|Reviews for A Song of Two Worlds|
| Mr Extension chapter 13 . 1/15
I'll have to say, from Chapter 7 you proposed something very interesting, with Short Circuit and Vincent ending up in each other's bodies.
However I don't really see this being developed, because you seemed to be focusing on the Pikachu colony.
I'd really want to know what happened to Chris and "Vincent" after their bodies got swapped. How does their family react? What will they do?
Also, I'm wondering just how they would convince Ampaw to allow Vincent in Short Circuit's body to go with them so they can return them to their proper bodies.
One last thing: what's going on with the rest of the world in the story? What about the shops: you mentioned that they're selling Pokeverse items like Pichu hoodies and Potions. Did the Pokemon currency get transplanted as well?
| Mr Extension chapter 14 . 1/14
Your story is great!
I do want to see more of the new Vincent (with Short Circuit's mind) and Short Circuit (With Vincent's mind) and how the Vincent with Short Circuit's mind copes, especially when his family sees him.
| MidnightTheMutetation chapter 7 . 6/18/2020
Good lord, that single “Chu?” is the epitome of ohfuckme.
Anyways, I really love the chapter! I forgot about how wordy your prose can get, but if I’m being honest, I personally feel that your writing style is *meant* to be wordy, so it gets a pass in my book. Besides, it certainly helps to convey each character’s interactions with one another very well; it definitely got me instantly reattached to them after not reading this story for weeks.
Speaking of characters, I love that you took the time to develop the relationship between Ampaw and Pichu!Vincent. It’s a good thing too, since apparently Pichu!Vincent got replaced by Vincent!Pichu, but even if that didn’t happen, the fact that you managed to maintain that level of love Ampaw has for his “son”, as well as the wariness he has around Chris, is commendable. I hardly see that sort of consistency throughout one chapter, never mind an entire story (which you’ve been doing a great job at as well), so props to you!
I couldn’t see any SPaG issues so far, and I don’t really have anything to criticise in this chapter, so this is all I’m going to talk about for this chapter. I’ll be leaving another review soon, so see you then. Keep up the good work! :)
| Shamekeeper12 chapter 5 . 6/1/2020
Sorry I haven't made too much progress in the past few weeks. I do plan to pick up the pace when I get settled back in my apartment tho, so you'll be hearing more from me in the near future
I've decided to comment about Chapter 5 specifically, because I think it provides a neat summary of my experience with A Song of Two Worlds so far.
First part focuses on how Vince's transformation has changed his instincts. To be honest, I'm not too interested in learning about Vince's new diet of Pi-Chew, and I don't really care for the details of how he bathes himself. There just seems to be normal old family life, which isn't a very interesting read if you ask me. Perhaps you could have trimmed a few hundred words or so in the first third of the chapter by glossing over those bits, focusing instead on how these new changes effect him and how the others begin to patronize him because of these new instincts, rather than the details of the changes themselves.
There's conflict, but maybe it's not the kind of conflict that appeals to me. The pace seems very slow, and the lack of any sort of antagonist driving things forward means there's little reason to not try and skim large parts of the chapter. Things just happen to happen, and Vince seems to be just waiting for the next thing to happen to him.
What happened to all the chaos? Didn't literal buildings just disappear because of the orb incident? Why are we not seeing the repercussions of this incident on their daily lives?
The music scene towards the chapter's midpoint was a more entertaining read. The musical jargon (such as "tonic") seem obstructive at first—until they're used to demonstrate the depth of Vince's knowledge, thus showing us his humanity, and drawing contrast between his old and new forms.
Given the slow pace in the first half of the chapter, the transition to the aerodactyl vs charmander scene seems very nonchalant, and is easy to miss.
Let's compare the opening sentences of a few paragraphs:
"Despite the wreckage, the scene was peaceful. The lightly overcast sky… (long, slow-pace sentence)"
"A storm of rocks blasted against a store's stone wall. Vince had to clutch onto Chris… (long, slow-pace sentence)"
Notice how the sentence structure of the peaceful, everyday-life paragraph (ubiquitous in the first half of the chapter) is essentially identical to the violent, life-threatening paragraph that begins the aerodactly vs charmander scene. The only difference is the words being used.
The sudden transition to combat demands an equally sudden change in pace, but there is no such change. The reader is left to read the entire action scene before realizing they were reading an action scene.
Beside all this, the latter half of the chapter is far stronger than the first. In fact, I would say this part is a direct improvement over the first. It achieves all the good things of the first half (mainly character development), but without any of the same drag. I think the difference is things actually happen in the latter half. We have the action in the aerodactly vs charmander scene, which serves to give Amber a place in the growing list of characters; and we have the emotionally raw Short Circuit scene and the passages preceding and following it, serving to further develop Chris and Vince's relationship.
The first half lacks such raw emotion and excitement, and little character development besides Vince's dislike of being patronized is realized in the second half, which is disappointing.
One thing I find you are especially good at is giving each of your many characters a place in the narrative. I was a bit :grimacing: at Amber's introduction at first, but you manage to skillfully avoid the cardboard character trap with the aerodactyl vs charmander scene. Handling a large cast is something I'm terrible at doing, so you have my sincerest congratulations for making it work on your end.
Overall, this is definitely not your strongest chapter, but it does demonstrate your ability for far superior writing. I'm interested to see how things progress from here, especially going into the more recently written chapters
| I.D.'s Fantasy chapter 14 . 6/1/2020
Nice to know Vince is still in there, even if buried. Great work! Keep it up!
| Why chapter 13 . 5/1/2020
(Sorry for the unfinished post made by mistake )
Because of my bad English, I could only roughly understand what the story is talking about with the assistance of online translators...
From my perspective, I assume that the description of Vicent's feelings was great because I have never seen such description... the interaction between Pichu and human seems excellent too...(at least for a person who doesn't take English as his mother tongue )
But I think that some scenes are emphasized too much, which means the story sometimes loses its balance.
To sum up, this is a awesome fanfiction to me. I will continue reading and polishing my English, then maybe I can offer some valuable advice.
| WhyCantI chapter 13 . 5/1/2020
Sorry for my bad English, I could only roughly understand what the story is talking about with the assistance of online translators...
From my perspective, I assume that the description of Vicent's feelings was great because I have never seen such description... the interaction between Pichu and human seems excellent too...(at least for a person who doesn't take En
| cynsh chapter 13 . 3/25/2020
I’ll get right into things.
At the start of chapter 10, it hits very suddenly that Vince is losing his ‘human’ memories. Possibly a bit too sudden. I figure that this is what the ‘on one paw’ phrase was hinting at way back. Personally I think you could have hinted a little better – I can imagine Vince speaking to Chris/some other human, using Pokémon speak without realising, then having an awkward moment once he’s picked up on it. That would make clearer that this is an actual hint at something, rather than, as I thought at the time, just a weird inconsistency in narration. Just an idea.
It also might have been more dramatic if, for the ‘mom’ moment for example, we were shown Vince realising he was forgetting stuff in the moment, rather than just recapping on it.
Seems to be a common trope in PMD stories for humans to mistakenly try and shake hands with Pokémon. I’ve never been a handshake kind of guy, so I find it hard to relate to that sort of thing. Not necessarily a criticism… just felt like pointing that out.
Chapter 11. First of all: a proper fight, at last! On the whole, I think it was written pretty well. Very brutal, which is my favoured approach. I do have a few bones to pick though.
-Not sure why Vince shouts ‘pichu’ or ‘pikachu’ as he attacks. Maybe to humans they say that, but Vince understands poke-speak – why would he hear it otherwise? Plus Vince shouting his new form’s name as he attacks is preeeeetty corny. (This thing also occurred in chapter 13 with Volt)
-On describing Vince’s evolution, I’m not sure you needed to go into so much detail on the physical changes – I would have concentrated more on how Vince feels, though you did do a bit of that too. One detail that really took me out of the moment was mentioning his tail’s ‘iconic’ shape. I… hope I don’t need to explain why this is bad.
-Unrelated, but why are only pichu colour-blind? This… doesn’t seem to be canon, unless I’m missing something.
My main issue with chapter 12 is that the length of time Vince has been sleeping for is really imprecise. The way you describe his cycle of eating, sleeping, talking to Ampaw etc, makes it sound like it’s been several days at least. Shouldn’t he have recovered at least partially by then, given how quickly Pokémon usually recover from injury? I’m also surprised that Voltail didn’t come to see him already – and that no one seems to have been told he evolved. I would have thought Ampaw would proudly tell everyone upon returning with him. Maybe Ampaw’s just a shy guy.
Without wanting to sound too imposing, I really think you should consider cleaning up your speech formatting – there’s this thing you do where there’s dialogue, a load of narration, then more dialogue from the same person without any dialogue tags. It gets pretty disorientating, and was particularly noticeable in chapter 13. What I mean are passages like these:
Circ groaned. He already had a lot to focus on. Too much. He tried to feel for the electricity around them but focusing less on his flow caused a number of shocks. Volt gave him a reassuring pat. "It's all right, you can do this." He tapped Circ's clenched jaw. "Relax." Circ nodded, took a deep breath, and let go of the tension. His flow became easier to manage, and he started to notice the surrounding static. It was… accumulating around them? No, Volt. "Remember how this feels." Circ assumed he meant the electricity around them before he heard the low, "Raiiii," realizing just moments too late to late to avoid the massive bolt of lightning accompanied by an explosive, "CHU!"
If it were me, I’d split this up into several paragraphs, and remind the reader at points that it’s still Volt speaking.
Also, the point I’ve made before about excessive adjective/adverb use still applies. ‘Frustrated disinterest’ and ‘confused concern’ being two examples.
All that’s left is for me to talk about the overall narrative. I’ll be honest: I don’t feel as positively as I did at the end of my last review. There’s been elements of the last few chapters that have felt repetitive. There is an abundance of hugging, nuzzling, crying… displays of affection, I suppose. I feel it’s begun to overstay its welcome.
The biggest problem, though, is the huge sense of disconnect between the pikachu clan and the rest of the world. Short Circuit getting zapped into a human’s body really interested me. How is he and the human gang gonna deal with that? It’s like a reverse PMD! But since that was revealed, we haven’t seen them… at all. Not only that, but it’s noted that weeks, maybe even months have passed since this split happened! What’s going on with the humans? With the rest of the world, even?
Yes, there’s been development of sorts, in Vince slowly losing his memories (which I do think was handled really well, and was rather sad to read), his evolution, expanding on Ampaw, and Voltail and others. But it feels like the story as a whole has stagnated. There’s so many questions that I want answering but we don’t seem close to any of them.
I do think that you’ve got the components of a really good, unique story. There’s lots of promising things going on. But the world badly needs expanding now. I don’t want to read more chapters of pikachu and pichu doing low-stakes things.
Hope this helps. Feel free to hit me up whenever.
| cynsh chapter 8 . 3/14/2020
We back! This won’t be quite as structured as my last review, simply because I found fewer points to note in each chapter.
So, chapter 5 made it clear that the old human world Vince was in has been turned into the main-series style Pokémon world. Which is cool. But I have… quite a lot of questions about this that haven’t even been addressed in the story, let alone answered. I appreciate that you want to press on with Vince’s own story and probably not dump lots of worldbuilding on readers, but even so, the lack of curiosity from the main cast has been strange. Questions like:
1)What’s happened to all the normal animals in this world? Are they still around, did they all get vaporised, or turned into a Pokémon-equivalent, or what? Also (just noticed this, lol), what would the ham Vince doesn’t want to eat be made of?
2)I think I remember hearing something about some buildings collapsing and others changing structures. I assume something like this happened to the shop Vince and Chris go to. But the girl they talk to, Amber… was she part of the original world too? And would she therefore be REALLY bemused at all these new products that have appeared out of nowhere at her job? She doesn’t show it, if so.
3)Where does Peter pull an ultra ball from? Can anyone just buy pokeballs? Wouldn’t an ultra ball be really expensive, too?
I’ll stop now. Hopefully you get the idea.
I loved the idea of Vince losing himself in a toy piano. It was difficult to work out from Vince’s thoughts what he was actually doing here though – and I’m someone who DOES know their way around a piano. May be a more structural issue of it being really hard to describe in detail someone playing music, haha.
Vince using ‘on one paw’ as a phrase stuck out because 1) this is while he’s thinking like a human, not Short Circuit, and 2) even Short Circuit seemingly wouldn’t just take a human phrase and pokemon-ise it. Though since lots of fics do that so I’m prepared to let it slide.
Chapter 6 says ‘chapter 13’ at the start.
Though only a small reveal, it was nice and subtly revealed that the Ampaw we’d seen fleetingly before turned out to be Short Circuit’s dad. I found the explanation for Vince saying ‘Short Circuit’ instead of his own a name a bit strange. Also, I didn’t point it out before, but Short Circuit is a pretty weird name. Especially because it’s… based on a kinda human concept, right, a circuit? Did Ampaw/his mother really name him that?
A grammatical thing to note is you sometimes put speech in the middle of paragraphs that aren’t really about the character speaking. An example from chapter 8:
‘It was dark. Not pitch black, no, he wasn't that lucky. The pale, waning crescent moon cast just enough light to douse the forest floor and make every. Single. Little movement horrifically viewable, with the perfect amount of obscurity to let the worst-case scenarios run rampant in his mind. The cold air he hadn't notice until now froze his paws to the tree. A violent breeze sent a legion of eerie shifting and a violent shiver down his spine. He couldn't stop shaking. "What's wrong?" The paw on his shoulder washed him in comfort.’
A paragraph break before the ‘what’s wrong’ would make things that little bit cleaner.
And as for the story as a whole… it’s certainly interesting. Not sure exactly where it’s going, but so far there’s no hint of the orb’s origin, or what it is causing this strange link between Vince and Short Circuit. I’d be surprised if the world is actually at risk of turning to ash, though.
Oh, and there’s still plenty of cute moments. They are everything to me
| cynsh chapter 4 . 3/5/2020
Alrighty, my usual shebang is to review every few chapters so it's easier to balance the reading and reviewing parts. Having flicked through the first chapter, it does seem to cover events I was already aware of, so I won’t cover that one. Starting with ch2:
-Something that regularly gets my goat about fanfics is that they move far too slowly through events, packing everything with unnecessary detail. But, even though this could be described as a slow chapter… I think it works very well. I do enjoy seeing the human struggle to adapt to whatever unfortunate creature he’s become.
-Another reason I like it is because some of Vincent and Peter’s interactions are absolutely adorable, like when Vincent grabs onto Peter’s shirt when he’s being carried. And his mad excitement about the apple. He is precious boy.
-It was a little strange that Vincent seems to be behaving rationally one moment, and the next acting entirely on his instincts – for example, his sudden desire to see his mother. I thought that this was explained in chapter 3, when it’s implied that him and Short Circuit have some kind of shared consciousness. But Vincent’s mum isn’t Short Circuit’s mum, so actually… I dunno.
-There’s some strange choices of language. It’s important to remember that though we’re in third person, everything is still seen through Vincent’s eyes. Calling him ‘boy’ feels like what Peter would call him, which muddles the POV a bit. A particularly strange word choice was, uh… ‘he needed to see his mommy’.
-And as good and detailed as your descriptions are, they can sometimes go an adjective/adverb too far. For example: ‘confused surprise(d)’ (these are very closely related emotions) and ‘blessed bliss’ (same problem).
-Hm, why has Vincent has suddenly become Vince? I’ll start calling him Vince too then.
-The first line gives the impression that Vince says, "You found him like this at school?" but it’s surely Peter who does, since Alex responds to it. Might want to clarify that.
-“A shockwave blasted its way across the town, engulfing it and showing no signs of stopping at the city's limits. Buildings morphed, changed, or disappeared completely, and plenty of people were missing, with more gone than remained.” – whoa, what?! I would like a little more information on this clearly earth-shattering series of events, please.
-Don’t have much to critique about this chapter. Vince trying not to fall asleep was another adorable moment.
-Huh, did Vince previously have a scarf? I don’t recall one.
-Vince being desperate to play was another instance of this strange overlap between his rationality and the Pichu instincts. I’m kinda surprised how little resistance he gives to them.
-I’m glad Chris could convince Vince that this catastrophe isn’t really his fault. As irrational as the thought is, I feel like I would have it too were I in Vince’s shoes.
-Not much I can say about this Pikachu side-plot so far, given we’ve only been given snippets. I am intrigued as to where these Pokémon have suddenly come from, assuming this is the same ‘world’ as Vince’s. They’re not behaving like they just suddenly appeared.
So, I went into this with no real idea at all of what your story is about, and I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised so far. It’s obviously not a PMD story, but I’ll still say that it’s pretty damn different from any of those I’ve read.
Despite the apparently enormous world implications of Vincent’s orb-breakage, most of the story thus far has focused on small matters – telling others what happened to him, close relationship struggles… it’s curious. Adorable as many of the scenes have been, I hope things widen in scope a little moving forward.
Oh, and your method of scene breaks are... unique. Sadly, I'm not sure they work too well on a website like this where your text formatting options are limited. The (presumably) binary line breaks in chapter 1 are also flying over my head. Anyway, that's all I got; see you in the next review, matey.
| Just-A-Reader0Love chapter 1 . 12/28/2019
Hmm, lets see how this story goes, the premise is interesting.
Ah, a pianist, interesting. huh, a person should not take a prescription not meant for them, it could end badly. Peter is a responsible older brother, looking out for his little bro. Pokemon and moonlight sonata, nice. The apparent panic in Vincent is very well done, you can feel his anxiety. Ah poor chap, the pressure proved too much to deal with.
Ah, Vincent, a stroll is nice, but destroying self worth is not healthy. Ah, so he did buy medication that was not his own. Ah, the fate of his father is a sad one, but what was the incident in the first place. hmm, a stone of sorts, interesting. Dude, don't skip school, you will miss a lot of stuff.
CALLED IT, GET SCIENCED BOI. It is not stealing a microscope, it is permanently borrowing. Ah, the stone lights up when living organic matter touches it, neato! Never mess with open wires and electricity, that is a great way to get electrocuted. Yikes, the exploded orb could have killed him rather painfully, like a cannon ball to the chest.
yowza, time for an electric drug trip of a time! Huzzah, transformation! Really great description of the changing and Vincent's confusion and panic. woo! Pichu! Things have just gone horribly for the 14 year old boy and the electricity coursing through him knocks him out.
Whole lotta pain for this boy in such a short span of time, hopefully things turn out better for him in the next chapter.
Music for you!
Deadly Premonition (Whistle Theme)
Keep up the great work!
| Ambyssin chapter 2 . 12/25/2019
... I now see why your Exquisite Corpse part turned out as it did.
Merry Christmas! It is I, your No-Longer-Secret Santa here to spread reviewing cheer... or something. I read the first two chapters of this and I think I see where the title of this fic comes from. I don't exactly remember if you said this fic was traditional PMD or not. I'm leaning toward the latter, just based on the premise laid out here. So, Vincent got (violently) transformed into a pichu, but he's still in the real world and trying to figure out how to adjust to his new body and undo the transformation. I'm assuming the voice — Short Circuit? — is hinting at whatever the greater overall scheme is. There certainly seems to be a bit of a slight intelligence difference between Short Circuit — who I'm assuming is from a world akin to the actual games — and Vincent. Given he refers to what I imagine is a poké ball as a "not-place." But that's all I've really got so far, since the opening chapter is essentially devoted to framing exactly who Vincent is as a person before turning him into a pichu.
Now I know you went back and did revisions on the opening in particular. Never saw the original, so I can't compare. You certainly use some sophisticated language. However, I'd argue you go a bit too far with it. Maybe it's just my personal preference for prose that's more conversational but some of the narration sucked me out of the moment with how purple it tended to get. An example being "When it came to failure of any kind—be it his fault or not—he always went into a state of self-flagellation that lasted until he had thoroughly destroyed any and all self-worth in his system—a most effective and healthy coping mechanism." This is an extremely long-winded way of essentially saying, "Vincent responded to this failure with his usual routine of mentally beating himself up." And it might not even be a necessary sentence, since the next paragraph actually has him mentally beating himself up, so this run-on sentence just told us what you then showed in the next paragraph. Or when Vincent accidentally breaks a computer screen and gets pelted with glass shards. You take, like, an entire paragraph or two to convey the pain he's in when you could probably cover that in a sentence and move on.
This all speaks to my two biggest issues with the opening. The first being the mechanics. With your descriptions, you have a lot of very long sentences filled with comma splices, excessive semicolons (which I've been told you should really avoid using often), and EM dashes. During Vincent's transformation, you have a paragraph-length sentence in "He felt his body shrin, hands deform..." And speaking for myself, numerous length, run-on sentences tend to exhaust me and make me want to stop reading.
The other issue is the descriptions themselves. I found them to be a bit, erm, unbalanced and leaning heavily on telling, instead of showing. Don't get me wrong, your look into Vincent's psyche is spot on, if a bit clinical in places. It clearly shows you're coming from a position of "write what you know." But there are more to panic attacks then just the thoughts racing through one's mind. You neglect to show us what Vincent's physically feeling. No racing heart. No throbbing temples. No struggles to breathe. In general, it felt like you neglected the five senses to focus purely on Vincent's thoughts. None of the scenery is really described. There's a peformance stage, a forest, and his room. While the latter gets expanded on in the next chapter, for the most part you're leaving everything to the reader's imagination.
And the issue that comes with focusing so heavily on Vincent's thoughts is that a lot of information about him is simply told to us, rather than shown. For example, we're told that his father died while he's walking through the forest, where an alternative could've been Vincent pulling a worn photo of his dad out from a pocket to look at.
To your credit, the second chapter is better with this. You do a good job showing us the difficulty Vincent has with his new body and his struggle to do things that used to be second-nature to him. So, that's definitely a step in the right direction. Just remember to include other senses. There's more to life than seeing and feeling, after all.
I know you're focusing on your comic, so I'm not sure how helpful this'll be. Still, figured I'd give my two cents. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
| Pbugle chapter 1 . 11/19/2019
Hey Tankui! Thought I’d try to get some more productively back and give your story a look. Can definitely say it wasn’t a mistake. Gonna leave some general points in no particular order for chapter 1.
-I didn’t realize what the purpose of the binary was until almost the very end, but after translating it as I read all I can say is… clever, very clever. Most creative line breaks I’ve ever seen. Was a cool way to keep the message secret, though I do wonder if it’ll have any increased significance as the story progresses. Perhaps a connection to the purpose of the ‘egg’?
-Very effective characterization of Vincent, on both a direct and indirect level. In concert band, I almost never have to play alone, but during technique lessons and such, I can certainly relate to Vincent’s anxiety when playing alone, at least to an extent. The line ‘you’re not broken’ really did strike a chord (pun not intended) on Vincent’s fear and self loathing with his panic attacks. You also did a good job characterizing his interests without directly showing them. Music. Chemistry. A burning curiosity inside of him. A loss in punctuality for stuff like school (perhaps an unwillingness to care after enduring how the aspects of panic attacks build on each other), but everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. PMD protagonist wise, he is pretty unique and memorable.
-As a sidenote, the common theme of music made for perhaps the most natural music cues I’ve seen in a fic. I’m listening to moonlight sonata now while I write this, all because the use of it in the scene made me want to listen to it to set the scene. The melancholic mood of the piece does work quite well. You’re able to integrate music into helping your fic’s mood and theme without breaking the pace by directly saying ‘watch this’ in essence.
-The transformation process also something that not a lot of pmd fics go into detail on. Now, I’m sure everyone has their varying interest on the whole topic, but prose and detail wise I think you did a good job showing the pain and foreign nature of it. Granted, it did go on for perhaps a bit too long (at least tin my own personal preference), but otherwise it was cool.
-On that note, the additional ‘pokespeak’ added to those themes. More or less having the human to pokemon transformation literally rewire your brain, so what one once thought as gibberish becomes completely understandable is a nice twist. I wonder how this’ll effect when Vincent meets other pokemon.
Besides that, that’s more or less all I have. Really did enjoy the read. Some enticing questions to ask over what was the purpose of the egg, why it acts as it does, how Vincent will react to the pmd world, etc. Keep on going, I’ll try to stay in touch!
| TehSammichMan chapter 5 . 11/8/2019
The amazingly-managed doesn't display myself as having logged in, despite the fact I can read and edit my profile, story stats, etc. It's Sammich. Have to drop a guest review, so that's always fun.
Five chapters in and I wanted to give a few bits of what I thought throughout. I listened to all but the last chapter I read of this on text-to-speech during a long car ride, so forgive me if I missed a few important details that provide context for what I'm about to go through.
As a general comment, your prose is great. I don't know what it may have been previously that prompted you to go through so many rewrites, but your writing style is smooth, tact, and delivers certain points with a good punch behind them.
Putting it simply, I think a big root cause of most of the problems in this fic come down to simple logical inconsistencies that tend to go beyond an expected suspension of disbelief. Certain events, reactions, and dialogue almost seemed forced for the sake of getting to the next plot point. While this is the ultimate goal, each event leading up to the next needs to have some sort of significance.
An early example: Vince jumps from the chair, overshoots the desk, and breaks his monitor, showering him in shards of glass and gruesomely injuring him. It's hard to believe to say the least, for a variety of logical reasons. This, in itself, isn't an entirely bad thing. Sure, it goes beyond many's threshold for suspension of disbelief, but as long as the event holds some significance to the greater plot, including it wouldn't have been a bad choice...
He writhes around in agony for a few moments, gets bandaged up by Peter, and goes on his merry way with little to no reference or consequences. Was something like this really the only way to portray Vince's initial discomfort towards Peter? It's important to think about what a particular scene can and does contribute to one of the many pillars of storytelling.
Another thing I noticed, though will probably sort itself out in the next few chapters, is a lack of a strong starting motivation for the characters in question. We're done with Chapter Five now, and it doesn't seem like the story has much 'uumph' behind it. What are Vince's desires? To undo the transformation? If so, he really doesn't think about it often, and seemingly neither do the people around him. What about the earth-shattering implications of messing with the orb? All of these concepts are introduced, but hardly touched upon. It makes for an opening that feels like it doesn't really know what direction it wants to go and foregoes creating a strong early motivation and driving force for the plot in favor of Pichu breakfast scenes (which are adorable, don't get me wrong).
All in all, there's a strong base and I think with a bit of tweaking it'd make the fic just that much better. Don't get into a Turk rhythm and edit so much you lose the spark for writing. That feeling sucks.
| MadderJacker chapter 14 . 9/25/2019
So I know you like Pikachu and all, but like… how many other Pokémon have you featured? Two? Maybe three? Just sayin’.
… Actually I want to do a good intro, but that’s way too good of a transition for my main problem with this story so far. So uh, pretend I eased you into this.
A third of the world has been erased, and the story is focusing on a Pikachu colony. I wanna know more about how the world at large is hanging on, how things being plunged into Pokémon affects everything else. Why is Chris part psychic? What happened to him? Is there an Espurr or something out there that has a random human power like opposable thumbs? And *how the hell is he doing?!* It’s been weeks since he got separated from Vince. And with what happened to him afterwards, it would have made perfect sense to cut to him between the time jumps.
And the OG Short Circuit! Is he going through the same thing?! Is he becoming steadily more human?! What’s going on there?!
Right now it feels like that messed up start to the story was a justification for a transformation fic about a boy becoming, physically and mentally, a ‘chu. Part of me feels like I’ve been misled, but I trust that it’ll come up again. Eventually. Hopefully.
So I’ll stop harping on that and look at the story for what it is: a transformation fic. And let me just say, even though I kinda predicted it, what happened is kinda real messed up. Like a lot. And I can’t really go into more detail than that, because I just don’t know where to start. And I don’t think it’s gonna any easier for Vince, since he’s only getting sucked further into colony life. That much is obvious from the narrative alone. Like, the chapter ended with a cliffhanger about Ampaw, and I’m wondering if I’m supposed to be rooting for Vince to get out of there or not.
I’m confused. I’m confused about what the focus of this story is, because there’s messed up things happening but most of the chapters around the messed up events are just so… playful? Lately they’ve been giving me Watership Down vibes. I don’t know what you want me to feel, man. I honestly don’t know.
And why is music your big motif for things? The name, Vince’s hobby, the scene transitions… There are so many pieces in so many different colors, and I’m trying my best to figure out how things connect, but I just can’t. The theory I floated to you had been more or less denied, so like… What are you up to?
The only question so far that has been answered is what’s happening to Vince’s brain, but the rest of them? It seems like you’re only giving us more, and then going back to silly Pikachu stuff. I have to be missing something.
I’ll find out soon enough, hopefully, once you get back to uploading.