|Reviews for Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Canon Breakage|
| MadderJacker chapter 6 . 10/27/2019
I’ve put this off for way too long, given how much time has passed since chapter 5. I had to go reread just to remind myself and make sure everything was fresh. So from here on out I’ll probably have to review everything as I read it.
With chapter five, along with chapter four, there was a not insignificant amount of info dumping as Aria kept explaining the mechanics to Mike bit by bit (it’s no surprise that she saw right through him), and at times it felt almost suffocating. I feel like if those chapters weren’t split I would have needed a break at Aria’s aura explanation. I guess that comes with the upload schedule and the eagerness to explain the world? I dunno.
Though if it helps, the explanations themselves were interesting and well-thought out. Very believable for a magic system. So while things did grind to a halt outside of the dungeon, I was still listening.
And speaking of that dungeon, it had some really good descriptions in it! In both chapters. Like, its initial reveal gave me incredibly cinematic vibes, like holy shit I can’t even explain it. And Mike’s struggles were pretty fun to watch initially. Even if a lot of it came in the form of quips, I’m starting to accept that it’s a core part of either your style or their dynamic. Probably the former. The fight though was pretty anticlimactic though. The most intense part happened offscreen, and it was over in like… what, two seconds when Jolteon showed up? I know you said your meta was all about speed and quick fights, but still man.
The reveal though. Mike seeming to be immune to attacks… I can’t remember if I said it to you before, but I really like the idea of nullifier characters. And one that’s not conventionally strong too is something you don’t see often. I just wish that there was more to unpack, because as is I don’t have a damn clue what it could mean.
But onto chapter six! The story part of the story finally begins again. We learn a bit more about Aria, about the town, about Aria again, the cute scene with the junior explorers made me crack a smile… Man, let me just say it’s so nice to see the story start to unfold. I’m proud of you.
I really wish I had more to say, but I don’t have much to guess at and unpack. You’re keeping your cards hidden too well. It’s a cute chapter with a few hints at Aria’s intentions, but she’s such a casual character that I just can’t get a read on her. So like, all I can do is say how cute everything was, and gosh dang it give me more meat to chew over! How am I supposed to form theories when all I know is that there was some sort of falling out with her old partners! I can’t fill out several more paragraphs with theories unless I just guess wildly about what’s going on! How the hell am I supposed to end this review now?! Like this?!
| qmzr chapter 6 . 10/3/2019
I've liked this fic for quite a while now, and I probably should've left a review earlier. It made me remember my old childhood dream of being dropped in a PMD game that I still kinda have and I love the relationship bw the two despite them having known each other for such a short amount of time and Mike's current handicap/advantage of an ability.
Also have you considered posting this fic on some other sites like ao3 or wattpad? It might help get some more fans like me
| TehSammichMan chapter 5 . 9/21/2019
I’ve been pretty much backed up nonstop the last few days whether it be work or school and I feel really bad for not having tackled the last bits of this earlier. Best part about delivering pizzas is that there’s a lot of downtime for listening to this awful TTS lady. Let’s get into it.
The biggest and most glaring issue regarding this fic is its own sense of snark. I can’t count on both hands the amount of times Aria and Mike go off on complete tangents in order to take playful jabs at one another. It’s not even about the fact these exchanges go on for way too long more than it is about how *frequently* these exchanges occur. These snide comments can be used as important tools for characterization when, but from the outside perspective, too many can lead to some irritation.
These exchanges can be much more deftly implemented to avoid derailing the plot at any given moment and, in some cases, killing the tension of a scene. All with the same benefit of the strong and direct characterization you already have going for you.
That gives me a nice segue into my next gripe, and probably the biggest piece of advice I could give you. Just get to the point. In many parts, the dialogue moves at a snails pace (honestly, I think a lot of this is due to how weird TTS sounds but the point still stands) and encourages skipping ahead a few lines just to get to the point of what someone’s trying to say. Beating around the bush with ultimately useless questions just to prompt an even deeper explanation causes unnecessary clutter and loses the reader’s attention. I struggled with this for a while personally, especially as it pertained to adjectives. To avoid the unnecessary clutter, and by proxy to make your prose sound less clunky, try and follow the ‘less is more’ rule. Say what you want to say, but in as little words as possible while still retaining the passage’s original meaning.
All in all, though, you have a pretty solid few chapters here. I’m interested in seeing how the plot progresses given all the meta differences already established between this and EoTDS. Stop falling into the editing trap and just worry about writing bro. The fic is solid and intriguing enough to continue without overthinking about constantly fixing every little aspect, trust me.
| KeinNiemand chapter 2 . 8/28/2019
Why do I have to think about DBZA right now?
| Ambyssin chapter 1 . 8/9/2019
Well, isn't this cheeky?
I'm gonna get the obvious nitpick out of the way and say that, technically, with the verbal bombs Mike's dropping, this should be rated M. But, let's face it, lots of people skew the T/M separation... including people in our lovely little PMD circle.
I think where you're at your best is with the banter. Which, fortunately, makes up the bulk of this introductory chapter that would otherwise just be Beach Cave. I'm not just talking about the banter between characters (namely Mike and Aria), though. In some cases, I honestly think there's banter between the stuff Mike says and the narrator. The parts where it's Mike POV features enough snark and deadpan one-liners that I view the narrator as a separate character. Especially with the opening line. Usually I'm a bit iffy on lemony narrators because they can be a really tough feat to pull off and, if it's done well, makes me cringe and want to stop reading altogether. I didn't find that to be the case here. Again, due to some of the snark... but also do to the fact that it's littered with references and goodies for PMD (and even main-line game) fans to enjoy.
Which is why, to me, the part where Mike and Aria are in Beach Cave and playing things much closer to the source material is pretty... bland. There's Mike's blast seed affinity and his amnesia fake-out routine is good for a chuckle, but otherwise there's nothing out there really distinguishing it from all the other dungeon-crawling bits you find in other PMD fics. I understand that you plan to diverge things much more as things go on, but frankly I do think it's in your best interest to keep actual dungeon exploration to the bare minimum unless you can come up with a way to make things fresh. I'd suggest more banter but, to be honest, if you do that too much with the dungeon crawling, you run the risk of making it feel stale in the parts where it should shine. And I don't think Mike will be able to keep feigning amensia. Something's bound to happen to make him slip-up.
I'm curious exactly how much things will diverge. The biggest part so far is the repeated mention of Aria's parents — which, by the way, a riolu fretting over her MIA parents... where have I heard that before? :P — who I'm guessing are the blaziken/lucario couple I've gotten to see through Discord. No idea what role they'll play. Far too early for me to guess. But, yeah, that's all I got. This isn't going to stop you belittling my taste in pokémon, I'm sure. XP
| Shamekeeper12 chapter 1 . 8/7/2019
Hey man, thanks again for your review of Home is Far! I suppose it's time to return the favor—even though it has been a couple years. xD
I enjoyed the parody-like mood this chapter has. It's innovative in that the protagonist has the same understanding of the games as the reader, which seems to blur the boundary separating the fourth wall from the rest of the story, and serves to provide intrigue when Mike's expectations are subverted. Overall, quite a refreshing read.
Blast Seed spam is also very appreciated.
"With convenient timing, the very next thing they found was a set of stairs built into the floor, seemingly going down into nowhere." As someone who's curious about stairs in dungeons myself, I would've liked to see you expand on this a little. Perhaps add in a little sensory detail as Mike observes and enters the stairwell. Is the bottom pitch black? Is there a breeze or sound coming from below? What's it like to cross the threshold between floors—or is such a threshold even perceptible?
One thing I noticed: Mike's reactions in battle are somewhat dubious given his new body. Apart from the initial struggle with posture, he doesn't seem very inhibited at all during moments when agility and dexterity matters. I would have appreciated more time spent on Mike getting used to being a treecko. Perhaps Aria notices something strange about his gait, or maybe how his posture/movement improves and gets more fluid as the chapter progresses.
"-leven, twelve. I've got twelve of them." Ah, a dozen. The best number... I see you're a man of culture as well. Jokes aside, it seems realistic to me that explorers would take inventory of their supplies before a big fight. I often see the logistics aspect of PMD fics ignored, so I really liked this planning scene.
Between Mike's thought processes, his deliberate dialogue with Aria, and his interrogation of Team Skull, we can gather that he is an inquisitive, intellectual individual. I like how, in warning Aria of a potential ambush, he justifies his usefulness to her as more than just a Blast Seed grenadier.
That said, I also like the fact that conflict still exists between the two characters. Mike is still somewhat of a goof whereas Aria is a morre independent, no-nonsense kind of character. I think you've set yourself up well for a good dynamic between these two.
Looks to be a strong start! I am genuinely interested in the Chapter 2 (which is saying a lot coming from someone who doesn't read much at all lol) Though, I am concerned this could turn into a fic with the same plot points as the game, but with different shenanigans. I hope to see this story continue to become an original work in its own right. At this point, however, it's a bit too early to tell, and I look forward to reviewing the next few chapters!
Best wishes on your writing endeavors. Until next time, happy living!
| invertigo chapter 5 . 7/11/2019
I'm excited to see how Mike can handle himself without any special moves or use items for himself throughout this altered version of Sky. Hopefully you come back to this fic in the near future.
| MagicAngelo chapter 5 . 7/5/2019
Hey hey, Turkey! So I want to preface this with the disclaimer that I am not as good of a reviewer as the others, but I will still do my best nonetheless!
So to start things off, I have to agree with everybody else and say that your dialogue is the best. Everything that Mike and Aria say to each other, it feels genuine and doesn’t feel like it drags on for too long. Even the other characters, who we have seen for only a short while, are their own characters and not like the two-dimensional cardboard cutouts from the games (still not forgiving you for what you did to wigglytuff, tho).
Mike’s inner monologue about his environment is great too, and is a very entertaining insight to his character (with the other 50% of his character coming out of his mouth, haha). Sometimes it does drag on for a bit, like when he got separated from Aria thanks to the outlaw. I’m assuming he is in a panic due to his relative inability to defend himself, and that Aria is gone, so to have him think back to his video game experience in the middle of that was a bit off. But not so much that it distracted from the story :)
I’m also wondering about what the plot is going to be, since there’s no chance that Mike is from the future (unless you pull out a spectacular twist later on). It’d be nice if you could drop a tidbit here and there hinting at the main plot, but it’s not my place to call the shots.
Anyway, all in all, I loved the story so far, I can’t wait to see what happens next, and also screw you for ruining my childhood memories of Wigglytuff (jk). I’m sorry if I sound like I’m rambling in places or don’t make sense.
| williamcll chapter 5 . 6/23/2019
Came wait for the next chapter
| FireFox2590 chapter 1 . 5/20/2019
I don't get the skull joke...
| Guest chapter 5 . 4/30/2019
Excellent writing keep it up. You've done a very good job at world building of how the moves work and that Aria actually lived in their society and not just spat out at the same time as the MC. You also do a good job of describing the setting to the reader as we go along. Now Mike has received his "powers" and i am happy that its something unique of using his hindrance to give him his own usefulness. I am also excited to see of whats to come from him keeping his memory and game knowledge. I will be keeping a close eye on this story for updates.
| Delta4Phoenix chapter 5 . 4/29/2019
Huh. Neat. Really. That is a good way to explain that. But I guess physical moves will still hurt.
| MadderJacker chapter 4 . 4/1/2019
Gah, I’m really late in getting around to this one. I got caught up (a real feat, I know) back in December and didn’t say anything, and now that you’ve really uploaded again (an actual feat), I think I’ve put this off long enough.
Oh, I should probably warn you real quick, it’s currently 2 in the morning and I’m a bit tired. But I’ll do my best!
On that note, let’s get this review started. I’m not gonna be like Goat and preamble forever.
Dialogue is easily the strongest aspect of your fic, and I’m glad that you focus on it. The conversations and quips thrown between Mike and Aria are charming and make them a believable pair. Even in the other characters, like Will and Clark, and all the other members of the guild, feel real. It’s like what Mike said: they’re not just lines of code anymore.
Sadly, there are times where you get a little bit carried away with your dialogue and the characters go off track, and they frequently need to bring themselves back to the topic at hand. That happens a lot in the most recent chapter. Mike will be sarcastic, Aria will respond, and then the joke end and one of them transitions back. It’s nothing too bad, and it could easily just be a character quirk, but it’s slightly distracting that it’s a recurring pattern.
That being said, I latch onto weird things, and the quips are still enjoyable nonetheless.
Onwards to the next point: the plot.
Really, there isn’t much of one. You’re four chapters in and it only feels like the plot is just starting. Pick up the pace, smh.
Yeah, but really though, the closest thing would be the meta shenanigans. And I do like what you’re doing with them. With all of Mike’s meta knowledge that he’s holding onto, and him pretending to learn new things for the first time. The Chunsoft remark made me drop my phone.
Please excuse me if this seems unfocused, but I’m feeling inspired.
Long-term, I’m not sure how far wit and sarcasm can carry this story, and I wonder what this will look like ten chapters down the road? And no, that’s not an opening to make the same joke you hear all the time about your non-existent upload schedule.
Even though it would be so easy to make.
Alas, I’m a better person than that. And I know you care for your characters and your fic, and you do feel genuinely guilty for letting readers down.
Surely, you don’t need me beating you over the head about that as well, do you?
Especially when you’ve got another chapter on the horizon! Good news! Can’t wait for it!
Uh… Oh right, this is supposed to be a review. I got off-track.
Please, excuse me. Let’s get back on track. I really like the alterations you’re making to the “game” to make it more fresh and interesting. Like pairing Mike up with a high-level expert who could wipe the floor with just about anyone in the guild (who isn’t drunk off his ass), and then making the bold decision to make it nearly impossible to have him use any moves. I wonder if it’ll stay that way? Forcing him to go utility and build things could be incredibly interesting, but, so could watching him try and fail to control simple moves like Quick Attack.
Don’t tell me though. I want to find out for myself. I’m more hoping for Mike trying to build a seed-launcher, but I’ll probably enjoy it either way.
Aria! I forgot to talk about her, didn’t I? She’s the perfect partner for Mike. Their chemistry is amazing, and I like what you’ve done with her backstory. Even if she’s still sitting on it. Changing the Explorers partner from a coward to a bold fighter is one thing, but giving her a history and practically making her the protagonist? I like her. Can’t wait to find out what happened to her in the years to co- … dang it. I made the joke. I am weak.
That’s about all I really have to say, but I’m glad to have the privilege to tell you that I’ll see you soon. Hopefully the next chapter will be out in a few weeks.
Epilogue: I’m sorry for the strange way this review is formatted. Short paragraphs, skipping from topic to topic like a dog chasing squirrels, having a dang epilogue in a review- it’s all strange. And I can’t even chalk it up to the time. Because, you see, I had an ulterior motive in this review. I did mean every word I said, but there’s a little bit more. And now you just have to find it~
| AarowTheBlacksmith chapter 4 . 3/18/2019
There are much bigger things to go after Chunsoft for, bitch, you wasted that. Anyway...
Wasn't an edge of your seat chapter or anything obviously, it served its purpose in establishing more stuff. I like how you interpreted storage. Still got way better dialogue than most others out there, probably the most distinguishing thing about your story. Bits of it felt repetitive, though, like you're overusing certain bits of banter or reactions to a revelation. But I'd rather you stick to what feels organic to you than over think it, so take that with a grain of salt.
The heal seed bit was a good setup for what's to come with Mike's disability, you get a sticker on the fridge for that. Overall, I think this chapter did its job well, establishment-wise. Not much else to say other than that if you make us wait a year for the chapter after next, I'm gonna get aggressive.
| Shadow of Antioch chapter 4 . 3/18/2019
I'm so glad to see that your story is still alive! While waiting times are a hassle (my audience can vouch for that, hehe... hehe...), I understand if it takes you a few months to write. Just ... don't forget about us, all right?
Anyway, I'll admit that nothing too exciting happened in this chapter-at least on the face of it. Mike and Aria mostly completed mundane errands, and while the dialogue they exchanged contained a surprising amount of development, the pacing did feel quite slow as a result. For instance, I feel like the discussion over Kangaskhan's Storage being underground went on for a bit too long, as was their discussion with Kangaskhan herself.
The dialogue, however, was a work of art as it always is. Their banter slides off the screen like butter, and to be honest, it's some of the most organic and believable dialogue I've ever read. The two of them feel like real people with real friction between them. I WISH I could write dialogue half as good as yours. Also, the banter is totally that they'll end up together. Mike x Aria 2026! (Get it? 2026? All those years from now?)
The section I liked the most was when they argued over whether Mike should come along on the mission. It was cute to see Aria worry over Mike's safety, and I'm frankly surprised Mike didn't mention a feeling of being treated as a child. That would be a big one for me. As for the reveal at the end, I'm not too sure how to take it. I suppose it feels a bit ... strange that he can't use healing items. If he takes damage, is he ever going to heal? Will his body react in a pseudo-human way and heal slowly? Perhaps finding out in a more urgent scenario would have been better, but this works too.
I'm excited to see what Drenched Bluff will be like. Remember, other than character interactions/depth, your other strong point is subverting the reader's expectations. Throwing curveballs. Use that to your advantage next chapter, and you'll reach 500 followers before you can even click "publish". How will Mike handle his condition without the aid of blast seeds? By tripping his enemies? Spitting in their eye? Running in circles at break-neck speed until the enemy becomes tired? And how will the situation play out? Don't lose sight of the greater plot, too-we still haven't gotten too many windows into it, and the curiosity is killing me. Showing even a snippet would make the reader even more excited for the next chapter.
I trust in your ability to surprise me. Until then, keep on writing.