Reviews for The Outsider The Teacher The Great One
NaginiFay chapter 12 . 9/7/2019
I enjoyed this!
Guest chapter 11 . 10/21/2016
Wow! A totally new idea that is great! I really enjoyed it and hope you do write sequels to this story. But first this story needs some re-working. [Yes, I hear your groan and I know how hard it is to do, but you are too good a writer to leave it this way.] Why?
This story is missing at least one chapter - the true Chapter 8. Your chapter numbering matches the "official" section chapters up through Chapter 7, which ends with Spock approaching the ocelot chambers and wanting "answers now". The "official" chapter 8 bears your title of "Part Two" and "chapter 9": Spock is on the Enterprise, and eventually he talks of his great friendship with the Princess. So, ... you skipped what happened when Spock entered those chambers, what answers he got, the adventures that built a friendship with the Princess - for saving her life, alone, would yield gratitude, but not the depth of friendship you hint at. (You didn't even mention how she reacted to Spock's carrying her, how his arm was hurt by the rock smashing into it, and other essential details.)
Actually, the story would be greatly strengthened and improved by adding several chapters before you begin Part Two. It is implied in Part Two that there had been more interaction between young Spock and both hidden groups, bridging the gap between the groups and building a strong trust and friendship between Spock and them. When Spock meets the High Princess in 'official' chapter 9, she references hoping Spock would find a friend in his journey, so he must have told her he was leaving Vulcan for Starfleet Academy - which would have meant interaction with them for at least 12 years(age 6 to 18). We readers would appreciate experiencing that leave-taking as well as the wonderful preceding events that had build the friendships.
Also, the final chapter needs expanding. It feels 'rushed'. I'm sure you've often heard the writing guideline "show, not tell", and you were doing a good job in Part One. But, you ignored it here. In one paragraph, Kirk meets the sehlat council; in the next paragraph you tell us (1) "there were the expected questions" - what were the questions? (2) "There were the introductions," - who was introduced to whom, what did they say, how did they act, etc. (3) "... the delivery of the antidote" - who delivered it, when, where, what side effects did it have if any, how many doses were required and over how long a period, etc.? (4) "The disengaging from the Vulcans" - if you're going to mention this, then we need to know why Vulcan needed further information and to hear Vulcan talking to Scotty and his responses, or at least conversation between Scott and Kirk summarizing it - otherwise just skip this, since we know the Enterprise couldn't show up at Vulcan without getting their permission to beam down. (5) "The time did not pass quickly" - how much time? a day? a week? or what. (6) "...activities [were] engaged in..." - what activities, in addition to taking the antidote? Where did Kirk and crew eat and sleep? Did they get a tour of the homes, tell stories, sing songs, sample food, or what? (7) What was the leave-taking like? I'm sure they said goodbye - and it is just too abrupt to go from the pup sucking on Pavel to being back on the Enterprise.
Your tour of the pup nursery is exactly the type of thing I'm referring to. Here you let us SEE them interacting, rather than just TELLING us that they visited the site. GREAT!
I realize the final story would be much longer but I believe you have the ability to make this into an outstanding story we want to share with our friends. I'll be looking forward to reading it.
Thanks for sharing.
Athena848 chapter 11 . 9/18/2016
I hope you would continue this story. I appreciate the new viewpoints of Vulcan. Great work and thank you.
D.Rose chapter 11 . 9/15/2016
I really like this story, it is very interesting. I would love to see McCoy and Clawsworth meet, and swap stories about Spock. I would love to see how they help the Ocelots and Sehlats become recognized citizens of Vulcan, and stop the inner corruption of the higher Vulcan council, maybe over several years, as the crew of the Enterprise gain more influence in the Federation and on Vulcan (especially younger Vulcan).
Also, one thing, you have Spock as 24, but he was actually older in the series, older then Kirk, but still young for a Vulcan.
Anyways, hope you add more to this story, I am enjoying it.