|Reviews for Hadrian Black: The Other Twin|
| Tenjo chapter 24 . 4/20/2019
This chapter was kind of weird. Dorea going to Severus was entirely random, so she shouldn’t have known and even if she did, she wouldn’t have kept it from Harry for him to find out on his own. She would have told him when he was younger and taught him back THEN about the two extremes. The other oddity is Narcissa. Why was Narcissa hidden there and why had she pleaded for Snape’s life? Back when Dorea supposedly found out, the Blacks weren’t on good terms with Narcissa and she wouldn’t have even known that Dorea knew. Dorea wouldn’t tell her, there was no reason to. So she wouldn’t have pleaded for his life as, again, there was no reason to. Now onto why she was hidden almost as if in preparation to listen. None of them knew Harry had found out about Snape until he was already in the room. That would imply she was hidden for no apparent reason, which just isn’t viable.
So you’ve got three things that make no sense, all so there can be more drama.
| Tenjo chapter 23 . 4/20/2019
While I agree for the most part about your opinion on James, even about the love potion (as it would also explain why someone as smart as Lily wouldn’t think of leaving the country), I have to disagree with your comparison of Lily and Hermione. They’re nothing alike I my mind even though we didn’t see much of her. The way I envisioned her was a natural genius, like Hermione, but with reasonable priorities and social awareness. She would have been well liked by everyone based on her own personality and merits, she wouldn’t shove them in everyone’s faces either like Hermione does, nor would she look down of the people who aren’t as intelligent as her. Like, let’s put her in Hermione’s position when Snape mistreats Harry. Do you think she would do what Hermione did and all but tell him to suck it up and continually scold him for disrespecting him simply for not referring to him as ‘Professor’ Snape? Or would she stand by him resolutely, refusing to allow Snape’s obvious hatred? I’m putting my money on the latter. While they’re both smart and both bookworms, the two of them are fundamentally different.
| Olly chapter 3 . 4/18/2019
I'm confused, if the Potter give up Harry to focus on Daniel why would they keep his sister ? Shouldn't Dumbledore have asked them to giver her up too ? And if they changed their mind about having only Daniel as a child why not try to take Harry back ?
| Tenjo chapter 20 . 4/18/2019
Found another error. You said he asked Dobby what floor the RoR was on.. but when he first mentioned the room back in one of the early chapters, he said it was on the seventh floor and he wasn’t going to ask Dobby for its exact location. So he knew what floor it was on and not the exact location.
| Tenjo chapter 13 . 4/18/2019
When he said he was playing chess, it made me think he was a sociopath like Albus and Tom. But then I realised that he didn’t view everyone as chess pieces who were expendable for his own greater good, he didn’t view his entire life as a game of chess, he just had small games against people who deserve no empathy. Now he still viewed everyone as chess pieces, but to him they were all invaluable. He’d do what he could to protect them all himself and wouldn’t throw one under the bus just to further his own ambition because, quite frankly, his own ambition isn’t that daring. He just wants his family safe.
Still enjoying this thoroughly, I was just a little surprised when I realised how consistently you’ve portrayed his character.. that’s very rare in fan fiction and I love it.
| Tenjo chapter 6 . 4/17/2019
Six chapters in and I have to say, despite my reservations about stories in the first person; this one is nice so far. It’s well written, the two actual errors I’ve come across were both you accidentally switching the third person. There could be more detail in some parts and you could change some things to make them more interesting, but all in all I’m enjoying it thoroughly.
| Tenjo chapter 1 . 4/17/2019
Ugh. First person? I’m seriously debating whether or not it’s worth reading. On one hand, first person is disgusting. On the other, the reviews are extremely promising. I’ll give it a go.
| amyrlinengineer chapter 25 . 4/15/2019
This story is truly excellent. I very much look forward to seeing how it ends, and I will be following updates closely. I love your whole runemage concept you have going on. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with us.
| ForsakenPhantom chapter 25 . 4/4/2019
I absolutely love this story so far and cannot wait to see how it all ends.
| Guest chapter 25 . 3/30/2019
Great story so far. Please update soon.
| 0D chapter 25 . 3/18/2019
I wasn't going to leave an opinion, but the reviews and ANs of the last few chapters changed my mind.
Let's get the basic things out of the way. First, I think your story is decent, not great, but definitely better than average. The premise is, of course, not original, but with 800k fics about Harry Potter, originality is pretty close to impossible. That being said, I do think you've gone a tad too far with the cliches (as in you've used a few too many of them). Mind you, I freely admit that my opinion is highly subjective and it's possible that the majority of readers might not agree with me (both in a positive or negative way).
Anyways, your writing style is not really to my liking. I prefer stories with more detail in them and slower expositions. You also tend to skip too much. Yes, most, if not all, of the things you skip aren't really relevant, but the transitions are very jarring and really break up the flow of the chapters and story as a whole.
I have a similar problem with the different POVs you use occasionally. I normally like the odd POV change, but your transitions could use some work to make them flow better. Honestly, I'd suggest you just keep different POVs in different chapters, that way you'd avoid most of that issue.
Back to the style of the story, I think that, especially in later chapters, you do really well with the more "drama-oriented" aspects of the characters. The recent bit with Hadrian, Narcissa and Snape was, frankly, excellent. However, you don't really make enough use of this, in my opinion. Especially with regard to characters that aren't Hadrian. The supporting cast, which in this story includes everyone except the main character I feel, is generally likeable, but not really all that well developed. Most of the time they just blend into the background and some of them are more or less pointless (Blaise, Theo). Now that's not necessarily a bad thing, depending on your story, but with the importance you're trying to put on Hadrian's family and friends and their being the driving force behind his actions I feel it'd have made the story much better if they were all more developed. Even some of his girls more or less fade in the background...
Anyways, your English is pretty good although there are the occasional grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. I don't know if it's your first language, but you don't really need to work on much there.
With these things I consider the basics of writing fiction (grammar, style, plot and characterization) out of the way I can concentrate on the thing that made me review in the first place - the "debate" that seems to be going on about James Potter and the way you wrote him in the story. I do love a good argument :)
Now, I'm not in any way fond of the original HP character, nor do I hate him. In fact, I couldn't care less whether he's good, bad or nonexistent in a fic. I also understand that you don't like him (your prerogative) and have tried to portray him in the negative way you think he should be written (also your prerogative). However, I think you've gone too far. You've portrayed him as a useless waste of space that's overly arrogant, completely blind to the world around him and the people in it, and a horrible husband and father. That's perfectly fine. It's what you, the author, have envisioned him as being. The thing is that's all he is. He is one-dimensional to a degree that's usually only used in bashing fics (and usually not very well) which this definitely isn't. Frankly, he's too one-dimensional. He has shown no other qualities whatsoever and his only motivation seems to be to get in Hadrian's way. Why? What's his motivation? Why isn't he stopping? Why is he escalating this "feud"? Is that really the only thing he cares about? Several other minor characters - Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, Malfoy, etc - are the same or similar, however, they are meaningless to the story, so their flatness as characters doesn't really affect much of anything. Nobody expects minor characters to have all that much depth. The problem is that with the amount of "screen time" you've devoted to the character throughout the fic and his relationship with Hadrian, he's not really a minor character. He has more scenes than most of Hadrian's girls and family and is more of an influence on the story than almost any other side character. That's definitely not what a minor character is. And if he's not a minor character then being one-dimensional is really unacceptable. Are there people who are this flat in real life (or at least show that type of facade)? Yes, definitely. But this isn't real life, it's fiction and in fiction characters that have a significant impact on the story really shouldn't be that type of shallow caricature. That just cheapens the story as a whole.
So that's about it for my review. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion on these points. You don't have to agree or change anything. Redeem James; kill him; make him turn into a purple beaver with yellow polka dots - you decide. It's your story and I don't really care, to be perfectly honest. Hell, it's probably too late to change much in this story anyways ,what with the end coming soon. However, I do believe you should keep these things in mind in your future forays into writing. Anyways, thanks for sharing your story and best of luck going forward.
| Tenjo chapter 1 . 3/13/2019
RE to Guest (just belowI’m just assuming as this was something I saw in another story, it took me until the end of that story to figure it out since they didn’t explain it either. Ryan, is the shortened name for Hadrian. ‘Rian’ could sound like ‘Ryan’ if pronounced differently. But it may not be the same in this story.
| Guest chapter 22 . 2/28/2019
the story is awsome but sometimes you dont explain small things and it confuses me so who is ryan?
| Beeswax2 chapter 23 . 3/2/2019
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE !
I think love potions were DEFINATELY used !
Also agree that he was a TRASH SHEEP to not get
his family OUT OF THERE !
| illerayn chapter 25 . 3/2/2019
Always a very good story to read, even more when knowing the endgame (I have read the story that was your inspiration).
Thanks you for writing this story for us, readers, to enjoy (and for those who insult this story or the author, why the fuare you still reading ...).