|Reviews for Battle of Twinn|
| SmallInsect chapter 1 . 8/16/2005
I like it. well written for the most part and entertaining. It seems pretty IC, though I’ll be cautious in saying that, since it’s been along time since I saw an episode of this show (more than ten years, in fact) and the clips on the official site can only tell you so much.
The dungeoneers seem rather flat and 2D – they’re there as a plot device in order to move the plot along. I know that the dungeoneers change every episode and so you never really get to know them, but this is a story, not an episode, and even though they weren’t around for very long, it would help if you gave the dungeoneer some more personality.
I would have liked the dungeoneers to stick around longer and have been given more personality, personally, but that’s just my own opinion.
Mike fell. He heard his team mates yelling at him through the air but he couldn't even grab hold of them for safety. He fell thousands of feet before he answered their calls. "I'm here. I'm still alive." – You switched to Mike’s POV there, which didn’t work and was out of joint with the rest of the story. POV still applies even in third person stories, so pick one POV and stick with it for as long as possible. It’s okay to change POV’s say, if you’re starting a new paragraph, but not for just a few sentences.
"Was lifted off her feet and flung across the room in a state of unconsciousness." - so was he unconscious before he hit the wall? This sentence is clumsy.
Otherwise I have no qualms, it was interesting and a clever plot idea, though perhaps would be better separated into several chapters. Kudos to you.
| HStorm chapter 1 . 1/12/2004
I loved this story, it's probably your best in fact.
I especially like the way you managed to do what they mucked up at the end of season 2 in the series - backwards day in the Dungeon. You managed to get it right and therefore made it a much more insidious business, as it should have been!
I'm being very speculative and fussy here, but I'd argue the portrayal of an inverted Sidriss may not have been done right. Remembering that nervousness is a part of her regular persona, if her character's been reversed she would not be wildly psychopathic, but cool and devious. Like I say though, I'm really speculating there, and being fussy about a story that deserves praise.
Loved it. Five stars!