|Reviews for Artemis Maia - The End Leads to a New Beginning|
| Darwin chapter 2 . 4/2/2016
Good morning as promised, I'm back to read more!
Hmmm... I get the feeling you're from California just by how you're describing some of the most famous attractions near where I live. :)
"Smoldering skies (cast)..."
This sentence is a bit of a run on, I would find a way to break it up a bit. "Smoldering skies...upon the redwood groves. Their once mighty beings shriveled and contorted as horrific blasts pummeled them mercilessly." Drop "no escape in sight" it's redundant with merciless describing this event.
Last sentence in the paragraph combines two unlike ideas. Might want to break those apart and address them separately.
"A viscous vat of black(,) churning..."
", and a scream found itself out of her." This is oddly worded. I recommend rewording it. ", and a scream was wrest from her reluctant throat."
"Artemis hit the cold(,)hard..." Multiple adjectives should be separated by commas or an "and" (But I find those heavy handed unless they're being used for strong emphasis)
"That's the fourth...dream." being that this is her direct thought, I would recommend making it its own paragraph and either italicize it or put it in quote and add ", she thought."
"She (gathered)..." watch verb tenses... this is the first I've seen of it, but if you start in third person, past tense, definitely make sure you stay that way.
Hrmmm... gosh character description can be difficult, especially with no one for her to interact with. What you have here works, because it describes her as things are happening, but the thought that ran through my head was, "How is she seeing herself." I know that sounds rather silly, she probably knows what she looks like from seeing herself in a mirror. Yet, there are factions of writers out there who would prefer to see the description spread out, given bit by bit. This isn't to say I think you should change this, but a recommendation would be to try and stretch OTHER character's descriptions through action and interaction with your main character. Does that make any kind of sense?
Proper past tense of cast is cast...
"With her hair up in a high pony centered by her nose." Um... I got the visual that he ponytail is in her face just above her nose. How about, "Drawing her hair into a ponytail high on her head, she ensured it was centered and slipped out the door."
"The sun (showed) no urgency..." "The sun was (loathe to)... "...seemed to be in no (hurry)..." Several version for you to chose from, the current wording is awkward.
"Begrudgingly slowing..." Why is it begrudgingly? Is she too tired to continue the current pace? Might want to expand on that a bit.
Hmmm... I'm thinking you could continue to maintain some mystery with her greater than human abilities here if you don't outright say she's a mutant, but hint at it. Say she can see fine even in the low light, the ability to scale buildings and leap over cars is already a pretty hefty clue.
"she leaped (sideways, easily clearing) the..."
Passed should be past. "country for the (past) (seven) years." Passed is an action (a verb) while past is an adjective describing when in time. Oh also this is one I'm still struggling with as a writer: numbers should be written as words.
Hahahah! I didn't realize this was a Predator Xmen crossover. LOL I'm guessing Granddaddy is none other than Wolverine? So I believe it's adamantium in the spelling of the metal... (It's been a while since I picked up an Xmen title to read)
"French(-)braided", "wear" should be "where"
Interesting, very very interesting. So she was cued into a pending problem by sighting the telltales of a predator (Which by the hints she has had run ins with before.). A team up of some sort?
I am even more curious than before!
Sorry this one ended up being such a long one. I hope it's not too overwhelming. Most of it is just suggestions, and you're welcome to take or leave them as you like!
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns about what I've written here.
Another small suggestion? For your public facing blurb you might consider focusing more on a story-teaser type. The last line in your story description did the most to catch my attention, so maybe expand that?
Good stuff, looking forward to more! :D
| Darwin chapter 1 . 3/28/2016
Hello! I was happy to see that you had a story of your own here for Predator when you favorited mine. :)
An intriguing start. I'm thinking (correct me if I'm wrong here) that this has something to do with AvP2? The infection of the warrior at the end of the movie by the aliens?
I found myself just a tad bit confused on whether your OC was a predator herself or a human "captive turned warrior." I keep wanting to say a human, but I feel I'm missing some context to make a correct judgement. Not that it's a problem necessarily, a little mystery goes a long way in a story like this. Makes me want to continue reading to confirm or revise my current predictions.
You've got a pretty good handle on how to describe without going overboard and story telling without data dumping information on the reader. I like that... I truly do!
There are a few sentences here and there where it gets a bit too flowery, such as: "She froze and swung her claws around..." (Damn you FF for taking away the ability to copy/paste). This would be tighter if you were to write - "She froze and lashed out with her claws..." tighter and says exactly what you want to say without the redundancy of "around" added.
Another suggestion. Rule of thumb when adding attributions to your dialogue if it is not something like "she said," "she cried," or the like the first letter of the sentence following should remain capitalized. So your last bit of dialogue: "No...No. NO!" (S)he clenched her jaws,...
If you had done something like this "No... No. NO!" she squealed, clenching...
It would have been perfect as it was written. :)
Again, intriguing start and I look forward to seeing where this goes! :)
Thanks for the fave of Conflict of Interest (one of these days I will revise that sucker with updated writing, not the 20 year old me that initially wrote it... :P).