|Reviews for Promises Unbroken|
| koolkat983417 chapter 41 . 7/16
well that was just rude
| Rey chapter 41 . 7/11
Right. So after reading and re-reading this story at least twenty times, I'm going to review. I'm not going into specifics on the minor errors such as spelling, because in light of the power of this story, they are insignificant.
In my opinion, this is everything fan fiction should be and was meant to be. You've taken one choice (which seems to be part of this stories message), and shown how it changes each character (while still having good characterization), place and the way the story develops. I like how you've shown from where Dumbledore gets his power, and given Snape the depth that he deserves. You've shown the hierarchy of pure-blood society and how it operates and shown how grief affects people in different ways sensitively and accurately.
Ultimately, what really made me admire this story is how you, like Rowling, had a central theme to the story (the power of a choice), which made this story truly powerful.
Thanks for the amazing story
| TheChickWithTheAwesomeUsername chapter 4 . 7/4
Whaaa? Remus is Headmaster? What happened to Albus?
| TheChickWithTheAwesomeUsername chapter 3 . 7/4
Cool cool. But you know Grindelwards prison?
(In more ways than one)
Nurmengard, right? Or something like that.
That's still a prison. Soooo Azkaban isn't the only jail there.
| Amydiddle chapter 7 . 6/18
Aw Petey~ I love him
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 17 . 6/12
Mundungus: Seeing the PTSD really makes the threat of Voldemort real. It's fascinating to see him as a strong, skilled character rather than a skeezy thief. It gives him more depth, as well as lending the story credibility to how long the war's been going on.
Blood Politics: A fascinating and complicated matter. However, you've got the family's wrong. Eileen was a Prince, one of the families well respected in pure blood circles. The Snapes were a mugggle family - that's why Severus grew up poor. His father was a Muggle and his mother's family disapproved and considered her a failure and a disgrace.
[suggestions are in all caps]
1. "He was certain that THE nightmarish session wouldn't be the last,..."
2. "Something fell to the ground from within the cloud, but the Aurors were taking NO chances."
3. "REACHING a closed oak door, she shook herself free of the past an knocked."
These are all cases of typos or missing words in sentences.
4. "Because I lost something while in Voldemort's hands, something important. And I'm not sure I'll ever get that back."
There isn't any reason to separate the last part of the dialogue into a separate line, as it's still Mundungus saying it.
5. "They'd had to lock Sam IN their most secure holding cell."
6. "In the end, Sam HAD only been able to sob out that he was sorry...,"
A case of a type and a missing word.
7. "And you really[space] don't want to get married to anyone at all?"
another case of two words becoming smashed together.
Kudos on a fascinating chatper!
~ Jazzelyn E. Roisin
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 16 . 6/12
Molly: I'm hoping we, as readers, get to see her fighting spirit! She's such a strong matriarch in the Weasley family, and she's joined the Order of the Phoenix. I know her grief is massive, having lost Charlie and now thinking she's lost Bill too. But, we know she's a fighter and a good one, so I hope we see that.
Attack on Hogwarts: The timing of the attack is really well done for plot structure. It's interesting that you focus in on fear, especially since fear has been an underlying concept throughout the story so far. I like that Harry, Ron and Hermione are the ones who come into contact with the giants - and that they feel so strongly about wanting to fight.
Severus: Seeing his concern, as well as his incredulous reaction to the trio makes me wonder how distrusting he actually is. But, he is a formidable Deputy Headmaster, and it's interesting to see the perception of him as distant and uncaring change in an instant.
Remus: His change from caring to cold, in the fact of Hogwarts being attacked, is quite interesting. Even in the books, Rowling never seemed to show his gritty side or a fighting spirit. I like that Remus jumps immediately to defending the students, whom he thinks of as his children, metaphorically speaking. It's nice seeing him play a central role in a story.
Harry: The same one I loved from the books shows up in your story. The one who wants to fight and prove himself. I like how he is constantly put in check by Remus or other adults. It allows for you to give him moments of clarity he didn't have in canon - moments where he is forced to acknowledge his inexperience as well as confront that there is something (the Order and Severus' double agent role) bigger than himself at play in situations where he clearly has a bias.
[Suggestions are in all caps below for easy noticeability.]
1. "Something was wrong. HARRY knew it.
Ron's head came up. "There's something really weird here, guys," he shivered, "I can feel it."
It's important that you create a new paragraph between Harry's reaction and Ron's. And that you identify in the previous sentence that Harry is the one thinking and feeling the thoughts we're reading. Otherwise, to inexperienced readers, it will feel like the perspective changes for a split second to Ron, when in reality the entire section is from Harry's perspective.
2. Or maybe it WAS simply BECAUSE Hermione was closest, and therefore the easiest to reach."
Another case of a missing word.
Kudos on a great chapter!
~ Jazzelyn E. Roisin
| Jazz E. Roisin chapter 15 . 6/11
Severus: Seeing into his mind really helps create the alternate universe. It makes me scared for him, because his role puts him at high risk for torture and death. Seeing this role, as compared to his position and interactions with Remus at Hogwarts paints a really clear idea of his experiences and how he's affected.
Arthur: It's interesting seeing the progression from neutral to Allied Powers (so so speak). I find it heartbreaking that no matter how hared he tried, Arthur couldn't keep his family from the war.
Peter: Even though he isn't present much, I keep waiting with baited breath and fear because I don't know if you've kept him canon-centric or are going to take Peter in a different direction. It's got me on edge because if the reveal, I think might happens, happens it's going to throw the whole thing on it's side!
[Suggestions are in all caps or in parenthesis/brackets for noticeability.)
1. "James looked up, from the letter he was reading, to the person across from him who had muttered the curse."
I feel this is a streamlined version of what you were trying to say. Sometimes tweaking words here and there can really help sharpen up the writing.
2. "James wished he could STILL feel the pain that Bill felt. The burning desire for revenge, but JAMES couldn't."
It's important to clarify emotions, and to use the name of the person you're talking to when several people end up in the same scene.
3. ' "For that and many other things," James agreed, leaving many words [space] unspoken, but both Aurors heard them anyways." '
Currently 'words' and 'spoken' are smashed together into wordsunspoken. Separating the is both grammatically correct and visually easier to read.
4. ' "You know they killed Charlie[question mark]" He hated to ask..., '
Using proper punctuation can signal what kinds of emotions characters are feeling. As well as helping you get rid of dialogue tags in ever line of dialogue.
5. ' "He was[question mark]" BILL asked, SURPRISED.'
Now, since Bill is asking a question - and reacting to it a the same time you can use a question mark and the dialogue tag "he asked" at the same time.
6. "James nodded. He took a deep breath before replying, "I've been trying to crack Azkaban for years...,"
It's important that you separate James' reaction and dialogue into the same paragraph but separate from Bill's.
7. "The crimes FOR WHICH he was wanted were worthy of a millennium in prison, and those were only the ones OF WHICH the Ministry knew."
I know it sounds strange but this is the correct way to state this - as it gets rid of the hanging participle.
8. "It was a gamble but... "If you you permitted me, I could -(quotation mark)
Anytime there's dialogue you need to make sure that both sides are surrounded in quotation marks.
9. "He had no idea what 'experiment' Lestrange was talking about, but it hardly mattered."
Your current sentence is very wordy. It's beneficial for writing skill to say what you need with less words. Its' a good challenge.
10. "...- Adams had retired two days before, and Arthur WAS already swamped."
Case of a forgotten word.
11. "Bella squeezed his hand. "We'll DO everything we can for him, Arthur, but..." "
Currently says "we'll go everything."
Kudos on a Great Chapter!
~ Jazz E Roision
| LilyTigerValley chapter 41 . 6/10
I keep forgetting to favourite this story. I think it may be my favourite harry potter fanfic of all time and my favourite list doesn't deserve to have this baby in it. I love this story, I’m in love with your writing style and I love love love Sirius so this story in the best, hands down.
For the first time ever I don't hate Snape's guts (sign of the apocalypse! Everyone run for cover!); and this simply is amazing in itself.
I’ve been putting off reading the sequel because honestly, most great stories have terrible sequels. I can tell from the preview that the sequel isn't going to be bad (looking forward to the Sirius-Tonks reunion, sounds fun) but one of the reasons I won't click on it is that I’ve been morning Dumbledore’s death (WHY? why was his death so heart-breaking and so... so... perfect?) he had to die, didn't he? Well, I’ve been putting it off long enough (two years, give or take! :P), off to read the sequel!
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/6
Hahahaha no one better to teach transfiguration omg lol my nan would teach transfigutation better even tho she has no clue about harry potter haha. Is this a humor genre fic cos this quite funny? No but siriusly tho mate whats with the shitty characters sudenly being powerfull and competent. Mate no matter how you change you fletcher hes still fletcher and as such a joke even if in your fic hes bloddy second merlin
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/6
These changes to the characters make the story much more akward and somehow forced i dont know what it is but i do feel that due to you trying to keep everything misterious and not open this gets more confusing forced and akward instead of interesting
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/6
Ergh i cant help but agree arabella was a squib. NEVER was she in the order or even part of the magical world her personality can be justified if all else was accounted for but its so not. Dont get me started on mundungus hes a thief and a smuggler. He was never an auror nor did he have ANY reL magical talent at all not to mention coward and drunk. The ONLY reason he was in the order was street info. I dont see the reason of killing of good charcters that allready had their own personality and using very poor substitutes like mundungus for mcgonagall and i am quite disgusted that she was replaced by someone like that so cor this and the confusing nature in which you write i allready dislike this story
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/6
I hate you cos you killed of mcgonagall. Also your description of fig and fletcher are soo ooc it quite ridiculus and laughable cos these characters don't fit at all, like completely wrong on so many levels. You also dont justify the changes in any way so i just came here to share how disapointed i am with the poor character creation
| superpony55 chapter 41 . 5/20
I finished Promises Unbroken and... wow. That's all I have to say. Wow.
I've considered reading this before, but this is the first time I've gotten around to it - and I'm glad I did!
| superpony55 chapter 6 . 5/19
Don't make me teary. It does not help to be listening to For Good and the finale of Wicked while reading this.