Reviews for Covert Operations
Tora Lych chapter 1 . 12/1/2020
Just a note: You can set crossovers in storys.
Nightmare Prince chapter 4 . 7/14/2019
Hullo

Sorry this is late, but explanations tend to be excuses, so let’s just jump right in, shall we?

One thing that jumps out at me from the start is that you’re setting a few of your sentences into the passive, which detracts from the story, in my opinion. Something like [Yu was walking] – should be – [Yu walked]. Another thing would be repetition – [Yu stopped walking and turned around to see the teenager stop his bicycle near him.] – would feel more fluid as – [Yu paused, turning just in time to see the teenager stop his bicycle near him.]

[when he heard what sounded like the bicycle bell were heard.] – General SPaG – [when he heard what sounded like a bicycle bell.]

That aside, I appreciate their banter. It lightens things up and feels very human, which works towards making me care about them. I do like them well enough, I think, as they’re quite interesting, and the casual way in which they discuss the case is hilarious. It’s sort of that ER humor that doctors use to not go mad from all the things they see on a day-to-day basis.

Not a fan of the brackets used to separate the dialogue in the next scene. It’s just jarring. Italics would be smoother for denoting a different type of speech.

One thing I appreciate about MOM is that she never seems like a heroic figure, so to speak. We’re aware that her organisation is likely a good one working alongside our protagonists, but there’s an air of mystery that makes them all not so trustworthy. I think I made the comparison before, but they’re really like Division from Nikita in that way.

Okay, I see where you’re going with the bold dialogue to denote that the conversation is happening over the phone, but it jars. The words stand out in a very clumsy manner, and it’s just forced. It’s dialogue – there doesn’t need to be formatting to make it different because of the medium, but italics are smoother and would work better if you really want to go with a denoted change.

See, the bold in the bit right after is perfect. It works in texting, so to speak, because it’s a written message – denoting the change there is clear and it works well enough. What we don’t need to do is know he has an Iphone 4. Just saying it’s an Iphone works to smoothen the prose in that bit. Unless there’s a crucial plot element that revolves around it being the Iphone 4, that bit of detail isn’t necessary.

Overall, the story is good. I like the plot and I think the ending was very solid, but there’s a lot of technical things that bog it down for me as a reader. That aside, I do appreciate the hook into the next chapter. It seems like we’re finally making solid breakthroughs towards solving the case, but the mystery elements are still quite strong.

-Ciao Mate
Nightmare Prince chapter 3 . 4/27/2019
Hullo xD

Right off the bat, I find that the location cards breaks up the flow of the chapter in a very unfortunate manner, especially given that the last chapter had a pretty solid hook into this one. By breaking up that flow to give us the location, you undercut the tension, and it just doesn’t work for me as a reader – it just doesn’t fit the medium, to be honest. If this was visual, they could be quite nice as an additional detail, but because it’s written, it just detracts from the overall piece.

The conflict is quite nice, I feel, and the shadow’s being able to defeat them so easily works very well, setting him/her up as a powerful antagonist. The bit about accepting the shadow as him as well was an interesting turnaround, and I quite like the theme of it all. There is light and darkness in everyone, and you need to accept the bad as well as the good. It’s very introspective and I honestly wish to see more of it in the oncoming chapters.

This chapter is also incredibly long and to be honest, not much happens. It’s crawling along, and to be blunt, it’s a bit of a turn off as a reader because at about the halfway mark, I’m not focusing as much as I did in at the beginning. I would recommend you split this into two or even three smaller chapters as it’s a lot of world-building, and reserve the lengthy chapters for very fast-paced parts of the story so as to not bog it down.

What I did like was the scene in which we got to learn more about Yu as a character as it was a nice humanising look into his life, and it created some nice depth. Smaller moments like this do tend to flesh out a character, and seeing him with his family does this very well.

-Ciao Mate
Nightmare Prince chapter 2 . 3/28/2019
Hullo

The opening scene captures a classroom setting quite well. The teacher is quite the character, isn’t she? That aside, the reluctance of anyone to answer her question despite it being a fairly obvious one was very reminiscent of my own school days and it adds a nice touch of realism to the story.

I mentioned this before, but the detail to clothing is quite clunky. Like, do we really need to know that the group of people behind the incident at Port Island were wearing [jeans and/or combat pants]? It doesn’t really add much. Saying they wore white hoods is much more ominous and paints a smoother picture of the group than describing their entire uniform, in my opinion. To add to my point here, I’d point towards the majority of published fiction. Rarely, if ever, are the full outfits of an individual described in painstaking detail, and if it is, then it’s just to hammer in a point or draw emphasis – the trick of which is using this device sparingly so it doesn’t just become an aside that takes away from what’s currently happening.

Why is Sofue’s dialogue in bold in the third scene? It wasn’t in bold in the first scene.

The portal being inside a girl’s bathroom adds a nice bit of levity to the situation after the dour news that another body has turned up. I wonder who was behind the prank, or if it was a prank at all. It could have likely been an accident on the part of Command.

So her death was faked. Interesting. This entire place is seeming to be to be more and more like Division, which I feel works as a very good parallel. Granted, Divison is more for mortal projects and not sci-fi, but it doesn’t change the secretive nature and power of the organisation. It makes me suspicious of them as an organisation as well, which I think is the intention.

The obstacle of the civilian characters wanting to find out more about Saki’s death whilst Yu knows she’s alive at a facility is a nice one, as it adds to the realism of the world. There are other characters who don’t have all the knowledge, and how this clashes with the characters that do have the knowledge works decently well. By playing along, he’s able to subtly find out more information about the situation without arousing suspicion.

The ending was rather creepy, and Teddie seems rather twisted. He’s an interesting one to watch for me, but we’ll see where this goes. It does get a bit hard to keep track of everyone, especially the lesser characters, but he’s distinct enough that he stands out in the crowd.

Overall, a good chapter.

-Ciao Mate
Nightmare Prince chapter 1 . 3/14/2019
Hullo xD

Fandom blind, but will do my best. Apologies in advance.

The first scene initially captured me with the burst of action, but the stylistic choice to describe their clothing and gear just detracted from the overall piece. It reads as filler and just took away from the action, in my opinion. Overall, it was a nice scene, but could use some trimming on the fluff.

I like the balance struck in the latter sequence because it shows the organisation’s two-folded nature. They seem to operate within the shadows which makes sense for a covert task force, but this is balanced against the fact that they also seem somewhat nefarious. The shadowy organisations generally are simply by virtue of being shadowy, so I suppose only time and further reading will be able to tell whether or not they are actually duplicitous. The supernatural factor of the whole affair – that being, the spikes in paranormal activity, do draw me in.

I feel the formatting is jarring. The brackets/bold/italics just detract and make it displeasing to the eye, especially when all used in conjunction. Usually less is more with statement formatting.

Saki strikes me as a somewhat Enchantress-type character with her dual forms. Having a dark version combatant with her light version is nicely shown through her dialogue and communication, and it’s very much a representation of the devil on one shoulder, angel on the other, but cutting out the middleman.

Overall, it’s a nice introductory chapter that establishes the stakes and sets the plot into motion. I look forward to reading more.
Legendary Biologist chapter 5 . 1/2/2019
Hi again! Actually, I have ever had a few SMT games (Demikids for GBA and recently Dx2 for Android) and checked the series' wikia as I play the game, so I'm not that blind to the more video game-y stuff when it comes to Persona series.

Plot

As said above, yeah, the scene with Igor really brings me back to the game, with all the Personas, wild cards and stuff... While SMT and Persona are two different verses and have far different system, it's still nice to know that both are fairly similar in a way, and you explain the Persona system in detail. I have yet to see a Persona in your story, but having known a bit of the verse, I'm glad that it's finally brought up. It hints a big adventure/fight in the near future!

Nice GitS reference! It's a shame that FFnet is all text, but imagining how they get tested in the Shooting Range is a fun one.

The last part is my favorite. The adventure finally begins, and before that, we have...err, classic RPG "received healing items" moments. XD With the mentions of many Shadows within the castle and Chie rushing into the castle recklessly, it sure is leading up to one heck of an adventure!

Characters

Yu has my attention the most. As stated in your A/N at the end, he lives a double life: one as a student, one as a secret agent/fighter of sorts. The flashback at the start is a nice one; it shows Yu's past experience as a combatant. With the hard military tone and the details on the guns, it further strengthens the fact that Yu isn't someone to be messed around with; he has survived various skirmishes after all.

I quite like Chie's determination and fiery nature up there. She's so determined to save Yukiko, and that deserves a lot of respects. However, she's quite reckless. Really, rushing into the castle without giving a second thoughts? Leaving behind the boys? D: Looks like she'll end up giving others a hard time.

Style

I won't be harping on about length anymore btw. :P The style part that stands out in this chapter is the "?" moment/the encrypted channel. I have no issue with the parentheses, but the whole section is all bolded, making it quite tiring for the eyes; even worse than full italics section. Just standard narrative will do; besides, the parentheses should be enough to highlight the uniqueness of the scene.

Also, before that, the "message" part is also a bit weird. Usually, messages are written in just quotation marks with italics, with the timestamp below. Center and bold make it seem like the scene is cut off, when actually it's not the moment to move onto the next scene yet.

I guess that's all. Well done!
Legendary Biologist chapter 4 . 12/8/2018
Hi again! It's been a long time!

Lol, Yu and Yosuke always crack me up. First, we have them talk about the TV incident and how the heck they can explain about it to the law enforcers... They have a point about getting killed by getting thrown into TVs. Too much anime lol; it's ironic considering that Persona series does have their own anime. XD Then later the whole issue with the fake weapons... Bad, bad liars!

The MOM sequence is mysterious as always. I feel like MOM and others are our allies because their surveillance may be helpful to understand the world behind the TVs, but they're acting so secretly that they seem quite shady.

The chapter length isn't too long (6k), but the amount of scene shifts can be daunting, along with the sheer amount of characters. For fandom familiar readers, maybe this won't be a big deal, but for the fandom blind one, it is a lot to take in. I think the Another Mayonaka TV Incident part is a good part to end this chapter, but the amount of character is still a problem.

Also, I think I've ever quipped about this but using square brackets for dialogue tags do feel a bit weird. Then the usage of bold to indicate phone dialogue makes things quite jarring. I know this bold usage has always been your style, but again, I feel quite weirded out reading in this format because it's not so nice to the eyes.

The mystery surrounding Yukiko is a very nice thing to follow though. I think she may be in the Mayonaka TV realm, and everybody outside our heroes (Yu, Yosuke, Chie) is pretty much clueless and disregards the issue as "Yukiko is hiding/laying low." Unfortunately, it's a realistic reaction because TV realm thingy...is so, so weird and extraordinary. :P

Well done!
Keyblade Writer of the Dawn chapter 4 . 10/17/2018
Good story so far.

It's interesting to see Yu as a agent, and cool idea for the O-Watch. Wonder how huge the changes will in this universe will be since everything that happening with the many organizations an around.

I also, wonder what the center will think of his next report very much especially MOM, and wonder will Yu tell them about the velvet room?

This was generally interesting to read, and wonder what will happen next.

Thanks good sir, or Madam for writing this story, and I wish you good luck on all your writing projects.
StarAquarius chapter 3 . 12/2/2017
Welcome back, and with a new chapter longing for a review in the game. To be honest, 10k words in one chapter seems way too big to most readers, and it could put them off (however, that is just my opinion). Anyway, let's give this chapter a review, shall we:

So the opening of this chapter picks up from the cliffhanger, where the fight continues, and that the frog shadow's days are numbered. I still think the title cards is a distracting factor. Though it is okay within TV shows and movies, it just doesn't sit right within stories. By adding the location within the opening of the story or to a scene break, it can give readers an idea of where the story is taking place.

Oh, so Yosuke is facing his Shadow counterpart. I find it so weird, but interesting at the same time.
A new Persona is born, and it's name is Jiraiya...nice name reference to the Naruto series. After a scuffle like that, a person with a history of fights can tire very quickly.

Teddie leads them to the entrance and returns them to the real world. That just goes to show that not all Shadows are evil beings.

Chie was so worried about her friends and rants at them. It's always a good thing to know that she cares about them. Though it seems that everything is back to normal, it seems that Yosuke is worried that by exposing himself as a SHADOW agent, he would get disavowed in a heartbeat. Let's hope it won't be the case.

Onto the next scene: Yu gets a message from whom I assume is his father that he's going to be home late and to pick up groceries from the supermarket. Also, nice job on adding on the explanations at the end of the story. Although it might seem unnecessary, it should give some readers ideas what is what. MOM calls him to find out what's going on. Being honest, Yu informs MOM what happened, and surprisingly, she took it well. Seeing this indicated that Yu got himself caught in a mind-trap.

What a mind-trap is when something happens, a person has no idea what would happen, whether it would be good or bad. The only way to get out of the mind trap is to face it head on and prepare for any consequences one is willing to accept.

Yu returns home to keep comfort of his little cousin, which I think is a cute moment, even as the news about the supposed murders are happening. They ate some dinner, cleaned up after themselves, and saved a few for Ryotaro once he returns home.

At the SID, the agents receive their report from Yu and updates the board very quickly.

Okay, since this is a huge chapter as I take a look at it, I'll keep this review short and simple to the point. The pacing on this chapter is at an extremely snail's pace. A chapter of this size can seriously turn off a lot of readers. As I mentioned before, the best way is to scale it down to quicken the pace and improve the flow or you can break it down into two chapters with different titles.

Overall, a good chapter, but the size alone is hard enough for me to keep track of what is happening.

Also, small grammar things:

"Since I can't talk my father..." (I think 'couldn't' is more appropriate.).
The "o" between scarf and its...is that a typo of some sorts?
Biologist chapter 3 . 11/30/2017
*Saw that ffnet messed up with my review's paragraphs so I posted the fix*

Opening
So, we pick up directly from the ending of the previous chapter. That's nice, because we've been at a climactic battle between Yu and a Shadow... I do feel like the fight is a tad lacking, though. I'd suggest using a more specific wording for the descriptions (e.g. [lightning-like attack] feels unspecific; maybe you can just go with [a bolt of lightning] or something).

Plot/Pacing
I really like how you give more explanation about a Shadow, such as how a Shadow can kill its host. If the host is weak, he or she is basically dead. Also, we're still at the mystery about Saki... Is she killed or not?
The pacing slows down in the next few scenes. The heroes are going back. It's a nice break from the fight earlier. Also, I like the mention of Yu not wanting to expose his identity as a SHADOW agent. It reminds me of some superhero tropes; an ordinary guy during idle moments, a superhero when called.
The best thing in this chapter is how you advance the plot while things are rather SoL-ish. Perhaps Yu is watching TV, but the news is about Saki's death. Then after doing his homework, he writes the report for SID, which further advances the plot about Saki's mystery. The greatest reveal? Decoy corpse! Now, where has the real Saki gone? Interesting!
And you quickly answer that question: Saki is not dead; she's stuck in another dimension. Then people start working on further investigating this case, including summoning a demon to check her mind... Should be interesting!
A bit sad that the investigation is pretty brief (I first expected it to be a journey inside one's mind; something like a labyrinth), but at least, there's more plot advancement. It keeps me guessing; right now, I'm speculating that her "deep-rooted issues" are playing a major role in causing the problem.
The flashback is a bit of a downer. Maybe it's because I'm already tired as I reach it (length issue). But perhaps, what causes the problem is going too specific when describing the cars and giving too much information about it. Also, along with the gun terms and the character's nationality, this makes the fight hard to follow. The debriefing scene later is also pretty hard to follow because there are too many factions introduced at once. The set-up before the debriefing is pretty well done, though; the message for Yu makes me wonder if there's something horribly wrong at Okina...
Although the later part seems to repeat about Saki's death, I like the fact that we get to see a glimpse about Saki's life. She's perhaps a victim of bullying inside and outside school. Then her mother died when she was young... She sure has a lot of personal issues.

Writing
Hmm, the Japanese names about the fish are a tad distracting. I'd suggest just go with the English without using any translations (Tuna, Salmon, Yellow Tail, Horse Mackerel) in the narrative so that the narrative will look cleaner.
Another suggestion is perhaps the bolded speech in brackets. Bolded text tends to be more tiring for the eyes, and brackets...are just not that good for aesthetics. Just the standard dialogue style is good enough, even if it's to portray the "special" thing going on in the dialogue.
This is certainly just a personal preference, but it's very tiring to read an almost 10k words chapter. You have to know that: 1. FFnet doesn't have bookmark feature, making it hard to trudge through a long chapter, 2. Some people are busy and can only read during short breaks. Without a bookmark feature, it'll be very troublesome when they come back to read again. Not to mention that they may have forgotten the early parts when they return. Try to split a big chapter into several chapters.

Ending
I feel like the ending of this chapter is pretty weak; one of the causes is the length issue. Another cause is the introduction of Igor and Margaret. The way you introduce them is like as though the readers already know the fandom (barely any information about them while Yu already know them). Another thing is the Velvet Room. [explain the rules of the Velvet Room] can use more elaboration, although...well, I'm afraid that readers are already too tired by the time they reach the last part. :(

Sorry if I come across as negative. I'm afraid that I'm pretty biased when it comes to reviewing long chapters (busy and tiring RL). I really hope that you can tone down the chapter length in the future.
Legendary Biologist chapter 3 . 11/30/2017
Hi again!

Opening
So, we pick up directly from the ending of the previous chapter. That's

nice, because we've been at a climactic battle between Yu and a Shadow... I

do feel like the fight is a tad lacking, though. I'd suggest using a more

specific wording for the descriptions (e.g. [lightning-like attack] feels

unspecific; maybe you can just go with [a bolt of lightning] or something).

Plot/Pacing
I really like how you give more explanation about a Shadow, such as how a

Shadow can kill its host. If the host is weak, he or she is basically dead.

Also, we're still at the mystery about Saki... Is she killed or not?
The pacing slows down in the next few scenes. The heroes are going back.

It's a nice break from the fight earlier. Also, I like the mention of Yu

not wanting to expose his identity as a SHADOW agent. It reminds me of some

superhero tropes; an ordinary guy during idle moments, a superhero when

called.
The best thing in this chapter is how you advance the plot while things are

rather SoL-ish. Perhaps Yu is watching TV, but the news is about Saki's

death. Then after doing his homework, he writes the report for SID, which

further advances the plot about Saki's mystery. The greatest reveal? Decoy

corpse! Now, where has the real Saki gone? Interesting!
And you quickly answer that question: Saki is not dead; she's stuck in

another dimension. Then people start working on further investigating this

case, including summoning a demon to check her mind... Should be

interesting!
A bit sad that the investigation is pretty brief (I first expected it to be

a journey inside one's mind; something like a labyrinth), but at least,

there's more plot advancement. It keeps me guessing; right now, I'm

speculating that her "deep-rooted issues" are playing a major role in

causing the problem.
The flashback is a bit of a downer. Maybe it's because I'm already tired as

I reach it (length issue). But perhaps, what causes the problem is going

too specific when describing the cars and giving too much information about

it. Also, along with the gun terms and the character's nationality, this

makes the fight hard to follow. The debriefing scene later is also pretty

hard to follow because there are too many factions introduced at once. The

set-up before the debriefing is pretty well done, though; the message for

Yu makes me wonder if there's something horribly wrong at Okina...
Although the later part seems to repeat about Saki's death, I like the fact that we get to see a glimpse about Saki's life. She's perhaps a victim of bullying inside and outside school. Then her mother died when she was young... She sure has a lot of personal issues.

Writing
Hmm, the Japanese names about the fish are a tad distracting. I'd suggest

just go with the English without using any translations (Tuna, Salmon,

Yellow Tail, Horse Mackerel) in the narrative so that the narrative will

look cleaner.
Another suggestion is perhaps the bolded speech in brackets. Bolded text

tends to be more tiring for the eyes, and brackets...are just not that good

for aesthetics. Just the standard dialogue style is good enough, even if

it's to portray the "special" thing going on in the dialogue.
This is certainly just a personal preference, but it's very tiring to read an almost 10k words chapter. You have to know that: 1. FFnet doesn't have bookmark feature, making it hard to trudge through a long chapter, 2. Some people are busy and can only read during short breaks. Without a bookmark feature, it'll be very troublesome when they come back to read again. Not to mention that they may have forgotten the early parts when they return. Try to split a big chapter into several chapters.

Ending
I feel like the ending of this chapter is pretty weak; one of the causes is the length issue. Another cause is the introduction of Igor and Margaret. The way you introduce them is like as though the readers already know the fandom (barely any information about them while Yu already know them). Another thing is the Velvet Room. [explain the rules of the Velvet Room] can use more elaboration, although...well, I'm afraid that readers are already too tired by the time they reach the last part. :(

Sorry if I come across as negative. I'm afraid that I'm pretty biased when it comes to reviewing long chapters (busy and tiring RL). I really hope that you can tone down the chapter length in the future.
elvenjade22 chapter 2 . 9/30/2017
Back for chapter 2!

I like that we're starting out back with Yu again, in his seemingly-normal life as a somewhat bored student. He seems to be taking it easy and enjoying the fact that not much is happening - but judging by the next section, that's not going to last long. Something's definitely going on, and I suspect Yu will be called back into work before long.

It took me a moment to remember that Saki was the girl Yu rescued in the first chapter, but when I did I was a little surprised to hear the principal say she had passed away. Last I knew she was still alive, but perhaps that's still being kept a secret.

One thing I've been noticing is that you use the passive voice quite a lot ("Chie was seen catching up to Yosuke…"). It's okay occasionally and in certain contexts, but in general using a more active voice ("Yu saw Chie catching up…" or "Chie caught up to…") makes for a stronger and more dynamic writing style. Just something to consider.

And now Yu has officially been called back in - by means of a rather awkwardly placed portal. At least now we know for sure that Saki isn't dead, but she is in pretty bad shape. We also know why the police reported her as dead - that was a nice twist that the SHADOW agents set that up as a false lead to keep the truth from getting out.

Having Chie and Yosuke so desperate to find out more about Saki's "death" puts Yu in an awkward position, but it's good he goes along with them to keep them from getting into too much trouble...and it gives Yu a chance to look into what might have happened to Saki in the alternate world, too.

Teddie's back! I find him even more disturbing now that they've just zipped off his head to find nothing inside. (One little correction - instead of Teddie being on the "urge of crying" it should be on the "verge of crying.") Teddie leads them to the alternate-reality version of Saki's family's liquor store, and things start getting even stranger - the mysterious voices shouting insults are reminiscent of Saki's shadow from the previous chapter. But this time it's Yosuke's shadow instead. Yu jumps into action using the same fighting technique from before, and it looks like the Shadow is down...but is it really? Nice cliffhanger ending.

Nicely done again!
elvenjade22 chapter 1 . 9/23/2017
Hello! Reviewing fandom-blind, but I'll do my best.

The opening is definitely dynamic. Action is always a great introduction to a story, though I was a little uncertain as to how this scene related to the rest of the chapter - quite possibly something fandom-specific that I'm not clear on or something that will tie into later chapters.

I started to connect with the story the most when Yu was introduced - I think he's easily the most relatable character, sort of a reluctant hero type, irritated that his vacation has been cut short. I found the formatting a little unusual, with the bold text and brackets around the dialogue. My guess is that the brackets are used to indicate speech through a phone or headset (later sections seem to follow that pattern as well) but I do think it would be less distracting to leave them out, since it's already clear from your description that he's speaking on the phone.

The pace is picking up nicely as Yu finds out more details of his mission and looks for a way into the police station. It took me a moment to figure out what was going on in the room with the TV - when I first read that the girl was "being pushed into the TV" I assumed she was just being shoved up against it, rather than literally being pushed through the screen. I suppose that definitely qualifies as "paranormal" activity, though! Despite his best efforts, Yu ends up being shoved inside as well, and finds himself in some sort of alternate dimension, staring down a bear mascot (which I find bizarrely creepy, by the way...definitely a good introduction to the strangeness of this other world).

The conversation between Saki and her other self was very effective, and quite disturbing. I thought the fight scene was very strong as well, though I would have liked to have seen it less broken up by the scenes from The Center - it made me want to skim over the Center scenes to get back to the action, so any important details in those scenes probably didn't sink in as well as they should.

Yu successfully completes his mission, brings back the girl, and hands her off to the rest of the team. This is kind of a random and picky critique, but something about the last line bothers me, because it doesn't feel like an ending. I think it's the very last phrase, "since it fell down when he fought the shadow." It feels like an unnecessary bit of information tacked on the end, and I think it would be much stronger to just end with …"to cover his head again."

Well done overall - a few minor issues that could be improved, but a very engaging story!
StarAquarius chapter 2 . 9/21/2017
Hello. Back again for Reverse Tag, so here we go.

First Praise: the first scene starts off with Yu in history class, looking bored and needed something to entertain. Most readers would relate to him regarding school for it can be tedious, especially when getting around in college.

The next scene shifts to MOM inside the briefing. A nice, but short description of the briefing room: looks like an ordinary classroom that one would see in a collegeyes. Quaint, but effective considering it is located in a secret base.

So the energy spikes from paranormal activity has risen since Ch. 1. And from the looks of it, that doesn't sound good. Not only that, it seems that some old enemies are trying to make a comeback. Let's hope that they will be dealt with, or else there would be trouble.

Back to the school where everyone is gathered at the gym to hear the news regarding a certain classmate. Though most of students believe that she is dead, Yu keeps his cool as he knows what really happened according to the previous chapter.

Yu is once again called in by the agency, only to learn that Saki has taken a turn for the worse since being in that other world from the previous chapter. I hope they will figure something out, although I am impressed on making a false lead to have everyone believe that she is dead.

Wait, Yosuke wants to go down to June's so that he caneeds find out more about the "death" of Saki, and that he wants Yu and Chie to come with him? I'm surprised that Yu agreed, as long as he doesn't expose himself as an agent.

I can't believe Yosuke wants to play Indiana Jones in to do a simple recon. It gives me a bad feeling that he's going to regret it. At least Yu is there to keep watch on him in case something happens.

Okay, glad to see Teddie, but he is so full of himself, honestly. However, he plays a major role and he needs Yu and Yosuke's help as to who kept shoving people in his world.

Uh-oh, looks like trouble is stirring Yu, Yosuke, and Teddie as more Shadows appear, and a short fight scene to end with a cliffhanger.

Criticism: Once again, the title cards are there to help readers get an idea of where each scene is taking place, as well as the months and all, but I still see them as a distraction (only my honest opinion). A good suggestion is to add the location within the paragraphsame and leave the rest ambiguous. It would give readers a guess as to where each scene is taking place.

Looks like there's a misspelled around this: "M" What's the...". Not sure if you noticed it, but a good quick read can help spot those mistakes.

On the one part where Mark makes his dialogue and shows his frustrated, the readers would know that he is frustrated, but they want to feel the same way he does when hearing about the Templars trying to find info regarding the Kirijo Group doing some funny experience.

This chapter might be lacking with emotion, for it is the most vital part of the story. The readers would want to feel how the characters feel. It would draw them in more often and invest into the story.

Found another misspelling on the word "eyebrow" when Chie asked Yosuke what he was going when they arrive at June's.

Final Praise: Once again, this chapter is an interesting one. Although I do feel sorry for Yosuke that his fake Shadow told him things that may be considered a lie. Of course, denial is one of the many things before reaching acceptance. Not only that, Yu has to fight another Shadow to keep his friend safe.

I suspected that Yosuke was going to regret coming inside that TV, and it turns out I was right. Let's hope that the next chapter comes out with Yu as the victor. Well done.
Legendary Biologist chapter 2 . 9/21/2017
Hi again!

The beginning gives quite a lot of information. It's a rather casual scene in a classroom, but it's a good reminder that our protagonist, Yu, is still a student, not just a secret agent. Kinda reminds me of some superheroes because they have two identities (a casual guy/a superhero). Also, it's nice to see Yu thinking of taking a break before getting called again.

As for suggestions, there are times you use slash for objects in the narrative (e.g. [index/middle fingers]), which bothers the flow a bit. I'd suggest use "or" or "and" instead, so that the narrative will look better.

Also, I also feel like the huge amount of characters/information becomes a bit overwhelming. Like on the second scene, I identify MOM because she's clearly a level-headed leader of the SHADOW group, but the rest of the members...is rather hard to identify. Such as the agents. Because they just make a brief appearance, I don't think it's necessary to describe their appearance (Caucasian, crewcut brown hair, etc). Simply call them a male/female agent will do. It'll help reduce the information overload.

Things get really interesting when Saki's name is mentioned. She can't possibly be dead, and I like the reveal that this news is a false lead created by MOM. It further adds to the fact that MOM is a pragmatic leader who will do anything, good or bad, to resolve a problem.

On a sidenote, I got a good chuckle when the portal turns out to be inside the female toilet! At least, nobody's there, so Yu can sneak in without a problem.

Another suggestion is avoid using Japanese in a dialogue. Like ["Baka Yosuke"]. For those who often watch animes, it's no big deal, but for those who don't it can be a problem because they're unlikely to know what it means. Better just go with English, maybe: "Yosuke, you idiot!" or something.

Hmm, it seems like Twisted Shopping District is a bit like a haunted place or something. Back then, I recall that Saki's Shadow appears at that place. Now, Yosuke's, too? It's kinda creepy when Saki's voice tells Yosuke that he's a pain in the ass and causes him to be overwhelmed by negative emotions, which are FOOD for Shadows.

And then, we end in the middle of an action. :P Nice way to end the chapter.

Well done.
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