This chapter was okay. The beginning was strong with Percy reasoning his actions and all, and the reactions of his friends.

That said, your fake Raphtalia was... badly done. The speed in which Percy stumbles upon her, specifically her being a White Fang member, was suspension of disbelief snapping. You ha shin sit down, get a drink, and bam there she is. You should have probably had him be there for a few hours, imbibingnoj some alcohol and letting his inhibitions lower abit so as to make why he was so forthcoming to a stranger more believable, especially as you’ve already shown him to be very cautious.

The thing you’re doing with Jaune as the replacement... I’m not sure I like it. Not at all. Because it really is you clearing that Percy is being replaced, and that he no longer has a place with his friends. The people he’s closest to after losing an entire world of people. Seems really fucking bleak. Not to mention they now have absolutely no way of contacting eachother either. Piled on to this is now it seems with Percy out of Beacon and it’s sphere of influence, he definitely will no longer be able to change the outcome of canon events beyond what he’s somewhat snowballed... which means things can potentially be far worse than canon.

I dunno... it’s gonna take a a lot of good writing to pull off anything in spite of these multiple red flags I’m seeing. I know you have it in you, but not everything can go swell all the time.

I do know this story hasn’t been updated in short a year, so I hope that either as I continue reading you eventually come back to it either as a direct picking back up from where you left off, or a soft reboot where you go back to the expulsion section and take it differently. Because the whole concept and general execution has been good.

Also, do take what I say with a grain of salt. Everything I’ve said is in fact an opinion or tinted by it to some extent. While I’d like to say I have good writing instincts, a good grasp on narrative, and a decent knowledge of both universes... I’m not infallible.

That all said, keep up the good work.

I’m... not sure I like how this went. I can see the reasons why Percy is leaving... but it’s so flawed when you consider the strength of this story being him interacting with the cast. Him leaving is something that eliminates that. Like, seriously. Either he needs to be accepted back into the school after a month or two on his own, or honestly you've ruined so much potential that was built up. I mean honestly, how can his team even function as a 3-man squad without their 4th member and team leader?

It’s just feels super forced, especially the whole politics thing.
You have my benefit of the doubt, but it’s at the limits.

On a side note, I hope Percy starts looking into using dust. Then being shard of super powered elements, him incorporating Wind, Earth, Lightning, Water, and Ice Dust(Maybe in Vials hung on a bandolier on top of his cuirass and a belt as well) could take his combat and supernatural abilities to new heights, like either far more prolonged heavy use, or super empowered massive bursts that are similar to if a full god were to do the same effect.

So, a little disappointed with this chapter. Percy just seemed so... not there. Passive. Canon conversations happening almost the exact same with no changes or additions with Percy there, and I think we all know he’s a bit of a talker and quipper. So yeah, this chapter almost felt like a waste of time reading as literally nothing new happened of any import such as even a offhand comment about Weiss acting like a bitch from what he can see in the past two interactions he’s observed of her.

I was looking forward to seeing how Percy worked with his team at Beacon. But I can respect taking him out to do other things. I am curious about what you have planned so I hope there will be another chapter eventually. This is a really good story and I do hope that you continue with it. Please keep up the good work.

Browsing PJO Crossover fics one night, I decide to binge one with RWBY, a show I’ve never actually watched yet always, from the outside, thought looked cool. The writing seemed competent, the premise seemed well considered, and the potential for new Percy pairings ran deep. What did I find? A decent beginning to a story that, quite honestly, seemed a touch uncertain as to what it wanted to be. Let’s break it down into what I liked, what I didn’t, and the grey in between.

Starting off positive, your take on Percy, while clearly a deviation from his canon portrayal, possessed more nuance than your typical “Edgy rebirth after Tartarus” incarnation, which is in essence the trope you’ve appropriated(and for good reason, as there’s a lot you can do with that premise so long as you’re smart about it). He’s a little OOC at times, but rarely to an offensive degree, and it honestly results in decent dividends when we DO get to see his true Percy charm playing off the rest of the cast. To that end, I obviously don’t have enough experience with RWBY’s cast to comment on their portrayal here, but as I enjoy watching their interactions with one another and Percy, that seems it should count for something. Additionally, your fight sequences are well crafted, a fact that benefits both series on display.

On to the in between, deviating from the canon storyline can make for an enriching move, but only when the end result is greater or at least equal to the alternative. So far, I’m undecided if you’ve managed that here. Some choices have been truly inspired, such as the rearranging of the Hunter teams. Others have been incredibly interesting while also serving to underline the different nature of this fic, for better and worse, such as Percy’s run in with the White Fang. Others still… well, I’ll get to that in a minute. Before that though, finishing off the grey area by noting that OCs, much like canon divergence, can range from inoffensive to spectacular, so long as they’re well considered. This one’s riding a line though, and it’s petering closer to Mary Su territory than I especially care for.

Lastly, we reach the dislikes, and I’m not gonna dance around the question: What is gained splitting Percy away from his team THIS early? The two greatest joys of reading a crossover of this type to me are watching the fish-outta-water(that being Percy) interact with and adapt to this new cast and their differently written personalities, and this new world with its new rules. I get that you’re trying to pander to the second draw, but damn do I not agree with the call. Firstly as I personally enjoy the character aspect of crossovers more(which, to put bluntly, based off of the 12 chapters that I read seems to play more to your strengths than world building/exploration), secondly because Percy had only just started building his rapport with the main cast and already has some soul searching and trust rebuilding before we could theoretically reestablish, and lastly because the dude’s fatal flaw is literally loyalty, making his moral stand a betrayal of his own virtues on top of everything else. Watching Percy playing X-factor to the main cast was my favorite part of this story, and if/when it ever continues, I beg you find some way to allow the main four at the very least some level of sustainable contact.

I was sorry to hear how badly the criticism has gotten to you and your motivation to keep writing this. Not that I’m in a super position to be offering comfort, seeing as I just got done critiquing and all, but just know that I write all this with only good intentions, just as I’m sure you seek to provide only the best through your story. Hopefully most of the rest is being offered up in equally good faith, and for those not… eh, fuck ‘em.

PS: Didn’t really know where to fit this in, but the fact that it’s been a year down to the day since you last updated this puppy is, like, at least 20% of why I’m writing this review. The other 80’s just a testament to how much I enjoyed reading it this evening, though. Serendipity’s a funny thing.

Update please

Ohh after reading this story again I realized you based raphtalia fro the shield hero anime. Anyways looking forward to the direction you take this story

I liked the premise but some parts of the whole fic felt off to me. I don't know, I think it was the dialogue? It seemed like Percy and everyone else, mainly Pyrrha, were really closed off and impersonal. When I think of one of the RWBY characters I think off vibrant, personal people. They have powerful personalities coupled with dreams and hopes and... Well, people stuff. I didn't get that from this. It felt too robotic.
Still, I liked plenty of other parts of it. The combat was well written and I'm glad to see somebody who wrote out of Beacon. It's not the center of the universe for RWBY and that you went a bit beyond that was nice, though it derailed Percy from the plot quite a bit. Overall a nice read for an afternoon. Thanks for writing.

Looking forward to another update, read this in one go. First review cause I really liked the detail and very minor grammar mistakes, which is appreciated in comparison to the abundance of stories here. I also like how you made this story your own, changing the teams and Percy actually showing his rash side that can show in the figure of authority or when something goes against his belief. Keep it up man, you’re doing great!

Where’s the update

Meh, I really dont see it as an oc if its based on andooks like a character. The only way I would consider is an oc is drastic changes in design and personality, which is why I think of most crossover Narutos as in name only. Can it really even be considered a crossover if a character was born (not reborn) into a different world, given a dfferent upbringing, personality, powers, and design? The only thing that would link them to their original origin would be sparse name drops or cameos, maybe an ability or two. Sorry for rambling in the reviews. I just dont understand why they're labeled crossovers, Popularity I guess.

Read this in one go. Overall, it was a good read. I do agree with the readers that didnt like Percy leaving Beacon, given that he only just joined. If he had to leave I think after the fall of Beacon would've been better (Don't want to see Pyrrha die... :'( ). It would have been interesting to have relationships and team dynamics grow deeper before they fall apart. But at the same time, it would be interesting to see him move on his own while still impacting canon in an indirect way. Only down side is that I truthfully dont really like OCs. At least for now you used an existing character, albeit from another LN, but still existing and therefore I can relate too. Anyways, it was a fun read. Hope you keep up the good work!

please continue this story, I really enjoyed reading this! :)

Is that part, at the beginning, a JoJo reference.

Also, try to cut down on word repetition.

Percy CAN'T use aura or is his dormant?