Reviews for Beyond The Veil
cj-cold chapter 3 . 9/5/2016
Alright update. Could use some betaing.

For Harry's super drednaught you might want to check the measurements as the ten-k ship has twenty-k guns.

Like the terraforming of Mars using a philosphers stone. Would have had an impact on Earth's expansion and population numbers.

Think it is a plot hole that Harry didn't even bother to check on Proxima just in case. Reminds me of the plot hole I thought of when Harry was using the point me spell to find everyone and simply never thought to "point me Earth" to obtain its location.

Also found the idea of the magicals all fitting onboard a single ship that in canon only transported something like 200 people to be weird. Would think maybe transporting a team to Proxima with a portal they could send the other people through would be a better idea.

Speaking of whatever happened with all the technical information that Daphne had on FTL travel and whatnot. It was supposed to give Humanity a leg up.

Found the idea of Harry trying to join the military a little weird. He has shown he works best alone. Even on Mindoir he ran off and did everything himself instead of commanding his team, something the military doesn't approve of.

Did like his meeting Shepard, though the idea with eezo exposure causing her to have biotics is kind of weak as in canon they state it comes from exposure while in the womb. Though maybe the secondary exposure enhanced her biotics to the point she could do things without the biotic amp implant.

Also the part with the Salarians using the bioweapon on the Quarians was real weak. Given they all live in suits and have extensive decontamination protocols on their ships. The idea of it getting through their filters somewhat helps but was still a weak explaination that doesn't work on a population that is spread out on multiple ships which as soon as the plague was discovered would have quarantined every ship. Preventing movement of people and the plague.

Also have a slight problem with the Geth contacting him, it shows they know who he is as the Shadow Broker and within the Alliance as they addressed him by name after sending him information direct.

The possible peace between the Quarians and the Geth is interesting and with recovering from the Plague might be possible given that they are in desperate times. Especially if some of the most conservative are sick or dead.

Repairing the damage to the Drell homeworld is interesting. Look forward to where you are going with that.

Do like the idea about the attack on Elysium, especially since Harry was supposed to be there on sabatical anyway. Though I find it weird given Harry past interaction with politicians that he would trust the Alliance PM to do something with the info. I would have sent it to a few people to make sure.
Liked the idea of Harry leading classes and meeting up with Shepard again.

Wouldn't be surprised if Alliance Intelligence worked out who Harry is given the way the Nyx keeps appearing at places he is fighting. Especially given the fact he gave out his name of 'Harry' at Shanxi.

More soon please.
AnFan-n-More chapter 3 . 9/5/2016
Poor Harry. All alone in his magical ability. But wait? What happened to all the Muggleborn who were conceived after the Magicals left the planet? Did a situation like the one in "Browncoat Green Eyes" by nonjon happen? Where they scientifically discovered the genes that created a magical?

Probably won't find out for a while if at all in this story. My fanciful guess is that Harry uses the Veil again and there is a second iteration of himself ghosting through the timeline to follow the Magicals and Harry's the reason they disappear! ;)

Thanks for the update.
gaul1 chapter 3 . 9/5/2016
Good chapter, keep up the good work
Guest chapter 1 . 9/3/2016
Very nice I hope that you will continue this story it has definitely got my attention.
jsrd chapter 2 . 9/5/2016
very interesting. Harry gonna kick some turian ass?
kaws chapter 2 . 9/5/2016
This sounds like it has the potential for epicness.
Guest chapter 1 . 9/3/2016
Very good first chapter
infinitearchivealpha chapter 2 . 9/4/2016
I'm enjoying this a lot so far. Hope to see what happens when he's reunited with Daphne. Is this a story where harry being their changes events?
enji-benjy chapter 2 . 9/4/2016
Mnemosyne, now I understand why you had Harry destroy the Reaper the way you did. It also explains the 37 million years (exactly 740 cycles).

You say the redesign of the ship will take up most of the trip to the Citadel, but it all happens before Harry even leaves the planet (moon?) he is on. You might want to keep an eye on continuity.

Thanix mass-driver? I thought they were two very different weapons?
Later you merely call it a kilometer long mass-driver; why not use a Reaper magneto-hydrodynamic weapon (that Thanix was based on)? Harry took the weapon designs from the Reaper he killed. That would be massively more powerful than any mass-driver. Runes could conjure the necessary materials to fire, they don't have to last long.

If Aria T'Loak was that near death when Harry found her, how the hell was she supposed to have survived in canon? Unlike Liara, who was only in danger here because Harry freed the slaves, Aria's situation had nothing to do with anything Harry had done.

Why didn't Harry just use a spell on the Broker? Getting into a melee fight with something that big and strong is idiotic. Even if he can't die, Harry has already said he doesn't want to test how many times he will come back to life, so you can't use the excuse that Harry doesn't care if he dies because he always comes back.

When the person talking, or the point of view, changes, you need to start a new paragraph.

All-in-all a very good first two chapters and I look forward to reading more.

I'm curious to see if Harry was transported to a different reality or merely back in time. I hope, if it was just back in time and Daphne survived, that you don't make their reunion angsty.
It will be interesting to see what happens when Harry's fleet arrives to help the SA, it will also be interesting to see (if this is the same reality) how Daphne has altered their technology from canon, from the sounds of it probably not much since the Turians don't seam to be having too much trouble with them.
Alex2909 chapter 2 . 9/4/2016
like how things turned out with aria, nice idea having harry take over as shadow broker. interesting meeting with liara, wrex and aethyta. guess harry is about to see earth again soon. wonder how that will turn out
AnFan-n-More chapter 2 . 9/4/2016
This will be interesting. Poor poor Turians.

I'm enjoying this a lot so far. Hope to see what happens when he's reunited with Daphne. And, when your done telling the story... Harry gets board again, and takes another trip through the Veil! Given all the twists and turns he seemed to go through, the exit is probably very random. His first trip was probably guided so that he landed in his own dimension due to need. Probably by the Elder Wand (Death) not wanting the cycle of the Reapers to continue.

One thing that will be an evident change will be the fight with the Council due to what is effectively AI's that are against the law being created by Harry. This will reflect on Humans in general. He's not much of an espionage expert so that will likely come out.

I look forward to the next chapter!
cj-cold chapter 2 . 9/4/2016
Nice update.

Think you went a little overboard with the Van Neumann stuff. I was kind of looking forward to Harry building a crew.

Liked the communication portals idea. If Harry really wanted to he could tap those communications and learn a lot for his spy network.

Like that Harry met and allied or befriended some of the longer lived characters who would acutally be around during canon times.

Looking forward to how Harry disturbs the events at Shanxi. Also hope he gives humanity a leg up during their entrance into the galactic community. Just access to his extranet resale company would provide valuable information for the Systems Alliance instead of them just following the propaganda the Council reps fed them.

Just thought of one way Harry could really help the Alliance, the training of biotics. Alliance really screwed that up in canon. If not Harry handling it personally maybe he could get an Asari to do it. For that matter he could create some new biotics, IIRC female biotics having ezzo in their system already would automatically pass that trait on to any children.

Look forward to learning if he did jump dimensions or just time and if we will see Daphne again.

More soon please.
cj-cold chapter 1 . 9/3/2016
Brilliant start.

I like that Harry has basically recreated many of the systems of the Normandy through magic. Can't wait to see what he does with a hardsuit.

I like his relationship with Daphne, though I do think you need to flesh her out some more as a character if we are going to see her again. We didn't even get a description of how she looks or anything.

I look forward to Harry building up his reputation as a merc.

More soon please.
Jmg94 chapter 2 . 9/3/2016
Im loving this story good empire building stories are either hard to find or I've already read them
DragonNOOB chapter 2 . 9/3/2016
I love stories that have character X going to a different universe and just cause general caos while helping take of problems.

Also for this being your first story it is amazing.
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