|Reviews for White Rose|
| Ganheim chapter 5 . 4/27/2009
Chapter 3: United We Stand
show up there. But Ryoga knew
[Given the flow and link of the ideas in these sentences, I think that combining them (comma instead of period) would help]
Shampoo used an ancient Amazon trick for restoring equilibrium in a fight (which consists of screaming loud and inventive slurs at one’s opponents’ ancestry– it’s amazing how that can clear the mind),
the Bakkusai Tenketsu training
[I believe it’s spelled ‘Bakusai’]
"Ranma, please…” With a visible effort, Ranma pulled
[With his name being the only action in the narrative attached to the dialog, that indicates that it’s his]
Shampoo say no,
[say _so_? I’m slightly confused otherwise]
Three Teenage Thaumaturge Terrorists
"Not in the history of the world?” she asked teasingly.
He considered this. “Well, I don’t think I can match the kinda stuff that goes on in Hollywood.”
you not turn your back
sent two razor-edged sauceriken
[That is an extremely amusing modification of shuriken]
"No. NO! I don’t believe you!”
[The attack would certainly have struck and wounded, but given all the things that have happened (particularly Kodachi allowing Shampoo to substitute for her briefly in the skating competition) I would have thought that Kodachi would have had at least a little more trust in Ranma. Granted, this is prose which doesn’t perfectly present the subtone of spoken dialog (without really good speech tags), though the scene’s understandable and plays out fairly well]
…only to find a certain purple-haired Amazon waiting for them on the other side of the finish line. Shampoo smirked at her friends. “You two too slow.”
About the Bakkusai Tenketsu… my idea is that for a little while after the training, the protection from crushing blows is automatic. But after a certain amount of time has passed, it needs to be summoned by a conscious effort of will.
[Given that Ranma can alternately pound on Ryouga for hours (exaggeration) from the front, then take out Ryouga from a single blow from behind, I believe that canon implication is that this defensive mechanism is an alternate goal of the Bakusai Tenketsu, and requires conscious (if reflexive) activation]
Chapter 4: Death of a Dream
that demons are
there would be a whole generation
[Would he even be aware of the specific passage of time, rather than just ‘it’s later than when he went to sleep’?]
He looked over at Minami clear on the opposite side of the classroom from him, and wondered just who had come up with Martial Arts Note-Passing anyway.
there had been a boy who claimed that someone had reset the world, whatever that was supposed to mean.
[I’m assuming this refers to Kodachi’s wish, but now I’m puzzling over who might have sensed it]
since the St Hebereke lunch break was at a different time from Furinkan’s,
[I could’ve sworn that she’d interrupted him at least once in canon, but maybe I’m mistaken]
[As I am a sarcastic smartass, I speak onomatopoeic words like this all the time, and when I see them in dialog I think that the character is doing the same. If they’re not, they best go outside the dialog marks to act as narrative details]
Some things were just a given. Water is wet. Genma can’t be trusted farther than Kasumi could throw him. You never really stop to ask why.
[The funny thing is that in some fics, that’s pretty far]
at least according to Daddy.”
[Didn’t he annoy Nabiki in canon as well? She can’t have stayed with the Kunos the whole time, because she was gone while they were on vacation]
The last thing he wanted to do was lead the old freak back to her.
[Particularly as Hebereke is an all-girl school]
For a split second the ancient lecher’s face twisted in agony...
[I know that she’s a master at using her ki, but wouldn’t her autonomous defenses merely seal her energy from his? Your later energy about her causing a feedback loop in him would make sense, if she also felt drained, but with her having no idea what happened I am just confused. She should know that _something_ happened, and that would also strengthen her conviction to stay and see what happened to him]
Soun and your father will be here shortly, Ranma.”
[…with padlocks and chains]
Ranma as the heir to the Anything Goes school. Like I’m not even there!
[I’m actually glad to see this brought up – I was amazed that it was never dealt with in canon]
Cologne smiled, and stretched out her arm... on which rested a golden bracelet with three luminescent pearls.
[I was suspicious when this story started - mostly because I didn’t have much respect for canon Kodachi, but you virtually turned her into a fair OC; you have mixed things up in a _very_ interesting way, instead of shifting everything that happened to Ranma to Kodachi, you’ve spread around the…misery…whatever. Anyway, you’ve done an excellent job of really involving the whole cast, highlighted by incidents like this]
“Ranma has grown up without much comfort or tenderness. He needs someone like my sister, who will believe in him and support him. And Akane... at least for now, she is not going to be able to truly accept anyone who so far outstrips her in the area wherein she finds her self-worth.”
[A fairly accurate reflection of the situation]
She knew Kodachi would consider it dishonorable to use magic to take a man away from someone else
[The irony of that line…]
It figured that he would be able to draw and strike with his weapon faster than he could close his mouth,
[I’ll bet that could apply to most of the NWC]
"Ranma-sama... no...” Kodachi whispered, falling to her knees and beginning to cry.
[Didn’t she eat one of the pills?]
or to slay an enemy of the tribe,
If you defeat me,
[He’ll have a ‘kiss of marriage’ from a different person]
he spoke, “[I am the monarch of my fate, I am the captain of my soul!]”
[Interesting activation keywords for his broadsword. The corona effect seems cool, too]
“It is named Invictus, and its use renders one invincible in battle.” Although its magic could only be accessed on days when a new moon rode in the sky, which rendered the blade somewhat less than generally useful.
[And yet amusing]
Except that the haze of energy surrounding her foe absorbed the force of the strike as if she’d thrown a marshmallow at him instead.
[I can just see that. And the fresh round of jaw drops]
“Wo de airen...
[Who called it? I did! I know he avoided actually having to deal with this, but the wide-range blanching was such a nice touch]
At home she had Mousse, who was there every time she turned around, except of course when he was off intimidating the other boys from her village from approaching her.
[No wonder she’s never eager to return in canon, this is the exact same stance I have]
“Glad I am to hear it.”
[Unless Cologne is trying to talk like Yoda, shouldn’t that be ‘I am glad’?]
And I plead similar ignorance in my use of –kun and –sama.
[You’ve done a fairly good job, both are honorifics and ‘kun’ is actually diminuitive: it’s only appropriate for social equals and lesser, it can be used either to talk down to somebody or to indicate close friendship (I’ve heard of some people who insult each other and say ‘that’s what makes us friends’. Basically the same source). ‘sama’ is a formal honorific that could translate to ‘sir/lady’, either representing devotion (as Kodachi uses it in canon) or as a formality that keeps people at a distance (I use the latter with Kouki in The Best Laid Plans)]
Next time: It wouldn’t be Ranma if Akane Tendo weren’t kidnapped at least once.
[Or Kodachi, as she’s now the “protagonist’s love interest” in this story, but it’s nice to see other members of the cast get a moment in the spotlight]
| Ganheim chapter 3 . 4/27/2009
I used the same names for the Kuno parents as in Jim Robert Bader’s story Knights and Warriors; since I didn’t know if those names were ever actually given in the original series or not,
[Sounds like a plan, because the names were never given. I haven't gone through the whole manga yet, but I haven't seen the faintest trace of it in there either, and nobody will use Kuno (the father's) given name]
Prologue: Close the World, Open the Next
even processing at her newly-enhanced near-computer-level speed.
[I get the metaphor, but even supercomputers haven't yet come close to the neural processing power of lower arthropods, much less the more complex neural abilities of higher mammals]
She’d accidentally cut herself today, which had meant stitches.
[I understand that hemophilia is a condition in which the body can’t clot its blood, but this sounds like “paper skin” (I remember that the like condition applying to bone weakness is osteogenesis imperfecta, which admittedly isn’t the same thing). Anyway, unless the skin is cut deep or wide enough, I don’t believe it would require stitches. Medical attention due to the hemophilia, certainly]
Even better if you can make others pay the price for your shot at redemption (no, I personally don’t believe that, but you’d better believe the Kodachi we’re familiar with would)
[Although the idea seems morally reprehensible to me, for almost any second shot the person who pays for it is almost never the one who gets it. Sometimes that's a good thing, particularly when a truly noble soul will sacrifice to help another; the bad comes from those who are desperate for a second shot and _take_ from others, typically also indicating that they're not really psychologically/emotionally/spiritually ready to make that break to a new chance]
Chapter 1: The Great Escape
when the other smacked down on P-chan.
[As opposed to smacking up on P-chan]
"Wouldn’t we all like to know that, Pork-Brain,”
[Interrogative missing its question mark]
“The things we do for love,” he muttered under his breath, taking the photos from his pocket and shredding them without a second glance.
[Hm, interesting change]
Ranma noticed the stunned look on her face
[If her body is as weak as mentioned, wouldn’t she also be bleeding and bruised pretty badly? At least briefly? She heals faster, you mention that, but she hasn’t exactly had Bakusai Tenketsu training]
how he came up with a credible story under that much pressure that wasn’t an outright lie.
[It’s not the (complete) truth by any means?]
After you lose, you can say you threw the fight.”
[I was going to say, quite strongly, that Kodachi was being OOC, but this is much more in line with what I’ve come to expect of her character]
wrong turn and winding up in Hokkaido.
[Funny thing, that: he’s always trying to get to Hokkaido after this point in the series]
Her name’s Minami. She’s one of the girls in my network.
[Strange that she’s revealing her network, I’d have expected her to leave it at a more vague ‘my sources tell me’]
of hormone-crazed hentais.
[‘hentai’ is Japanese, there’s nothing lost by using the English ‘perverts’. You’re not even using honorific suffixes, which makes this unnecessary Japanese stand out even more]
and you were the one who provided all your family’s income.
[While this was untrue in canon (I’m pretty certain that she herself says that she doesn’t pay any bills, all her money goes to _her_), this story’s diverged a fair bit from canon and there’s enough room for this. It’s even plausible in more strictly canon-based fanfics, so this remains believable]
I can’t tell you the technique name, though, or you’d shout it out when you use it, and warn your enemy.
[That just sounds ridiculous. Not that Ranma itself didn’t make fun of that]
Think about what she’d just been told? That could wait for later.
as they were a bit like the nunchaku she was fairly skilled in using.
[They’re also quite a bit like the rods used in a number of Far Eastern martial-arts schools]
then turned a glare like an oxyacetylene blowtorch on the group seated behind Akane.
[That was a little longer that I think flowed well]
Kodachi began spinning her ribbon like the rotor of a helicopter.
[I guess that fits in the mythos of the meta-martial-artists, but I think it would have been more concise and easily believable if she’d just used her ribbon to snag the ropes and jerk herself back into the ring]
“You know about Jusenkyo?”
[I also find it ‘convenient’ that she knows, in detail, about Jusenkyo. Genma’s explanation of it made it clear that even most seasoned martial artists didn’t know about it, and those are the types to go looking for the cursed training ground]
she makes her mind up quickly, and once she does it’s very hard to change it.
[Sounds like Akane, spot-on so far]
a BIG part of whatever affection he feels for Akane in the original series is due to her constant underdog role.
[That’s undeniably a part of it. I’m not sure if it’s the main reason, but it’s undoubtedly a significant factor]
Ranma still manages to overhear Akane’s famous quote, “It’s like I’m engaged to my worst nightmare!”).
[I’m still curious how Takahashi thought that _wouldn’t_ have fatally wounded Ranma’s and Akane’s relationship – one of the things he wanted most (even if he’d never say it) was acceptance, and Akane is most definitely not the most accepting of girls. Hearing her say something like this _should_ have driven an immovable wedge between them, I’d think]
Chapter 2: Choices of the Heart
but she’d been forced to decline.
[You mean she just _chose_ to decline?]
with a bonborri extended
[Spelling: bonbori, but if you look that up on .com or wikipedia, you’ll see that’s a Japanese paper lantern. The maces that Shampoo uses are properly called chúi]
she continued the attack as planned... stopping the bonborri a hairsbreadth from her opponent, reversing it, and quickly striking with the handle at a number of shiatsu points.
[I can just see this amusing change in the fight, though it’s still annoying to see ‘bonborri’]
‘You coulda gotten Dachi hurt for real today.’
[Although this is possible, Kodachi even told him that her own actions drew Shampoo’s attention]
and smashed the maniac’s weapons to splinters.
[I’d like to know how he can splinter solid steel maces (that’s what those orbs are, initially they were iron back in their introduction around 200AD if I remember correctly)]
‘I’m waiting to get all the information, Tachi, but don’t push your luck.’ They seated themselves at a table.
[This is potentially in her character, but not in the comic Ranmaverse tendency to come to an incorrect conclusion early and ‘jump feet-first into it’]
Shampoo looked up at the three others and switched to Japanese.
[Very effective and simple means of representing multiple languages]
confusing his name with tatami (a mat of woven fibers), tsunami (a tidal wave), and Takahashi (the mythical Goddess of Abusive Romantic Relationships).
[Very clever, and amusing]
but what good does this do us?” "Not much, I’m afraid.” Now Dr Tofu was wishing he’d actually read the entire description before raising everyone’s hopes.
[And yet this _is_ true to the comic chaos of the ranmaverse]
Having her great-grandmother as the Matriarch didn’t mean she had more leeway– quite the opposite in fact.
[True, and I guess Kodachi wouldn’t know that she can’t convince Shampoo to ignore her law/honor because her people weren’t there to see it]
In America, it actually could have passed as a masterpiece of modern art, but in Japan,
[It could still pass as ‘abstract modern art’. As with any other art pieces, you just need to find somebody willing to throw away money for it]
in spite of living less than twenty miles from the cursed training ground.
[I have an easy time believing that. I knew a guy in the army who lived about that far from Arizona’s Grand Canyon, and never visited the tourist spot]
It seems to me that there’s no way they could have known the details about Jusenkyo (since I’ve never read the manga, I don’t know how it handles these things).
[I haven’t read the whole thing, online scans aren’t available all the time, but I’ve never seen even a slight indication that they ever went there. It may have just been an out-of-the-way place they knew was dangerous and chose never to meddle with]
As unstable as she seemed in the canon, I would _never_ have thought that Kodachi would have had any chance with Ranma. I was uncertain of how such a pairing/story could possibly work and more sure than not that it couldn’t, but given the high quality of your other work and the reliability with which you remain true to the original I decided to give it a chance, and I am _very_ glad that I did. A rather radical divergence, but exceptionally well done so far. Much as I wouldn’t have expected it from canon, everything has a sensibility to it (besides the zany yet fitting humour that is the Ranmaverse)
| MrNeedsToRemoveAllFavs chapter 9 . 2/1/2009
I did not see this coming. At all. I thought there was something fishy about the Heart Link and what it does and I had my suspicions about what was likely to happen but it wasn't anywhere near this. It's not an unpleasant surprise when I look back and consider what was happening, but still...
Good chapter, even greater fic.
HI-HO SILVER, AWAY! *goes to read next chapter*
| GJMEGA chapter 3 . 1/22/2009
And tell me again WHY Kodachi would feel ANY sympathy for someone who would: "hunt down coward, make her beg for life, then take as slave for one year. After that, use Xi Fang Gao so coward never tell truth about Kiss of Death, and set her free.” Oh yeah, I feel REAL sympathetic towards someone when I find out they are not trying to KILL someone, they just want to hunt them down, beat them to within an inch of their life, make them BEG for said life, ENSLAVE them for a year then fucking MIND-RAPE them so they forget it all happened. I shed a tear for you my poor misunderstood Amazon, I really do (Note the sarcasm).
| Enigma-Nemesis chapter 2 . 11/16/2008
A rarely done pairing with Ranma, but your story so far does an awesome job for it. Interesting how Ranma's life will develop now that he is "exiled" from the Tendo home, and will be staying at the Kuno family's home.
| rewind gone nuts chapter 18 . 10/22/2008
Well, I've finished this story at last, and I'm truly pleased that I did finally get around to doing so. There's no real details to comment on that stick out to me (though a part of me now wonders if a D&D-style Remove Curse spell really *would* remove a Jusenkyo curse), so I'll just settle for a final congratulations.
On a final note, it might be easier to find this story if you were to alter it so it was under the character browser "Kodachi". Or even "Kodachi" and "Ranma". As is, one must slog through the vast plethora of Ranma/Akanes to find it, unless one knows precisely who wrote it and how to find it.
| rewind gone nuts chapter 14 . 10/22/2008
I was wondering how you would 'settle' the menage e trois between Ryoga, Ukyo and the Twins, and this chapter did not disappoint. While not an especial fan of the Ryoga/Ukyo coupling (which doesn't really make any sense in canon, given that they are not friends and seem to actively dislike each other by movie 2), you make it both believable and enjoyable.
It's good to see an author who actually uses the canonical fact that Nanniichuan is a cure for Jusenkyo-cursed male, rather than that claptrap about it being incurable/"Ranma's destiny to remain cursed". While Ranma needed to recurse himself stung my sensibilities a little, it is perfectly believable -Ranma can be an asshole, but he's also quite capable of considerable altruism and generosity- and thusly it doesn't detract from the story at all.
| rewind gone nuts chapter 8 . 10/21/2008
Has anyone ever told you that you have a knack for coming up with explanations for events so plausible that it's scary? Though I do feel I should point out that in their fight with Akane in their second appearance, it was actually them diving straight into their "Great Dance of the Super Phoenix" move that got them beaten: if they'd stuck with hand-to-hand, they likely would have won (true, they did mistime their leaps and smack into the pillars, but clumsiness is part of adolescence). Instead, they took to the sky and got blown out of it when Akane managed to fluke and knock an egg-bomb back at them. And if Ranma hadn't saved Akane from the falling plywood, they would have gotten her as well.
Ironically, you hit a fairly good blow with that gag about Lina (specifically, the comment about her claiming to a sorceress, but being powerless and blaming it on the universe's laws): all wizards in the Slayers "Crystal Sphere" (the dimension created/inhabited by the Lord of Nightmares and the 4 worlds & their planes it created) use spells by drawing on the power of other entities. White and Holy Mages draw on the power of the Dragon-Gods, Black Mages on Mazoku Lords, and Shamans on the Astral Plane and the Elemental Spirits. That means that, outside of their home Sphere, they'd be completely powerless- they wouldn't be able to tap into the energy of their 'patrons' anymore.
Anyway, in case it isn't obvious, I'm enjoying this story very much- I still wonder why I never managed to read it before.
| rewind gone nuts chapter 4 . 10/21/2008
I don't know where you found the idea of the Golden Pair using the ki radiated by the ice underfoot to empower themselves, but I have to say it makes a startling amount of sense. It explains why they're so good when they're on the ice, and also why it was Mikado was able to kiss Ranma, who in all other circumstances would have likely split Mikado's skull.
On a random note, have you ever seen how Ranma adresses Mikado as something along the lines of "sex-crazed pervert" (can't recall off the top of my head) in the subbed anime (he calls him "Mikado the Molester" in the dubbing)? Well, the thing is, that's actually one of the meanings of Mikado Sanzenine.
| rewind gone nuts chapter 3 . 10/21/2008
Actually, Mousse got his Duck curse because he was an idiot and didn't watch where he was going, instead turning back towards the Guide without stopping moving, but it's still a very good explanation for why the hell Shampoo believed Ranma's claim to 'really' be the girl. Not to mention how the hell Ranma & Genma got chased away with Shampoo in pursuit of honoring the Kiss of Death without someone realising "hey, that's the Jusenkyo guide- maybe this girl and panda aren't in their real forms".
While forcing a man who has proven to be a match for his 'bride' to come the village is unsound by definition, I still (again) agree with your belief that Cologne is not such the stickler for Amazon law that fanon makes her out to be. It fits in with her behavior in the series, and is frankly one of the more annoying bits of Joketsuzoku fanon. The worst, naturally, being the whole "men are second-class citizens/Ranma would be nothing but a breeding stud" bullshit.
| rewind gone nuts chapter 1 . 10/21/2008
To be honest, I've started to read this fic in the past before, but for some reason I was never able to get past this first chapter. I finally managed to do so, and I'm glad I did. This is an intriguing story and I just love its twists and turns. Its also gratifying to find another writer who prefers the anime, and its far more sympathetic portrayal of the other girls, than sticking to the frankly rather insipid manga.
| mythicalprogrammer chapter 1 . 12/20/2007
I remember this fic a while back. About three years or so ,. Anyway just wanted to say thank you for sharing this fanfiction. It's amazing, touching, and wonderful. I've never thought of Kodachi as anything but a background character in Ranma 1/2 but YOU going in dept and in the mind of her. Thank you.
| Dumbledork chapter 18 . 8/19/2007
This story was absolutely brilliant. Stil... I'd like to have more.
| phoenix.ru chapter 2 . 4/27/2007
Well, have'n read many good Ranma x Kodachi fics. And as I kinda like non traditional pairings (and many consider this to be one a most unconventional one _)
So far it's ok.. kinda. I still think the first chapter was a bit... oversimplified... but then why not...
| Bloodreaver Alpha chapter 1 . 8/19/2006
Highly unusual, yes. Extremely unorthodox, clearly. Enjoyable?
I've rarely enjoyed any sort of Ranma/Kodachi pairing (only one, in fact, other than yours), and in that case, I did not and do not consider the author particularly talented.
You, on the other hand, are cut from an entirely different cloth. Bravo!