|Reviews for The Thirteenth Colony Series|
| progomphus chapter 1 . 12/2/2014
I think you have the material here for a great story, however it needs quite a bit of polishing. A few suggestions.
1. The length of the first few chapters are too long and makes them cumbersome.
2. You commented that you are not overly concerned with grammar. You should be as poor grammar as and sentence structure make the story difficult to follow.
3. Many of your technical definitions for military hardware and protocols are repetitive and unnecessary.
4. And this one is probably the toughest, converting air force fighters and naval vessels is simply ludicrous.
I really do think you have a great story here.
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/7/2014
Wow how lucky the Colonials independently evolved to speak Modern English!
Actually I am being heavily sarcastic. This is lazy writing. The Colonials actually speak a strong dialect of Ancient Greek. Would it have been too much trouble for the author to do some handwavium and invent a Translation Method?
Nil Points for lazy sloppy writing. I won't bother to read anything else written here.
| edboy4926 chapter 14 . 7/10/2014
| Hyperion chapter 1 . 3/14/2014
The first three chapters are, IMO, some of the best fanfiction and writting I've seen anywhere, better than a lot of published works I believe.
The Chapter 4 parts, OTOH, seems confusing, strange, and out and out poorly thought out. Honestly, if you ever do continue this story or anything based around it, I might suggest keeping Chapters 1-3 but scrapping and/or heavily rewriting the chapter 4 sections.
| ARIF chapter 9 . 3/10/2013
WHAT A FRAKING RACIALIST YOU ARE
WHO IS EVER USED WMD? USA
USA ACTION AROUND THE WORLD HAD KILLED MORE CIVILIAN (WOMEN AND CHILDREN) THAN AL QAEDA AND OTHER TERRORIST PLUS COMMUNIST AND DRUG LORD OF SOUTH AMERICAN COMBINE.
WHO IS THE REAL TERRORIST?
WHO IS STEALING THE NATURAL SOURCES FROM 3rd COUNTRIES AROUND THE WORLD?
OPEN YOUR EYES YOU RACIALIST IDIOT
| RevanNaberrie chapter 14 . 5/7/2011
Excellent story, one of the best BSG crossover stories i have read so far.
I would suggest a mini chapter between three and four that links the two. I will agree with steve79 and say that chapters 1-3 are a completely different animal than the parts of chapter four. A chapter 3.5 that links the two could alleviate this problem.
Asguard is actually Asgard.
While the story is completely enjoyable the entire part about turning navy ships into space ships is completely unnecessary. Equipping each nation with several Asgard designed versions of the Tollan ion cannons would provide the earth with far greater protection. They could also be employed in a fraction of the time it would take to convert a ship. They could be designed to be self contained and self destruct (dematerialize) if they are tampered with.
I especially enjoyed how you utilized the original BSG. I wonder how this story would unfold if you Started writing it today with the more (skin job)paranoid/ Religious zealot BSG 2003 era characters. I would imagine first contact would not go so well.
Over a year since an update. I would hope you finish this story soon or at least post chapter 5. I would hate to see this story abandoned.
| Nomadic1 chapter 1 . 10/11/2010
I want to like this story. The premise is interesting and challenging. Sadly the sentence construction, incorrect word choices and out of character dialog make it difficult to enjoy. It's a good idea just work on your technical skills.
| alokin chapter 2 . 10/1/2010
Hammond smiled diplomatically, "Sir, the United States of America is a peace loving nation. There is not another nation on Earth at this time, which has a more mobile and tactical advantage than the U.S. If we were an aggressive nation we would have conquered the majority of this planet by sheer force, technological superiority, and numbers."
LOL ! THAT ONE REALLY CRACKED ME UP !
| MalSer chapter 14 . 8/14/2010
Great stuff, really like what you've done with this story. I hope your muse returns to the building soon! Good luck with school.
| JimBeamer5 chapter 13 . 5/9/2010
Where to start? First of all, thanks for all the hard effort in writing this long story. There are quite a few inconsistencies, as others have pointed out, but they can be dealt with. My biggest problem is I can't stand that Bryan Torres, or is that Mary Sue Torres. I dislike the character so much I skip through any sections where he appears. Sorry.
| Firewolfe chapter 14 . 4/10/2010
I really love this story. I am hoping the muse comes back to you one day soon. It is one of the nicer xovers out there and it actually makes sense. So please update soon.
| Worker72 chapter 14 . 4/2/2010
At least Baal is unable to get a toe hold on Earth this time.
| Mechconstrictor chapter 14 . 3/26/2010
Good chapter. I look forward to reading more.
| Steve79 chapter 13 . 3/14/2010
In response to earlier comment.
The sections of chapter four are an entirely different animal to the original chapters of this story.
You have arranged plot holes that are inconsistent with the beginning of the story. Deadalus and Prometheus would not be available in your story, which takes place in season 3 of SG-1, given that both ships where not even built at the time.
Also, Henry Hayes would not be president at this time. He was not elected until Lost City.
The idea that naval ships built for ocean travel could survive in space is also quite unrealistic. To get a ship capable of orbital flight would require the ship to be built from the ground up. Simple upgrading existing non space capable ships simply isn't practical, or realistic.
Also, I believe another post mentioned something about Kinsey. This is correct. Kinsey has zero authority in the military chain of command. No Senator of the United States of America has authority in the military chain of command.
| Nemo Blank chapter 3 . 3/13/2010
Great story, but you have an odd idea about military rank and civilian rank. A Senator is a powerful guy, and a committee chair can be quite influential when it comes to funding, but no general would take notice of the orders of a senator. Senators have no military rank or standing. No soldier would listen. The president is the commander in chief and the only 'civilian' in the government that can give a direct order to a member of the armed forces.