|Reviews for Tsukihime - Forever Nights|
| 8HdmN chapter 1 . 9/1
| Ghost of Flatwoods chapter 1 . 12/1/2015
I think you have hit the right tone with that specific "japanese" subgenre of gothic prose. I don't know much about it but the way you downplay some of the shocking/emotionally intense moments reminds me of a certain trends in japanese art.
| KingPlotBunny chapter 1 . 11/30/2015
well written but a few flaws first it was Kohaku not Hisui that was abused Hisui was actually a warm energetic girl but when she found out about Kohaku's abuse she didn't feel like she had the right to be happy so Kohaku took on her personality till she could smile again second Kohaku doesn't have feelings for Akiha she gave Akiha her blood to help her control her demon blood hence why Kohaku was abused by Akiha's father for the same reason exchanging bodily fluids is the most effective way for Kohaku's and Hisui's abilities to work Kohaku actually has feelings for Shiki same goes for Akiha of course since this is told from Shiki's perspective if he doesn't know any of this then that would be he logical conclusion
| Luna chapter 1 . 8/25/2015
Since others already give you review on writing, i won't say anything regarding the matter, plus i am not very good at it either. I will however make a comment about Tsukihime's lore.
1 - Hisui are not Makihisa's personal maid, it was Kohaku, and she was the one that being treated badly by him.
2 - It was not a slice in Shiki's chest, but a hole, like your earlier suggestion. The mark are on his back too, just not as big.
3 - Iirc, Shiki won't really die easily from his illness as long as Akiha share half her life-force to him, except if he overuse his MEoDP, since Roa (the real shiki) no longer steal his life-force. Still, since his MEoDP are practically switch "on" all the time, he probably destined to die young. Btw, his scar only bleed sometime, but will not cause him pain.
Overall, i like your fic. I like how you handle Ciel's feeling here, there are fans that tend to make fun of her, but you did a good job handling her character.
7/10 from me.
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 8/23/2015
Hello there, m'dear! This review is a thank you for the lovely review to Go that you kindly gave me. I must be honest and say that I'm not familiar with this fandom at all and humbly apologize if I get something wrong or don't understand it. With that said, though, on with the review!
This piece does well as a one-shot because it covers one aspect and doesn’t go into fussy detail or belabor the point or dump huge piles of information that takes away from the takeaway point you are trying to make. Shiki Tohno (or the man who is currently Shiki Tohno, at least) is slowly dying and there’s nothing that can be done to stop that point. He has people who love him, family who will miss him, but there’s nothing that they can do that will repair the damage to his heart.
This line here: ((I have a feeling my father may have treated her more as a replacement for my mother.)) really does well to tell us that this family is not a normal type of family. They grew up with money, with prestige and clearly some took advantage of that fact by abusing those who were in their employ. It does a lot to tell me about whom Shiki is that he doesn’t treat Hisui as his father did. He has more class and dignity and more respect for her (and himself) as a person.
Oh, wow, poor guy here: ((There's a hole in, no, a slice across my heart. It was put there by the real Shiki Tohno. I'm slowly bleeding to death.)) I can’t imagine how Shiki must feel, knowing that he’s on a collision course with death. Facing one’s own impending death also explains why Shiki is so doom and gloom. I would rather be a bit moody and gloomy if I knew that I was slowly dying and there was no way that I could be saved.
I can see how this: ((She's a vampire, who unfortunately, has an undeniable craving to drink my blood.)) is a bit of a problem lol I don’t imagine that vampires are very good for human life expectancy ;) however, I do like the fact that you give us this nugget at this stage of the story because Arcueid plays a big factor into how Shiki evades death. That she has an undeniable craving for his blood also hints at how they are connected. It’s almost suggesting that they are meant to be together, but Shiki must get over his reticence and decide that he wants to be with Arcueid.
This: (("if you hadn't met her...could you..."./"I already do", I answered.)) was very lovely dialogue that showed that Shiki was capable of loving Ceil, that he did love Ceil, but the poor girl was relegated to that friend zone because she wasn’t his one and true love.
(("Settle" can be a dirty word when used in the place of an amazing four letter word that can never be forgotten.))—this is a very true statement. Settle is not the same word that love is and does not carry the same positive emotions and thoughts. That he used the word settle at the time indicates to me that he wasn’t ready to accept the life being offered to him and felt like it would have been settling for something instead of holding out for what he truly wanted: love.
I got a serious laugh with this line: (("Could you break the news to the family ? Akiha hits hard".)) because it shows that Shiki is fully aware that his sister is not necessarily going to take his newly turned status well. I like that you end this piece with a touch of humor and don’t just leave it all angst and melodramatic. It injects a note of hope for a bright future, in spite of the fact that that future is full of vampires and nocturnal activities.
Writing in the first person narrative voice is very difficult. That said, be mindful of the tenses. In this particular sentence here: ((She's such a kind sweet girl. She's been my personal maid since I've come back to live in the family manor.)) you have (I’ve come). It’s not necessarily incorrect, but I’d more word the line like this: (She’s been my personal maid ever since I came to recuperate at the family manor.) It’s just a suggestion, however :)
(("Will do!", I answer Hisui as happily as I can, "Have pleasant dreams!".))-I'm not sure you meant the comma and period to be where they are so I'd delete them :)
((...you need to at least eat something." she told me with a smile.))-because you are connecting the line of dialogue together with an action you need a comma over a period.
((She was young but from the talk I had with her sister))-I think you could use a comma after (young) to create a pause that makes people wonder about what point you are about to make.
((I knew she could see through it but I have to at least give her that.))-Being this is first person, (knew) should be know and (could) should be can. Everything is in the present tense because it is all happening in the pretense. I struggle with this when I write first person, so believe me, I know it is a real pain heh
Other SPAG-like issues:
((Master Shiki ?))-you have spaces between question marks in areas. Not sure if that is just a snafu, but I wanted to point them out.
In all I thought this was quite the interesting piece. I'm almost sorry I'm so fandom blind because I'm sure that I'd understand the characters and situation more if I had a bit more knowledge, but this was still quite the enjoyable read nonetheless. Fantabulous job!
| Midorima Kazunari chapter 1 . 8/23/2015
Ok, so I know nothing of this fandom, but that won’t stop me from giving you a proper review and welcoming you (back) to FFnet and to the RLt Forum.
Having the whole story center justified is an odd choice and is a bit unnatural for my eye to follow from one line to the next, but if you were going with an odd vibe, you are very successful with that. I feel… unbalanced as I read.
You give a lot of good information right up from, we know this character is male – he’s not all what he seems – and he’s part of a wealthy family with maids. There is a good mystery here.
I notice you do a lot of quick, short sentences that could be joined together with semi-colons. Now, if you’re going for a fast pace – short sentences are great, but feels like you’re going for more of a languid style. Here’s two examples: “…Hisui rarely smiles; it seems like a forced…” “…want to smile; she obviously never…” Of course, it’s totally up to you and you can ignore or use any of my suggestions as you want.
“…something going on between them, but we’d never speak of it. As long as…” Sounds like they are happy, but that her strict personality can’t really acknowledge her feelings for Kohaku. I feel bad for her.
Hisui, the poor dear, getting used as a replacement… that’s not healthy either. These poor people have a lot to pity.
“I answered her with just as phony…” Ugh, the angst, if these people were just honest with themselves and each other, I wonder if their lives would be better.
“…even with half my pain. She’s had enough pain…” I think they’d probably be able to help each other in more ways than he knows, but… sounds like he doesn’t have his stuff together enough yet.
“There’s a hole in, no, a slice across my heart.” Whoa! That’s a beautiful sentence. It’s a horrible, sucky way to die, and a sad backstory about the long of his life, but it is a brilliantly crafted sentence.
“…not needing to fake a smile for her.” It’s good he has someone to be genuine with. Even at this late stage of his life, its better that he can be real.
“That would be settling and we’re both too amazing to settle.” I like this! If it’s canon or not, it is a really great phrase and a motto more people should live by.
“I already do,” Aww, the feels, you’ve broken the feels.
“I’m betting on tonight.” I can’t even imagine how he feels. It’s just bad, worse, and worst in this situation. No wonder he won’t let anyone close to him.
Oh! The love of his life returned with a promise of forever. It’s good that she came back tonight or she might have been too late. I have a feeling she was waiting (watching) for this moment.
“Could you break the news to the family? Akiha hits hard.” Lol, you had me so convinced this was going to be a death fic, that I still wasn’t prepared at the end for this humor. He’s been so dour all this time, so sad, and angsty, that the humor got me good time!
Be careful of commas and shift changes, I noticed you switched back and forth between present and past tense often, and that broke me out of your story, in a distracting way.
Nice job, Red, nice job.