Reviews for Boundless Integrity
rebecca-in-blue chapter 1 . 1/15/2017
Hi there, here from the review tag at Writers Anonymous. I'm completely fandom blind for this but still trying to give some useful feedback.

A good opening is crucial to any story, to draw in readers, and I'm not sure that the opening lines here really accomplish that. Perhaps because I'm fandom-blind, but I found it very hard to get any sense of what was going on, or to form any mental images. The speaker talks about the "sad, familiar sight that I've grown accustomed to," but he never describes what that sight is. The "nothing else but silence" is confusingly vague, and "my SOUL with the last hope that I cling to" seems a bit over-the-top.

"As I headed out in the Judgement Hall" - To me, this is where the actual story starts, as it's the first paragraph that establishes setting and action. After the confusing opening, I was glad to get to this line.

There are a lot of little SPaG glitches and typos throughout this story. The most common one seems to be that the first words of many sentences aren't capitalized, especially in dialouge: "{S}o," I said, "{W}hat?" I laughed, "{W}ow, you're in a tight space." This increases as the story goes on, especially in the final lines, and I find "SOUL" and "geeeeeeeettt" very messy-looking. You also switch the tense from past to present and back again a few times, which can be kinda distracting to read. "I {knew} that the smiling face was hiding something hideous. I {give} him credit."

I feel like too much of the interaction between the speaker and the flower is spent on mechanical descriptions of their fight, which made it difficult for me to get any impression of them as characters. The flower's taunts about the speaker's dead brother were interesting, and I would've liked to have known about that backstory. I also think you could spend some time on the emotions that these taunts elicit in the speaker. They must have made him angry, but there's no mention of that in the story. When you're writing about something physical, like a fight/battle, it's a good idea to work in emotional descriptions when you can, to keep things balanced.

The mentions of the two other characters near the end (Papyrus and "the old lady") are so brief that I'm not even sure why they're in the story. Things seem to reset to another fight with Flowey-face almost immediately, and since that's what we just saw, it feels a little repetitive. I'm not sure that this story is very accessible fandom-blind.