8a) Upon getting a review that isn't absolutely glowing with praise, you write a 10000 page complaint about how mean your reviewers are and how you've given up writing fanfiction.

8b) Then you go to AO3 and set up an account with a new name and copy your existing stories there, making sure that nobody can read them unless they're logged into that site. (then delete all your stories on FFN)

8c) A year later, you come back to FFN and repost all your stories because nobody is reading your shitfics over there.

You forgot about the 95656695548795447 lordships of the Ancientest and Noblest Houses in the history of the Wizarding World, each with an average of 521656 Wizengamot votes per Ancientest and Noblest House.

This way, the writer can pad their word count by copy/pasting his new hyphenated last name as many times as it takes. (but to the leg-humping Goblins, he's "just Harry", which just makes their house elves commit suicide over having to mop up the mess)

No, no. First you write a really shitty summary, then claim you suck at writing summaries. That way, you'll be sure to get lots of potential readers to read your incredible story.

AND close the owlery, so no one can send a message for help to Amelia Bones, Crusader for Justice.

1/10 guide. You forgot to touch on the most important aspect: the writing. The prose should be as flowery as possible without actually containing substance, and the grammar and/or spelling should be incomprehensible despite the ease of access to a word processing program with spell and grammar checking for any writer who has the ability to upload to a fanfiction site.

Ha! Waaaaay too accurate, damn if I haven't fallen into some of these pits myself!

Being 'open to suggestions' on the plot is the funniest joke ever. The people who write this crap are so creatively bankrupt that the literally need their readers to do half the work for them.

This was fantastic. I've read too many stories like these. I think I even wrote one and indeed, there was a file loss.

wow, i hve to use these tips sometime

ROFL!

This was great, but missing a few bits. The mandatory stop at the ice cream shop in Diagon, here is were the magic truly happens. The seats on Fortescue's(that may or may not be the name) have seen the most important political dealings in all of magical UK. Harry will walk in and just sit at the table with the Minister for Magic and Amelia Bones and rock their shit.

Conversely, if you are writing to get all the feels, Harry will have saved -insert 'understatedly beautiful female' from death eaters or a rampaging dementor or W/e during his shopping trip, take her for ice cream and let the magic happen. The magic ofcourse will be: Mr. Fortescue coming to their table to take his and her order(you know, how ice cream shops work) and being caught by the harrowing resemblance that Harry and unnamed sex kitten have to James Potter and Lily Evans when they were first dating. And also on the day of their wedding, when James and Lily came to "this very ice cream shop, in these very seats".

This, ofcourse, is when unnamed sex kitty swoons and swoons hard. She has secretly always wanted to be the famous, the powerful, the enigmatic Mrs. Evans-Potter. Harry must do all that he can to keep her from jumping his massive bones and forming a magical wedding bond.

"It's to make you feel better so that you can shit on the original version of Harry as much as you can so that by contrast your version of Harry will look good and not like a poorly cobbled together image of what you wanted to become but could never find the will or ambition in your entire life to do so."

BRUHHHHHHH I felt that

This is pure gold

It is at this point I realised that i can't read any more...because as rib crackingly funny as this is...reading further would completly ruin my ability to ever enjoy any other HP fanfic...and thus i must bid adieu...

Of course! Now I know how to write my masterpiece! /s