|Reviews for Game On|
| Dragonman110 chapter 1 . 5/22/2019
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/23/2017
Yo. You got some great stories here. Why not finish some then start new ones after.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/5/2017
Next chapter pleaze!
| marcoglas92 chapter 1 . 4/3/2017
i weep for reina ... not muhahaha thanks for the story
| Ad Homonym chapter 1 . 2/4/2017
Do you care about this story? Do you want it to go anywhere, or did you just post it because you were suddenly struck by a drive to? There's nothing wrong with it if you did. The focus of this site is being free to write whatever you want to, so no one can condemn you for just jotting down something you were inspired to. The only reason I ask is because writing a review is a leap of faith for me, and too many times a story I wanted to see go somewhere fell apart because the author didn't actually care about it. I don't know that you will be anything like that, but I also don't yet know that you're actually serious about this.
As I said before, writing a review is a leap of faith. I can never be sure that whoever I 'm writing it to won't perceive it as offensive and get angry. I usually spend the entire review writing process tearing my hair out trying to figure out how to phrase improvements and offer advice that won't make the recipient upset. It can be very stressful so I'm not even going to try it unless I believe the story could go somewhere. That's why before I attempt to make a comprehensive breakdown of this I want to know that you're serious about improving it.
When I say "serious about improving it" I don't necessarily mean willing to implement every change I suggest, though. This is still your story and the last thing I want is to take that from you. I wouldn't be offended if you were to reject anything I suggest, as long as you want to make this good then I'll be happy.
To prove the sincerety of this I'll offer some corrections and advice now:
"Welcome thanks to Kami and her sisters your life is now a Video Game."
There should be a comma (,) after "Welcome".
"Reina blinked 'What's a video game?' ran through her mind before she taped the Yes button."
A comma should come after "blinked", and "taped" should be "tapped". What you have now gives readers the impression that she is covering the button with some sort of tape.
"Reina quickly pressed Yes because she didn't understand what the letters meant."
"Yes" should be in quotations. Ideally, in the case of quotations inside of quotations one would use a single quotation mark (') on the inside quotation as opposed to a double (") to avoid confusion.
"Every person you mean will have Stats so please call out Stats to see yours."
"mean" should be "meet", though this was most likely an autocorrect issue. The first use of " Stats" in this sentence should not be capitalized, and the second needs quotation marks because she is being instructed to call out something very specific.
This isn't every single issue in this chapter so if you find yourself with some free time it might be good to look over the chapter slowly for anything else.
You're remembering to use quotation marks for speech so you're doing pretty well, but it would help to slow down when you're writing to avoid typos and grammar issues in the future.
Now, having covered a bit of the writing here is some advice for the story content.
A prologue is not strictly necessary, but it would help emotional investment to explain how Reina got into this situation. Did something kill her? If something did, then what was it? I wouldn't blame you for avoiding this part though, since the line between eliciting sympathy and overwhelming the reader with sob stories is often very thin. Another reviewer noted that readers are tired of writers using the "victim of sexual assault" cliche to present a tragic protagonist. While I can't speak for everyone I am inclined to agree.
You're doing a story where Reina's life is like a video game. This alone will be the source of a great deal of contention in those who care to review. Do stats actively increase through training, or is it just when she levels up? Who, if anyone, should she tell about this? What stats should she prioritize? You're probable going to get a lot of opinions about questions like this if you continue this story, and many of them will be in opposition to each other. I can't give you definitive answers to these questions. All I can give you is my opinion and it's no more valid than that of any other reviewer, but since I've already come this far my opinion I shall give.
In my opinion she should be able to raise her stats actively through training as well as acquiring distributable points at level ups, I don't have a well thought out argument for that, it's just what I think. I believe that she should prioritize Intelligence, but since I always play Mage in every video game where it's an option I am biased. Intelligence equates to ones ability to know, learn, recall, understand, and observe things. These would be very useful skills for someone fighting for their life. For example: An intelligent individual could perceive a pattern in enemy attacks or deduce weaknesses in tactics and techniques. I also don't believe that she should tell others about the "Gamer" thing. Again, I don't have a well though out argument for this opinion, it's just what I think. You probably already have an opinion on this matter, and you may already know what you're going to do. If you do then don't let anyone else, myself included dictate how you're going to write.
Regardless of what you choose to do I'll be watching to see where this goes. Good Luck.
| Echo0100 chapter 1 . 1/30/2017
I like this. There are so few Fem!Naruto Fics that DON'T start off with Naru getting raped or some shit. I hope to see an update at some point, I'll be looking forward to it.
| berryboychris chapter 1 . 1/30/2017
Some minor errors and I kinda hope you change the name to Naruko but other then that this is a great story. Keep it up.
| ThunderClaw03 chapter 1 . 1/28/2017
Great job keep it up. Not a bad start update soon
| davycrockett100 chapter 1 . 1/28/2017