|Reviews for The World We Once Knew|
| St Elmo's Fire chapter 1 . 2/17/2018
[Dystopian drabble. An agent makes a delivery.]
A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It's a writing exercise, not a term for any kind of short story. Also, while this summary might be acceptable for an actual drabble, for a story of this length you should really give a more detailed description.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
['6:12pm 2/16 THU' read the digital display]
Quote marks mean spoken dialogue. Italics or no special markers at all is standard for denoting written text.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[She figured the material had been cut from the backs of Mareep that could no longer battle, the ones too bruised and broken to be of much use.]
That seems unnecessarily macabre. Do they not get enough wool from normal mareep? Are mareep not like sheep, can you not harvest their wool continuously?
['Look at it! Look!' a voice screamed inside her head.]
You don’t need the quotes here.
Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion
[Not even the most brazen, foolish firebrands would chance being caught outside past curfew. The soldiers in charge of order within the cities (the new regime called them 'Peacekeepers'; the irony was palpable) were merciless in that regard. At best, you'd arrive on your doorstep the next morning a beaten and bloody mess; at worst, you'd never be heard from again. That was their way of handling things. Problems wouldn't resurface if the instigators ceased to exist.]
Actually no, they’ll resurface double. Push too hard and people will fight you to the last – if you kill them for even the slightest offense, what do they have to lose? If you kill peoples’ children, parents do not meekly wring their hands and bow down to you. They become suicide bombers.
["How do I know you are who you claim to be? Any imposter could go by that name."
"Green–" Blue started from scratch, she'd be damned if this was the time for protocol "–Gary couldn't make it. We decided to rotate our runners, so the plan changed. I'm here in his place."]
This isn’t any more believable. All it confirms is she knows who Gary is and that he was involved in this, which would be pathetically easy for any spy to find out. This is why people have callsigns and passcodes.
This is technically well-written, but this setup isn’t very interesting to me. It reads like something from a cookie-cutter YA dystopia novel. You’ve given us no idea of what this world’s history is, the nature of the authorities, the goal of the rebellion – anything that could be a unique hook. Pokemon are mentioned, but this could otherwise be an excerpt from any dystopia story. In your first chapter, it’s vital to give us a hook. What makes your story different? What makes your story interesting? Why should we care? Don’t just give us four thousand words of vagueness and cliché.