|Reviews for Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Gravity of Perspective|
| MonMinou chapter 34 . 3/14/2019
I binge read this for two days. This is a really good rewritten novel of the series (and it’s probs the only one here too, even better.). I really adore how you added references to the other PMD game, like the expedition to Fogbound Lake - that especially took me back ;w; you implement them well as replacements to the original areas in PSMD. I also like how you added OCs for the story, like Mincinno and his team. I especially like how you added Alolan Vulpix, I think she’s my fave character so far uwu
Lastly, i like how you made the BG characters more prominent in the story, especially Espurr. I actually had wrote a chapter of the beginning of the game (but with a more realistic twist, similar to yours), and I said if I were to work on it more I def would’ve made Espurr more relevant of a character. I ended up not writing more of it lol. But yeah I like the idea.
Overall this is a really good story. Hope to see more and good luck with your Uni studies (I also started Uni this year lol)
| Namohysip chapter 34 . 2/18/2019
Well, the title of this chapter was certainly appropriate. A game of catchup for Espurr and Nuzleaf of what Leah and Sage had gone through since fleeing Serene Village. I thought, all things considered, you went through the recollection pretty quickly, and that’s good, because I’m sure nobody wants to actually see that recounted tale after having read it before.
There are a few points where your attempt at making elaborate prose sometimes falls awkwardly on its feet, though. An example:
[Nuzleaf hadn’t been lying about the pancakes, which had invaded my nostrils . . . ]
So, “invaded my nostrils” is another one of those times where you get simultaneously technical and poetic, but it just results in an odd visual statement. I’m imagining pancake batter being shoved into Sage’s nose, literally. Perhaps if you said something like, ‘the scent invading my nostrils,’ or something like that—but even then, “nostrils” is such an odd phrase to use. You could’ve gone full metaphorical, such as “the scent hitting me right when I entered,” or maybe, “the overwhelming, doughy-sweet scent enveloping my snout” or something like that, if you want to keep it purple. Some of it is just stylistic preference, of course, but this one was particularly egregious.
Interesting implementation of TMs here. I vaguely recall that they were reusable in Super, but I guess you’re regressing to the one-use variety here. Related to game mechanics, I found it a bit odd that despite generally being averse to them for the most part, there are mentions of “special attack” and allusions to “perfect accuracy” in Shock Wave, among other things. I feel like there are other ways to address this than the game-origin term.
An aside, I’m noticing in this chapter as well that you might be overusing a particular dialogue gag regarding Miccino and Vulpix. It’s where Vulpix says something, there’s an extended interrupting clause, and then he finishes what he’s saying. It was used pretty often here, and it was a little strange, but that’s probably just style. However, one pair in particular felt like you may have started writing, stopped for a while, and then resumed without realizing you’d already done the scene:
[“Mincinno’s exactly right about repetition, even though he may be…” she narrowed her eyes in his direction as he continued to marvel at how badly I’d missed him. “…a bit of an idiot sometimes.”]
Just a few paragraphs ago, you had already done this:
[“Mincinno’s exactly right about repetition, even though he may be…” she lowered her voice and narrowed her eyes at her teammate, who was still laughing. “…a big idiot sometimes.”]
Like, I dunno if it’s a good idea to be talking about learning from repetition when the cast doesn’t even realize they’re repeating themselves uselessly! Frankly I thought I had a stroke when reading that exchange.
Now then, some overall comments:
I’m seeing your author’s note, and I’m agreeing with some of your concerns, while disagreeing somewhat about your decisions. For one, yes, it was a while that this came out, but that’s besides the point. I find it odd that you need an intermission chapter for a plot that so far has been very slow and has barely gotten started, all things considered.
You mention elsewhere (and on your AO3 tags) that there’s a love triangle brewing, but because you once again neglected to include Espurr meaningfully in anything longer than a short scene—and let alone any lines of dialogue involving her for very long, if at all, in the chapter. I think including her in the training would have actually been a GREAT way to try to bring her into the loop again. But now, it’s just… a bit of a missed opportunity. Hopefully you’ll be able to rectify this in the coming chapter, because right now, Espurr has arrived and yet is still barely present.
| Ambyssin chapter 34 . 2/14/2019
So, uh, legitimate question here: how much of Sage's extended training sequence was inspired by the pick-up games — at least, I think they're pick-up, but I don't remember — of basketball you play? I got the distinct feeling reading through this chapter that you were drawing on that, because all I could think about was how this pretty much played out like something I'd expect to see in a school yard... or the way TV shows or movies portray school yard scenes. I'm not entirely sure what Mincinno's age is, since he was acting like the pokémon equivalent of someone in their mid-teens. I know he said he was intentionally trying to rile Sage up but, honestly, with the way he was acting this chapter and some of that really cringey, memey dialogue of his (including a legit "That ain't it, chief"), I'm sorry to say my opinion of him soured. Maybe he'll do something on Showdown Mountain to win back my favor, but until then I'm going to be hoping he takes a bit of a back seat for the coming conflict, which looks like will be happening very soon b/c hot damn did the Not-FBI get taken down fast. I'll admit I'd have liked to see those gov't stiffs getting turned to stone, but it's not a huge loss.
On the bright side, this chapter made me love Vulpix even more since she refuses to put up with Mincinno's BS from the very beginning. Good on ya! This is why she's best fox. Sorry, Leah. I was also amused at Sage mentioning the government not being brought up at school. I took it as you poking fun at yourself for not bringing them up earlier in the fic. Maybe that wasn't the intention, but I got a kick out of it, anyway. Also, on the whole, I think there was a lot less unnecessary inner monologues from Sage. You focused a lot more on play-by-play and less on Sage's thoughts. It worked to the chapter's benefit, in my opinion, especially since this was a filler chapter where not that much ended up happening. So, kudos there.
That's not to say it was perfect. Your prose still had heavy purple tints to it, at times, namely when Sage was describing the scene around him. I appreciate you use more than his sight, but you do still go a bit overboard. Like Sage saying the smell of pancakes "invaded his nostrils." On top of that, there were a lot of points where your wording got redundant. Again, it was mostly during the scene-setting paragraphs. For example: "Distant thunder echoed across the clouds, but it did not sound close." You even reused Vulpix's "Mincinno's right about repetition" line word-for-word about six paragraphs after she said it to Sage the first time.
Last thing's just a nitpick. I think you overdid it with the amount of "y'all's" and "I reckon's" Nuzleaf had in his scenes. I know his accent's funny, but it loses the charm when you put one of those in, like, every single sentence he says.
Well, that's all I got. Hope college life continues to treat you well!
| Hope chapter 33 . 10/30/2018
Phew~ that was a good read and PS: glad you used Snivy which is my favorite starter all Pokemon ~ makes me feel like I can be part of it. Hope you can update soon! And can't wait for Espur and Sage to have their moments again hehe owo I love those two and Leah too of course
| hope chapter 30 . 10/29/2018
In my opinion your doing just fine and for the last 2 nights now I've enjoyed reading this psmd its the best one I've ever read that actually continues on Andi hope you continue because their aren't many either . so keep going okay? I would have reviewd way more but I wanted to keep reading haha
| UnholyPens chapter 5 . 9/4/2018
OwO what's this? (you know it's past my reading date if I had to check to see which chapter I last reviewed)
Oofie, starting off here, I forgot about your early tendency to use big words. I'm expecting that to be fixed later on in the story, it's a bit grating.
Wait... he? I... I was always under the impression that Principal Simipour was female... I got no idea where that notion came from, nor why I'd never noticed my incorrect assumption.
Lmao, that one singular line from Pancham, "You really got bodied" just made me laugh, I don't know why. It's just something you'd totally expect someone like him to say.
...Just made it to the next few paragraphs. Good lord, I expect to see more of that later on, I demand it to be so!
Hm. I finished the school portion of the chapter, and the rest just flew by. I... was expecting to be her a lot longer. If I didn't have some more plans for the night, I'd definitely sneak in another chapter, but... y'know.
In all, I gotta say that I'm rather disappointed I hadn't given your story a chance far earlier on. There's a reason you've gotten as popular as you have. Even if you were updating on a timely basis when you first started posting on FFnet, I don't think (in the PMD community, at least) you'd have attracted as many readers as you have. It's obvious that you've put care into this, and even though we're far past that, I'm ashamed that I dissed on you so much. You can expect me to make more time to read your story soon.
| Miner7365 chapter 33 . 9/1/2018
So, this has been a long time coming, but I'm finally here. I'm finally here, and its time to sum it all up in one big cumulative review. So, without further ado, let us begin.
To begin, let's start off with the prose. Now, I know I already commented on this a lot in the preceding reviews, all the ones dating back to near the beginning of the month and the first few chapters, but I feel like its fair to touch back on this after about 180k words of not commenting on it. A lot of your earlier issues, like not capitalizing pokemon names consistently and just really odd phrasing at times, have all seemed to disappear as the story went on. (Except for the repeated I(s), but even then, those have been appearing less and less as time went on, so it isn't that big of a deal.) However, I do have to comment on the sentences in general, since they... don't work well at times. Take, for instance, this one from chapter 19 of your story.
"I was horribly discombobulated due to the surprise vertical strafe of such a large opponent..."
Discombobulated... isn't really a word meant to be taken seriously, to be honest. I mean, it might be different over where you are, but discombobulated isn't confusion in a serious manner. Discombobulated is confusion in a manner of something over the top, or something absolutely absurd. Here is an example of discombobulated used correctly I'll make up on the spot.
"Sage found himself discombobulated as the words from the Snubull in Lively Town smacked him straight in the face."
Now, weird similes and metaphors that don't really fit are all mostly pre-chapter 22, and while they do hurt the story significantly, I can understand why you wouldn't want to poke the bears nest in that regard. However, let's talk about GoP pre-chapter 22 in general for a second. Out of all the chapters and words present within that part of the story, there are only four semi/fully original ones scenes.
- The Pancham-Leah vs. Deerling-Sage fight.
- The Beheeyem encounter in the woods.
- The talk Sage has with Espurr under the tree.
- The Leah singing scene.
Now, out of these 4, some of them do have some major effects. The talk sets up for whatever is going to happen post chapter 33 involving Sage's and Espurr's relationship, now that they have met eachother again, and the singing scene... I'm more or less indifferent about but I see has some foreshadowing involved with it. The other two are just exaggerations/reimaginings of original scenes, so they don't really matter that much.
In any case, ver the course of about 120k words, assuming consistent chapter lengths, this is how much you give the reader to read. Granted, you do fix this later on, diverging scenes and reimagining parts of the game left and right, but still... it just feels the same at times, when coupled with the shaky prose. Granted, the entire beginning of PSMD was really slow, so this might not be your fault entirely, and you do make other subtle changes (stuff like Nuzleaf having that scarf, and revelation mountain not being guarded by a mob of policemen near the top.) but still, it just doesn't move near the beginning. The slow pacing, coupled with the long and at times arduous thought cycles Sage goes through, hurts the story immensely in my opinion. In being honest, I really did not like a lot of it pre-chapter 22, just because it felt like it was stuck on the railroad and was never going to come off. Granted, our styles do clash, so some of that probably does come from there, but still.
To be fair, there are some saving graces of the beginning. Usually, I'm not fond of stories that have PMD worlds with semi-modern features, but this is an exception to that. Here, it kind of takes some time for the fact that Serene village is a back water country village to be established, and that really does help to put the reader in Sage's shoes for a while, as they realize around the same time he does that everything isn't as backwater as he thought. Subtle things, like the fact that they have a printed newspaper that gets delivered, along with the comparison of the badge to a computer, really helps to make the whole transition from Serene town to Lively town less jarring. There is also your character interactions, which I think is one of your major strengths here, that makes it better. Leah's apparent pissed off feelings towards Sage feel authentic, and I appreciate that you at least made an effort to try to make the love interests have an emotional conflict, unlike... some people on some sides of this site that we won't talk about.
Now, there is the fact that Sage at times feels... like he's forcefully railroaded back onto the plot, and that is an issue. Take the time he goes from thinking that Leah was some psycho to thinking he should try to be friends in what feels like only a day as one of those instances. Granted, this is only a really early on in the story issue, and doesn't pop up that much post chapter ten, but its there.
In any case, that's the first 21 chapters thoroughly dissected. Now I can talk about the part I do like, everything past chapter 22.
So, chapter 22. When I first read it, I thought I had just clicked on a different story or something, because of how grim it felt compared to everything else. Now, this isn't a bad thing, I'd be tempted to say its the exact opposite. It introduces Dark Matter in such a way that it makes it seem much more terrifying then it ever was in the games. I'll be honest, pre-chapter 22, I thought this was going to be a simple romance with PSMD going on in the background, but this chapter made it very clear that this wasn't the case. And for that, I can give you respect for going somewhere with your fic most wouldn't on this site.
Past there, it just gets better and better. Sentences start to flow together much more nicely, although overall their complexity does still detract a fair amount to the piece as a whole. You do a decent job diverging from the plot from this point onwards, with Volcanion appearing instead of Entei as the legendary that accuses the pair of turning mons' to stone, and making Latias not appear over near the lake but near the Great Canyon instead, an interesting choice but we'll see about that one. I also find the fact that Hydreigon makes a random appearence interesting, if not... odd. He seems almost nonchalant towards it all, and that makes me think something bigger is going on involving him. Then again, that could just be me throwing a crackpot theory out there, like I did when Nuzleaf had that scarf that just turned out to be foreshadowing to the true power of the Harmony Scarves, but I would figure I would point it out.
Your characterization also only improves here, as both Sage and Leah team dynamic only becomes more interesting. The fact that Leah actually wants to back down out of fear of Sage dying at one point really isn't something seen that much in PMD fics, with the "we'll keep going to the very end" rhetoric much more common. Kinda refreshing to see, if I'm going to be honest. There is also the fact that half the time most of the 'mons don't take Ampharos extravagance all that seriously, another thing that is pretty refreshing to see, considering that most would probably leave alone and just not touch. Of course, I haven't read that many other PSMD fics, so whether these are common divergences or not I'm not entirely aware of, but they seem like things that wouldn't be touch much. Guess I'll have to see whenever I finally get to Ikcatcher's fic, heh.
Either way, there are some strifes I should mentions. One of them is the whole... fact that the Harmony scarves could activate as far away as Fogbound lake. Besides the obvious disconnect it brings from the whole 'activated in proximity to the tree of life,' it also make me fearful that its going to become one of those types of things that can activate anywhere. Of course, this could not be the case, but I figured I would voice my concern in that regard since I'm just not sure how bad things will get before they finally find themselves on top of Revelation mountain during the 'fun' scene. One other slight concern I have is that... Sage has seemed to all but forgotten the fact that he was told "the sun was coming" by one of Dark Matter's pawns. I mean, I know there is the whole 'he couldn't have realized that plot twist yet,' thing that is necessary at this part of the story, but... at this point it feels like he should be able to put two and two together, having trudged through three heat stricken continents and even Leah bitching about the weather near constantly by chapter 33. Just a thought.
Overall though, that is all I have to say. I do see now why this story has such a big following, and while at points it may not exactly be the most interesting thing for me (lengthy prose and romance being two strifes of mine.) it still manages to interest me and I'm really curious as to where you are going to go with this. The way you have presented Dark Matter is fascinating and I'm really intrigued as to how far down your going to take both this world, along with everyone else around it.
All I can say is... keep on going with it. You have something going here, and I'm really curious as to where it will end up. Both this, and that eventual sequel you mentioned it might have one day. Please, keep this going, and let that story be able to see the light of day one day, unlike most stories are ever able to.
And, it is with that, that I'll take my leave. See you later, G0AT.
I really hope you realize you owe me that review after all of this.
| Miner7365 chapter 22 . 8/28/2018
This chapter... all I can say is amazing job.
Never thought I would see demonic entities possessing people for a long time after reading Broken Ideals in a PMD story at least. Guess I was gravely mistaken.
I really was waiting for whatever the first real plot divergence would turn out to be, and here it is. Like... I originally thought this was just going to be 'oh her de der lets go on our first mission in the guild yayayayaya' like most first missions in the guild are in PMD fics, but... this turned out to be so much more.
I'm truly interested in how far your going to go with Dark Matter now. You already had me tensing up with that reanimated corpses scene, and this is just the beginning of the guild arc. I can't imagine how bad it gets later on...
Either way, I'm going to continue reading now. But, I now know why everyone was saying it got so much better on chapter 22. In any case, see you later.
| Miner7365 chapter 20 . 8/27/2018
I... didn't expect that Snubbull. Nor that Kek reference with Mr. Kek. Or that thing about the Fidget Spinner. Did... they just walk from backcountry-ville into this world's equivalent to New York or something?
Well, at least it was funny... either way, see you whenever I finish off this binge-reading I have found myself in.
| Miner7365 chapter 14 . 8/26/2018
Two issues with this chapter.
- You... kinda consistently misspelled Giratina as Giritina.
- Feel like the introduction to the "Dark land emissary" should have been given more time. I mean, I know we as the reader know it's all one big ploy, but... idk, I think it deserved a bit more time at least with the introductory line.
Other then that, this chapter is solid. Just figured I would point out those two things since they seemed odd.
| Miner7365 chapter 13 . 8/26/2018
""Hiya Sage!" he called upon seeing me enter. "Like my scarf?""
I... was about to comment on how the story seemed to be getting dull again after the Leah and Sage drama got resolved, but then this happened... oh god no.
He went to pay a visit to everybody's favorite tree, didn't he? Oh dear... that's not good.
In being honest, I expected the first plot deviations to come later, post-serene village, but... yeah here is one, just sitting and taunting me in the face. To be honest, I'm really curious as to see where you take this, but I'll comment more on that whenever this comes into importance if at all. See you then, I guess.
| NoVaMawile chapter 20 . 8/17/2018
I'm this far in, and this story is without a doubt, a diamond in the rough! I love the exceptionally detailed world-building, but my favorite part has to be the characters (will espurr be back soon?) ... probably shoulda read this story before reading your oneshot, but oh well. At least you did well not to spoil anything in it, haha. On another note, I never figured Serene village would sit in a valley before, but it makes perfect sense when you rlly think about it.
If I had one criticism, it would be that your prose occasionally creates some awkward phrases here and there. A lot of it is flowery, usually in a good way... but in a couple places, not as much. For the most part though your prose is still above average. I'll read more soon!
| Miner7365 chapter 6 . 8/13/2018
Guess I should mention that I accidentally clicked the post review button for the last review before I managed to finish it. Oh well. Either way, not much to say on this chapter. Besides the same old same old issues that do see to be appearing a bit less now in this chapter, all I can really say is maybe try not to summarize as many scenes as I have been seeing summarized over these last few chapters... like the whole class day being told in 3 paragraphs or the entire dungeon downwards to Gabite being told as if it was a summarize.
In all honestly, that's the last real comment I have on these first several chapters. So this is also where my little review chain I have going here will end, unfortunately. I'll still do an overall review, when I get to chapter 33, but for now, I'm going to stop doing these chapter by chapter since it does take a decently long time and because I am running out of anything productive to say fast. That comment above was the real last thing I wanted to touch on, since I have been seeing it happening ever since the Nuzleaf talk down scene (Remember what I mentioned about them talking being described and not shown? Because I'm tempted to say that fits under here to.) But yeah... either way, see you in chapter 33 or 34 if you end up releasing that update before I manage to get there. Bye.
| Miner7365 chapter 5 . 8/12/2018
A few comments, as usual. I would comment on the prose, but I really summarized all I had to say on it in the last review, so I'll just focus on character developments and some funky sentences and get a move on to chapter 6.
"but not being able to rule out my own insantity was enough to give me dreadful pause."
Spelling error. Should be insanity. Not a big deal, but I figured I should point it out.
"I cringed inwardly"
Never heard of anybody cringing outwards, but okay then. Still think you overuse the word inwardly a bit much with verbs in these first few chapters, but maybe that is just me, I don't know.
"Espurr, and Pancham and Shelmet sitting in the back."
Weird list. Probably should've be 'Espurr, Pancham(,) and Shelmet sitting in the back.' or 'Espurr, and Pancham along with his lackey Shelmet sitting in the back.' Just throwing it out there.
"They were called a 'rescue team', and they went around saving pokemon in need and exploring uncharted areas. It claimed one of their leaders was a mythical Pokemon."
Hahahahahaha... oh boy, gotta love hearing speeches about yourself when you can't remember anything about them, now that is something. Jokes aside, nice bit of dramatic irony there.
And that's about everything. One other thing I would like to note is that... the whole fact that Sage just kind has a 180 opinion shift about Leah near the end of the chapter. I mean, I know why you did it, so that the whole Drilbur cave scene could happen as normal, but... idk, something just doesn't feel right with the direction taken in general, if that makes any sense.
| Miner7365 chapter 4 . 8/12/2018
This is a short little bridge chapter covering Foreboding Forest, so I don't have much to say on it contents wise. I'll get what I do have to say out of the way though, since I might as well.
Okay, so, I already see the first ship of the story here, Sagespurr, as I believe it has been dubbed. Overall, I want to comment now that I am not fond of romance, so do not expect me to really comment on developments involving that. Of course, if something is jarring as all fuck, I'll say something, but besides that, I will just focus on the portion I'm happy with focusing on, also known as the plot and the non romance character developments.
Either way, this chapter in general felt... dull almost, although I can see it is meant to just be a transitional one. There were a few repeat issues from earlier chapters. Namely, inconsistent capitalization or non-capitalization of pokémon names, odd kinks in the dialogue, overuse of I in the beginning of sentences, and yada yada yada. There was also some new things that bugged me here, things such as the weird descriptions of a them talking when dialogue would have been much more appropriate, along with just some wonky word choices in general, some of which I'll get to now in the quotation section. There are not nearly as many as all the chapters before, but I'll get them out of the way here and now.
"she responded. A look of happiness adorned her features."
Personally, this might be me bugging out way to much then justified at lines such as this, but... this bugs me. In being honest, I would have just said 'she said, smiling back at me.' because this description feels way too drawn out and way too much on the tell side of show don't tell, but perhaps that is just me rambling on. It just bugs me.
"I could see, to my satisfaction, the displeasure that poured out of Shelmet's and Pancham's body language."
Again, just another weird sentence in general. Originally, I planned on showing how I probably would have done this, but then I realized that would probably sound extremely pompous on my part, so I didn't. Still though, I would recommend trying to make this sentence sound more organic, try to lower down on terms that sound really weird to find in prose; terms like body language and features. Be more specific, and try to show more than you are telling.
I would pick up more quotations, but they all follow the same formula. The text just seems to suffer from tell and no show syndrome, several things having been spelled out for the reader that really could have been implied. (One of the not so great cases of this being 'I added sheepishly, uncomfortable with taking so much credit.' where the entire line after the comma feels more than unnecessary, as the reader can just take in the fact that he was uncomfortable by the fact that he was talking sheepishly.) I did mention these seemingly unnecessary lines before, but I had to bring it up again, since it seemed to become much more prominent in this chapter.
Either way, this turned out a little bit more on the critical side, but considering there is still more than thirty chapters after this, I am still guessing this is just a result of early bad writing syndrome and all of that. See ya whenever I get around to the next chapter or the last chapter, depending on whether I feel like being a masochist and continuing to do this, or just reading through the rest and reviewing based on the story's merits in general. In any case, see you when I make that choice.