|Reviews for When Instinct Falls|
| Unbroken Sage chapter 3 . 3/24/2016
Very strong chapter. Very little of this needs any help. Your style of writing comes through very clear and sharp. The love scene is elegant and tasteful and flows well with the story, as opposed to just coming out of nowhere. Good ending and once again, great progression of the chapter via the plot and physical writing. Strong ideas. Good job. Below are just a few observations. Once again take them as you will.
P18-start sentence with, "She did not, however, expect to find him..." Flows better.
Rethink the sentence "...glistening with sweat from the glow of the moon shining through the window. Sound like he got sweat from the moon on him and its glowing. Try "It stuck up all over the place, the sweat on his fur glistening from the glow of the moonlight, shining through the window."
Besides those few things, nothing else to left to say. Very strong chapter. Good job.
| Unbroken Sage chapter 2 . 3/24/2016
Good chapter, builds the story up nicely. Good explanation of the way both the world, and even Nick himself, viewed foxes. Good explanation of what personality is, in that opening paragraph. Good solid ending. Leaves the reader waiting for the next chapter for sure. Very descriptive, much like the last one. It flows well, with a few exceptions. Below is a list of things to consider or change.
P1-S1-"It has often been said..." instead of "It was..."
Consider putting the characters personal thoughts into italics or quotations or both.
P6-add "His" to the word "Friend". Should read "His friend." Reads a little better.
P8-remove the word "Yet" before the word "Savoring". Again, helps it read better.
P14-try something like, "A few individuals did, however, attempt to brave the rough weather and the dangers of the night."
P34-"...drinking a soda from a straw." Instead of, "...drinking from a straw in a soda bottle."
P34-"...officers and contacts." Instead of,"...Officers and Allies."
Major must look at. In the time between Nick stepping out of the police cruiser to when Judy thinks about how Nicks meeting with his dad went, there is no advancement of time. She just thinks about something that cannot have happened yet. You need to write in something that allows for time to pass for that story element to take place. As it is, Nick steps out, then so does Judy, she checks in with Clawhauser, and then thinks about Nicks discussion with his father. All that would happen in about five or six minutes tops. Consider having Judy drop Nick off near the apartment and then have her drive the rest of the distance to the station where she then interacts with Clawhauser, gets in her car and heads home, and then arrives to her Nick arguing with someone. Or something similar to that.
Missed story opportunity. In the story, Clawhauser talks about a Hyena attacking Bogo's girlfriend or at least the possibility of it. That allows for something like this. Ex. "Oh, that's unfortunate," she said as she wondered whether or not it might have been the same Hyena from earlier that night. She was concerned..."
These are just some observations and some suggestions. Take them as you will. Great job once again. Shaping up to be a fascinating story. I realize that this story has already been posted, but it wouldn't hurt to edit it and then repost it.
| Unbroken Sage chapter 1 . 3/24/2016
Good start to this chapter. Its sets the tone for what the rest of the story will be in a very good way. Very good description of the love factor and good statement of the main question at the end of the chapter. Overall, very strong sentencing. Major plus point is that it's descriptive without being disruptive. Good job, looking forward to reviewing the rest.
| Discogma chapter 8 . 3/24/2016
they should meet nick's mother
| AudreyBinx chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
Please write more sexual experiences between the two people
| dinoman1996 chapter 8 . 3/23/2016
kids amd marriage are always a good idea just please no adoption.
| Anon chapter 6 . 3/21/2016
I kinda' want to see more of what Judy thinks of Nick.
Like I get they're in love and yadda yadda, but its mostly just Nick being super sweet to Judy and Judy blushing.
Come on Bunny, buy the man a beer or something!
| upplet chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
Thank you all so much for the current feedback! I'm taking all your ideas/thoughts into consideration, but in the end, only time will tell weather or not I'll even update this story! We shall see...
But stay tuned for for something or another...eventually...XD
| GrandTouring chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
(My review wasn't complete before I hit the post button.) I also love the introspective style here. I've been a fan of that writing style for years and you perfected it. As for any possible continuation, I'm not sure whether I want to see kids or a marriage. Either way, I'm sure you would do either of them great.
| GrandTouring chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
This review is for the story as a whole. I love the intimacy here. The plotline is such a departure from normal fanfics in the Zootopia section, and for that, I applaud it.
| SirDaniSkywatcher304 chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
Well about what i previouly reviewed, i've changed my opinion, i think that it would be great that their kids were foxes and bunnies but still being their natural kids. (once again, sorry for any grammar mistake)
| Cyeithen chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
How about a chapter showing the discrimination they faced for being two different species? Since Judy can't get pregnant, they decide to adopt and they kid is confused because their new parents are different species.
| dontwakedrake chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
I would love to read about the two visiting Judy's parents, especially with her father bordering on fearing change but loving his daughter that should prove to be interesting.
| spiceypepper chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
I think writing about the times they were discriminated for being in an inter-species relationship would be really good. I also really like the idea of them having kids. From the times Judy is going through pregnancy to the birth and after. I would love to see both Judy's and Nick's reactions to the whole thing every step of the way. Hope you take that into consideration when you keep writing!
| Wordylady87 chapter 8 . 3/22/2016
What an enchanting story. Again, I love the attention to detail in terms of emotions and scene. The intimacy was very strong, I commend you for that, incredibly well written! Definitely some flashbacks, wedding, children, maybe do it all in progressive stages! Whatever you decide to do, I bet it will be fantastic.