ADD MORE PLEASE! I LOVE IT!

"It had been tough, keeping Zara from noticing the food he had ordered was being stealthily placed into his bag instead of his mouth, but he had managed."

Right, so I'm done with this story now. That is truly bad writing. Not only is it dumb, but you just kind of hand-waved it away with a single sentence. Something that delicate and difficult to accomplish, plus hard to believe, has to be shown and explained, not glossed over. If you did it that way because you couldn't think of a reasonable way to actually make it happen, then that's a good indication that it shouldn't happen at all. This isn't an anime, and it's not based on one, so don't write it like a comedy anime where ridiculous things happen.

And then you just kind of shunt him off to the Triceratops area for no reason whatsoever. As I said in my reviews of chapters 11 and 12, if it doesn't contribute anything to the plot, a subplot, foreshadowing, character or relationship development, or otherwise progress the story in a meaningful way, then don't include it. This was a completely meaningless chapter, the epitome of everything I said is BAD in my chapter 12 review. It was nothing but filler, and was much like an episode of The Simpsons, i.e., it could be left out without detracting from the story in any way whatsoever; in fact, the story would be better if this chapter wasn't here.

I'll give you a final piece of advice: get a very good beta reader, someone who is experienced in doing beta work for high quality stories, and will question every story decisions you make. Then restart this story from scratch, because it frankly can't be salvaged as is. I'm sorry that I'm being so harsh, but this really is that problematic.

... really? Nothing happens? Sorry, but that's just dumb. Not only is it nonsense for them to not get caught, but it's also probably a worse way to write the story. They were in a restaurant full of people, and yet nobody in either the kitchen or dining area is able to spot a probably foot tall, Velociraptor-like dinosaur? It borders on a deus ex machina. I realize that this story is categorized as "humor", but that doesn't mean it has to be unrealistic and unbelievable.

Additionally, not only would it probably have been better for the story if something had happened, but it also would have been both more enjoyable and provided more and better opportunities for humor. Honestly, I don't even see how this story is categorized as humor. Sure, it's a very lighthearted story, but there's been little that's funny or otherwise entertaining in a humorous way.

One of the most important rules of writing: if it doesn't make sense, or would strain credulity, don't do it. Even if you've written yourself into a corner that will ruin your story in some way—like the death of your main character or derailing the plot you had—that's what you have to do, otherwise it's going to be either a plot hole or a deus ex machina, and both of those will ruin a story far more than whatever consequences there might be to the corner you've written yourself into.

In this case, you wrote a situation for which there was no rational or believable way for Owen and the Indominus to get out of it without trouble. If they had both stayed int he backpack, yes. But once one of them left, and Owen had to get up and brought Frost with him, that option was gone. And again, it most likely would have been a better story if they had been caught. As it stands, you had it building up to something happening, then just pulled the rug out from under the readers by basically hand-waving it away.

Can i fucken murder vic right now, i forgot if he died in the movie but can we speed up his death by i dont know 5 years. i know thats how old the indominous was in the movie so ya know.

"A guest suggested that I should have Owen go to the Triceratops Territory. I've decided to go with it."

No. Nay, nix, negatory, never, nope, nu-uh, definitely not. Just no. And I'm not saying that because I dislike triceratops or anything, I'm saying that because doing stuff "just because" is a an absolutely god awful way to write a story.

That kind of writing/storytelling is only ever appropriate in 2 kinds of stories. The first is crack fics, and I'm quite sure that isn't the purpose of this story. The second is episodic, serialized stories like The Simpsons, where there's almost zero continuity from one episode to the next, you can skip any number of episodes and jump in at any time without problem, there's no overarching plot, and each episode is self contained, with it's own internal plot and purpose. This story is definitely not that.

You might also notice that I only said "episode" instead of "chapter" when describing that kind of story. There's good reason for that: those kinds of stories are primarily television shows, for the simple reason that that format and style of storytelling works well for television, but is generally terrible for written work. The only time you'll ever see anything like that kind of style of storytelling in written form is for a series of books for very young children, the kind of books that are 25 pages or less, and consist more of pictures than words. I cannot think of a single example of a novel or other long format story written with that kind of episodic style, where stuff is done "just because" even if it doesn't actually do anything for the overall story and plot. Even a series of books like Goosebumps doesn't do that, nor do books that are compilations of short stories since each short story is usually completely independent of the others, or at least only tangentially connected.

The point is, you should not include things in this story for no reason other than it seeming like a good idea or something that might be interesting. Here's a good rule of thumb: if it doesn't directly, or indirectly in an important way, contribute to the overall plot or a subplot (either in the present or as setup for the future), character or relationship development, or otherwise progress the story in a meaningful way, then it shouldn't be in the story at all. In other words, if it *could* be cut out without being a problem, then it *should* be cut out.

So, what was the point of any of this? Other than Vic using the storm as an opportunity to sneak something out, which he could have done even without any other problems, it doesn't seem like anything in this chapter or the last contributed anything to the story. They were basically completely unnecessary. Other than Vic, they didn't advance the plot, they didn't set up or foreshadow anything, they didn't contribute much character development, etc. It was basically just two chapters of nothing but filler that could have been easily cut from the story without making any difference.

It doesn't help that the whole situation was contrived and unrealistic. The way you created all the problems either relied on distorting the way things actually work, or having people be incompetent in some way or another. And it was all for no reason other than to manufacture drama that was entirely unneeded for the story.

Quite bluntly, the story would be better if you literally removed almost the entirety of this chapter and the previous one. The only thing you would need to keep is Vic using a storm as cover to sneak something out, and even that part was poorly set up and executed.

Quite bluntly, this is your worst chapter yet, mostly because all the "problems" that came up were a combination of contrived and unrealistic. There were also some other problems that go back to last chapter. I won't go into detail here because it would take up a lot of space and time, and i don't want to use that time if you might not even read it or care, but if you do want to hear more send me a PM.

There are also various aspects of your writing style that could be improved in specific ways, and you sometimes have trouble with grammar and other technical sides of writing.

Alright so, first of all, I really don’t think that Chris Pratt, at least the movie Chris Pratt, has the attitude he has in this fic, especially since he was in the Navy; his bungalow would not ever be a mess as you made it out to be, nor would he be regularly lazy due to his Military past. However! The plot you have written down so far with the I. Rex’s, I really like; those two can be so darn CUTE and I adore them.

I did encounter quite a few typos and grammatical errors, so be sure to improve on those in future chapters.

Lastly, I expect a really excellent update after you have been silent for more than a year and I shall be here waiting. You have more than three thousand people watching this, so I’m sure they expect the same, so don’t disappoint us. I’m sure you will have some sort of explanation for your absence? And I am also sure that you will exceed most, if not all of our expectations with the next chapter. This story is too good to be left to gather dust.

honestly, i'm with owen, why not make Godzilla, but which one is the question

OH GOD...Wu would do it to...

Aww, Please Update Soon! I RRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Like this!

Don't know if you're continuing or not, but I love this story and congrats for getting 1K reviews!

Basically the first born is the canon I. Rex. The second borrn is Elise from It's not the Raptor DNA.

dear writer please make more chapters

Great story! I cannot wait for the next update!