged with a crowd that vengeful. Pretty depressing situation for both parties, hopefully Team Phalanx will be able to pull this off, if to appease the town folks a little.
Aaaaaa, I absolutely adore any scenes exclusively with Flame and Alice. It’s such a fresh breath of air from the darker moments of the story, it almost feels out of place haha. They’re just so sweet together, with Alice guiding him on his powers, and Flame actually improving. And testing his powers on Virgo the Creep. That was the best part; actually managing to shut him up for a minute.
Now for Chapter 7
Ooh, I really liked this chapter! Maybe even more than the last one. Our first real look at the emperor, and his senators, and a fun dungeon crawl scene to boot. I can’t exactly tell where does the emperor stand yet; he seems nice enough, and yet we’ve seen the state of the country/continent he’s ruling, which is not good, to say the least. Plus, his thoughts about his father are... concerning. What does his father have that he doesn’t, huh? The entire scene with the senators was really intense too (half-expected a bloodshed to occur right there and then.)
And back to Team Phalanx! Ooh, dungeons only appearing less than a decade ago? That’s an interesting tidbit, it definitely opens up more questions about just how they came about in the first place. Flame’s certainly got the right idea about researching the new world he’s in. He’s a quick thinker too, with the way he threw out that “no fog” point at Gaius. I’m also starting to notice the way Flame seems compelled to disagree with whatever Gaius suggests, which is understandable, considering Gaius was about to abandon him not just five minutes ago. But it’s nice to see that he has the restraint to not act on his emotions during an important mission.
(And Virgo continues to be a jerk.)
An anomaly never trapped someone before? I think that something like this could possible happen, it’s just that nobody has lived to tell the tale. Even if this was just a trick of a ghost, I have a feeling that a similar scenario might still play out for real in future chapters.
Oop, found a typo. “Tandrum” is supposed to be “tantrum”.
The entirety of the ghost fight was entertaining as heck too! It’s lovely to see Flame try to help out by using the fire attacks Alice helped him to learn. Not that it exactly worked out in the end, but still, A for effort, Flame. It’s interesting to see how holding in a fire move can affect the user negatively, I’ve never seen anything like that before. Usually fire-types are portrayed as pretty much invulnerable, so it’ll be interesting to see how Flame reacts to this obstacle in the future.
Aw, the last scene had pretty cute banter between the main trio. Even Gaius cracked a joke? What’s this sorcery? And of course, Flame is the only ‘mon Gaius tells to shut up. However, this makes me fear for their safety in the near future...
Well, that’s all I have to say for chapter 6 and 7! Sorry that it wasn’t as long as it could’ve been, but I hope that you like it. I’ll see you in the next couple of chapter.
| cynsh chapter 7 . 8/16/2019
I’m really growing to like this world. The dreary, miserableness of it all. Everyone hates everyone, pretty much. The tavern scene with the Marowak illustrated this really well. It’s not something I’ve ever really seen in PMD stories before.
The plot feels a bit slow-moving, though. I think this is partly in the amount of introspection Flame has. Sure, it’s good to know how he feels about things, but I think a fair amount of that can be implied anyway. The way you write in general is pretty description-heavy; I just think it could be toned down a little. But that’s a preference thing.
Don’t have much else to say for general points, so I’ll go into the chapters:
-The big event here is the Flame-Gaius confrontation. Gaius’ attitude… well, it surprised me that he’d be happy to do something like this. The fact he’s a grumpy bastard has been well-documented already – but this, sabotaging his own team, is a big step up. What good is that for anyone? I am again baffled at how there’s any partnership between him and Alice, who is by far the most ‘good’ character so far. Alice trusted him, too!
-Flame ‘involuntarily cocking his head backwards’ in breathing fire creates a funny image of his head tilting up to the sky. Seemed a bit of an odd action, anyway.
-Maybe a small point, but I found it strange that Flame wasn’t more interested in Yvaine’s comment about his aura being ‘not from these lands’. He still doesn’t know where he’s from – isn’t there a chance Yvaine could give her a clue? I guess he just doesn’t like talking about himself at all, understandably.
-But that brings me onto another point. Flame slipped a few times in these chapters. When he says his name’s ‘not exactly mine’, and in chapter six, just casually mentioning that he’s only been alive for two days. I don’t know, I think I might like Flame more if he didn’t blurt these things, just kept them to his thoughts. Being more careful, and less… goofy, I guess?
-At the end of one section, you say of Flame and Alice, ‘the constant chatter between them seemingly endless’. I mean… really? They weren’t chatting that eagerly, were they? Heh.
-Not sure I want to know what ‘chars, gabs, eons’ Virgo is referring to, lmao
-How does Gaius know that it’s nearly 6? Are there big clocks in Aesernia, or something? Do they have watches?
-Slightly suspicious of how they apparently walked 25 kilometres to Sperantia Nova in… significantly less than a day, it seems. That would take quite a few hours. Maybe it’s not totally unreasonable though.
-Surprised that Flame saw the funny side at being soaked by Alice’s water. Also not sure what exactly Alice taught Flame in regards to breathing fire. She just… did it, and that somehow gives him the ability to as well? That said, I do love Flame’s awkwardness in this scene, hahaha.
-Right at the start – the banners depict… an eagle? What, an actual eagle, or a Pokémon equivalent? Apparently Braviary fits that description. Hmm…
-Not sure what to make of Adrian’s scene, other than that he seems very unpopular with the senate, and… seems inexperienced? As if he’s just taken over power? I’m not good at speculating…
-Why does Flame’s own fire hurt his throat? Surely that can’t happen every time he breathes it… and Alice seems to have no problems, despite not even being a fire-type. I guess it’s just because he did the whole process really badly?
-Again raised my eyebrows at Flame saying ‘not if we can help it’ at the end. Maybe I’m just seeing him as more quiet and withdrawn than he actually is.
| cynsh chapter 4 . 8/10/2019
I suppose I'll start by talking about the narrative and such. I don't really have any complaints about that side of things so far. The world seems pretty miserable, but it's also fairly developed in the sense of having prisons, hospitals, legal documents and such. There’s plenty of mystery, with the portal storms, the Scum and things. I’m intrigued to see where it goes. In chapter 4 we got some more information about the world beyond Aesernia, which was cool too, and it didn't feel like an exposition dump.
Generally, I think the writing is good. The biggest problem I’ve seen though is in over-description, whether it be in Flame’s thoughts or just general narration. A lot of those things may just be preference on my part, but here’s one example from chapter 3 that I hope illustrates the point:
‘"What's with that bag?" Gaius asked him, denying the monologue of how thankful he was that wished to stream out of his mouth on its own accord.’
I didn’t seem to notice this in chapter 4 though.
I also think the chapters have been very well-paced so far in terms of content; none of them have felt really stuffed with events or not enough happening. So that's good!
As for the characters... there's actually not a whole lot I can say on Flame. His reactions and behaviour has been realistic, given he knows almost nothing. Alice and Gaius both intrigue me. Mainly in terms of how they found themselves in a team together in the first place. (By the way – Team Plananx? Hopefully the meaning of that name will be revealed later…) Their personalities are just so different – Alice being hopeful, and very kind and friendly towards Flame; Gaius being grumpy and cynical. If they weren’t forced together in this team, I can’t see them being on good relations…
I’ll note some specific things from each chapter now. Ch1:
-I like how, when Gaius and Alice were first introduced, the former got described as just ‘some sort of green lizard’, while Alice got a MUCH more substantial description, even being called ‘angel-like’, heh.
-Related, though – I’m a bit confused over how much knowledge Flame has of other Pokémon species. Take the way the Bisharp in this chapter is described: ‘some sort of bipedal creature that seemed to be made almost entirely out of metal…’. Sounds like Flame has no idea what it is. Yet the species is given straight after this. I have a feeling this is just for convenience, which I suppose is fine, I am nit-picking a lot here… but it was a little strange.
Oh, but then chapter 4 says, ‘Maybe he could look at the Dragonair entry, or the Grovyle one, to find out what his teammates were capable of, or perhaps that creepy Paras bug.’ So… he does know them? Anyway, I’ll move on.
-It was more noticeable in chapter 3, but you used ‘cranium’ as a substitute for ‘head’ a few times. This was a bit distracting, especially when using them interchangeably. Cranium is not a word I ever really hear.
Ch2 – All I noted down here were wording irregularities, so…
-Alice saying they should ‘add him [Flame] to our team’ felt a bit awkward, like game-speak when it doesn’t really fit.
-There’s a sentence that says, ‘…as he collapsed back onto the pitiful excuse for a bed, uncaring of any potential splinters he may accidentally find in his they were just checking something about him…’. Some missing words here.
-‘Each was at least a double storey, and decorated by reliefs that sometimes stretched around the entirety of the structure’ – I’m pretty sure relief isn’t the right word here, heh.
-‘Racksuck’ was a funny typo. I’m sorry.
-Alice apparently took several minutes to lift their bag’s flap. Several minutes is… a very long time. Wouldn’t Flame have offered to help by then?
-When the Paras is first described, it’s not stated that it’s smaller than Flame (even much smaller?). I feel that’s important, especially given, ‘The foremost of its six legs were larger in size, almost scythe-like’. Flame would be terrified if it was his size, I think.
-I had to look up what ‘gelid’ meant, and it seems to mean ‘very cold’… in which case saying ‘gelid cold’ is a bit odd.
-How does Alice struggle to hold books (something Flame notes very clearly) but can apparently tie a bandage fairly easily? Wouldn’t that be even more difficult?
-I’m not sure how you can have a young Flygon, unless he went incredibly hard on training in his early years, heh.
-In ‘Ariel's interest peaked’, that’s the wrong kind of pique.
-Found it a bit strange that Alice assumed for certain that Urbe was Flame’s home – and was surprised at his hesitance, given she knows of his amnesia. I don’t remember Flame even saying with much certainty in the first chapter that he was from here.
Wow… I went on a bit there. Hope this was helpful!
| TheG0AT chapter 21 . 8/5/2019
The king of eternal monologuing is here to tell you that Alice’s scene at the beginning of chapter XX was too long. It was just shy of 2000 words, offering little more than Alice lamenting internally about Flame’s disappearance. While the writing itself was fine and the scene was absolutely necessary and had a positive impact on developing their relationship, I still found myself tempted to skim through the last 500 words or so simply because it was starting to drag on a bit how much she missed him.
[“Whatever you say, princess,” the Gallade shrugged.] — lol
To be perfectly honest, while this chapter introduces the audience to a couple new pieces of information, nothing really of note happened here. To recap: Alice lamented Flame’s disappearance, then went back and talked with Gaius, and… that was the entire chapter, start to finish. There’s definitely value in Gaius’s change of heart, but even then, a simple conversation without any action behind it can only do so much for character building. I’m glad I waited to read this chapter, because if I read it when it first came out I’d probably have been dissatisfied—which is a positive reflection on your story as a whole, but a negative reflection on this chapter’s content (or lack thereof).
Onto chapter XXI, and what the Christ is a Neuhoffnung? Did you just toss something in google translate, scroll down to German, and—nah, nah, jokes aside, these Scum names are pretty funny. It’s not remotely important, it just kinda made me laugh seeing this bizarre combination of alphabetical letters be the first thing to greet me when opening this chapter.
Okay, so all in all, this chapter is hardly different than the previous as far as plot progression goes. However, I do not harbor the same criticism for it. I feel like a lot more happened here. Flame’s situation in Germany-land is given a direction—namely, he’s on his way towards some kind of healing in the short term, and in the long term he’s trying to map out where he’s at so he can make an escape. There’s substance in that. And then back with Alice, she has a talk with Sycorax that little by little inches them closer to a reunion. I’d still typically hope for a bit more progression in two whole chapters, which together account for nearly 10% of your entire story thus far… but these are still captivating enough to make for a decent read even on their own.
I’ve previously stated how I believe the Presence are humans, and it’s become ever-so-clear that this is the case. They reside in a different dimension with all the implications in the world of Pokémon training/Pokémon enslaving. I can see them being your adaptation of an evil organization like Team Rocket or Cipher. Knowing you, it’s probably geared more towards the darker echelons of Cipher, or even some sort of empirical army. Regardless, these mysterious beings are becoming gradually less mysterious, and are doing so at a pace I think is effective for balancing immersion with suspense. What you’re doing at large is working despite any gripes about minor details in getting up to the climax of this story.
The next chapter is the one you kept bugging me about, and I’m sure the romantic tension between Flame and not!Leah will be something to behold. But for now, I’ll cap this review off with a good job.
| ZiraDakota chapter 22 . 7/28/2019
It looks like the reunion of Team Phalanx is going to happen very soon. It'll be interesting to see how everyone handles it given the animosity between the different groups.
I liked the interaction between Flame and Brynn, and I wonder if this is the beginning of a friendship between them.
Excellent work on another wonderful chapter!
| MagicAngelo chapter 5 . 7/28/2019
Hello, hello Shadow! I was originally planning to have three chapters in one review, but this one went on for much longer than I had anticipated, so it’ll be single chapter reviews for now!
I’d like to quickly get my general thoughts out of the way before getting into specific scenes first. Great description of the environment as usual, and very entertaining interactions between characters, both old and new! Not much plot really happens here, although it is a nice show of the “typical” life of Team Phalanx.
Okay, now onto the specifics.
Oh hey, Flame’s first meeting with Ariel! It looks like Ariel’s as every bit intimidating as Gaius and Alice make her out to be, although it doesn’t really seem like she holds that much power over Team Phalanx, does she? Especially regarding her comment about “If it were up to her, they’d already be starving on the edges of the Wasteland for all she cared”, it looks like the emperor from the beginning of the chapter might be the one providing them “protection”... but why? It can’t be because of Flame (which is a refreshing change from having the MC be the chosen one), so is there another reason? Can’t wait to see why ;)
Moving on from that, after they receive their B-rank mission, we are introduced to a scene of them... rummaging through garbage to find food? When I first read this scene, my stomach lurched because it reminded me that, even though they’re the main cast, they’re still struggling to make ends meet as it is. A nice change from the cushy lives that the MCs from PMD games lead. To show a scene of them (well, Flame and Alice) actually having to forage for food to survive is a nice way to highlight their plight without making it look too ridiculous to take seriously, as some dark fics tend to do.
One thing I noticed about Flame is how quick he is to try and “prove” himself to his new teammates: the first time being him helping out and digging around for food, and the second time being him trying to stop Gaius from blowing their funds away on booze. It’s pretty admirable to see him being able to push aside his pride to help the team that took him in out, effectively earning his place in ways that doesn’t include fighting.
And, can I say that Flame has fucking BALLS OF STEEL to be able to stand up to Gaius like that. Gaius, the grovyle that threatened to kill him more than once, and Flame just ripped the goddamn bag away from him. Very nice progression from the first few chapters we’ve seen him in, even if he got his can kicked afterwards.
Overall, a nice breather chapter, great interactions for characters we’ve seen before, and fantastic introductory scenes for the new ones! I’m interested to see what you do with the Gabite-Umbreon duo (and Ariel is an asshole and I love it).
That’s all I have to say for now! I’ll try to post another review as soon as possible!
| Story.Writer.2015 chapter 22 . 7/23/2019
I can at last read it. Wow. So we may get Flame and the team back together! I love this story. I'm so happy to see what is the scum and who they get. I also think that Braxian has a crush on Flame. Funny to see how simiilar she acted as Alice. Anyway, thanks for the chapter.
I can't wait for the next chapter. Thanks.
| The FieryCharmeleon chapter 22 . 7/23/2019
A really nice chapter here. It seems now that both Flame and Alice's perspectives are becoming happy once again. No matter how messed up everything may seem, I will keep rooting for the characters to finally achieve their dream.
And it seems that we finally find more information about the Braxien with her name being Brynn, and most of all, she seems like she's gonna be aiding Flame throughout his time with the Scum, or maybe even for the rest of the story (guess TheGoat was right in her review, where she called for fake Leah x Flame). And speaking of Brynn, she's incredibly similar to Alice with her being the kind soul, just like Alice. Which makes me ask, will Alice and Brynn be rivals later on? Could they both want Flame? Who knows :D.
And like one of the reviewers said. This does look close to a downer ending. I really do wonder if this will be the case or not. Either way, seeing the characters achieve their goals would be really satisfying to see and if not, then it will be real and if handled right, could be sad, but a well done ending.
And wow, Team Phalex and Yvaine and Virgo really seem to be getting along. Quite surprising, but am I happy to see this. Maybe with their help, their chance of achieving their goal may be impossible after all.
| Baromyteus chapter 22 . 7/22/2019
I am just going to come clean here. This story probably has some of the best writing and storytelling I have ever seen. It is so hard to find stories with this much quality. While there might have been a few mistakes, they are almost invisible. All of the characters were developed quite well, and I am glad I spent a couple hours reading this and will gladly continue to follow along. Good job and thank you for writing this story.
| UnholyPens chapter 22 . 7/21/2019
I'm apologizing here at the forefront to say that this review isn't going to be as long as you'd probably expect from me. That being said, this chapter was great!
In comparison to previous chapters of yours, you're clearly showing a progression in terms of your writing abilities, which is always great. But it's also important to point out other things here, like the actual content.
Brynn's an interesting character, but as what is clearly a side chracter, I hope you can effectively deal with her presence.
That aside, it's great that we're finally getting into the thick of the plot—we're past the point in the story where it was more exploring the chemistry between our protags, as well as their experience in the world. Now you're fully exploring the actual heart of things, like the "Why"s and "who"s. In my opinion, you should stick with this. It's interesting to be switching back and forth between Flame's and Alice's perspectives, though. I wonder what's to come of it.
Anyway, I'm looking forward. You've displayed a strength with the more violent aspect of your story, but you're also getting better with characterization, and I think you're nailing down the "what's the point of all this?" aspect pretty well.
I hope you're able to keep this up!
| BDeath chapter 22 . 7/21/2019
Definitely one of the best PMD stories I’ve read. I’m looking forward to more.
| MagicAngelo chapter 4 . 7/14/2019
Hello, hello Shadow! I’ve read until chapter 4, and just to give you a fair warning, I couldn’t find anything much to nitpick about (yes you’re just that good :p). But I’m not going to put “this story is good pls update”, so... I’ll do my best!
I don’t have many bad things to say about this, the first four chapters is a fantastic first chapter! The only bad thing I can really say is the way you put a space before ellipses, something like this: “”Um ... fine.” That’s literally all I can say that bugs me, and even then it’s not necessarily an error.
Onto the good bits! Great description, especially with Spearhead Valley and the snow-covered mountains they were walking past. The way you described each and every environment brought it to life, it almost felt like I was really there!
I think the best parts are the characters shown so far! Gaius is really unlikable in the first chapter, even if his suspicion is justified. But as I read on, even if he remained cold towards Flame, it was nice to see him soften ever so slightly to him, even giving up the valuable Sitrus berry to him. Alice definitely does the job of balancing him out, being the nice girl and looking out for Flame.
It was interesting to see how Flame is struggling to battle the ferals, and during the mission where they were finding that research team, they still accomplished their mission but not in a standard way. Flame didn’t even think that they succeeded until he was told so in his face (speaking of which, can I say that Flame needs a hug. Like, goddamn).
Overall, I absolutely loved the first four chapters! I dunno why you said you didn’t like it, they were near perfection! I will drop another review after reading a few more chapters. Have a nice day!
| Ambyssin chapter 21 . 7/3/2019
I take it Flame is the "Icarus" mentioned in XX's opening quote. Can't quite peg if he and Daedalus were, in fact, 'mons captured in Poké Balls working for, say, some sort of criminal syndicate in the trainer-based world. But maybe that's what you're setting us up for, here? Can't say for certain, but it's the best guess I can make based on the available evidence.
In any case, these were another quiet pair of chapters where the introspection mostly took the driver's wheel and actual descriptions of the locations and character actions were kept to a minimum. For my money, I think you spent a bit too long with Flame revisiting the scenes of the war, seeing as (ignoring the speed of updates) it hasn't been that many chapters since this stuff actually happened. I think there's also a couple of instances of verb tense confusion in Alice's hypothetical scenario at the start of XX. All your verbs need a "would" in front of them, but not all of them get it. I.e. "Blah blah," Alice would say instead of "Blah blah," Alice said.
That said, I'm at least glad Daedalus is offering some form of optimism to Flame. Even if he's dwelling on Alice and she's dwelling on him. I'm a bit iffy on the experiences each of them think about, because they're hardly friendship-establishing moments. But Alice does question that and does come to the conclusion she considers Flame her first friend. I think it's believable.
And Gaius is coming around, too! Actions speak louder than words, of course, but I find his remorse after the harrowing experiences he's been through to be genuine. I guess you could say I am looking forward to seeing how he, uh, "redeems" himself, so to speak. I'm assuming there'll be some sort of possibility with this rescue mission, perhaps?
Anyway, that's all I got. Here's to things (hopefully) looking up!