|Reviews for Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Rebirth|
| TheG0AT chapter 19 . 10/25/2018
While reading this chapter, I have devised a theory: the Presence are humans.
I didn’t really think this was possible until now, but I’m already mostly convinced. These “unimaginable gods” make me think of something that isn’t a Pokémon at all. Steel ravens are, let’s be honest, a borderline-obvious reference to bomber planes. Even the way Dusknoir used the term “pokemonkind” seemed to insinuate that the benefactors do not fit that criterion. You even mentioned on the discord server sometime a while back that your story might or might not include humans (I’d initially thought you were referring to only Flame and trying to pull some reverse-psychology on me).
Theoreticals aside, this chapter was pretty good. My only complaint would be that there were a half-dozen instances in which I outright skipped a paragraph of narration because the scene didn’t call for the pacing to be so slow. This was usually when Flame was inside the hut and was considering making a move, or when he or Dusknoir were going to speak. It didn’t mess up the reading experience much at all, so this is only a minor thing.
Now, I don’t usually do this, but I want to state my personal take on Flame’s thought process... I’m not entirely with him on his resistance to staying with the Scum, even long-term. This is not a criticism at all, this is just my line of thinking being compared to his for fun. I think it would make much more sense for him to wait a little and think about what he wants to do before suddenly resolving to find his friends. It makes sense that he wouldn’t fully trust the Dusknoir and the other Scum yet, but that doesn’t exclude the fact that he has no idea where he is on the map and he’s not nearly strong enough to force his way out of the village or, if he escaped quietly, to survive off of whatever he could scrounge up and then walk across the land. If anything, he should try and use them to find his friends. Maybe bargain with Dusknoir and agree to help as long as Alice and Gaius are returned to him unharmed. He doesn’t seem to like the empire any more than the Scum do.
If I were there and could read his thoughts, I’d tell him to survey the situation more and then form a long-term plan over the course of days. Buuuut Flame isn’t me, so I’ll have to see what he actually chooses to do. lol
This chapter didn’t need to be longer than it was. It was short but appropriately so. I liked it. Good dub, brother.
Oh, and I am already a firm supporter of Flame x not!Leah. All you haters can take the L.
| TorchicBellow chapter 19 . 10/20/2018
good update pls story
| ZiraDakota chapter 19 . 10/14/2018
That’s quite the fascinating plot twist. I never suspected that events would take this turn.
I hope that Alice and Gaius will be alright and that they’ll be reunited with Flame someday, though I wonder how they would react to this revelation.
It’s always a pleasure to read your story. I look forward to the next chapter.
| flareon71 chapter 19 . 9/30/2018
That German Braixen is great.
That aside, holy crap was this a chapter. All this new information about origins and true enemies was really quite the eye opener twist. Everything dropped here really sank in for me like it has for Flame and really left me gawking. Even the reluctant realization of what this means for everyone else...
Still, mad props to you for keeping me on the edge of my seat for an exposition chapter. Now you've left me really wondering about what's to come. Amazing work with this one.
| Story.Writer.2015 chapter 19 . 9/25/2018
I just read this whole story in 3 days. Wow. Awesome. I loved the cuddling between team mates. flames surprising past. Even the possibility of the evil Presence. This story is awesome. I would recommend anyone to read it. There is just too much to say in this review. So I will focus on this chapter.
Mystery solved about the Dusknoir. I believe him. I do hope Flame will join there cause, and the team grows apart for a few chapters. During that time (and next chapter) we will be getting the emperors side of the war. I think he will convince Alice and Galuis that Flme is being brainwashed. That their friend is no more.
And that the only way to save him to to capture him. I honestly would love a fight between Glauis and Flame. They do have some tension to resolve.
Great job here. Please continue with this story. It is awesome.
| Sponge chapter 1 . 9/21/2018
I liked the ending
| Ralmon chapter 19 . 9/23/2018
Are humans are the enemies and they invaded this world? Also, Dusknoir and Flame are pokemons owned by trainers that has escaped? That is quite something.
Though, humans as invaders are quite one sided. A black and white kind of deal. Humans are scums I guess.
As for the chapter itself... It kinda belongs to what I called the exposition chapter. All information and no action. Flame doesn't even made a choice or decision. Well, he is kinda a dull and passive character, but still, nothing happens.
While this chapter is essentially Infodumping, The Chapter, it is kept from being entirely boring by making the expositions essentially reveals that puts the entire situation into perspective, and we get to see the situation from the side of the Scum's. Still, it isn't done very well. It is still kinda boring and the amnesia is used as an excuse to deliver this exposition, which is kinda lazy. Also, Flame doesn't have a particularly strong emotional reaction to these which make this reveal even more meh.
But, if these revelations are taken away from Flame's perspective, they are really mind blowing. Just... WOAH! Too bad Flame has to drag it down. After all, if the protagonist doesn't put much value to these information, so shall we.
As for character, Flame still remains his dull and passive self, which kinda makes him a really uninteresting protagonist. The saving grace is his circumstances and the other characters that surrounds him. Flame might be bland as tofu, but everything around him isn't. Like Dusknoir, he turns out to be a rather interesting character. Even the Scums are an interesting community.
And thank god there is no extraneous POVs. I always have find those extra POV irritating. There is none here! Hallelujah!
Overall, I find this chapter okay. Great reveals and we finally got to see the other side of the conflict, but, it seems that the protagonist, Flame, is more of a burden and curse to this narrative. His dullness and lack of personality, plus his indecisiveness and passivity kinda ruins the experience. He keeps us from being totally engaged in the story and being immersed by the setting. He is like a barrier that keeps you away from the story.
Still, the narrative has depth that isn't seen anywhere else
| Miner7365 chapter 19 . 9/23/2018
Been meaning to get around to reviewing this for a while, so without any further interruption, let us begin.
So when I came into this chapter, I was in all honesty was expecting it to pick up right where it left off with Dusknoir grabbing Flame, and not right when he wakes up after getting captured. To be fair, this was more me taking a guess as to what was going to happen then anything, but expectation are expectations.
With that out of the way, let me dissect the chapter for what it is, a plot reveal. So, we finally figured out the identity of Flame, our protagonist: a Charmeleon that was fighting oppression from the empire with a Dusknoir at his side. You... really had me believing that he was human prior to this chapter, due to both the whole thing with the ship along with the whole thing with the 'gods.' (Sidenote: I... severally doubt that they are really gods. There is much more to this then you are letting on, and I'm almost positive of that. I have a few theories, but I won't let them out, since they involve some facts that... frankly, I doubt you would want others to hear.)
Other then that though, this is a bit of a slow chapter. All that happens within it is the discussion between Dusknoir and Flame involving their past, and then Flame breaking down near the end calling himself a idiot. Now, to be fair, not every chapter should or really even can be that fast paced, and to be honest, this one being a bit more slow isn't even a bad thing, if it weren't for the fact that the pacing just seems to... cut out, if that makes any sense. Like, you go from fiery action and bodies hitting the floor near the end of chapter 18, before abruptly transitioning to this village of Scum as the empire would put it. It just comes off as the slightest bit jarring, to be honest.
Now, other then that, the rest of the chapter is fine. You continue to be great at having the environment contribute to the story, with the whole dirt ridden mass continuing to play into the theme of mass poverty almost everywhere. Flames character throughout this chapter... kinda comes off as strange to me, as he doesn't really pick one side or another when it comes to how he feels about the validity of his 'past.' At first, he seemed near completely convinced almost immediately that the group that tried to kill him multiple times, (Side Note: If he's such an important figure... you'd think someone would recognize him throughout all of this, right? Unless... huh.)
You know what, I'll go into what I think is happening, since I've been meaning to say it for a while. While earlier I did say Flame was always a fire-type, I'm... actually doubting that now. See, I don't believe that the presence or the benefactors or however you want to call them are really gods. I think your going for something a bit more of a high concept here.
I think they're humans. Humans, from outer space, trying to assume control of the planet. And Flame is one of them, or used to be one, anyways.
Now, this is a bit of a out there claim, but... it just seems to fits. Both because of the love I know you have for Mass Effect, and just... the suspiciousness of the fact that no one has described what any of the benefactors look like yet. I think your trying to hide them being gods, something that would thematically fit within the context of the story, when in reality... your going for something much, much bigger. As for Flame, if he was a human before whenever he woke up, it would explain their confusion towards his form on chapter 1. Also, Dusknoir seems to be holding back information purposely, as no one in the camp or out of the field seems to recognize him and the fact that there is the whole implication of there being more then one Icarus, since they have a designated name for them.
Now, of course, the whole theory does have a few holes. One is the fact that it doesn't give a explanation as to why he woke up there of all places, and another is how he went missing in the first place. I have a few ideas as to how this happened, but they have no support in the plot as of now, so I'll hold back on saying them.
Either way though, if it turns out you are actually going for this... good job. I fully expect this little tangent to turn out to be completely wrong, and to come off as some crackpot theorist, but if I'm right... I can only say that is some clever plot line manipulation you have planned in the future.
In any case, bit of a weaker chapter in my opinion, but you have me thinking about where this is going to go in the future. I really think there is something more then "ye medieval story about ye medieval giant evil empire with ye evil gods on their side." and I'm curious to see what that turns out to be, if anything.
Anyways, I'll be back after chapter 20 gets released. Hopefully it isn't 3 or 5 months like the last 2 chapters were, but we'll see. See you then.
| Person55 chapter 19 . 9/22/2018
Well dang that’s a lot to take in
I like that we are finally getting some backstory on Flame now and it’s also great to start learning about the true nature of the Dusknoir and the scum
Also Flame has finally found someone who knows him! And there’s also that Braixen who seems to like him, Maybe now flame can feel some joy after all the suffering that he’s been put through
I’m not quite sure what Flame is going to do in the future but I’m looking forward to seeing the decisions he will make as well as whatever Alice and Gaius will be doing in the story
All in all it was a very entertaining chapter that’s finally giving some answers to the mysteries of the story and I’m really excited to see what happens next
| Namohysip chapter 19 . 9/21/2018
I saw it coming, but it was satisfying to see they payoff anyway - and in particular, one thing I didn't quite expect was that Dusknoir and co. are not necessarily against the Empire, but against an even greater, common enemy that they don't quite realize.
This chapter was definitely one of the quietest chapters we've had so far, even though there was a lot of stress going on for Flame in a more internal way this time. To be honest, I feel like this chapter hit an odd sour spot between "some relief" and "some anger" at what was going on. An uneasy sort of feeling. And while that was probably intended, I do wish Flame could've leaned one way or the other more explicitly; in particular, I was surprised that Flame didn't ask more directly about Virgo and the others, or even tried to put up a fight against Daedalus near the end. Everything felt... subdued. Muted. And a lot of the questions answered gave rise to followup questions that Flame never asked, so I hope we get more than, "You can't comprehend the rest of this," soon!
Seeing the Teutonii was the one thing in this chapter that I was basically able to predict front to back, though not necessarily because of foreshadowing, but because that was just my guess the second I learned that they were referred to as "Scum." I'm glad to finally get some answers-and I hope more come soon, considering where Flame is. And I'm definitely still curious about where Alice, Gaius, Virgo, and Yvaine are, though since you generally stick to Flame, I'm not exactly sure when that scene will come up, if at all, until or unless they reunite.
| The FieryCharmeleon chapter 19 . 9/21/2018
I feel sorry for Flame and his friends. They must be going through a lot :/. This was a nice understanding of the Scum. making them more or the good guys, rather than the bad. I'm really looking forward to witnessing the Presence and see the reunion with Flame and his friends once again.
| Ambyssin chapter 19 . 9/21/2018
I was expecting a cool down chapter. Though, if I'm honest, I was actually expecting you to focus on the rest of the cast collectively reacting to Flame getting taken... though I suppose that's what Double-X is for. Unless that quote at the beginning is all I'm getting, in which case I will be disappointed. But that's life.
Anyway, I know this is a grimdark fic, but it gets harder and harder to read about Flame when we're 19 chapters in and really *nothing* good has happened to the guy. Is it bad that it still feels like we're in the early acts and I'm going into reading new chapters thinking to myself, "I wonder what awful thing will happen this time?" I hope not, because that'll be my thought process going forward. :V
I mean, this is quiet chapter with a lot of introspective monologue on Flame's part. Given the revelations(?) happening here, I don't blame you for doing that. It does feel a bit... repetitive in places, though, and that bogged things down a bit for me. As an example (since I can't copy text here), when Flame goes outside the hut he's resting in, his heart "jolts" at the sight of the exiles and then, just a few sentences later, it "begins thumping in his chest" when they turn toward him. Jolting implies his heart's already racing, so the line was repetitive. And there were quite a number of these throughout the chapter, mostly when you were mixing body language with introspection. I'd be careful of that, going forward.
The revelations themselves were interesting for what they were. They scream "Hey this is pretty much Christianity and the Roman Empire," only there are multiple gods and they apparently have a physical presence in the world. Making our Dusknoir friend Daedalus really hammered that comparison in for me. I had a feeling that these exiles were going to be framed as not being in the wrong and that the this was going in a "the gods make all the problems" direction. If I had to criticize anything, it's that Flame's thoughts that Daedalus could be lying happened far too late into all of this to come off as believable. I know you were conveying a sense that Daedalus was projecting some sort of calming effect on Flame, but he was still pretty jump and I'd have expected him to immediately doubt the claims.
Other than that, nothing more to say. Let's see what happens next.
| Namohysip chapter 18 . 8/28/2018
And all... caught... up. Chapter 18!
The second half of this work (as of the posting of this review) has been an interesting ride. It feels like we're starting to get into truly meaningful action, particularly now that the war has begun and the Dusknoir made itself much more known (particularly near the end, that is) and it feels like we're finally going to get some questions answered. After nearly over 180k words in, I'm glad that we're finally going to get a few; I was starting to grow impatient!
One thing that I particularly enjoyed about this story is the dynamic between Alice and Flame, and to a lesser extent Gaius. As the main trio, that's to be expected, but I thought you depicted them particularly well, even if Gaius still has some issues on a personal level. The highlight is the interaction between Alice and Flame, obviously, and I hope to see more of that as Alice's own past starts to unravel. Considering the way this chapter ended, however, I'm a bit concerned I won't be able to see more of that development for a while, unless they happen to turn up wherever the Dusknoir takes Flame.
There is one thing that I've been concerned about since near the start of the work, however, and I feel that it's still true even now: I just... don't... CARE about anybody except for the characters I just listed above. Everyone, in terms of how they are as a person, SUCKS. I wouldn't want to hang out with any of them. Yvaine seems fine, but Virgo, whom I think you intended to be a funny perv, left a sour taste in my mouth ever since he acted so callous toward the survivors of that ruined town. Ariel, whom I had thought would get some redeeming qualities in some way for her leadership, has demonstrated nothing but selfishness ever since. All the nameless soldiers have little to no camaraderie, especially toward the new recruits despite the importance of working as a cohesive whole. I got more positive personality from a Metang that had barely a few paragraphs of screen time than all of the other one-shot soldiers combined.
But that's the style. I'm almost positive (except perhaps for Virgo) that you intended for all of these characters to be generally callous, cruel, or otherwise not pleasant to think about. And for that, you did well... but going on for all this time-roughly two novels' worth of content-and not caring about the people that surround Flame's immediate team? I don't know. I feel like I should be more invested. I understand agreeing with Flame about not wanting to fight in the war - THAT I understand, and that was a very good illustration of having the reader think the same thing as the main protagonist. But to ALSO not care about the town, the inhabitants, or everyone else, I feel, was less beneficial to the overall narrative.
I actually sorta care more about the Scum now. Like, as crazy as that is, they have demonstrated more coordination and teamwork than the army Flame was fighting with. They're depicted as disorganized, yet between that incident with the Gengar, and then the Dusknoir's general leadership, I just see more of a bond between the Scum than the protagonist's position!
...Which, again... I'm 90% sure was intentional. Because I think Flame is about to turn, or at the very least, things aren't going to be as simple as they seem. I saw that one coming the moment the word "Scum" was used to refer to the enemy.
That's what has me conflicted about this one gripe with the story, how unlikable most of the characters are. If that was all to set up the fact that the Scum aren't the enemy, or something else along those lines, you did a good job at it. Too good, in fact, for how much time was spent within that part of the world, generally just hating them and thinking, "Wow, the whole town fell to an earthquake. How awful. Can Flame move on from this miserable cesspool, now?" (Which, it seems, he will be.)
Now that all being said, I do have something that I need to also admire about the work, for very related reasons listed above. You do a really, really good job at depicting basic, primal struggles. The cold, the hunger, the fatigue that Flame, Gaius, and Alice experience is something that was written very well, and, while drawn out at times, was very immersive and engaging. Part of that is because of the bond that they have, sharing the burden, and the teamwork that can rise up because of it. This was exemplified most recently in the Dungeon of ice that they had escaped into, and Flame's resourcefulness to get them out alive-albeit not in one piece. I'm a little concerned that Flame isn't with Alice and Gaius, and there doesn't seem to be any indicator that he'll be meeting with them again any time soon unless some hand of fate reunites them, because that was the primary element that kept me reading. But not the only element. I still want my answers!
Related to that, I really like where the story is going as of the end of Gloria. I feel the pace picking up, and I can see the answers trickling in, and I've been waiting for a LONG time for it. While I wasn't invested in the supporting characters, I was very invested in getting answers. I hope there's a good payoff for that soon, and I eagerly await the next installments!
| Namohysip chapter 9 . 8/13/2018
While the story is still going well, I'm starting to get mixed feelings about what's actually going on around Flame. And I'm pretty sure that was your intention, too; good work if so.
A few chapters back, there was a change of pace when we got to see what things were like for the Emperor-basically, a political scene, something that I'm also familiar with when it comes to these world-building high-fantasy settings, and I definitely liked that addition. That Dungeon was a necessary crawl, and having that scene in the middle of it made for a very effective intermission so it didn't all blend together. There's a lot more that's going on behind the scenes than Flame would be aware of, but what I find the most interesting? I'm starting to think that maybe Flame isn't part of the good guys, and he, Alice, and perhaps Gaius all don't know it. They're just soldiers. This is just some crackpot theory-crafting going on, but between what happened here and in the prior chapter, something just doesn't feel right about referring to the enemy as the "Scum," and so on. Or at the very least, we have some gray-on-gray or gray-on-black morality for each side.
I'm also not sure what to feel about Ariel. Sometimes it feels like she actually cares about her town, and other times it seems like she doesn't care in the slightest. It might just be a possessive sort of pride, but I hope there's a bit more depth to her in the upcoming chapters. I'm sensing a lot of potential in who she is versus who she may be presenting herself as.
As of this writing, that's halfway caught up to what has been published. Now for the second half.
| Namohysip chapter 4 . 8/6/2018
Okay, I think I see where this chapter is going. And I'm drawing a lot of parallels so far to the way a classic RPG sort of story opens. We're a ways in, at this point, and we get a glimpse at what is hinted or implied to be a great antagonist-the eye in the storm, so to speak, and a mysterious tie that Flame has to it, and how it may tie into his memories. We learn about the mechanics of the world and a bit of world building, we get through our first Dungeon and have a little run-in with trouble... yeah. All classical stuff.
I love it! If it ain't broke, don't fix it, and I feel like whether you break away from the formula down the line or not, this fantasy scheme you have going on for these chapters so far is a very useful way of getting familiar with the setting. It's still a little sad on a personal level that the only nice people in the story are Alice and Flame. It makes it kinda hard for me to really care about the world and its troubles. But I at least am invested in the mystery that Flame has going for him right now. I'll keep my theories to myself, but I'll be honest on whether I was right or not, if anything gets revealed down the line.
Also, Flame is a perv, but we all saw this coming.