Reviews for Inheritance
Waging Wonder chapter 4 . 9/10/2017
I know I seem to say this a lot, but that was amazing. I loved Samus tearing through the pirate ship, though she failed to sabotage much because of such heavy resistance. Her forced retreat was nothing short of spectacular, especially with her leaping from fighter to fighter in space. Her rather nonchalant view of death as she fell was also quite appropriate. Considering how many times she has faced death, its comes as no surprise to me that such a prospect would ultimately bore her.

I am really curious about what the Chozo cubes were all about, especially since the pirates hadn't seemed to be making use of them.

Anyhow, this was another amazing chapter and I will be reading the next one soon.
Waging Wonder chapter 3 . 9/8/2017
Wow, holy crap, I wasn't expecting a full-on space battle! Damn, you really know how to write some amazing action. I loved the pure chaos aboard the Diomedes and how, of course, after a bit of surprise, Samus immediately springs into action. I like how she barreled through the marines to get to her armor because there was no time to explain. Also, how you detailed the loss of atmosphere as a hurricane as the ship depressurized when was really cool, not to mention Samus's battle through space toward the pirate's flagship.

Did you have to destroy the gunship though, that sucks. I mean, it was awesome and unexpected, but I felt bad for Samus. In the games, Samus is pretty much always alone and so I always kind of saw the gunship as a companion to her. Sure, its a companion that doesn't say anything, but still, in Samus's solitary life, I can't help but feel that she would see the ship as more than just a tool, if only because it was a gift from the Chozo.

But anyway, this is amazing and I look forward to seeing Samus fight her way through the pirate vessel in order to destroy this new weapon, as well as uncovering what's behind this splinter fleet's odd behavior.

Good work!
Waging Wonder chapter 2 . 9/7/2017
Again, I must say your characterization of Samus really shines. I love how she only listens with half an ear at all the explanations presented by the tribunal and Nakamura. I liked the contrast between everyone blabbing at Samus, while she herself is nearly silent, actively sifting all the information together into a bigger picture.

I also really like the small army waiting for her on the Diomedes to ensure her compliance. Considering her power and reputation, I would have been dissapointed otherwise.

All in all, you are building a very fine mystery here and it even looks like I'm going to see some action in the next chapter. I am looking forward to reading it!
Waging Wonder chapter 1 . 9/5/2017
This is an excellent introduction with a smooth flow, clear descriptions, and interesting dialogue.

I really like your portrayal of Samus here, it feels like the most organic and appropriate characterization of her that I've read so far. I also loved that she has allowed the Federation to capture her just because they were starting to annoy her. I think such an action fits Samus to a T. Of course, it seems Samus's true intent by letting her self be arrested is to uncover some kind of shady activity. I also really liked Samus's opinion of the ship's name Diomedes. The implication is that Samus feels a connection to Diomedes because they are both warriors that have drawn the blood of gods... very nice.

So awesome job, and I'll be reading and reviewing more of your story soon.
Ten ways to spoil dinner chapter 5 . 9/1/2017
Y'know, ending last chapter with such a huge moment, then opening this chapter with such a nice, tender moment really gives me a case of blue birds!

I really wanted to make that joke.

The descriptions used during the scenes with childhood Samus are adorable. Stomping to the bathroom, attacking her hair. It's cute to just imagine little Samus huffing like that.

[We'll have the rest of that stir fry from Friday, ok?]

I wonder if they call it Stir Friday?

...this scene is shifting from sweet and nostalgic to horrifying, and I don't know why I didn't see this coming.

[It was only thirty yards, then twelve, then she was there and she threw herself against her door but it wouldn't open when she hit the panel and she was stuck outside and she kept hitting the panel and it wasn't working and the wind was roaring all around her and she was so scared.]

I have mixed feelings. This might just a normal run-on sentence, but it also kinda works here, as if the narrator was as breathlessly scared as I imagine Samus to be. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not.

[they hit the side of a building with cracks at hurt her ears]
That instead of at.

[Her shirt sleeve ripped was ripped along with the skin of her elbow.]
Extra ripped.

-

It was really interesting seeing your interpretation of Samus' childhood and the attack on K2L. There was a lot of vivid detail and you were very fluid in transitioning from the nice, naive memories to the dark and gritty terror. Only a few minor errors in the writing, otherwise another great chapter.
Ten ways to spoil dinner chapter 4 . 9/1/2017
Oh boy, finally taking some time to catch up! I've got a few chapters to binge, so I'll probably save general comments until I'm done and just focus on a few nitpicks. Don't wanna seem too... nitpicky, but I also don't wanna spend more time writing reviews than reading this fine work!

[A moment later she skidding out into the hallway]
Guessing there should be a was there.
[confined by ice for the next couple seconds]
And an of here.
-

Wow! That was a great way to end the chapter. Seriously, what a great clincher. Well, I'm gonna go and read the next chapter now, because I /have/ to see how that turned out.
OnePunchFan8 chapter 6 . 8/25/2017
great chapter! can't wait to see how samus deals with a metroid without the ice beam.
OnePunchFan8 chapter 4 . 8/10/2017
Wow, another great chapter! I really liked how samus's suit absorbs energy from recently killed creatures, that's always how I thought samus regained health.
oh yeah, is samus wearing the metallic suit or the "omega" suit from the end of fusion?
Ten ways to spoil dinner chapter 3 . 8/4/2017
I really like the opening paragraph. The descriptions are on-point, and the way you describe her meditation is poetic. It's a strong introduction.

[Her previous path through this ship had been too circuitous so she was relying on pure intuition from her time on other Federation ships to find the straightest route to her current destination.]

Small potatoes, since the chapter so far has been written so well, but this sentence sticks out from the rest of the chapter and slows down the momentum. Partly, it's because the sentence is longer than average, but also it's the word choice. Intuition, Federation, destination. A lot of -tion ending words close to each other. It doesn't roll off the tongue very well. The word circuitous also has a lot of syllables, and is a bit of a tongue twister. It's not a bad sentence, but it might not fit this situation.

[worry about than her, and and on any military vessel]

Extra and.

[There were a few crashes as the two soldiers were rendered into a state of no longer blocking the hallway]

This made me chuckle. As always your writing has just a tinge of humor. It blends well with the heat-of-the-moment action. It's kind of like a MCU action-scene.

[Then they met and she was whole once more.]

This is a great scene-clincher. Simple and evocative.

[The Diomedes bridge was blazing with tinted combat lighting, automated systems in the seats deploying the last of the main crew's void suits onto their bodies even as they worked the controls.]

This sentence is a bit long. I tried reading it out loud because I wasn't sure, and I was starting to lose my breath towards the end. Honestly, you could can just split it into two sentences right along the comma.

[The suit's haptic feeds and subtle audio queues integrated everything even remotely relevant into her awareness in a way that even the best computer terminal could only dream of pound and a half of Chozo computing directing all that could equal anything on this ship short of a full Aurora unit but right now Samus was mostly busy convincing those same systems that it wasn't worth smashing through every bulkhead in a straight line to her gunship in the hanger.]

Nevermind what I said before, now I'm out of breath. lol This needs to be cut up into two, maybe four, sentences. It's good writing, but it's bunched up.

[even if it could only mange this for a few more moments]

I assume that should be manage?

[A carful twist of her legs and she canceled out her rotational inertia]

Careful

-

And now I've reached the end and... wow. You have a knack for writing space battles. The writing reminded me of the Halo novelizations, there's a level of detail that you just don't find in most fanfiction, scifi or otherwise. It's hard for many writers to convincingly write action scenes without it becoming a laundry list of actions, but the writing here is vivid and compelling.

I am excited for the next chapter! Great job.

"A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader can give. Please use this golden opportunity to offer a well deserved praise and/or tips for improvement."

Signed,
Ten ways to spoil dinner
OnePunchFan8 chapter 3 . 8/4/2017
Very nice chapter! only problem I have is the paragraph explaining the influx of information samus's suit is providing her was a pretty big run on sentence.
Also you way of describing how the marines got incapacitated was pretty funny.
Ten ways to spoil dinner chapter 2 . 7/27/2017
We learned a lot in this chapter. Tribunals are boring and Nakamura is a little bit theatrical. I liked it! Overall there is still a strong use of descriptions and the plot is engaging. The new characters don't come off as being blank slates, Nakamura especially, and I'm really liking your interpretation of Samus. This is certainly the first fic I've read where she's 50 years old at this point in the timeline. I didn't expect that. Usually I see her depicted as in her late 20s / early 30s, but given the Chozo enhancements, I suppose this is a real possibility.

There were a few sentences I kept track of while I was reading. Usually it was because there was a small error. Given this is a longer chapter, I felt like I should point out a few specific instances of these errors because combing through this chapter would take a lot longer.

[The corridor had of the long walls occupied with a transparent window looking into a parallel room.]

This sentence straight up confused me. I'm not sure what you were going for here, so I can't recommend a fix.

[A black haired man in an unmarked dark jacket stood with his back to them, looking out at the banks of specialists and flanked on each side by a taller man and woman in uniforms bristling with marks of rank.]

This sentence should be split into two, maybe three, sentences. It's just too long to read comfortably.

"A black haired man in an unmarked dark jacket stood with his back to them. He was flanked on each side by a taller man and woman in uniforms bristling with marks of rank as he looked out at the banks of specialists."

[So this was the man controlling all this.]

Repetition of "this" makes the sentence sound vague. You could also take the sentence out and the surrounding paragraph wouldn't read differently. You could replace "all this" with "everything", but the sentence would still feel superfluous.

[After a few moments of more typing the woman finally looked dup and inspected Samus' face]

Minor mistake, looked dup.

[What could possible be worth all the money it took to operate this massive thing?]

Also minor; possibly, not possible.

[He'd still be fine on the ship when Samus got back but it still, as she heard his voice smoothly reciting answers to all their questions and accusation, it felt uncomfortably like she was being mocked by someone close to her.]

This sentence feels clunky. I'm not a grammar expert so I can't state the exact cause, but if we re-arranged the sentence like so:

"He'd still be fine on the ship when Samus got back, but as she heard his voice reciting answers to all their questions and accusations it felt uncomfortably like she was being mocked by someone close to her."

I think it was the comma placement. I'd also suggest leaving out the adverb, like I showed here. Adverbs are nice, but if you use a lot of them they start to lose their punch. The sentence is already getting a little long, so it might be better to take it out.

[Old lessons of meditation came to her mind and as her stare locked on the head of the tribunal up on his bench while her mind was cast out to the infinite web of existence that surrounded them all to the edge of the universe.]

This sentence needs restructuring. I'm having a lot of trouble following what's going on here. I think there might be too many glue-words here. I have this issue in my writing too. You can cut out a lot of words here without changing the sentence's meaning, and everything should be clearer when you do.

["So much wisdom held within. Now they're gone and we're just left with frustration. If only we could strip away the ornamentation and get to the thrust of what they were saying."]

This sentence isn't an issue at all. I just wanted to let you know I laughed out loud at this. Cultural blue-balls. Admittedly thrust may have been a little on the nose, I have a feeling he knew what he was doing there! ;)

Aside from those examples given, the writing was great. I hope there will be plenty more where this came from!

"A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader can give. Please use this golden opportunity to offer a well deserved praise and/or tips for improvement."

Signed,
Ten ways to spoil dinner
OnePunchFan8 chapter 1 . 7/27/2017
great work! the anticipation is building!
quarksify chapter 2 . 7/27/2017
This is great so far. Your Samus feels exactly like the Samus I've always wanted to see. Waiting warmly for the next chapter.
Ten ways to spoil dinner chapter 1 . 7/23/2017
Post-Fusion Metroid stories are pretty hot right now. I'm really glad for that, because it's such an unexplored space in the Metroid storyline with so many possibilities. Since this is the first chapter, I'm very excited to see where you take this. You've got a good writing style with a tinge of humor built into the narrative's tone that I found charming. Don't know if you have a beta or a second pair of eyes to look over your work, though. There were a few small mistakes I saw, mostly an extra space around a comma and a missing word. Small stuff.

[Catching herself , Yin]

[as she blinked surprise]

Small stuff that won't get caught by word processors. Nothing big.

I hope you'll be able to post more chapters soon, I'm looking forward to them!

"A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader can give. Please use this golden opportunity to offer a well deserved praise and/or tips for improvement."

Signed,
Ten ways to spoil dinner
OnePunchFan8 chapter 1 . 7/20/2017
holy shit, a competent author writing a metroid story? sign me up!
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