|Reviews for New Vegas: Six|
| The Desert Dancer chapter 7 . 1/10
First of all, I’m sorry I haven’t been able to review sooner. I’ve just been swamped with homework and my personal life, and I’ve only just found the motivation to get back into doing Fanfiction. Anyway enough about me, let’s review this Chapter.
I have to say, I quite enjoyed the scene where Amelia and the gang are in the hotel room and are debating about who gets to sleep in the bed. I found it most amusing to see Amelia being quite nonchalant about sharing a bed and admitting to being a blanket hog. Also fascinating to see Amelia dreaming about her past, which seems to be quite shady. Her father is such a cold and cruel man here, as he basically beats some poor guy to near death. It definitely paints Amelia in a much different light now, as we see her upbringing. It makes me interested to see how Amelia went from that to being a courier for the Mojave Express.
I also quite loved Boone in this Chapter, especially having him thwacking Amelia upside the head with his rifle; it just seems like such a Boone thing to do, especially with him not being at all sorry. Also will be interesting to see how Amelia handles Boone, because that guy…hoo boy, does he have some demons in him.
Also interesting to see Amelia recount her first kill, but mostly because of how…well unemotional she seems. Like she killed a guy who didn’t need to die, and she doesn’t really seem to regret it at all. Like I would imagine her to at least be somewhat remorseful or like “Shit, that shouldn’t have happened”, instead of just shrugging her shoulders. But besides that, I absolutely enjoyed this Chapter and I hope you keep up the good work!
The Desert Dancer
| The Desert Dancer chapter 6 . 12/27/2017
Okay another really good Chapter here, but I have a few complaints. Mainly with the way you structure the sentences between Cass, Amelia and Wyatt. It got a bit confusing at times because you mostly just had the dialogue and not letting us know who is currently talking. I had to pay a bit of attention to those parts and focus on the dialogue, looking at the accent to see who was currently talking. It's something I feel like you should keep in mind for future Chapters, mate.
Also, the whole *Sigh* thing you used, while in a speech bubble. I just find it awkward having stuff like that stuffed into the dialogue of people. You could have had:
"Fine, come along Wyatt." Amelia stated, letting out an annoyed sigh.
Just a suggestion of course, something to keep in mind. But anyway, I really enjoyed this Chapter. Cass has so far proven to be an interesting addition to this story and really seems to gel with EDE, Amelia and Wyatt, and has me excited for future Chapters. Also looks like a certain sniper will be making an appearance soon, given the gang is journeying to Novac. Anyway, awesome job and keep up the good work!
The Desert Dancer
| The Desert Dancer chapter 5 . 12/27/2017
Ah damn, the Legion; one of my most hated factions in the Fallout franchise. Kinda feel bad for that poor bastard at the beginning, the guy who managed to survive the lottery and just got shot down by Amelia. Like goddamn, talk about a 16-carat run of bad luck right there.
Also kinda surprised that you let Vulpes and his cronies survive; I usually just shoot them down before they even get a word in edge-wise. So looks like Vulpes might be making more appearances in the future, and I have to admit I'm less than enthusiastic about that, mainly cause I'm not really a fan of Vulpes at all. I know, that's probably a sacrilegious statement given the amount of love Vulpes gets in the Fanfic community, but I'm just not one of them.
Also yes, Cass is joining the party! Definitely super excited about this one, and interested to see what happens with her. Anyway, awesome job and keep up the good work!
The Desert Dancer
| The Desert Dancer chapter 4 . 12/16/2017
Well shit now that is a LOT of backstory stuff from Wyatt. Like goddamn, he just gave us his entire life story in the course of like two Chapters. I definitely think that could have been paced out a bit better and stretched out over a longer period of time, but thats just me.
And oooooh, I so so SO hope this isnt the last we see of Rose of Sharon Cassidy. Shes such an awesome character and it would suck to see her just get reduced to a cameo. Having said that, this story is already jam packed with characters and I doubt adding Cass to the mix would help things
Now I will admit, I loved the banter between Meyers and Six. And this is coming from someone who always chooses Primm Slimm as sherrif, but Meyers really shined in this Chapter. Anyway, awesome job and keep up the good work!
The Desert Dancer
| Alexeij chapter 1 . 12/15/2017
Ok. This chapter has a lot to sift through. I'll deal with the bad first, then talk about what remains at the end of the process.
First, general grammar and punctuation. There's a lot of capitalization issues: the I is almost never capitalized short of it being at the beginning of a sentence and there are some randomly capitalized words in the middle of sentences. You use the comma freely. Personally, I think way too freely. Your sentences become long-winded and kinda rambly at points, the pacing goes out of the window, and I find myself going cross-eyed or simply skipping to the next paragraph. Expressions like "pushed passed" should be "pushed past". There are a few instances of tense switch from past to present in the narration which should be addressed. Ellipses usually only use three dots (...).
Overall, a quick, safe solution to those distractions is to download the free version of Grammarly. While it has its issues, as in not recognizing words or making some weird suggestions to replace/add words, it's pretty good at catching grammar and punctuation issues. Here's a link:
app . grammarly
Next, dialogue. There are instances where dialogue lines are missing the quotation marks. Others in which the speaker is not clear, as at the end of the discussion between Amelia, Ringo, and Sunny in the gas station. Remember that when the speaker changes, you start a new paragraph. Also, when there are more than two speakers involved, it's better to add a "X said" or some action tags to help the reader understand who's speaking when. The dialogue punctuation is often wrong, or in a few case, actually absent. To help with that, here's another link:
theeditorsblog 2010 /12 /08 / punctuation -in- dialogue/
Also, this one for the commas:
theeditorsblog 2012 /06 /29 /even-more-punctuation-in-dialogue-a-readers-question/
Try to be consistent between dialogue and internal dialogue. Using the same kind of quotation marks becomes confusing. Also, if you want to stress something within a dialogue sentence, or quote someone else's words, don't use the double quotation marks ("), as you're using those for dialogue in general. Italics and single quotation marks (') or a combination of both are a good choice in either case.
Now, descriptions. Throwing a lot of descriptions at the readers in a list or as a pause from the narration is a sure-fire way to prevent them from remembering most of it. I remember Amelia has red hair because she adds she likes it, and the narrow face and asymmetrical nose, but those scars? Total blank. Same with Sunny's description. If you want a description to stick, weave it into the narration, like details in action tags between lines of dialogue, or by bringing attention to it as the chapter progresses. Don't try to describe every detail of the characters: first, as this is fanfiction and readers already know them, a significant detail or two is often more than enough to evoke the entire image. What you should try to point out is what makes them distinctive or recognizable. Even more important, the descriptions you use should tell the reader more about the character than an aesthetic or fashion feature. For example, Amelia's asymmetrical nose suggests to me that it's been broken and badly reset at least once, hinting at least one dangerous and violent past encounter. Conversely, while knowing that Sunny's leather armor only covers one arm could hint that this sensible girl is not so sensible, it's a topic that never comes up again, making the description kinda useless.
I haven't an opinion on Amelia as a character yet. She's a bit jaded, talks like someone who's seen some shit in her life, is a bit condescending, swears a lot, likes her name and hair, is better with a gun than in a scrap... some details are more catchy than others, but I'm kind of lacking a context here. She seems to be going with the flow, or rather, treading the game's plot more out of inertia that a strong, stated motivation, like "I want to know who I am" or "I want answers". It also seems from the initial scene that she knew Benny by name, but she doesn't seem to remember it now.
On the car, well, the Highwayman was kind of unique in the 40s, but I can see more spreading out in time. Kind of weird for the gangers to have a working one themselves. It'd also be weird if Ringo actually knew much about them: he's a caravaner, not a mechanic. Anyway, we'll see.
| The Desert Dancer chapter 3 . 12/13/2017
This was a decent Chapter and I like the idea of Meyers as Sheriff of Primm, but...Wyatt Im kinda iffy on. Like why would he admit to only killing one person to a total stranger, and at gunpoint? Like that seems like something that he would have kept to himself and shared with people he trusted. Like he could have just said he only killed one man, instead of going into full details about the event.
I also feel like Wyatt and Six bonded way too quickly and that things progressed at too rapid of a rate to be natural. Like it seems a bit forced instead of being a natural occurrence, because we've gone from Wyatt and Six being total strangers to having Wyatt wanting to travel with Six in like the exact same Chapter. I dont know, I just feel like you jumped the gun a bit here.
Also, lots of exposition in this Chapter! Like Amelia explaining her preferences of guns over laser weaponry, like instead of having it as a flashback type of thing. It feels odd to have characters explaining everything about their pasts in such detail, instead of just using flashbacks to help explain things. Thats just me personally, but anyway awesome job and keep up the good work!
The Desert Dancer
| Mandalore the Freedom chapter 12 . 12/12/2017
Hmm probably should have gone with him in the bathroom even if it was probably gross or etc but would have been sure of things but who knows, it was pretty damn priceless watch the look on his face to see his bodyguards dead, if he's smart he would get professionals next time.
But interesting Benny didn't tell her everything though, it adds more of her curiousity with the chip without realizing she's holding a very very important thing in her hands. I can only imagine the questions she's gonna ask Yes Man.
HAHAH! Damn did I liked the part she broke that guy's noise, the fat guy really came off as someone who really deserves it, so not too beat up on him being a hostage in this case since he comes off as someone whose probably done some immoral things.
Still, those explosives and between the dead bodies, I can tell the Courier is gonna be known in Vegas for being one who did lot of damage to the Tops, let's hope it doesn't come back to haunt her but if it would I can tell it would add character development to her.
But now I'm curious, what's meeting Yes Man gonna do now? And the path she's gonna take now? I look forward in seeing that.
Overall, nice work, I enjoyed this one. Good luck, till next time.
PAR KOTE BAL IJAAT BE MAND'ALOR!
| Mandalore the Freedom chapter 11 . 11/25/2017
Huh quite a chapter, would have liked to see them do more in Freeside but I'm sure that will get covered in later chapters. Ah that, playing dirty can work yeah but sometimes it can be a double edge sword, if not careful of the type of dirty and to the certain people, it can only lead have more enemies and turn friends kinda against you. Like Cass and Boone are now much more on defense with her now, very interesting to explore of what that can lead to.
Hahaha! That was freaking hilarious of how Wyatt knocked out Connor and just off singing like Ace Ventura did to that guy in that movie, to honest he did came off as a jackass so pretty much deserve it. But cute of attempt insult by Peggy ;P
Ah yes, one of those types, fat, disgusting, greedy, rich assholes, probably from New Reno, bet those girls had to really hold it in when he was all grabby with them and just hope get the money. So awesome to watch the guy get played like that.
Huh, didn't know that the Tops had a pool but makes sense considering it's status and whatnot, curious what kind of trouble Cass is probably causing there.
Overall, not bad, I had a good laugh at the thought of the kind of dumbfounded look that was probably on Benny's face. Good luck, till next time.
PAR KOTE BAL IJAAT BE MAND'ALOR!
| Mandalore the Freedom chapter 10 . 11/4/2017
Hmm kinda dark this one, certainly fits the name of this chapter that's for sure.
Can't say I liked how Amelia handled those Great Khans but eh, it makes things interesting though I am surprised Cass and Boone didn't voice their disagreements there, Cass being someone who keeps her word I feel would have voiced displeasure there and Boone well that probably would have had stire bad memories, just like the mercy killing right there, that's something I feel will get brought up later on.
Ah yes Veronica, I always did liked her but I also felt sad for her too. A friendly, upbeat, and loyal friend who would always have your back but you also feel sad when you hear about Christine and Elijah and how she's force watch the Brotherhood of Steel she cares about falling apart and they don't listen to her own opinions. Not to mention unlike in the East Brotherhood of Steel under the Lyons and Arthur Maxson by Fallout 4, same-sex relationships is frowned upon West Coast Brotherhood of Steel. They just don't adapt like the East Coast Brotherhood of Steel has, they become a powerhouse there and have grown very powerful after defeating the Enclave as we see in Fallout 4 but as we see here in New Vegas, it's the complete opposite.
Ah the NCR-Brotherhood of Steel war, that one could have been avoided but no, High Elder Jeremy Maxson just had to be a asshole and started up that war. As described by my friends Jacob Salier and Alexeij, it was damn ugly with war crimes being committed and lot of people dead. It's only matter of time before Boone is gonna notice things off about Veronica there in regards of her backstory and connect the dots, I strongly feel he was involved in some fighting against the Brotherhood of Steel. And Cass well she certainly didn't had good things say about them and probably for good reasons.
Hmm Amelia continues interest me, you explored her character quite interesting and made her a unique Courier with her decisions.
Anyway good luck, till next time.
PAR KOTE BAL IJAAT BE MAND'ALOR!
| Mandalore the Freedom chapter 9 . 10/26/2017
It’s been a while, apologizes for that, been few things happening.
Well you’re character certainly is a interesting one, as I fairly stated before, I see she has right morals for the most part in mind but has limits in what she’s willing to take, a realist at best and survivalist. But curious what the Wasteland will do change her? I can tell right away, the DLCs will make her eyes open to things she never seen.
But now we got Boone! One of my favorite companions of Fallout, I really look forward hoe someone like him will get along with your character. Boone is a harden man and one with PTSD scars, but his heart still had level of morals and duty to the NCR, not blindly but it’s still there.
But my own issues here is I felt lot of things here were rushed, I recommend placing more spaces, take your time with the chapters, no need for rushing. I feel Manny while did that punch deserved, I feel there should have been more development between him and Boone, getting him a wake-up call about his actions and how he and Boone needed put that aside him.
But also I would have liked Amelia meet more of the town in Novac, mostly Ranger Andy as I felt he would have play good role of showing her just how seriously immoral and dangerous the Legion is, what happened at Ranger Charile I felt would have done a message clear to her.
Cass I would like see more of her as well. I love her interactions here and everything but I love see how she gets along with someone like Boone. Their both from the NCR and while they have their issues, their still loyal to it, but Cass is a merchant and cowgirl whose seen much of the roads and towns, all that kind of thing and sees what the NCR needs to do but she’s just more bluntly honest about it. Where Boone has seen in the frontlines and horrors of war, he knows fully what kind of enemy the Legion is and what they need ready for but NCR is dealing with too many other problems that Legion is just buying their time. Still, I expect Boone will provide lots of good intel for the group on hostiles and lore related things.
The Vault Dweller, the NCR’s history, the Great Khans, theEnclave, Brotherhood, etc. And it truly all makes me curious where you plan go with him.
Wyatt of course is the kid of the group, the rookie, someone learning the ropes and everything, but I see him becoming something great in the future, mark my words, he has potential with the way you write him.
Anyway, hope this all goes well. I plan on getting John Walker drawn and if you’re still interested in using him, I’ll let ya know when the drawing is done. It will be on DeviantART, account Canderou. But before I go, there is one Fallout story I highly recommend to those of New Vegas fans.
And I also recommend listening to whatever advise my friend Desert Dancer gives here. His one of my best friends and someone I highly trust in writing.
Good luck, till next time.
PAR KOTE BAL IJJAT BE MAND’ALOR!
| Starship King chapter 1 . 10/19/2017
good story, like what I see
| The Desert Dancer chapter 2 . 10/15/2017
Sorry to be a dick, but I’m not really a fan of the first-person narrative you’re doing. It feels a bit too personal, and takes me out of the story a bit. I usually prefer stories using third-person narratives, but that’s just personal preference.
So this car, this seemingly perfectly intact car, is still around after 200 years and no-one has thought to steal it? Bit of a stretch, admittedly. Also, is bullet-proof tires an actual thing? I have never heard of this before, so I’m a bit confused.
VATS is a weird topic, at least from a writing stand-point. Like, how do you explain VATS in a way that makes it seem possible instead of just a game mechanic? It’s for that reason why I generally tend to avoid any mention of VATS in my stories, cause of how tricky a topic it is.
I’m sorry, but this whole ‘hallucination’ scene was just handled so poorly. The idea is good and it definitely gives some added depth to Amelia, but the way you executed it wasn’t that good. I just got so confused, and I actually had to re-read that part, because I was wondering what on Earth had just happened.
But yeah, we’ve got good old ED-E on the team now! Oh thank god I’m not the only one that wanted to say “fuck off” to Deputy Beagle XD Like buddy, Primm is YOUR responsibility, not mine. Anyway, awesome job and keep up the good work!
The Desert Dancer
| The Desert Dancer chapter 1 . 10/13/2017
Alright, good job Amelia on taking down the Powder Gangers! Always hated those jerks, especially with the whole "Run Goodsprings Run" questline; no-one attacks Goodsprings and gets away with it.
But this Chapter feels kind of rushed, with a LOT of typos and grammatical errors. I cringed whenever I saw an "I" typed out as a "i", but that's just the grammar-nazi in me. I also noticed you using the word 'said' a lot. As just a general tip, to help you improve as a writer, avoid the word 'said' as often as possible. Use any other word, like 'asked', 'inquired', 'shouted, whatever, but avoid said unless you have to use it.
One thing I did notice, and I hate to be a huge jerk about it, but this story feels a bit...well, plain. Like it just feels like a regular playthrough of New Vegas, with nothing really making it unique besides Amelia. You should try and add your own elements to this story, like OCs or unique plotlines, to help make your story stand out from the crowd.
I know personally two Fallout writers, Jacob Sailer and Alexeij, who are writing New Vegas stories. Both of these stories are just insanely good, because while they do use the base story, they add their own plot-twists and storylines to it to help freshen it up. Heck, Alexeij's New Vegas story (called "Missing in Action") is so organic and adds so much content to the base game, that it feels like an Original Work. I'm sorry if this seems like I'm being an arsehole and just complaining about shit, but I just really want you to succeed as a writer. I see a lot of potential in you, and it would be awesome to see what creative ideas your mind invents. Anyway, awesome job and keep up the good work!
The Desert Dancer
| Mandalore the Freedom chapter 3 . 6/13/2017
Hmm promising, promising indeed, Sheason doing good job of inspiring more authors create new Fallout stories, always good to see.
You're Courier is certainly a new one that hasn't been seen very much, kinda of a bitch but so longest her morals are in the right place since she kinda reminds me of my own Courier Six. Still very curious how will she adapt to the situation in the Mojave, it's gonna hit hard fast.
Ah the NCR, well she's not wrong in some ways alright, NCR got lot answer for, still just because me and Sheason are friends it doesn't always quite mean we agree on everything as like I didn't quite agree how he handle some of NCR characters such as Crocker, that one felt more like bashing then actual how Crocker is a guy. And when it all comes down to it... I share a similar opinion with Cass and Boone on the NCR, they got faults, their compass is spinning, and besides the people? It's the soldiers who suffer the most, death counts are very high, lot of had due to some leadership under Oliver there and Kimball. Had the NCR forces been under main command of both Colonel Hsu and Chief Hanlon there sure as hell be lot more different, still NCR lot more redeemable compare to other factions I can name.
Overall I tend look at a bigger picture on certain matters and look over the possible results should the NCR fall here... That's gonna cause lot of chaos that's for sure. Still that's just my opinion.
Anyway interesting story, I can see this will be a promising one, looking forward in seeing if you will include the companions onto the DLC quests, it bug me quite a bit that we couldn't do that. And if you want, I have one or two if you want, OCs you have full more permission to use if you ever want? All up to you. Good luck, till next time.
PAR KOTE BAL IJAAT BE MAND'ALOR!