|Reviews for The Crystal Child|
| linagabriev chapter 16 . 3/20/2005
Alright. This is going to be a quite lengthy review encompassing the entire story from the part I last revied. Ready?
One more thing before I begin. When I wrote fater, I meant father in my last review.
[Dolphin glared angrily at her. "I feed you lotsa Zelphilian wine and then I change you."] Ok. If Mazoku don't need to breathe, etc. They probably can't get drunk. If you have ever seen Angel (TV SHOW, not anime) he couldn't get drunk. I doubt Mazoku can get drunk as well.
[Angered, Mazolina cast a Dragon Slave at them. Krowser first counter-attacked with the shrinking spell that Crystal had used earlier, then Dolphin "punched" the Dragon Slave right back at the couple.] That shrinking spell...I only have one problem with it. Again, you mentioned earlier that Dolphin was the weakest Mazoku lord right? The Dragon Slave takes power from her lord Shabranigdo. I doubt she has the power to shrink the Dragon Slave, her master's spell. Especially not Crystal who shrunk Lina's spell. If that was possible, Phibrizzo would have rubbed it in their faces when the Dragon Slave was directed at him.
[Dolphin was very angered at this point and cast a very strong Death Mist. However, before it could reach them, a Balus Wall separated the two opposing sides and disintegrated the spell.] A "Balus wall is effective against flaming attacks and causes the flames to be diverted to the left and right of the spell caster" Check Crystal did this later on when fighting that guy in the stadium, but that was different. He attacked her with a fire spell.
["Gourry's Hometown"] I have to admit the scene with Gourry reading what he wrote to remind himself that was his hometown was entirely hilarious. It definitely had me laughing aloud.
[I'm Zach Douglas, a merchant friend of Gourry's. It's an honor to finally meet you, Miss Inverse."] Just a minor quibble, but this makes it sound like he was waiting for her. expecting her.
["Yes, who is it – Oh my. Gourry-sama, is that really you?" Gourry chuckles as he says, "Yes, Gamgee. It is I."[Again another nitpicky comment but it bothered me. Gourry doesn't talk like that. It is a bit OOC.
[As she stared at Lina, Gourry's mother muttered, "You are our savior] Actually, the creator himself has said that Mellyroon was not related to Rowdy Gabriev. Check: . .jp/Slayers_Q&
This hasn't stopped alot of people of writing about how Lina saved Gourry before he was even born, nor has it stopped my mindset that it's true, but I thought you might want to be informed about it.
What was that all about at the end of the Chapter 7 (after: "see the review button")
[With a flip, Gourry landed beside Lina. With a shake of his head, he said, "Now you're even making my family pay?"] They were on a roof. Gourry if afraid of heights if you remember. I think he'd be screaming, not acting calmly.
["Well, not to worry. I don't even have any destructive spells on me. I mainly cast recreational and inventive spells. You know, like that fishing spell?"] This makes me a bit disgusted to think how you made Lina not...Lina. I mean Lina is everything, she made up of everything she is, and now it seems as if these stories imply, she has never been who she is, but she only is who she is because of Kollina, Mazolina, and Angelina. She isn't in control of herself, or her powers and that got me a bit disgusted with that quote.
[Lina stopped and looked at Kollina, "You mean THAT'S your reason for leaving us? Sheesh, how /ire/responsible."] Did you mean for Lina to sound as if she was pronouncing each syllable as if she is trying sass Kollina? It would probably be better with ir-re-sponsible. Although I doubt this is the case, it's probably a bad uploading error.
Next...colors. I hope when you say pink, it's Lina's normal magenta, not some angelic pink. I would have thought that Kollina's color would be gold, just gold. Black makes her look a bit evil, as if Chaos is choosing a side. Chaos isn't good or evil, it's a product of both. Mazolina would have fit under the blood red you gave her, or the black.
It's Orihalcon not orhalthcon (chapter 8)
[They have to keep the entry fee high in order to keep out the troublemakers and little vandals. Let me handle this, and we'll get in just fine."] ::sweatdrop:: With that price, wouldn't that just tempt more to break-in?
A five-year old being a 10th grader. Need I say more? Well if yes, then I suppose you can already tell how skeptical of Crystal I am, but this seemed to stretch a writer's flexibility and reliability in a story to the breaking point. [Zelphilian wine has a much lighter amount of alcohol in it, but after awhile, it can still make you drunk."] Usually fanfiction writers say Zelphilian wine is the one drink that will get you drunk quickly. Still giving this to a five year old, is to stupid to ignore. Lina can be stupid, but not that stupid. And I don't think Kollina (the one who gave her the drink), the knight of L-sama is that stupid either. [Having seen many romance soap operas and read many books, Crystal knew what he was getting at – and she didn't like the looks of it.] What kind of parents did she have to let her look at that stuff?
At the end when Crystal leaves, it seems a bit cruel. She doesn't seem to care about going back to her own world for her own selfish reasons, not caring that she's leaving her sister all alone.
[Why bother? Crystal can take care of herself just fine, and that bleep deserves it for what he tried to do." Kollina and Gourry nodded. Xellos also agreed] Hello! What happened to the knight of L-sama who was all worried about letting loose the demon in her? Killing another human being is one of the most evilest acts that can be committed and Kollina wasn't doing anything. She doesn't seem to be a Lina I can respect. None of them are. The only thing I liked about Crystal was the fact that she understood that now they were all separate, it wasn't really Lina. At least I think she understood that. Not to mention Gourry is agreeing with it too.
[Gourry had taught her how to use a sword expertly] He was told not to. Lina was right, she was only 5 years old.
["His name is Eurolugos, Gourry dear.] Again this comment got me so angry. Seriously, Gourry dear? That's totally destroying Lina's character and turning it into Sylphiel. Lina has always been a favorite of mine, and seeing her at such a disgusting state, sickens me. She isn't Lina anymore. She's my childhood hero, and I still respect her now. [All three combined made her the ultimate hero in her eyes.] Again, Crystal was right. Lina isn't Lina without all of them. But I don't like the idea of them controlling her either. I'd like to think those things about a part of Lina, and Lina is just Lina all on her own.
On a happier note, I have to congradulate you on your creative use of spells. Usually the spells that even I write seem a bit, stupid. You did a very nice job creating spells and using them in your best interest for the story.
[I’ll even allow you to become future king to Zelphilia.”] Hello? Where is Lina? She was absent for a good number of chapters in this story. Since chapter 8, Chapters 9-13 And even in 14 she wasn't really there. Why in the world does Angelina get to decide if Lina gets married? What ever happened to the switching off thing Lina and Angelina decided to do? Because, it seemed the Angelina was in control for far to long. On that note, what happened to Xelloss? He wasn't really mentioned after the club, and before chapter 14.
Oh yeah, and what happened to that Mazoku that Lina met in Inner Beings? The one that professed his love to her?
Next, of all people to do Lina's wedding, why Xelloss. He should have already died from all the happy emotions from the people around him. Not died, but I hope you know what I mean.
In the end, I'm glad Lina is back to being Lina. Although being weaker didn't exactly please me. [Having been greatly influenced by the spirits, mainly Mazolina] GR. I think you already know my thoughts on this from my previous comments.
[This allowed the people to upgrade their houses and work buildings (inns, restaurants, shopping, etc.)] Ha! After all that time of destroying restaurants, now she's helping to upgrade them. How...ironic.
[Zeldigas] ::sweatdrop:: umm...
I have to admit, I didn't like the overall plot of this story. I saw it as a defilement to everything that is Lina Inverse. However, for the most part it was nicely written.
| Lina Gabriev chapter 5 . 3/19/2005
Interesting turn of events. Almost exactly when you mentioned it, I could tell who the fater was. Very nicely done.
Just a little quibble, Crystal's POV shouldn't really have such imagery. Do five year olds even know what limestone, simultaneously or enthusiasm means? Not to mention what kind of child gets a bedtime story of great white sharks that eat people! I wish it hadn't been a Crystal POV in this instance, because reading from a five year olds point of view isn't exactly captivating for the reader. I really don't mean to sound rude, I'm just trying to help. Really I'm not trying to, which is why I didn't log in when making this review so you would have the option of deleting it.
Also its Itadakimasu not Ikatakimasu as far as I know.
As for Kollina not being able to contact L-sama. That is totally ridiculous. I mean L-sama is the creator of the world. Her connection with her night should never be able to falter. Especially not under the supposedly weakest mazoku's barrier.
I can't say I please that we are not going to be focusing on Gourry, Lina, Angelina, or Kollina for awhile. Mazolina might be Lina. But she really isn't. It feels a bit uncomfortable to change the story from having all the main characters to have just one, Xelloss, and having two never characters take over.
Still not a bad job. I'm just not liking where this is going right now. I did think that Lina, the Dragon SPOOKER and Crystal the Demon Child was a fun pair, even if I'm a bit uncomfortable letting a five year old kill people.
| linagabriev chapter 3 . 3/19/2005
Nice job. Can Crystal's sister see all of this happening?
I would have thought that Lina's trademark was her lighting spell. Her name means light, and she said that light was her strength. It might not be a huge offensive spell but still...
Lastly I think this happened in the last chapter but when Crystal cast Digger Volt, my first impression was that it would have looked like Sylphiel's flare arrow (or carot) but then I remembered Lina's flare arrow from the first season that was directed at Zel. Was that the imagery you were trying to place there?
Nice job again.
| linagabriev chapter 2 . 3/19/2005
Again, very nice. So is her mother Deep Sea Dolphin? Are you going to make sure Deep Sea is insane?
As for the Death mist, I found it a bit cruel that you made Crystal do that! She's only four-five years old, and she's already killed someone! 25 someones! I don't think Lina would have let that happen. Kollina must not care to much for human life whatsoever. I don't think we ever actually see Lina killing a bandit, just toasting them very nicely.
Lastly, I noticed Gourry hasn't said anything in awhile. Anyways nice job. I'm just a bit uncomfortable with a little kid losing her blood innocence and 5 adults just letting it happen. If it was just out of curiosity of what that spell would do to a human, than that's disgusting.
| linagabriev chapter 1 . 3/18/2005
It definitely is an interesting start. A bit of a sidetrack from there former mission but oh well. Will that be accomplished as well? As for the time thing, although it reminds me of Fushigi Yuugi, it sounds as if time goes faster for only them which I don't think you were trying to portray. It's already been 5 And 40 years (what is with the and?) but they haven't like gotten all old since there imprisoned within another's body? What happens if that person dies? Lastly, wouldn't L-sama have noticed if there was a rip in the dimensional portal or something some 40 years ago? She is the creator of their world after all. Nice job so far though.
| RiNa MeTaLlIuM chapter 15 . 4/15/2003
Yeh keep writing i wanna know what's gonna happen next hehe. I wonder if Lina knows that she's married to gourry..lol hehe...one more thing my story will need about 2 more days to write or maybe or maybe just one day..hehe i wsn't home on sunday or monda so couldn't write it! Now have a nice nice ay, will ya? Bai!
| RiNa MeTaLlIuM chapter 14 . 4/8/2003
Continue writing please! Oh and read my story, I just wanted to let you know! Here's the link to my story: ?storyid1107379
Well hope you update soon! _ bai bai!
| Kade chapter 13 . 3/15/2003
Yes. please keep writing. story good no story bad.
| RiNa MeTaLlIuM chapter 13 . 3/15/2003
Yay~! you updated! Well I have to finish my story! I was slackin' off lately heheh! Hope you have a nice time hehhe! Ja Ne!
| RiNa MeTaLlIuM chapter 12 . 3/10/2003
YAY~! Please continue writing! _ hehe i dunno what else to say but to ask you to keep updating on your fic!
| RiNa MeTaLlIuM chapter 11 . 2/15/2003
did gourry do something horrible or something? well it usually is if gourry or anybody don't want to remember what they did that's so awful! Well you know lina is not an obvious main character *sigh* it's like she's a side thing or something! Well don't get sidetracked onto crystal so much, get lina onto that journey or wherever she was heading before in your first story! Oh and please read my story "A Royal Life" i posted on da 13th but uhm.. if you don't want to read it I understand, it's my first time writing the story so i need to improve later on so anywayz (it lookz like i'm advertising hehe! don't mean to, i'm reminding you just in case you don't know! _) keep writing~! keep updating~! Keep up the good work teehee! Ja Ne~!
| kade chapter 10 . 2/7/2003
I still like the story so keep up the good work. ine thing ineed to point out is that gourry gave the sword to siruis at the end Eurolugos died. sorry
| RiNa MeTaLlIuM chapter 10 . 2/7/2003
Kewl keep updating~! I gotta work on my own story now hehe! I keep fergettin about it *sigh* stress stress stress! Now keep up the good work! Some people don't know good work when they see one ::sniff sniff:: Good luck in...anything! Ja!
| Chie chapter 9 . 2/3/2003
I have enjoyed both your stories very much! I can't wait to see what happens next! Please do continue!
| RiNa MeTaLlIuM chapter 9 . 2/1/2003
Keep goingggggggggggggggg~! And I think da guy should be alitto bit powerful but you know crystal is gonna beat da bloody krap outta him hehe! Please update~! _ Ja!