|Reviews for White Rose|
| kffs chapter 1 . 11/19/2013
Read this years ago on another site, and always thought it was one of the best fics I'd read.
Best of luck with whatever you're up to now, and thanks for writing!
| shugokage chapter 18 . 9/23/2013
Absolutely incredible chapter and story and I was very impressive by the detailed and interesting perspective that you created!
| lordgosaiyahoo chapter 11 . 9/22/2012
You know, I kinda wonder how far Happosai fell in terms of power after his encounter with Kodachi. Before besting Soun and Genma at the same time was something he could do between panels in the comic. An effortless thing. Now seeing both of his pupils ready to attack has him sweating bullets...
But, if he was really trying to adapt to his situation he'd still be able to at least handle those two, although I doubt he'd ever be able to pose a threat to Cologne in his condition.
If he carried a few of his 'silky treasures' on his person, then during fights he could draw out some of the ki in them to keep a minimal amount in his system. Add to it his 'Art of the Hermit Crab' and he can suddenly be hiding in and under anything around him for shelter, striking an opponent from surprising angles. These two tactics combined would surely allow him to at least retain a place as a mid-tier power in terms of characters.
Add in some of his more eclectic, and less ki intensive techniques (Moxibustion of Ultimate Weakness, Happo Dai Karin/Fire Burst) and he's got enough firepower to remain a serious inconvenience to the characters and enough of a grudge to really let loose on them.
It would also mean Cologne would have to teach Ranma a different move to recover the manuscript from Happi with the cure for the Moxibustion point.
Just a few odd thoughts I wanted to get off my chest.
| The Other White Meat chapter 18 . 8/31/2009
Thanks for taking two years to write this. I definitely love this fic.
| Merme chapter 18 . 8/21/2009
That was awesome, I loved it! :)
| shadowzahejihoggu chapter 11 . 5/24/2009
Hi great chapter I just had a question. Since Kuno used heaven and earth cut on a ghost and it was gone does that mean he destroyed it soul and existence over a big misunderstanding and how come there is no first blood shock over a nonleathal confrontation.
| Ganheim chapter 18 . 4/27/2009
Chapter 16: Karma, Love, and Other Four-Letter Words
You didn't wait for trouble to come to you, you went looking for some that was already happening to someone else.
[Not something I’d recommend, but hey…]
He gave a snort that rattled the windowpanes,
[There aren’t many in the NWC who could do that, but Genma could if any]
The string of pronouns was the best he could manage.
[Truly a Saotome specialty]
[Interrogative missing its question mark]
Goodnight kiss will be when you come to my room tonight, tell me to sleep well, tuck me in, and leave to have X-rated dreams of Shampoo."
Ranma blinked. "Whoah... I think I just felt a crack in this 'Soul of Ice' thing."
"Heir to school of Martial Arts Papercuts,
[Feared by every teacher, student, and office worker]
even though the post office had apparently performed their duties with the speed of greased lightning,
[I have to laugh at any sentence that combines ‘post office’ with ‘greased lightning’]
Letting out a sigh of relief, he half-turned back to face his son and future daughters-in-law. Behind him, the door blew out of its frame, disappearing into a cloud of splinters.
[Instant classic turn-of-fate]
"Well, stepmother-to-be," Yokehi amended.
"And what does _he_ say about that?" the pigtailed teen demanded,
[If irony could kill…]
"It's a really powerful artifact with a cool name like the Orb of Amalthea, and she still calls it her old night-light. Weird."
[True, but appropriately comical]
whether as new members or just as allies. Shampoo hadn't ever really thought of Akane in those terms before, but times change.
[It’s also something I wouldn’t have thought of before “Most Unlikely of Friends”, but now I see that there’s quite a few openings for it and this _is_ a good one]
Okay, hands up everybody in the room who's fought a dragon and lived!" Akane's own hand shot ruthlessly skyward. "What, I'm the only one? Gee, how about that."
[How very true to her character. Not just the arrogance, but the tinge of earned pride]
The Jade Blossom didn't serve okonomiyaki, after all.
[I’m not sure if this is sarcasm or not as it’s not within dialog, but Ukyo’s made several non-Okonomiyaki dishes before and I’m pretty sure that the twins would be aware she’s capable of eating something other than her signature specialty]
[If you’re going to capitalize one, ‘might as well capitalize the other]
THAT was the sound of her mind skipping like a CD in an earthquake,
[I was thinking something more along the lines of a vinyl record, but it’s the same point]
Chapter 17: The Search is Over
there’s just too good a chance that metaharmonic resonance will occur, and when that happens you can throw all predictability right out the window.”
[It just wouldn’t do for everybody to be teleported to the Rugnika Plains]
Rouge observed, casting a faint illumination onto the clock. The resultant light level in the room was a good bit darker than the unnatural starlight that they had witnessed four hours earlier, but it was still enough to make out the dazed expressions on the faces of Ranma and Ryu, and the all-too-innocent expressions on the faces of Shampoo, Ling-Ling, and Lung-Lung.
[How did I see that coming…funny though it still is]
“Let’s move out... Ryoga, South is this way.”
[Something like that _had_ to happen]
Nodoka clamped down on her flusterment,
and avail herself of water from the spring that caused one to become two.
[Wouldn’t the spring of drowned twins require her to have a real, flesh-and-blood body? Granted, the ghost might not consider this]
“I’m sure one kidnapping is the maximum for any one life,”
[I’m sure that Akane would argue that]
*Read Quantum Destinies, too. That’s where the term samurai-ko comes from. And no, I’m not going to explain what it means. You have to check out that story to find out. I cannot think that anyone who has liked White Rose enough to stick with it this far would not enjoy Quantum Destinies greatly as well.
“What is it?” he joked. “A scroll of remove curse?”
[It’s the plausibility of that option that makes it _really_ funny]
That was a very surprising story that gave a pretty fair spread of action to the entire cast (I was surprised how you even turned the anime-only cameos Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung into significant characters), repeatedly drawing back in characters like Akane and Genma when you could have easily left them forgotten to the side. Excellent characterization, pacing, and writing overall.
| Ganheim chapter 16 . 4/27/2009
Chapter 13: Homeward and Beyond
up to kidnap charges.
but I’d still rather not have it spread all over Furinkan that Amazon laws
[I’m surprised Akane hasn’t said anything before this. She does later, I was just expecting it by now]
“Look! A hundred yen coin!”
[I’m surprised this insult/feint would have even been enough to faze Ranma as long as he’s been spending with Kodachi]
then, as if on some signal apparent only to the two of them, each shot forward in an attack.
after all it was a martial artist’s duty to protect the weak; she wasn’t supposed to need protecting herself
[Sounds true enough to canon, and most of human nature]
“Poor, feeble old woman?” he asked, shading his eyes theatrically with one hand and peering hither, thither, and yon. “Where?” The Matriarch laughed appreciatively.
It cleared a moment later, to reveal a striking woman of indeterminate age. She seemed to be in her early thirties, with bright green eyes and brown hair with burnt orange highlights.
[Short and clear introduction of ‘Aunt Rouge’]
and eyes about the same color as Kodachi’s.
[Although being told that they’re purple would’ve been a nice reminder, because I keep thinking ‘Kodachi’s born albino in this story, so she’d have pink eyes’]
No rewriting history allowed.”
[Though in its anime introduction, Ranma and Genma _did_ successfully cure themselves…if only for a brief period before Happosai came along to return things to screwed-up state]
when word got back of her first failure with Tatewaki, the main response among the other Amazons had been a sort of satisfied consensus that the high-and-mighty Shampoo had had it coming.
[White a barbed possibility]
“So much for having to use magic to find the Spring of Drowned Man if the guide wasn’t here.”
“Well, locating the map amounted to the same thing,” Rouge said. “You have no idea how cluttered that place is.”
He had SPOKEN, not squealed or roared or chirped or barked.
[…but through the body of a small child. Ha!]
but Shampoo’s had darkened to a deep burgundy shade.
[So it takes a shade like Lung-Lung’s?]
Both of them were standing several inches taller, much more obviously muscular, and both of them were undeniably male.
[I’d figured that they’d stood just slightly too close and gotten splashed]
“Leave us all pretty much human an’ the right sex too?”
[Spring of drowned virtuous…oh. Guess not. Besides, that would be complicating even if it didn’t carry gender change]
Chapter 14: Summer Days
I ran into this guy who fought with Martial Arts Philosophy.
[What’s that, you confuse your opponent into submission? “Victory is just an illusion!”]
Ichiro was a man in his early thirties,
[If Ryouga is past 15, I’d think that Ichiro would have to be past his mid 30s at the earliest, unless he was only 15 when he sired Ryouga]
Shampoo protested. “I wonder if maybe we bring strange stuff with us.”
[It’s entirely possible]
for some great entertainment!
[Missing closing dialog marks]
Kuno pride said Amazon pride needed a good swift kick in the pantsuit.
What color hair and eyes did this girl have?”
“Light green hair with faint gold highlights, and dark blue eyes.
[I’m not certain about how much a threat the amazons would be, but the caution isn’t unwarranted]
They can stay or go. In fact, we have some foreign contacts from when things like this have happened, families who supply information and can lend shelter to any of the tribe who have business in their lands. That’s why nobody minds if an outsider man takes an Amazon bride away.
[A logical progression]
feeling increasingly more foolish,
[Repetition with both ‘increasingly’ and ‘more’, both do the same job]
Edelweiss, who didn’t know a warp from a weft, and couldn’t tell a cross-stitch from a cardigan, just shrugged.
[Simple response, but still appreciative]
Then, he dropped to one knee, leaning forward and slamming the palm of his hand forward into the ground with a cry of “EARTH SLASH!”
[That’s derived from the most useless technique? I wouldn’t have thought that he thought so little of the Bakusai Tenketsu]
Ranma groaned and grinned at the same time.
[That sounds difficult]
The statue of Hippolyta was indirectly inspired by the fic “Thicker than Water” by Eric Hallstrom, though he had her as an actual ancestress of the Amazon tribe (at least, the stirrup-cup of Hippolyta was one of their sacred treasures).
[That made more sense than the powered armor statue, which I’m still trying to understand]
Chapter 15: Growing Pains
the door leading into this room had swung open, someone passed through it. This was the standard operating procedure.
[As opposed to somebody walking through it and _then_ the door swinging open. Although, this is Nerima, that does happen…]
Kuno gave him a frankly incredulous look. “You hurried back to Nerima in order to find respite from bizarre events?”
“I discovered that I’m really the long-lost heiress to a magical kingdom of wisdom and truth, with powers far beyond mortal ken!” Ukyo proclaimed, surrounding herself with a golden corona of arcane force.
“Nice battle aura,” Tatewaki said with a laugh. “Seriously, did anything else crazy happen?”
“Was it a mighty battle in which the noble warrior struggled fiercely and long, triumphing over his foes at last to rescue the fair damsel in distress?” Kodachi asked. “Or did you just blast them with something of Father’s?”
“You’re never going to let me forget that time, are you?”
If it were otherwise, you don’t think he would have brought Mother along with him, now do you?”
[Okay, the weird aside was amusing, but I thought it was a little longer than the succinct interjection that I though would’ve been fitting]
“Rub it it,
“You’re staying with your parents in that apartment now, not at the Kuno mansion.”
[They’re not staying at the Hibiki home? Did something happen to it? I do remember that you mentioned Ryouga stopping by there]
“I blew the whole thing on a depleted-uranium battle umbrella.”
[The thing that makes that even more funny is that, for Nerima, that’s actually a relatively sensible purchase]
A handome young man
They hadn’t really intended to approach the counter, but suddenly the Brownian motion of the crowd had swept them there anyway.
[Ah, the complications caused by the crowd]
It is said that fortune favors the bold. It is also well-known that there exists such a thing as dumb luck. So it would stand to reason that those both bold AND dumb might well have more than their fair share of good fortune, although it might all be used up in simply keeping them alive through the situations into which the aforementioned traits would lead them.
But the way Ryoga honey had
[I know she says it in her spoken dialog, but while I’ve seen ‘kun’ and ‘chan’ suffixes enough in narrative that I think it makes sense, it still looks odd to see the ‘honey’ honorific replacement in narrative]
No wonder business had been sparse so far this morning.
[Based on the surrounding narrative, I think that this is spoken dialog, but there’s no punctuation to mark it as such]
The kendoist was the one whose family had always been stable and functional.
[I know this is true in this story, but still…the irony…]
‘I have taken Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung to Chuushinteki Park for training
[As soon as I saw this I thought there was a possibility of them smacking her]
“Well, if you’re gonna be _reasonable_ about it...” Ranma grumbled.
“After all, what are ridiculously wealthy friends for?”
“BAKKUSAI TENKETSU KIREKUZU!” The bandana flew from his fingers, glowing with the energy he’d infused. It struck the ground a few feet from Ryu... and the chi dispersed, and the breaking points were triggered, and the explosion blew Ryu completely off his feet.
[Even good as this is, there’s something just…oddly amusing about Ranma using the Bakusai Tenketsu on a Ryouga]
Kikotsu Bakuha: roughly translates to ‘determined soul’s blast’ (I hope)
Kirekuzu (from Bakkusai Tenketsu Kirekuzu): scraps of cloth
[Close enough for me]
| Ganheim chapter 12 . 4/27/2009
Chapter 10: Roses and Thorns
knockout, isn’t she.”
[Interrogative missing its question mark]
We’re looking for a friend of ours. Her name’s Lina Inverse.
“My reality check bounced,” he complained.
[I don’t believe I understand the point of that bit]
“Well, the hardest was to ‘oppose the Rakshasa.’ They’re, er, they WERE a race of evil-spirit-type things with a lot of dangerous powers. They really got off on torturing and slaughtering anybody weaker than themselves. What’s worse is they could change their shapes, and were really, really cunning. They liked to get into positions of power and then try and stir up war.”
[Interesting cameo use of mythological construct]
his eventual effortless defeat had been one of the Black Rose’s main reasons for setting things up so that she’d end up a living chi-battery.)
[I would’ve forgotten about that, thinking from her perspective then. I wouldn’t have figured he’d be enough of a nuisance for her to take him into account]
“Right you are, Nabiki. Let’s go.”
[Seeing Soun’s speech pattern spoken by Akane was so…odd, and yet understandable]
I knew better than to say something like that out loud, but can’t I even THINK it?’
[Apparently not, amusingly enough]
The ghost in question floated higher into the air, coiling up on top of a tree and conjuring up a bucket of popcorn.
option 3: run
[Funny though this is, shouldn’t its punctuation be the same as the prior two (using a curved bracket)?]
and withdrew the Orb of Amalthea.
[Clever re-introduction of the device, now it has a much stronger purpose/rooting in the story]
At any second he expected to be blown away like a gnat in the flame of a blowtorch, but somehow that second never came. The tempest roared past him, yet left him untouched.
“Well, you know that just about everything in nature radiates chi, but different types of it? And it’s not all neat and tidy, either, the different kinds of chi sort of cling together in graduated layers, but not parallel or nothin’. Think of a deck of cards that’s been dropped on the floor, then picked up and just kinda haphazardly shoved back together. That’s what the different layers of chi are like, especially in the air above us. There’s wind-based chi, and chi from sunlight, and rain, and residual from lightning even if there hasn’t been a thunderstorm in a while, and some other kinds too. Heaven and Earth Cut works by channeling your own life energy into a sword, drawing chi up from the earth into it, then jumping up and using the charge you’ve already collected to force the different planes of chi in the air to line up. Like if the cards suddenly straightened out into a neat and tidy deck again. Pulling them into a more efficient form frees up a HUGE amount of power, which comes trailing back after you as you come down from the jump. It explodes out through your sword or whatever as soon as the tip touches the ground again. Because you’re still focusing your own strength into the sword, you can direct the energy, change it to a form that won’t harm inanimate objects, an’ also make sure it doesn’t hurt anybody you don’t want it to hurt. But whoever takes the full force of the attack is basically not coming back.”
[Actually, that’s a pretty good explanation]
Chapter 11: Cherry Blossom Blues
If denial won’t work, use some other method.
[That _is_ Ranma]
“At least one of us won’t be so busy staring into the light that he forgets what kind of stuff hides in the darkness.”
[Sounds like an eerily appropriate line]
His higher-order thought processes, which had just begun to come on-line, shut right back down.
Especially he was incapable of looking away.
[_since_ he was incapable?]
“Hey, Dachi-chan, wake up. You’re in my bed, and I can’t sleep.”
[I have to admit, I half expected him to do this]
Magical sleep is a lot safer than using drugs, after all.
[There’s something funny about that coming from Kodachi]
“No suppose father has ward what cure headache?”
“I’m afraid not. Why were you banging your head against that wall anyway?”
When I see her again,” suddenly Shampoo’s expression twisted into maniacal rage, “I BEAT HER TO DEATH WITH OWN LEG! She could have tell me truth long ago and I ECSTATIC to give Mousse to her!
[This whole speech bit with Shampoo about her cousin was hilarious]
Shampoo brightened as an idea occurred to her. Kodachi smiled as a thought struck her mind. Ranma smacked his fist into his palm and gave a cocky grin.
[And Nerima quakes…]
He was looking a lot less angry now. Complete confusion does tend to have that effect.
before the anaesthetic
Twisting in ways that made several onlookers wonder if this kid’s skeleton was made of rubber, he shifted in midair from perpendicular to parallel with the street below him. Kicking out against a nearby wall bought him enough velocity to shoot backward out of immediate danger.
Only an adroit zig by Ling-Ling, counterpointed with a timely zag by Ranma,
[…and a lot of laughter from the audience]
“I thought you guys left.”
“So Ranma make mistake. Happen to best of us,” Lung-Lung said.
[Instant classic line]
[Even more with this following]
“Actually, I’m pretty sure more than a minute passed between the kisses, so, yeah, you’re wrong,” Ranma retorted.
[How comically odd]
he hissed, too angry to bother with the fact that it’s supposed to be impossible to hiss a sentence without an ‘s’ in it.
like I was really fighting dirty today.
[_that_ day? Or ‘I _am_’? Otherwise the tense doesn’t agree]
I use Paired Weapons Golden Bird Holy Flower Dragon Tooth Glory Strike to break shadow shield
[Could that possibly be any longer?]
“We’d better not see either of you again.
[He just mentions the name of the girls they’re looking for, and she doesn’t ask ‘what do you know’?]
That’s where you get serial killers, and genocidal dictators, and telephone solicitors.”
[Funny, in a dark way]
the darkness started... moving around me.
[Reminds me of an old saying: “It is easier for a man to destroy the light inside himself than to defeat the darkness around him.”]
I could be just as dark and nasty as I wanted and never feel a twinge of conscience.
[The regret indicates he didn’t succeed]
Saotome hadn’t meant to hurt me,
[This ‘Kiri’ may not have either – once you reach this stage, good and evil, pain and pleasure become so irrelevant that you cease even identifying them]
To improve myself and to defend the weak.”
[So why is he still fighting a war of pride against Ranma]
cloned from someone that could not have been completely human.
[Somebody named ‘Lucy’…]
I could want things and hope for things and pray that my life wouldn’t always be empty and worthless and spent by others for their goals.
[Interesting idea, but after so long of being trained to be a tool I’d think that she’d have decided, even if initially from lack of options, that she prefers the simplicity of a tool. Similar to above “it is easier to defeat the light inside you than the darkness all around you”]
all I had to do was lie to the people who made me and controlled everything about me for all my life.
[That’s a big conditional]
“I’m nothing. Without someone to protect me and show me how to change, I always will be. It’s how they wanted me, and I didn’t know how to fight it or even to think I should. You’re my only chance,
[I feel those words stirring a plot seed…]
but I not looking forward to end of movie, where it show accidents what happened during filming.”
[But that’s the best part!]
Where were the laser turrets, the biohazard warning signs, the twittering chitters of mutants who’d been created in failed experiments and were now living in the ventilation system?
“Let me just bow down and smack my head against the floor a hundred and eight times in apology.”
[The sarcasm is thick…but fitting]
‘Two is company, and three’s a crowd,’ aren’t you?”
[It’s extremely amusing that they’d say this to Ranma. The irony…]
read ‘Poison’, by Susan Doenime, at
[QuickEdit eats URLs, so though I already knew what ‘burakumin’ meant, there wasn’t an easy lookup here]
if you’ve read A Cold Wind Blows you’re already familiar with the basic premise of the Golden Bird Holy Flower Dragon Tooth Glory Strike (“concentrate all battle aura into weapon for one critical attack”). The Paired Weapons incarnation splits the power between two weapons, which causes it to be less tightly focused and therefore much less powerful. Which means a skilled martial artist is almost sure to survive a hit from it.
[Good use of the idea, if I understand the summary here correctly]
I thought about having one of the conspirators turn out to be the creator of NGE,
[Why not? If you’re going to reach, go all out!]
| Ganheim chapter 10 . 4/27/2009
Chapter 5: Sleight of Hand and Twist of Fate
He got up, and
had returned to.
[Is this supposed to end in an ellipsis?]
How in the world could he
[Was this supposed to be an unvoiced dialog/thought (and italicized/punctuated as such)?]
then bid them good-bye.
the far wall of the dojo exploded. Curiously, the debris halted in midair before it could reach the stunned Akane, then dropped to the ground. A dark figure, wrapped in a crackling shroud of energy, stepped through the hole.
She ran over several people without even noticing.
[As far as it is, I have serious doubts that Nabiki would run over people _without noticing_]
on [expletive deleted] vacations!”
[The bracketed expressions don’t seem to really aid the scene, and while there’s a minor element of humor there this is a serious scene not helped by it. I think either using a random profanity (which would be understandable given the circumstances and character changes) or cutting to just ‘on vacations’ would improve the flow]
“Looks like it wasn’t trapped, after all.”
“Why Ranma do that?” Shampoo asked in a tone like velvet sliding over a knife blade.
[Eerie, very well done]
someone who would recover instantly from whatever trap might have been present?”
[Unless the trap was a ki feedback loop. Ooh, that’s an idea I’ll have to use in one of my future stories…]
to bring the magic of the Eye of Bastet to bear. Her eyes were closed, but instead of darkness or mental imagery she perceived a roiling cloud of amber mist, shot through with the occasional flash of energy. Not knowing what else to do, she sought to move beyond it and find Akane through sheer force of will.
[Sheer force of will ends up messing things up so often…]
She concentrated, ignoring the sensation of some sort of tiredness that she’d never experienced before.
[Sounds appropriately vague and dangerous]
Kodachi still looked as fresh as a newly-bloomed rose.
[I’d think she’d be at least out-of-sorts from having to adjust to draining a new ‘palette’/region of ki]
Just because he COULD walk for eighteen hours straight without taking a break, didn’t mean he wanted to.
[None of us do, particularly as in the real world there’s almost no call for it except ‘training’]
a blade carved from rowan wood
[Unexpected for such a simple weapon to be so effective, yet it feels like it worked pretty well]
Chapter 6: Letting Go
As well ask
[_Might_ as well?]
sifted through the mud and dross that is his father’s example,
[It is strange, isn’t it, how gems can come from such roughs?]
[Given how fleshed out the rest of the narrative has been, I think it would be much more satisfying to read something more like ‘she silently averted her eyes’ or something along those lines]
I’m not getting any younger.” “Or less bald,” remarked Nabiki as she walked past in the hallway.
And I don’t know where I’m going yet.”
[I don’t know if this is her dodging a difficult decision, or a sign that she’s done a lot of growing up]
Zipping around the corner on her rollerblades, Azusa Shiratori came to a sudden stop. “What a cute panda-skin rug!”
[Almost but not quite too much suffering, yet so comical I can’t stop laughing…]
nor had another teacher been revealed as a criminal mastermind trying to recruit kids for a power base.
[Reminds me of oh so many cheesy plots elsewhere]
Fujima was reflecting that the law of averages owed him big-time for this.
[Murphy trumps Averages]
Ukyo spoke in her best impression of a male voice.
[Odd, I didn’t get the impression that Ukyo really tried to pass herself off as a guy when she came to Furinkan. A small change, though, so I guess it’s just a difference in portrayal (I guess she _did_ attend a boy’s Middle School in order to run into Tsubasa]
or at least provide a discount to faculty members, you can run your restaurant outside of school hours.”
[Now _that’s_ modern bureaucratic ‘protection’!]
She could just picture what would happen if someone had overheard that.
The freedom to admit she wasn’t the best felt good.
[Pity canon Akane never made this connection: she could have gone so far if she’d let go of that one little element of pride]
Ranma mentally counted to ten, telling himself it was too early in the day for bloodshed.
It hadn’t been too hard to make the connection. Even with all his earlier wanderings, this was only the second person he’d seen who carried a spatula that big.
[Almost as ironic as her spatula…]
okonomiyaki was a Japanese delicacy, the best in Japan was probably the best in the world by default.
[Now that you’ve pointed it out, I’m almost disappointed somebody didn’t say that in canon]
Ranma had also missed one other element of her mentations entirely,
[He tends to do that even when it’s obvious]
the blackmail had been the first to go,
[Pity, there’s so many opportunities there]
With Principal Fujima being a bachelor,
[It’s an unfair stereotype, but the myth that singles (particularly men) can’t cook is fairly prevalent in the East and West]
fighting a case of the heebie-jeebies.
[I can’t not laugh when I see that]
she chuckled. It sounded remarkably like a large wad of bills being ruffled.
What kind of guy let himself break down and cry like a baby?
[From what I’ve heard, it’s not as uncommon in Japan as in European-based cultures, though it’s still not a standard by any means]
she’d forgotten the guy who’d now saved two members of her family.
[So…wait…that earlier person _wasn’t_ Ukyo?]
I hope none of you thought she ran around in a leotard all the time
[I always thought that was a fanon running gag]
Chapter 7: The Battle of Okonomiyaki and Ramen
their weapons vanishing to wherever it is Amazons hide such things.
“Is what happen with cousin Xiao Yu.”
[I’ll bet there were a lot of those]
I got a good look at her in the shed when I went to try and comfort her afterwards.” Ryoga sighed, unaware of how Kodachi and Ranma had tensed up after that last sentence. “No Adam’s Apple at all.” He missed it when they relaxed again, too.
[Better than 90 percent of the Ryouga-Ukyo fics just right there]
pain that Ranma had caused
One other good reason to have chosen Furinkan-most Japanese schools were in session six days a week.
[Depends, most are 5.5 if I remember correctly. 2-3 weeks a month they have a half-day on Saturday]
of custom today.”
“So you’re just gonna order me to ask her out?”
[Or ‘let’, depending on the subtext you’ve been building up so far]
Had Ranma focused on the Heart Link just then, he would have wondered just why Shampoo was trying not to feel guilty.
[I know _I’m_ wondering about ‘guilt’, when there’s a lot of other emotions I’d expect]
Lung-Lung glared daggers at Ryoga, doing her best to maintain eye contact rather than letting her gaze rove over his tightly-muscled physique.
Lung-Lung began to spin her trident like a drill, her smile fading to a look of intense concentration as the tines spun faster and faster.
caught in the ornamental ironwork curlicues on his makeshift shield.
[Clever move of Ryouga]
preparing to rush forward to glorious defeat.
[Even after having heard their plan, I’m confused]
Monty Python and the Holy Grail was one of his favorite movies.
[I would never have thought to mention this movie in any connection with Kuno, but it does fit in the context of this story]
In one last burst of desperate speed, Ryoga shot through the door of the restaurant. Ukyo frowned at him. “Hey, you jackass, you could have waited for me to unlock it first,
[I half expected it to be already open from her earlier dialog (I thought she was standing at the open entrance), but this is so true to Ryouga and the Ranmaverse]
as if readly to
Chapter 8: In the Name of Love
There’s no such thing as overkill when it comes to you beating him!”
Shampoo inclined her head. “Ranma have point.”
“Why... why are you doing this...?”
[This is a fitting line, but below you indicate that it’s in Mandarin and I was slightly confused not to see it indicated here]
The one doing the observation is changed as well.”
[Interesting (counter)point of Heisenberg’s Principle to utilize]
Chapter 9: The Fortunes of War
“Hurt is not the same thing as harm,
Might-have-beens were by nature less forceful than the immediate present.
[Still pretty good at tripping up the present, though]
“Good things are worth waiting for.” It was a lot easier to say that now that she knew her waiting wouldn’t go unrewarded.
Foreign places owned by anyone of the Joketsuzoku are designated as safe havens for any member of the tribe who needs a place to stay.
[Sounds like a number of other cultures, particularly scattered minorities]
The twins sweated.
[I think that should just be ‘sweat’]
Even Ranma-kun never had three girls after him at the same time.
[Oh, the irony]
He have you beat with ego too.”
“Come on, Shampoo, don’t rag the poor guy... HEY!
“Do you. Do you really.” Mousse found he believed her,
[Despite the certainty in his tone, and whether there’s sardonism there or not, aren’t they still questions?]
The day was preternaturally still-there was no wind at all. The sky was completely devoid of clouds, and the sunlight was almost painfully bright. The fierce light seemed to leave everything with a harder edge than normal.
“Wrong,” Ranma said coldly. “It ends here and now.”
The last sight Mousse saw before the darkness claimed him was a small green bottle, labelled 110.
[Chilling and satisfying, yet still well within Saotome’s character]
| Ganheim chapter 5 . 4/27/2009
Chapter 3: United We Stand
show up there. But Ryoga knew
[Given the flow and link of the ideas in these sentences, I think that combining them (comma instead of period) would help]
Shampoo used an ancient Amazon trick for restoring equilibrium in a fight (which consists of screaming loud and inventive slurs at one’s opponents’ ancestry– it’s amazing how that can clear the mind),
the Bakkusai Tenketsu training
[I believe it’s spelled ‘Bakusai’]
"Ranma, please…” With a visible effort, Ranma pulled
[With his name being the only action in the narrative attached to the dialog, that indicates that it’s his]
Shampoo say no,
[say _so_? I’m slightly confused otherwise]
Three Teenage Thaumaturge Terrorists
"Not in the history of the world?” she asked teasingly.
He considered this. “Well, I don’t think I can match the kinda stuff that goes on in Hollywood.”
you not turn your back
sent two razor-edged sauceriken
[That is an extremely amusing modification of shuriken]
"No. NO! I don’t believe you!”
[The attack would certainly have struck and wounded, but given all the things that have happened (particularly Kodachi allowing Shampoo to substitute for her briefly in the skating competition) I would have thought that Kodachi would have had at least a little more trust in Ranma. Granted, this is prose which doesn’t perfectly present the subtone of spoken dialog (without really good speech tags), though the scene’s understandable and plays out fairly well]
…only to find a certain purple-haired Amazon waiting for them on the other side of the finish line. Shampoo smirked at her friends. “You two too slow.”
About the Bakkusai Tenketsu… my idea is that for a little while after the training, the protection from crushing blows is automatic. But after a certain amount of time has passed, it needs to be summoned by a conscious effort of will.
[Given that Ranma can alternately pound on Ryouga for hours (exaggeration) from the front, then take out Ryouga from a single blow from behind, I believe that canon implication is that this defensive mechanism is an alternate goal of the Bakusai Tenketsu, and requires conscious (if reflexive) activation]
Chapter 4: Death of a Dream
that demons are
there would be a whole generation
[Would he even be aware of the specific passage of time, rather than just ‘it’s later than when he went to sleep’?]
He looked over at Minami clear on the opposite side of the classroom from him, and wondered just who had come up with Martial Arts Note-Passing anyway.
there had been a boy who claimed that someone had reset the world, whatever that was supposed to mean.
[I’m assuming this refers to Kodachi’s wish, but now I’m puzzling over who might have sensed it]
since the St Hebereke lunch break was at a different time from Furinkan’s,
[I could’ve sworn that she’d interrupted him at least once in canon, but maybe I’m mistaken]
[As I am a sarcastic smartass, I speak onomatopoeic words like this all the time, and when I see them in dialog I think that the character is doing the same. If they’re not, they best go outside the dialog marks to act as narrative details]
Some things were just a given. Water is wet. Genma can’t be trusted farther than Kasumi could throw him. You never really stop to ask why.
[The funny thing is that in some fics, that’s pretty far]
at least according to Daddy.”
[Didn’t he annoy Nabiki in canon as well? She can’t have stayed with the Kunos the whole time, because she was gone while they were on vacation]
The last thing he wanted to do was lead the old freak back to her.
[Particularly as Hebereke is an all-girl school]
For a split second the ancient lecher’s face twisted in agony...
[I know that she’s a master at using her ki, but wouldn’t her autonomous defenses merely seal her energy from his? Your later energy about her causing a feedback loop in him would make sense, if she also felt drained, but with her having no idea what happened I am just confused. She should know that _something_ happened, and that would also strengthen her conviction to stay and see what happened to him]
Soun and your father will be here shortly, Ranma.”
[…with padlocks and chains]
Ranma as the heir to the Anything Goes school. Like I’m not even there!
[I’m actually glad to see this brought up – I was amazed that it was never dealt with in canon]
Cologne smiled, and stretched out her arm... on which rested a golden bracelet with three luminescent pearls.
[I was suspicious when this story started - mostly because I didn’t have much respect for canon Kodachi, but you virtually turned her into a fair OC; you have mixed things up in a _very_ interesting way, instead of shifting everything that happened to Ranma to Kodachi, you’ve spread around the…misery…whatever. Anyway, you’ve done an excellent job of really involving the whole cast, highlighted by incidents like this]
“Ranma has grown up without much comfort or tenderness. He needs someone like my sister, who will believe in him and support him. And Akane... at least for now, she is not going to be able to truly accept anyone who so far outstrips her in the area wherein she finds her self-worth.”
[A fairly accurate reflection of the situation]
She knew Kodachi would consider it dishonorable to use magic to take a man away from someone else
[The irony of that line…]
It figured that he would be able to draw and strike with his weapon faster than he could close his mouth,
[I’ll bet that could apply to most of the NWC]
"Ranma-sama... no...” Kodachi whispered, falling to her knees and beginning to cry.
[Didn’t she eat one of the pills?]
or to slay an enemy of the tribe,
If you defeat me,
[He’ll have a ‘kiss of marriage’ from a different person]
he spoke, “[I am the monarch of my fate, I am the captain of my soul!]”
[Interesting activation keywords for his broadsword. The corona effect seems cool, too]
“It is named Invictus, and its use renders one invincible in battle.” Although its magic could only be accessed on days when a new moon rode in the sky, which rendered the blade somewhat less than generally useful.
[And yet amusing]
Except that the haze of energy surrounding her foe absorbed the force of the strike as if she’d thrown a marshmallow at him instead.
[I can just see that. And the fresh round of jaw drops]
“Wo de airen...
[Who called it? I did! I know he avoided actually having to deal with this, but the wide-range blanching was such a nice touch]
At home she had Mousse, who was there every time she turned around, except of course when he was off intimidating the other boys from her village from approaching her.
[No wonder she’s never eager to return in canon, this is the exact same stance I have]
“Glad I am to hear it.”
[Unless Cologne is trying to talk like Yoda, shouldn’t that be ‘I am glad’?]
And I plead similar ignorance in my use of –kun and –sama.
[You’ve done a fairly good job, both are honorifics and ‘kun’ is actually diminuitive: it’s only appropriate for social equals and lesser, it can be used either to talk down to somebody or to indicate close friendship (I’ve heard of some people who insult each other and say ‘that’s what makes us friends’. Basically the same source). ‘sama’ is a formal honorific that could translate to ‘sir/lady’, either representing devotion (as Kodachi uses it in canon) or as a formality that keeps people at a distance (I use the latter with Kouki in The Best Laid Plans)]
Next time: It wouldn’t be Ranma if Akane Tendo weren’t kidnapped at least once.
[Or Kodachi, as she’s now the “protagonist’s love interest” in this story, but it’s nice to see other members of the cast get a moment in the spotlight]
| Ganheim chapter 3 . 4/27/2009
I used the same names for the Kuno parents as in Jim Robert Bader’s story Knights and Warriors; since I didn’t know if those names were ever actually given in the original series or not,
[Sounds like a plan, because the names were never given. I haven't gone through the whole manga yet, but I haven't seen the faintest trace of it in there either, and nobody will use Kuno (the father's) given name]
Prologue: Close the World, Open the Next
even processing at her newly-enhanced near-computer-level speed.
[I get the metaphor, but even supercomputers haven't yet come close to the neural processing power of lower arthropods, much less the more complex neural abilities of higher mammals]
She’d accidentally cut herself today, which had meant stitches.
[I understand that hemophilia is a condition in which the body can’t clot its blood, but this sounds like “paper skin” (I remember that the like condition applying to bone weakness is osteogenesis imperfecta, which admittedly isn’t the same thing). Anyway, unless the skin is cut deep or wide enough, I don’t believe it would require stitches. Medical attention due to the hemophilia, certainly]
Even better if you can make others pay the price for your shot at redemption (no, I personally don’t believe that, but you’d better believe the Kodachi we’re familiar with would)
[Although the idea seems morally reprehensible to me, for almost any second shot the person who pays for it is almost never the one who gets it. Sometimes that's a good thing, particularly when a truly noble soul will sacrifice to help another; the bad comes from those who are desperate for a second shot and _take_ from others, typically also indicating that they're not really psychologically/emotionally/spiritually ready to make that break to a new chance]
Chapter 1: The Great Escape
when the other smacked down on P-chan.
[As opposed to smacking up on P-chan]
"Wouldn’t we all like to know that, Pork-Brain,”
[Interrogative missing its question mark]
“The things we do for love,” he muttered under his breath, taking the photos from his pocket and shredding them without a second glance.
[Hm, interesting change]
Ranma noticed the stunned look on her face
[If her body is as weak as mentioned, wouldn’t she also be bleeding and bruised pretty badly? At least briefly? She heals faster, you mention that, but she hasn’t exactly had Bakusai Tenketsu training]
how he came up with a credible story under that much pressure that wasn’t an outright lie.
[It’s not the (complete) truth by any means?]
After you lose, you can say you threw the fight.”
[I was going to say, quite strongly, that Kodachi was being OOC, but this is much more in line with what I’ve come to expect of her character]
wrong turn and winding up in Hokkaido.
[Funny thing, that: he’s always trying to get to Hokkaido after this point in the series]
Her name’s Minami. She’s one of the girls in my network.
[Strange that she’s revealing her network, I’d have expected her to leave it at a more vague ‘my sources tell me’]
of hormone-crazed hentais.
[‘hentai’ is Japanese, there’s nothing lost by using the English ‘perverts’. You’re not even using honorific suffixes, which makes this unnecessary Japanese stand out even more]
and you were the one who provided all your family’s income.
[While this was untrue in canon (I’m pretty certain that she herself says that she doesn’t pay any bills, all her money goes to _her_), this story’s diverged a fair bit from canon and there’s enough room for this. It’s even plausible in more strictly canon-based fanfics, so this remains believable]
I can’t tell you the technique name, though, or you’d shout it out when you use it, and warn your enemy.
[That just sounds ridiculous. Not that Ranma itself didn’t make fun of that]
Think about what she’d just been told? That could wait for later.
as they were a bit like the nunchaku she was fairly skilled in using.
[They’re also quite a bit like the rods used in a number of Far Eastern martial-arts schools]
then turned a glare like an oxyacetylene blowtorch on the group seated behind Akane.
[That was a little longer that I think flowed well]
Kodachi began spinning her ribbon like the rotor of a helicopter.
[I guess that fits in the mythos of the meta-martial-artists, but I think it would have been more concise and easily believable if she’d just used her ribbon to snag the ropes and jerk herself back into the ring]
“You know about Jusenkyo?”
[I also find it ‘convenient’ that she knows, in detail, about Jusenkyo. Genma’s explanation of it made it clear that even most seasoned martial artists didn’t know about it, and those are the types to go looking for the cursed training ground]
she makes her mind up quickly, and once she does it’s very hard to change it.
[Sounds like Akane, spot-on so far]
a BIG part of whatever affection he feels for Akane in the original series is due to her constant underdog role.
[That’s undeniably a part of it. I’m not sure if it’s the main reason, but it’s undoubtedly a significant factor]
Ranma still manages to overhear Akane’s famous quote, “It’s like I’m engaged to my worst nightmare!”).
[I’m still curious how Takahashi thought that _wouldn’t_ have fatally wounded Ranma’s and Akane’s relationship – one of the things he wanted most (even if he’d never say it) was acceptance, and Akane is most definitely not the most accepting of girls. Hearing her say something like this _should_ have driven an immovable wedge between them, I’d think]
Chapter 2: Choices of the Heart
but she’d been forced to decline.
[You mean she just _chose_ to decline?]
with a bonborri extended
[Spelling: bonbori, but if you look that up on .com or wikipedia, you’ll see that’s a Japanese paper lantern. The maces that Shampoo uses are properly called chúi]
she continued the attack as planned... stopping the bonborri a hairsbreadth from her opponent, reversing it, and quickly striking with the handle at a number of shiatsu points.
[I can just see this amusing change in the fight, though it’s still annoying to see ‘bonborri’]
‘You coulda gotten Dachi hurt for real today.’
[Although this is possible, Kodachi even told him that her own actions drew Shampoo’s attention]
and smashed the maniac’s weapons to splinters.
[I’d like to know how he can splinter solid steel maces (that’s what those orbs are, initially they were iron back in their introduction around 200AD if I remember correctly)]
‘I’m waiting to get all the information, Tachi, but don’t push your luck.’ They seated themselves at a table.
[This is potentially in her character, but not in the comic Ranmaverse tendency to come to an incorrect conclusion early and ‘jump feet-first into it’]
Shampoo looked up at the three others and switched to Japanese.
[Very effective and simple means of representing multiple languages]
confusing his name with tatami (a mat of woven fibers), tsunami (a tidal wave), and Takahashi (the mythical Goddess of Abusive Romantic Relationships).
[Very clever, and amusing]
but what good does this do us?” "Not much, I’m afraid.” Now Dr Tofu was wishing he’d actually read the entire description before raising everyone’s hopes.
[And yet this _is_ true to the comic chaos of the ranmaverse]
Having her great-grandmother as the Matriarch didn’t mean she had more leeway– quite the opposite in fact.
[True, and I guess Kodachi wouldn’t know that she can’t convince Shampoo to ignore her law/honor because her people weren’t there to see it]
In America, it actually could have passed as a masterpiece of modern art, but in Japan,
[It could still pass as ‘abstract modern art’. As with any other art pieces, you just need to find somebody willing to throw away money for it]
in spite of living less than twenty miles from the cursed training ground.
[I have an easy time believing that. I knew a guy in the army who lived about that far from Arizona’s Grand Canyon, and never visited the tourist spot]
It seems to me that there’s no way they could have known the details about Jusenkyo (since I’ve never read the manga, I don’t know how it handles these things).
[I haven’t read the whole thing, online scans aren’t available all the time, but I’ve never seen even a slight indication that they ever went there. It may have just been an out-of-the-way place they knew was dangerous and chose never to meddle with]
As unstable as she seemed in the canon, I would _never_ have thought that Kodachi would have had any chance with Ranma. I was uncertain of how such a pairing/story could possibly work and more sure than not that it couldn’t, but given the high quality of your other work and the reliability with which you remain true to the original I decided to give it a chance, and I am _very_ glad that I did. A rather radical divergence, but exceptionally well done so far. Much as I wouldn’t have expected it from canon, everything has a sensibility to it (besides the zany yet fitting humour that is the Ranmaverse)
| MrNeedsToRemoveAllFavs chapter 9 . 2/1/2009
I did not see this coming. At all. I thought there was something fishy about the Heart Link and what it does and I had my suspicions about what was likely to happen but it wasn't anywhere near this. It's not an unpleasant surprise when I look back and consider what was happening, but still...
Good chapter, even greater fic.
HI-HO SILVER, AWAY! *goes to read next chapter*
| GJMEGA chapter 3 . 1/22/2009
And tell me again WHY Kodachi would feel ANY sympathy for someone who would: "hunt down coward, make her beg for life, then take as slave for one year. After that, use Xi Fang Gao so coward never tell truth about Kiss of Death, and set her free.” Oh yeah, I feel REAL sympathetic towards someone when I find out they are not trying to KILL someone, they just want to hunt them down, beat them to within an inch of their life, make them BEG for said life, ENSLAVE them for a year then fucking MIND-RAPE them so they forget it all happened. I shed a tear for you my poor misunderstood Amazon, I really do (Note the sarcasm).
| Enigma-Nemesis chapter 2 . 11/16/2008
A rarely done pairing with Ranma, but your story so far does an awesome job for it. Interesting how Ranma's life will develop now that he is "exiled" from the Tendo home, and will be staying at the Kuno family's home.