|Reviews for All in the Family part 1|
| S. Snowflake chapter 16 . 7/31
This was a nice little ending. It had some development for Audrey and Seymour, which is always something I like. Audrey WOULD be awfully sad leaving her dream house. Given that she's my favorite character from Little Shop, I'd be interested in trying that premise myself if I ever make that damn web comic. I don't know if you intended it, but I liked that Audrey was listening to Nixon's resignation speech as she was giving up on their old house. It was kind of symbolic: times are changing and sometimes it's better to give things up. It also was a nice follow up to the family watching the Watergate Scandal on tv in the last chapter.
And I totally forgot that in your stories they still live on Skid Row but in a house. Not sure how that works, but maybe it's like the 1960 "Little Shop of Horrors" where some people have nice houses despite living where they do?
Glad to know I'm not the only one whose headcanon is that Audrey and Seymour got married in December. It makes sense in the timeline and a cute reference to boot.
Onto part II!
| S. Snowflake chapter 15 . 7/31
Patrick Martin being the Mayor of Skid Row… maybe it's because I've got ideas but I could see this being really dark in a different story. Like, what if he got power because he had another Audrey II and was able to sell it or even get the public's favor because they had no idea it ate blood? :0
And wow, I'm learning a lot about the 70s. I had no idea that "the Candy Man" was a billboard Top 100 song back then. Guess it was the "Let it Go" of their time.
I can't help but imagine it being really cute if Madison had actually sung her first word instead of just saying it. Like, do people in musicals start singing from the day they're born, I wonder?
- S. Snowflake
| S. Snowflake chapter 14 . 7/31
I liked the little touch of Audrey's weird cravings being ice cream and pickles. Makes me think what I'd do if I incorporated that into a fanfic… probably something toasted.
I don't think you needed to mention Seymour and Audrey dropping off the kids with the Dentons, since it was a short interlude. I struggle with this too, but sometimes it can be interesting to pop into a scene without explaining how much time passed or what characters did in between.
I'm also forgetting if you mentioned Seymour or Audreys' mother's name in a previous chapter. Was Marianne based on my name for Audrey's mom?
- S. Snowflake
| S. Snowflake chapter 13 . 7/31
So after literally two years I'm finally finishing reading all these stories/chapters from fine writers I neglected to review. Yours will be the first. :)
I forgot how good you are at writing kid dialog. The banter between the kids in the beginning of the story and when Stacy is writing the Valentine was great. I have trouble writing kids well, probably because I honestly am not all that crazy about kids irl.
I also was surprised to find out that Trader Joes was called that in 1967. It just seems like such a modern hipster store to me. Seems like it was pretty small-scale back then, but you must have put a lot of thought into that choice, since I would have never thought of that.
I'm surprised Audrey wouldn't tell her kids sooner about being pregnant. Is there a reason why she waited more than halfway through her pregnancy to tell them?
Question: Why has Audrey waited until halfway through her pregnancy to tell her kids about it?
Random thought: I love the song "My Funny Valentine." It's actually a song that makes me think of SeymourAudrey shipping. Wish you'd incorporated more of that somehow. ;)
| S. Snowflake chapter 12 . 6/16/2016
Hm… What's the deal with Angie? Like, does she has some kind of past beef with Claire that caused her to be so mean?
I liked that Arthur and Claire have a penchant for the "s word," though if I had said that at her age, I would have had to do more than give my dad a dollar. No bueno for lil' me.
If you need some help with writer's block, I know a few exercises that have helped me get un-stuck.
| S. Snowflake chapter 11 . 6/14/2016
Cute chapter. I was kind of surprised that Seymour and Audrey would go to a New Year's Eve party at 7PM. That's awfully early, but I guess they just can't stay awake past 9:15 too often. ;)
I'm going to take a break from reviewing chapters for tonight, but I'll be back soon.
| S. Snowflake chapter 10 . 6/14/2016
Welp, finally getting to reading these chapters. Took me long enough.
I thought it was funny that Claire just outright says that Arthur's at a party at his dentist with other masochists. That's exactly what someone in the hilariously upfront world of Little Shop would say.
I am curious about Seymour telling Ike stories about Audrey II. I know I did that in a couple of my fics, but honestly, I think it was one of the more out-of-character things I had Seymour do–not because there's anything wrong with the idea, but the ramifications of doing that are pretty terrifying. If Seymour tells his kids about the plant, without dropping the details that HE was the one feeding it, he's lying to them. If he tells them the details, the kids are either going to be scared of their dad or feel like they have to care for a, well, killer.
I'm going on way too long on this tangent, but I hope to see more of this plot point explored. Explaining your murderous past to your kids is heavy stuff… or they could take it psychotically well too, I guess.
One more thing I realized about your writing is that I really want to get inside the characters' heads. It's good that you don't spend time describing every detail of what's happening, but part of what made the Orin's nephew chapter so good was that I could get into that very sick character's head from the details of how he was feeling. Just a couple of sentences when you focus on a character to describe how they feel, or their actions that show how they feel, would be great sprinkled in. Then the ice cream sundae will be complete! …Was that a weird analogy?
Onto the next chapter!
| S. Snowflake chapter 9 . 12/29/2015
Well, I'm only a little late to this review. Sorry about it. I need to develop a strategy for dealing with my social media messages and haven't handled it well for the past three months, really.
I skim read this before and enjoyed reading it in full again. Audrey is my favorite character from Little Shop, so it's nice to see her getting some family and friend love. I especially liked the scene of Ike and Stacy helping make blueberry chocolate chip pancakes. That's just too precious.
I looked up Sizzler to see if it would've been around back then. I had no idea it was that old a restaurant chain. Learning feels good!
| S. Snowflake chapter 7 . 9/25/2015
Sorry about taking so long to review again. Like I said, Thursdays are going to be my best days for a while, but I haven't been feeling well.
Honestly, I don't have much to say for this chapter. It was cute and nice to see Stacie a bit older, but compared to how different and interesting the last chapter was, it just felt fluffy. A little more conflict would have been interesting.
I'm being a brat, but did you know that "Hooked on a Feeling" wasn't originally a Blue Swede song? It was originally performed by BJ Thomas and has a really different late 60s smooth feeling.
| S. Snowflake chapter 6 . 9/9/2015
I'm really sorry again for being so slow to reviewing this. I really liked this chapter because Anthony is a really different character than any of the other new characters. And geeze, his dad is going full serial killer on that cat! Scary stuff in the Scrivello family…
I would still recommend trying not to spell things out in your description. Rather than tell us "No one knew why but a possible theory could be that sadism runs in the family" just show us how sick he is and have him mention uncle Orin and his dad's behavior–which you do. Ultimately, it becomes superfluous.
That being said, I like Arthur's ramblings in the dentist office and the setup of how this very different character relates to the ones that have been established. I want to see him interact with the Krelborns, Dentons, or the girls' kids.
| S. Snowflake chapter 5 . 8/19/2015
I can't help but want to say "Yay for Audrey getting her dream clone children!" XD I wanted to make their suburban life different than what she thought it would be for my stories, but I kind of like them having kids that look exactly like them. It's cute.
This chapter was really intense to read. I wanted to know if Audrey was going to be okay and it was very different from how Ike's birth went down. I now I've said this before, but this is my favorite chapter so far.
The only thing I really have a problem with was Patrick Martin. He and Seymour becoming friends isn't a bad idea, but Patrick knowing about Audrey II being a monster is a little problematic. If people know about the plant, won't they suspect Seymour of the disappearances on Skid Row? And if they don't suspect him, does that mean the plants are trying to do the same thing in other cities? Or maybe you want to write about that? I don't know.
| S. Snowflake chapter 4 . 7/29/2015
Alright. So here's my more thorough review than my deviantart note:
I like the touches you've added to keep us in the time period. The cartoons Ike watches are very in-era for a kid to have been watching. Ike has a doll collection after this chapter!
I did think it was weird that Skid Row has a mall and that it would be busy with Christmas attractions, since it's the slums. I could see it having an outdoor "strip mall" of sorts (more like a market or strip since it's in Manhattan) or that this is in a different area or even different city altogether.
Desmond and Molly are a fine addition to the cast, but I feel like they could have been introduced earlier in the story or that they just mention babysitting Ike so that their introduction felt less abrupt.
Lastly, I like that Claire is already shaping up to be a different character from Ike. I'm not the best at writing baby characters, so it's interesting to see how you can write about babies with different personalities. I also like that Arthur is acknowledging his masochism. I wonder if he and Claire will ever talk about that when she's older… kind of a weird thing to talk about, but it's "Little Shop." Things are bound to get weird.
| S. Snowflake chapter 3 . 7/5/2015
Alright! I just got to read through this last night. I have to say that this is your best chapter yet. The spacing is perfect and the grammar is pretty spot on. There are a couple of times you missed the "comma/quotation marks" rule, but I don't think that's worth mentioning more than I already have in document exchanges.
I like that Ike is starting to talk and be more of a character in this. And he likes "Peanuts," which is great for the time period and in general.
Really the only things I'd change here are times where the dialogue is a bit stiff. Maybe I'd put the song lyrics in quotation marks and italicize them, but that's all.
| iamsocrazylol chapter 2 . 6/23/2015
Great start, can't wait to see what happens next! :)
| S. Snowflake chapter 2 . 6/22/2015
I'm going to go through more of the spacing problems with you in the document, but here's my feedback for the current version of the chapter online.
I like the setup for the chapter and the ending with Ike crying and the pastor losing his sh** is pretty funny. I'd push for a little more of the "jerk king/dad" from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" to make sure your audience knows he's supposed to be funny. In other words, more over the top.
As for the rest of the chapter though, there's a little too much exposition for my liking. Marianne seems like an interesting character, but rather than get a detailed bio on her in one chapter, I'd rather be fed that information in small doses. For example, have her family spill the line about her "at least not marrying Orin" and maybe detail a bit on her connection with Arthur since her marriage to him is what this is all about. Actually, I really want to know what Arthur and Marianne have in common apart from knowing about Orin. What makes their relationship tick?
Also, I doubt Orin would invite Arthur over to his house like that. He doesn't seem too happy about Arthur in the movie or even know him well. Remember, Arthur was "recommended to" Orin, so they don't know each other too well… I've watched this movie too much.
Like I said, I'll have more feedback for you later. I'm sorry I've been so late on the feedback.