|Reviews for Ashur nurtu kuylê 'la murudmi (Every day of my life until I die)|
| sorrellkaren chapter 13 . 8/20/2016
I have finally found the courage to read the last chapter. It was beautiful and I cried though nearly every word. The last line broke me and I now sit and sob. I love Dwalin and Balin and Thorin and the lads...it is all so unfair. I am glad you wrote that Dwalin will always have Thorin with him and that he will forever stay by Dis. He lived a long life even after the battle and I often wonder how he could go on after loosing so many, for even Balin will soon fall at Moria. These characters have touched my heart like no other for reasons even I cannot explain. I am reading your other fics and look forward to future ones as well. I have read No Sacrifice and it is amazing, but could you at least think about a fic with Dwalin and Dis years later when they are old and Balin has perished leaving Dwalin with no close family. There is a story there worth telling and your write so incredibly well you could make it remarkable I am sure. I loved every word of this story. Thank you so much.
| Pericula Ludus chapter 13 . 6/19/2016
Nooooo, it’s the end! I have been procrastinating reading this chapter all day. I want to read it. But I don’t want to finish reading it because that means the end of the fic and nooooooo! No, no, I know that it’s time to finish this, time to lay Thorin to rest and to let Dwalin get some peace (or not since you insist on sending him straight into No Sacrifice).
Dwalin’s description of his brother at the beginning is just so kind and sympathetic, you really see how much he loves him. It’s great that you have managed to show that without saying it directly. I think that makes it much stronger. Their relationship is wonderful and I enjoy seeing them together in this chapter. It will be a great change for them to be without Thorin after all these many decades. But you give me hope that they have much that binds them and will manage to rearrange their relationship without their third.
Ah, Dwalin… no, no matter how many years you watch people die in wars, no matter how many you kill yourself, it still remains unfair, especially when it’s your friend. Oh and you come back to that “I am not my grandfather” line that you have mastered so beautifully. And I think you capture so much in it. The fear, the pain… and never enough… And yet he is buried with his grandfather’s pattern in his hair. In some ways, he is his grandfather..
No Dwalin, you didn’t fail and you are not left behind for any punishment… not at all. You live, you continue a great legacy, your love lives on. And it wasn’t a lie, the promise to care and protect. I love all the many names he gives Thorin, so fond and full of care. He is the one person who sees Thorin in his entirety, I feel, who sees beyond the many masks he wears and sees all the different facets. Thorin is a diamond, but certainly not a polished one. And Dwalin sees it, what Bilbo also hints at in the movie… that the grand funeral and the legends will not capture who Thorin really was, the person, the friend. It’s ironic that Thorin who worked so hard for more than the strict regime of his grandfather is to be remembered as a tough and gruff warrior, and not as any of the many, many things Dwalin knew him to be. But maybe it needs to be that way. Maybe those other parts are not to be preserved in stories but through life, through the life of Dwalin.
Oh you are cruel… Thorin doesn’t even find relief in poppy seeds? Not nice… that makes me afraid for the poor guy in King of Carven Stone!
Balin’s little speech is so moving! It is the only mistake that this should have been Thorin’s coronation, not his funeral, and the parallels are striking… They would have tended to him quite similarly for that event. Similar and yet entirely different. Oh Balin… may he be your last king to die. But Dwalin… he’ll live on for as long as he possibly can, eager to finally see a king die of old age.
What a beautiful image, that Thorin looks crowned by the glow of the Arkenstone. Finally that stone is good for something, because Thorin should have been crowned… Oh poor Dwalin… it’s like reality just steps up a notch and it really, really hits him that this is it, that Thorin and the lads are gone forever. I really love the way you describe their relationship. It’s not always easy to see the love there, but you make it really lovely! Unseen, unsaid… And don’t you worry, Dwalin, they are going to embrace in the Halls! I know because I’ve written that :).
Yes, yes, yes, I agree… Thorin went out to die… Thorin was not going to live, no matter who shielded him. And in a way, he finds a peace in death that he would not have in life. It reminds me of one of my favourite lines in theatre, the end of The Crucible “He have his goodness now, God forbid I take it from him…” said when his wife lets the main character go to his death, does not plead with him to cling to his life, because she knows he could not live. How right Dwalin is to worry about Thorin not forgiving himself… he knows his sparrow so well…
Awww, yes, Beorn! Yes, yes, yes! And Roäc… at least that poor raven wasn’t alone, but had somebody so caring at the end, even if he couldn’t halt the inevitable. His only true nest was in Thorin’s heart… awww, that is such a lovely sentence. How wonderful! You write Beorn really well. I can hear his voice in my head when I read the words you give him. It’s so interesting what he has to say about the songs Dwalin and Thorin carry… It’s true, so true…
And we get to see all the company! Yes! Hehe, and my beloved Nori is first. Noo, poor Bomber burying a child. Only natural, I’m afraid, but still so sad. Bofur really moved me as well. I love the idea of Jóli and him being friends, and I love to imagine him playing with the young boys… the fun uncle, but now just one more person left behind by their untimely death. “Win ever had issues with young lads dying” — I think you just wrote me pretty much the same thing in a what’s app earlier. Ahh, those healers… Poor Glóin… looking at those horrific wounds they suffered and probably seeing his Gimli the whole time.
Ah Dwalin… I share your feelings about Gandalf… he can be kind and caring and very wise… but he is also scheming, always seeing the bigger picture…
Poor Balin… what a burden to carry. That old “the king is dead, long live the king” line has moved me since I first heard it as a child. It’s continuity, stability, peace, yes; but it is also just those unforgiving wheels of time turning and turning without any concern for anybody… It really moved me in the King John play as well, where at the end the young prince is crowned mere moments after his father breathed his last. Needed, yes, but cruel on a human level.
“Let them…” yes, those are the right words for Thorin. because he has always been loved, but he struggled to let himself be loved… Oh Roäc… but he has ever been a treasure to Thorin and hopefully they can fly high together in the Halls. The way they should have been, not the way a cruel life made them.
“My Dís, the One I never wed because I wanted her to escape this precise fate” — that made me so sad. Because I know what’s coming and it’s horrendous. But yes, Dwalin, that is where you belong now. Keep going, keep caring, keep carrying the spirit of Thorin with you.
What a wonderful fic! Thank you so much for this precious gift. It is much appreciated.
| obsessed reader chapter 13 . 6/18/2016
I am a silent reader who avidly reads your stories and lurks in the background. I am sure there are many of us. But I want you to know that this beautifully written story touched me in so many ways...the soul deep relationship Dwalin has with Thorin, the wonderful insight Dwalin has of Thorin's personality and character, flashbacks to the past to explain the present and the intimate look at love and grief. I sobbed through all of the chapters, especially the last. It has been a real privilege to read this and I look forward to reading all your works. A heartfelt thank you for sharing your talent and vision.
| Guest chapter 1 . 4/12/2016
I just wanted to write you a quick note that I have NOT stopped being a fan, though you haven't heard from me in a while. Life has just been... Hard, not yo go into too much detail. There's been things happening to me and those around me that have just taken up all my time and energy. But I want you to know that I still love all your stories as much as I ever did, and I'll review when everything gets sorted out (almost is) and I have time to update myself on chapters.
| Pericula Ludus chapter 12 . 3/28/2016
Ach Dwalin, my darling… of course he cannot leave Thorin in the end… not when it is his last chance to do anything for him, even if he’ll never know. Dwalin always stayed with him and defended him and of course he’ll do the same now when it is too late. I know that all good things must come to an end and I know that this fic is reaching its natural conclusion and that it is very long already, but it still makes me a little bit sad that it is almost over. It’s my fic after all!
Oh I can sympathise with Thorin there — carefully planned breakdowns even if it’s stupid. I’m nowhere near as good (or stubborn) as he is, but I remember teaching a large class this winter when I was sick, then returning to the office and not having any voice left. My colleagues could not believe I had just spoken to a room of 200 students because I couldn’t even whisper. Hahaha, I knew what it was before I even read the Khuzdûl translation! What an interesting choice to make the Dwarves suffer with malaria! Oh you just have the best ideas! Poor Thorin. That’s probably a moment he won’t want to remember in such detail. But I love that despite Thorin feeling so poorly, they still have that easy banter between them. Thorn’s line of “One of you is enough” made me chuckle. He is so sick, but he still has energy to be rude to his friend. Perfect! Haha and I love how he admits that he has no idea what he signed, but when Dís says the same thing, he accuses Balin of telling stories.
What a sweet scene between Dwalin and Dís (And Thorin, even though he doesn’t know he is participating). Those two are so cute together and good for each other… but you also show why it can’t be. Lovely bit of foreshadowing here for the quest! And dundundunduuuuh, Thranduil actually separates them in the dungeons. Beautiful! Oh it’s so sad to read about Thorin like that, consumed by the sickness, by the Arkenstone, and by what is in his mind…
I really like the way you portray the relationship between Dwalin and Bilbo! How lovely! Of course Dwalin would love anyone who could help Thorin. It’s so sad, what became of Thorin and I love the idea that he was haunted by Frerin ever since Mirkwood and the spider poison. Well, really, Frerin was with him all his life, but now it has taken a dark and dangerous turn thanks to everything else that happened. One line made me smile “anyone would have trouble thinking with an empty stomach” — such a Hobbit thing to say! And by the way, I agree. Breakfast soon? Oh poor Thorin… He’s so weak and it’s all so horrible for him, but it’s great that Dwalin is there. He is such a comfort not just for Thorin, but also for me as a reader. He makes it all bearable. It’s a harsh reality he faces though… he wouldn’t betray Thorin otherwise, and he ceratinly wouldn’t think it better had they kept Thorin drugged up, restrained even.
The others! Oh it’s so lovely to read them! Dori and Glóin, you picked the perfect ones for the clothes. Oh and Nori. You know I really like him. Great to see him here!
Oh Dwalin… My dear Dwarf, you go and cry all you want for your sparrow… Dáin really is the perfect one to comfort him. I don’t think he’d let many others close just now. He has always been open, but this… this is different somehow. Dáin is just great. I love how he summarises washing, injuries and need for food and sleep so quickly and efficiently, but still kindly in his own way. Oh poor Dwalin… he is so exhausted and injured, inside and outside. I’m so glad Dáin is there for him, even if he is not Thorin, at least he is a kind and caring friend in need.
| sorrellkaren chapter 12 . 3/23/2016
I am happy for Dwalin that it is over. He has bathed and dressed Thorin, said his private goodbye's and got some sleep. The funeral will be torcher for him knowing it is the last time he will see Thorin, and Fili and Kili who he helped raise. You did a beautiful job with Bilbo in this chapter. It was so like him to worry for Throin and try to come up with a diplomatic way to handle his gold sickness. In the end Dwalin loved the hobbit as well and that is comforting. I look forward to and dread the next chapter all at once for I know the funeral will make me cry like a baby for the lose of the line of Durin and those left behind as well. It isn't right that Dain should rule Erebor but I know Tolkien was a soldier and knew that wars did not always allow things to be right.
| Pericula Ludus chapter 11 . 2/12/2016
I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t, I truly don’t have the time, there’s so much else I should be doing… but I just can’t resist delving into Dwalin’s head with you any longer, so here goes! Sorry if these thoughts are all jumbled and make little sense.
Frerin’s hair clasps! Yay! Oh and that little moment where Dwalin drops to his knees at the sight of Thorin, that’s always been one of my favourites.
Poor Glóin, cleaning and dressing the lads… I bet he thought of Gimli the entire time and thanked the Maker that it wasn’t him lying dead upon the stone, but at the same time felt guilty for thinking that because he already missed these boys… Nice touch about Balin being the one to braid their hair.
Cleaning Thorin’s hair is such an intimate act and I like that Dwalin insists on doing it alone, and that he takes his time with it even though he knows he doesn’t have the time. What I really like in this chapter is that there is the strong notion that Dwalin is not alone, even though he chooses to do these things on his own.
Hahaha, oh I bet Thorin dancing was the gossip of the year! Hahaha, and he dances with all of them. Oh dear, poor guy. But they will all treasure those memories forever, a dance with their handsome prince — now that’s a special wedding indeed! Oh Dwalin… How horrible for him… We discussed his relationship with Dís and Thorin many times, so I won’t repeat it all here, but it still moves me. His loyalty to Thorin is admirable. He is so selfless, acknowledging that that happy future is not for him and not wanting to infect Dís with all that terror and heartache. And now he knows she’ll have to learn of her sons’ dreadful end soon and all his attempts to shelter her were in vain…
Drunk Thorin. Oh you made me smile. Hehehe, oh Thorin the lightweight. And you brought Bifur into the story again! Yay for Bifur! Ah, I don’t know… I don’t tend to advocate more drunkenness, but it seems like Thorin should get drunk more often… at least he relaxes for once! But emotions are still there, and even more intense in that unguarded state. Once again I see a lot of myself in Thorin.
It’s so beautiful to see them together… all the emotion in those little gestures, that tender kiss and that night together… And then you have to rudely awake us all from that sweet dream of the past and remind us that Dwalin is actually preparing Thorin for burial and that Fíli and Kíli are dead as well, and aaaaaaaaah… the pain! I definitely agree with Dwalin, it’s a mercy that at least Fíli and Kíli died together. One without the other would have been so lost.
Great story about Dáin naming his son Thorin! Haha, I smiled at his letter. That sounds very much like Dáin. He’s a good Dwarf, but certainly not the most tactful. But I firmly believe that Dwalin will find it in himself to stand with Dáin… not in the same way he did with Thorin, but he’ll be there and he’ll be a great help to Dáin, and Dáin to him.
Ahh, that night is over… time to face the next day… the first day without Thorin.
| sorrellkaren chapter 11 . 2/12/2016
My throat is tight and my eyes seem to water. The feelings this story brings are so real I forget the characters are not. Dwalin's pain is so deep, so full of lose. I felt so bad for him when he realized he could not have Dis and Thorin as well. That she could not have both of them either. So the love of my favorite warrior could never be, yet a friendship could grow that would be closer than any other. I admire you for the love you have written here, it is not sexual or romantic but the love of a friend and relative that has shared a lifetime with his King, a life of hardship and lose. This is the kind of love they share and anyone who does not understand has never loved a friend above themselves.
| Guest chapter 10 . 2/3/2016
Is this fic nearing an end? Dwalin is almost done with Thorin's body; though there is still so much of the story to tell. For starters I apologize this review is a bit short. So many mid-terms coming up! My head is just spinning. Now to the review...
Dwalin's one... Who could it be? I don't remember there being any details on any females other than Dis, Ito, Bára and Arnora in your fics. Are we ever going to find out? My eyes were drawn to it as soon as I got to that part! Kinda interesting to get a hint at that part of Dwalin. Sure, we've seen a tender and loving Dwalin, but never THAT kind of love. The love between a couple.
Dwalin finally let it all out. I'm not going to say he 'cracked' (though he sort of did) because who would be able to hold it all in? His father is dead. Many of his friends I'd imagine (including Frerin) are dead. And Thorin isn't really there. Dwalin's outburst was just his way of showing that he's "human" (even though he technically isn't.) I felt so bad for him, when Thorin wasn't responding, when he felt shame; it's all well-written, to tell a story of death and tragedy.
And then there's Thorin. From your fic about Thrain we know he wanted to die. I can totally see it. And it breaks my heart. I seem to remember at one point (I can't even remember which of your fics it was in) there was something about Thorin and women. You know what I mean. But here Dwalin was narrating that Thorin didn't, which leads me to wonder; will Thorin get even more depressed before getting better? Will he follow in Dwalin's ways?
Not that I'm going to judge Dwalin; now in our world in no way would that be right, and Id imagine it isn't the most honorable thing there either, but really, after everything Dwalin has seen and gone through, it is absolutely not my place to judge.
Keep up the work, excited to here from you soon (it will definitely take my mind off of all this school crap for a while)
| sorrellkaren chapter 10 . 1/31/2016
I could feel the utter lose Dwalin was going thru in this chapter. The story of the town of men was so sad. I felt so bad for him. He had no one to love him, Dis was lost to him, Thorin shut him out and his father was dead. Balin was far away and Frerin dead as well. I could feel his heart breaking as he tried to find comfort with a strange woman and ale. Thank you for letting Thorin be kind to him when he needed it most. I know that is what this story is about. The way Thorin was his best friend and how no one else can ever take his place. Dwalin lives for many long years after he buries his closest friend. I am reminded that your story is just the beginning of his grief.
| Guest chapter 10 . 1/29/2016
This was sooooooo sad! Are you ok? Your note sounds like you need some hugs! Your writing is beautiful, there's so much feeling in it! I can really feel with Dwalin! You describe in so much detail, I don't even need to think any more. And I'm sure that's actually Thorin reaching out to Dwalin in the end. He doesn't want him to be sad, just like when they were young, even when he's hurting he doesn't want Dwalin to be sad, so he tells him he's glad to have him here.
| Pericula Ludus chapter 10 . 1/29/2016
Here we go and it’s not even 2am yet, at least I’m having a good day with reviewing!
I really like that Dwalin doesn’t just miss the big things, he mostly lists small things, and not necessarily good things either. He really is remarkably observant, especially given the type of character he seems to be on the outside. Then again, I guess it makes sense that he is very observant, he wouldn’t be much of a warrior otherwise! And he loves Thorin so dearly, so of course he notices all those tiny little things, even when Thorin himself might not know he’s even doing them.
You know there isn’t much I like about the third movie, but the one scene that always got me was Thorin turning his back on burning Laketown. It comes so abruptly after the strong fighter and leader we see in their battle with the dragon. It is a very poignant moment and I’m glad to see Dwalin’s perspective here. Of course I want to tell him that he is wrong to blame himself, that there was so much going on, that it really did happen quite invisibly, that hindsight is always 20:20 and things were not that obvious at the time, not even to him… It was so much for Thorin… and he really must have thought himself alone at that point in time, having to assume that Fíli and Kíli were dead. That’s another moment that really stayed with me, that he saw them again and seemed to think almost exclusively about Erebor and the gold, rather than showing his delight at their absolutely unexpected survival. That’s just not Thorin. He might be tough, but he likes his nephews so much, and for so long he put them above all else…
Yes, Dwalin, in that we agree… Frerin would have done Thorin the world of good, and he probably would have prevented this end in one way or the other, either by preventing the entire quest, or by recognising what went wrong with Thorin early enough to be able to do something about it. Oh Frerin… Indeed, it’s to be hoped that the brother are finally reunited now and that Frerin will help Thorin find peace in the afterlife!
Ah, a sore throat gets a mention… how lovely… I think my body has finally decided what it wants and it wants to have a tonsillitis. Honestly, I thought I’d outgrow these at some point. No such luck. Anyways, back to our wonderful young Dwarves. Those kids are just fun. With all their difficulties, the Dunland years are a precious time. The banter between them is fun, and for once it’s not something terrible and serious, it’s just a cold and some friends making fun of each other. How wonderful life could have been if that time had lasted… it’s only natural that Dwalin is thinking back to it now and I guess somewhere inside there’s the question about whether it was all worth it, and I guess Dwaine’s answer is that it wasn’t, that he would have rather stayed in those little houses, poor but content. Anything to have his sparrow back.
Haha, the anvil! Oh that was towards the beginning of our friendship! I remember that! In a way I guess that loss Dwalin felt back then is only natural. It’s growing up, it’s separating from family, changing and developing. But it was so abrupt and so brought with danger and responsibility. Thorin was not even allowed just ordinary growing up, for him it all had to be a big tragedy. If the war had not happened, Dwalin and Thorin probably still would have gone around to work, but it would have felt completely different, a fun adventure for two young journeymen rather than a desperate escape.
How painful to see Thorin like this! He died at Azanulbozar along with Frerin, it just takes many, many long years for his body to catch up with him because he still has so much to do, and he would never shirk his duty. So here he is, doing his duty, but nothing more. Yet he still takes care of Dwalin… reminds him that this aggressive Dwarf is not him… But I cannot fault Dwalin here. He has lost much as well and he is not perfect, he isn’t a trained psychiatrist, he is just an overwhelmed boy who wants some sort of love in this cruel world.
Tiny little vocabulary thing: In describing a state of being of a person, you would usually use “lonely”, “lonesome”, or “alone” — not “lone”. I’m admittedly not very good at grammar, but it feels wrong. “Lone” seems to always have a noun directly after it, “the lone ranger”, “a lone mother”, “a lone voice” etc.
Sleep… that familiar issue… I don’t envy Thorin the insomnia, not at all. It just impacts your life so much when you can’t let go enough to sleep and I hate it with a passion. How fortunate that Dwalin is there… they really hold each other up and it’s both precious and incredibly sad.
You find a good explanation to why Dwalin waited for so long. why he never said anything. He just trusted Thorin so much, and in the end maybe too much. Then again, what could he have said? Mental illness is strong and not easily healed, certainly not through some love and kind words alone. Of course Thorin forgives him, because really, there is nothing to forgive. It’s difficult… difficult for Dwalin to understand, but I hope that he comes to the conclusion eventually, that he did not do anything wrong, that he can’t always fix everything even though he tried so hard.
| Guest chapter 9 . 1/7/2016
Thorin and his modesty... Well, we all gotta admit that we kind of love it about him, though poor Thorin; there wasn't anything to be so embarrassed about! And I love Dwalin's never ending patience; it shows that he really cares.
I find it interesting that Thorin was SO embarrassed that he didn't even want Frerin there. He obviously didn't want Oin, and though he loved Thrain we all know from experience that older children don't really want their parents to see those things, so that left Frerin and Dwalin. And Thorin chose his friend over his brother. Well, let me rephrase that, he didn't choose Dwalin OVER Frerin, it was just that he simply didn't want Frerin there, but was Ok with Dwalin (though in reality he didn't want anybody there.) But we also know from your wonderful writing that though Thorin and Dwalin never shared any romantic relationship, they were so much more than "friends", and more and less than brothers at the same time.
Thorin's "only way of grieving", I loved that. Now I can't say I've ever experienced anything close to what Thorin is going through, or that it's ever gotten to the point where I literally can't breathe, but I can relate to getting a compressing feeling in my chest when I hear bad news (I'm sure I'm not the only one.)
Great chapter; I really loved it, and I just saw you updated your fic revolving around Thrain, so I'm off to read that!
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/2/2016
Is Thorin beginning to trust Dwalin more than Frerin? I kind of got that feeling... But anyway; lovely, heart- wrenching chapter.
| Meysun chapter 2 . 1/2/2016