|Reviews for Long lost family|
| CompletelyAnonymousxd chapter 2 . 8/6
I'm mainly talking about more logical errors here.
1. Percy's reaction to having a brother is pretty weak, aside from saying "Wow I finally have a brother". He doesn't ask how Jordan's been doing or where he was all these years. It's a reunion between two siblings, which should be heartwarming. But let's say the situation was urgent and they had to leave now, which they did, but there should be some time to get to know each other better. And then they hug later? I know they're siblings and all but you don't just warm up to a stranger just because you have common blood. If anything they're more like distant cousins.
2. So Percy and Annabeth just leave with a stranger? Everyone just trusts Jordan just because he can control water? Percy didn't even ask where's the group or ask for proof, because as far as they knew, there was only CHB, and later CJ. In HoO, everyone was skeptical on both sides that a Greek/Roman counterpart existed. There's nothing like that here. I mean, they're demigods, so following a stranger they just met an hour ago into the unknown is a dumb decision. I'm pretty sure they had to at least meet Chiron too for permission.
3. No one freaks out when a huge Hellhound appears at their camp? Granted, Jordan was on it so the Guardians wouldn't have attacked, but if I saw a massive Hellhound shadow travel to my camp borders with two people on its back, the two guys wouldn't be what I noticed, it would be the shadow monster from Tartarus the size of a car.
4. Again, they trust Emma Kinnoin without having met her prior? Jordan wasn't even present to affirm that she was one of his best members. The opposite is weird too. The whole camp just assumes Percy's their saviour with no doubt, and instantly welcome him on the assumption he's a good person.
5. "Gretal's eyes glowed and we turned back towards her". They were facing away from her, so how did they see that and turn back towards her?
6. So they receive a prophecy dictating that one will betray, and they just say "yep.". No reaction. No tension. Imagine you're a girl at a camp when two strangers appear with your leader, who's injured. Oh yeah, the Guardians don't ask why he's injured either. They just trust the two demigods that they didn't injure him. Anyway, you lead the two strangers whom you just met 5 minutes ago to the Oracle, and she says there will be a traitor. Conversely, two demigods appear at a new camp full of strangers and, from their Oracle, know that there's a traitor. And nothing happens. I can only assume you plan to address this in your next chapter because the way you left things makes it almost humorous even when it's not.
Dictating that there will be a traitor is something huge. It sets the mood for the oncoming events: distrust. Will Emma, Percy and Annabeth choose to tell everyone, or will they hide it, but always watching for anyone suspicious? Can they even trust each other? I really like that you said there would be a traitor, because it'll put the heroes on edge. So if you can show that tension and the suspense, it would be awesome.
| CompletelyAnonymousxd chapter 1 . 8/6
Right, firstly I do apologise if this comes out too harsh. I'm reviewing this on the idea that you want to improve. If you're just writing for the fun of it, then keep doing what you do. Take my advice if you want to.
The plot of a long lost sibling and a group is fine and I've no problems with it. As far as I can tell the only problems I have is that your dialogue and the logic is completely crazy. But I'll touch on descriptions and grammar first, which could use some work, along with punctuation. You seem to not use commas, ever. As for dialogue...
Most of your dialogue words are "said". It's fine to use "said", but overusing it makes the story bland. Use a mix, along with some adverbs and describing emotions, like the "said with a frown". More of that, but don't overdo it either. You have to strike a balance. Again, I recommend you look at other professionally written books to get an idea. It's a tough line to walk.
Also, I notice you use a lot of "and". Two examples I have: "I said and got out of bed and got dressed and headed outside", should be "I said, getting out of bed, getting dressed and heading outside" or "I said as I got out of bed, got dressed and headed outside".
"My name is Jordan and I'm the leader of the group called The Greek Guardians and I'm your brother Percy." should be "My name is Jordan, I'm the leader of the group called The Greek Guardians, and I'm your brother Percy."
Ok, the logic of the flow of the story is weird. Firstly, Percy can't just wake up and think "I wish I had more brothers". It's possible he could, but the thought generated itself from nowhere. If he was seeing other people have siblings, or something triggered his longing for siblings, than that would make sense, but simply waking up and just wish for more siblings is weird. I can see you're trying to foreshadow Jordan's arrival and make it seem coincidental, but since you already said in your summary and the title of the story itself that there would be a long-lost sibling, most of your readers can piece together that the "someone" is Percy.
Secondly, the conversation between Annabeth and Percy is plain out weird. They sound so formal and totally not like they're a couple or, depending on the timeline, very close friends. Honestly, they sound like robots. The same occurs to the conversation between Percy and Jordan. Jordan pretty nonchalantly says they're siblings. Also, it's never explained why Jordan was unconscious, nor is it asked. Even if it's important to the plot, like the reason will be revealed later, Percy doesn't even mention it.
Thirdly, you forget that there's other people in the camp. Just because Percy is the MC doesn't mean Grover should tell him that someone arrived. There are guards, Chiron and other demigods who are probably just as curious as to the unconscious guy outside camp, yet there's no mention of them. It's as if there's only the three of them at camp. So you can't have Annabeth, Grover and Percy handle the whole situation. Furthermore, they can't just let any unconscious guy into camp. He could be a monster or someone dangerous. At the very least, some precautions should be taken when bringing him to the infirmary.
Lastly, Jordan says "We need to go now." and then he follows up with "Well I guess we have some time to introduce myself". Huh? Where's the sense of urgency? It's contradictory.
Continuing on Chapter 2...
| OBOIOBOI chapter 1 . 1/9