Reviews for Muggles & Mortgages
mhcalamas chapter 4 . 9/12
Ohmygosh...I’m so incredibly and terribly happy to be reading this again...just deliciousness all around...

“Mission? Graveyards? This might be worse than Hermione suspected.”... oh Hermione, just wait!

“Hermione stifles a gasp, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth. It can't be…? They wouldn't harm children would they?” Omg, just sitting here biting my cheeks...

Love love love the Dramioneness here :)
“Hermione Granger is straddled over him, flipping through his Mortgage Master guide, her wand forgotten and lying beside him. If the binding would wear off, he could make a play for it and get the crazy witch off of him.
Then again… it's not a terrible position to be in. Her pretty little nose is doing that scrunchy thing he's noticed when she's reading intently, as her deep brown eyes move side to side, taking in his notes. Not to mention, her long legs are curled around his body, bent at the knees and barely holding her high enough to not be literally grinding against him. Perhaps he should take what little pleasure in this moment that he can.”—hehehe :)

AND I FREAKING LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS! “I've never met a muggle before."
"You've met me," she argues back.
"You're a witch."
It's such a powerful moment, and they both seem to realize it simultaneously, staring at each other with an assessing gaze. He can only imagine she's shocked he would argue the point. For his part, Draco is surprised how naturally the denial had come. Of course she's a witch. He hasn't thought of her as anything else in a very long time. Not a muggle, not even a muggleborn… and certainly not that terrible word she has forever carved in her arm thanks to his mother's insane sister.”— my heart and my life...perfection, madam!

JUST WHEN YOU HAVE ME ACHING AND READY TO START SNIFFLING AND REACHING FOR A TISSUE— “His face must collapse. He's sure of it, because the look on Hermione's immediately twists into profound regret.
"I'm so sorry-"
"It's fine," he interrupts stiffly. "Not as though it's not factual."
"It's not," she argues. "I just… get a little defensive when I feel guilty."
He nods but doesn't look at her, waiting for this awkward moment to be over so he can run back to his dorm and lick his wounds. It seems his chances of any sort of relationship, even polite acquaintance, with Granger were pretty thin on the ground.”
...
YOU GO AND DO THIS! “"Draco?"
With a sigh, he looks back to find her holding the guide she was browsing back toward him.
He takes it and starts to slide it back in the bag when her hand closes the flap. "Tell me… about the game? I'd really like to know more about it."
She's looking at him through her lashes, small hand still stretched across the table to hold his bag hostage. He supposes there's nothing for it.”—so much love in the simplicity and humility in this. Le sighhhhh

I can’t comment again on chapter, but oh...an aesthetic is coming your way soon!
mhcalamas chapter 3 . 9/12
Omgggg, Draco and the frat party conversation. Yes, yes, yes! And this! “Hermione had looked at Harry, opened her mouth to speak, and then just shook her head in utter confusion.”

I liked this. Very very much: “I'm just… enjoying my time here: What's left of it. I haven't really had the opportunity to just enjoy Hogwarts the last few years." She cringes a little, afraid she's pushed a button, implying the last two years were all fun and games for the Malfoy heir, and quickly adds, "I mean, none of us really have."—a good save, showing empathy and there’s a feel of comrade-in-arms in saying that...

SIGHHHHHHH...Draco... :) “he wouldn't go as far as to say he frowns or it darkens, but his jovial expression is more than diminished. "You should be careful. There are a lot of wizards and witches who still don't like this new cooperation from the Ministry to the muggle governments. You might find yourself on the wrong end of a wand."
She studies him a moment, not liking this abrupt turn, and lifts herself to her feet. "Are you threatening me?" She hisses down at him.
"What? I don't know what you mean-"
She doesn't stay to hear his protests but, instead, stomps back toward the castle. Hearing a rustling behind her, she turns just enough to toss a tripping jinx over her shoulder and disappears back to Gryffindor tower.”— I love when you have him put his foot in his mouth...he does it so very exceptionally well! Lol!

THE TAMPON! Oh gosh, oh...wheezing and laughing... “Perfect!" Blaise looks terribly pleased with himself. "I do that then. Use the tampon. Is there a roll check?"
Draco looks back at Blaise and decides not to torture them or drag this out. "No, it's fine. It's a remedial use item." He recites in the clear, strong voice he uses for game narration, "You successfully use the tampon."
Crisis averted, the four get back to their "Frat Party" and score the contact for their next mission.”—I JUST... brava. Well well well done :)

WHEEZING AND ROLLING! OOMGOMGOMOMGOMGOMGOMG! My life! Oh Merlin, HYSTERICAL! “Then he looks directly at Harry who is kneeling beside his girlfriend, and, with grave sincerity, he barks, "Tampon! Potter, do you have a tampon?"
To say the world goes still would only be slightly dramatic and overstated. Most everyone gathered around doesn't even know what the strange sounding word Malfoy just used means. But Hermione does, and, apparently, his face somehow both draining of color and also going a rosy blush of embarrassment, so does Harry.
"No! What the f- No, Malfoy, I don't have a bleeding tampon."
Bleeding. Ironic, Hermione thinks.”—thank you so much for writing this gem!

Awwww, love :)
“Repeating a mantra of not me, not me in her head, Hermione is trying desperately not to look his direction when he calls her out by name, the stupid sod.
"Hermione, you're always prepared. Come on, we need to help your friend. Do you have a tampon?" He entreats her with an open expression and unguarded eyes. Hermione just shakes her head numbly, cheeks pink in the sort of abject humiliation unique to teenage girls confronted with sexuality in awkward mixed company.”

THIS IS PURE GOLD! ABSOLUTE GOLD! Just brilliant writing here— “Tampon. Did I… is that not how you say it? Tee, A, Emm, Pee, Oh, En. Is it… TamPON." He says it like it rhymes with trombone, and Hermione can't stop the snort she releases.
He scowls at her and picks up his broom, preparing to stomp away. "You don't have to be such a shite about it," he pouts out, and turns to leave.
"Sorry," she blurts, almost unthinking; that natural instinct to apologize when someone is offended taking hold. "I mean, no… you had it right. The first time. Your pronunciation was flawless."— I just want to laugh and go “awwwww” and have a little happy feels party...

MY LIFE HAS JUST BEEN MADE ALL OVER AGAIN WITH READING THIS PART! “Hermione watches as Draco goes very, very pale. More pale than usual, and that is a magical feat, indeed. "Wait… is a tampon… is that for…" He trails off and gulps, finally squeaking out, "a witch's special friend?"
Well, that's a euphemism she hasn't heard since she was about eleven, but she nods anyway, suddenly even more embarrassed, and yet also having an internal laughing riot at the look on his face.
"Is it safe to assume you didn't actually know what it was, then?"
Deathly quiet and eyes wide, his head noddles chaotically.”—my darling Draco! Dawwwwww, so adorably embarrassed...
mhcalamas chapter 2 . 9/12
I LOVE THIS WRITING OF HERMIONE! “Did they never consider how much of her free time had been spent on trying to keep them all alive? Did they imagine that "oh, it's a basilisk in the chamber" just came to her in her sleep? No, thank you ever so, it did not. She'd dedicated countless hours researching chambers and the founders and Nicholas bleeding Flamel for years… always at the detriment to her study time.”—it’s a great intro to her :)

YES! LOVE! “Malfoy! Just what do you think you're doing?!"
The git has the nerve to chuckle, even as he offers a weak apology. "Sorry, didn't realize you had nodded off."—don’t ask me why, but I just do... :)

*giggles* “Is there something I can do for you?" She tries to sound haughty and dismissive, keeping her eyes firmly on the pages of her book, but, of course, not reading a word.”

I’m so sorry, I know this is a long bit, but...
“He waves his hand around dismissively and seems to note she is only at the beginning of the book. "I wouldn't waste your time. He completely ignores the advancements of the nineteen twenties and thirties that led to the changes. I found it to be incomplete and underwhelming."
She cocks her eyebrow at him. "I didn't realize you were so well-read."
His grin must be deceptive, she thinks. It's far too honest to be meant for her. "I'm probably smarter than you give me credit for."
Too honest to be sincere. Too friendly not to be cryptic. Hermione narrows her eyes at him in suspicion. He is smart, she would do well to remember. He fixed a broken Vanishing Cabinet, after all.”— so, ONE, I love how you’ve written their shared interests and commonalities, and Draco just knows she’d probably come up with the same conclusion...more than likely. That smile and yes, YES HE IS SMART! HE ALSO WANDLESSLY FENDED OFF HARRY BEFORE GETTING SPLIT OPEN WITH A DARK SPELL! Draco is one brilliant BA.

LIKE! Bless his heart here...this is so incredibly fun reading from Hermione’s POV... :) ”Oh, I'm sorry." And he seems to be. Genuinely sorry, and she watches as he backpedals. "Was that too personal a question? Forgive me, I don't understand all of muggle culture. Of course the decision is yours, and I certainly don't mean to pry. I just think it's… interesting. I mean, how precisely do they do that, without magic and all?"

THIS! “Hermione walks quickly back toward Hogwarts, finally looking back once she has halved the distance to find Malfoy staring after her. She shivers a little, finding his gaze too intent for her liking. She realizes she hasn't seen him around much in the past few days, since their odd conversation late at night in the corridor, and can't shake a foreboding feeling that she should be paying more attention to his odd behavior.”—YES! Yes you very much should Hermione! See where the fun leads you!

Oh. My. Merlin! Oh! I’d forgotten how STINKING FUNNY THIS STORY IS! “We," Draco begins with dramatic flourish, "have been tasked with collecting game animals to be sold to a taxidermist." And he waits, smug and confident with his knowledge. Blaise doesn't disappoint.
"What in Salazar's Sack is a taxidermist?"
"It is a profession that specializes in non-magic stasis charms on dead animals for display. He is contracting to pay us each one hundred 'Dollars' for each animal we can bring in."

*fist pumping the air!* I just really like this: “He is so glad he asked Hermione about this before they started the quest. Levelling Pansy with a look, Draco scoffs. "Of course not. They're not barbarians. They have completely different rituals for human death, obviously."

“Feeling quite fine indeed, Draco says, "Thanks, Theo. I'm glad you're enjoying it."—love the Theo and Draco bromance. Forever and always. Forever and Always!

Loved this chapter so!
mhcalamas chapter 1 . 9/12
OMG! Yesss! The banter already! I love it! This makes me so happy :)

“Draco takes in his bevy of snakes and sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Already?" he laments. "We haven't even started yet. Are we going to debate the patriarchy all night?"

LOVE! Giggling and just...yessss :) “Blaise raises his brow at her and annunciates sarcastically, "tell-uh-fone." He looks at Draco then, hooking his thumb over at the only witch in their midst. "Did you deny her cunnilatio this week or something?"
The blond snorts in return. "I've been denying her everything for two years, Blaise." He waves his hand in a shooing motion at his friend. "Go on then."—Love how you just slipped in his about Draco and pansy’s current relationship status :) nice set up for the Dramione.

IN ABSOLUTE LOVE WITH THE GAMING DETAILS AND SETUP! YESSSSS

THIS! I just love this: "The right."
Blaise groans. "Oh, my dear Merlin, Draco! Could you just let us get on with it?"
Draco purses his lips and explains, "It's a yank game, Blaise. They sit on the wrong side over there. Different from the Night Bus. And anyway, Theo, you need to make a Tech check to be sure you know how to operate it."

I’m rolling. I’m absolutely rolling. And dying and omggggggg “"The Armani boutique is on the second floor," Drake warns her. There's a freight elevator, but you have to make it past Shopping Mall Security. Your other choice is "Escalating", but that's a roll check."—I...this...oh...breathing...

AND THIS IS MAGIC! I love this little curiosity and Draco’s organization and goshhhhh :) “Is there a picture? In the guide?" Blaise leans over the table, trying to get a better look at Draco's MM set up. Their leader is very private about what goes on behind the screen propped on the table that hides his information. A lot of planning goes into these sessions, and he's not about to have the plots, challenges, and mysteries ruined by his nosy companion.
"No," he says, swatting at Zabini's shoulder. "Just a photo of a building with a lot of doors and thousands of vehicles outside. Probably exaggerated, you know, for effect.”— oh Merlin, if you only knew Draco! Heheheheh

AND THE DRAMIONE BEGINS! “The bit about studying late and being distracted by Charms theory and 'oh my, is that the time? I'm dreadfully sorry…'
All of that dies on his tongue when he sees, not a professor, not Filch, not even a Head student, but instead the swottiest of swots: Hermione Granger.
"Oh, it's just you." His mask slips away, and he offers a haughty sniff, looking down the slope of his nose.”—Merlin yes :) you know I love your Dramione writing so!

And I love this: “The sniff evolving into a full on sneer, he gives her a once over.”— just makes me giggle

So many this to love about this- “No one seems to think his being coerced into the war is an excuse for his bullying behavior for their first five years of education. If he's honest, that's probably a fair assessment. He was a right little shit to nearly everyone. Funny how being afraid of being murdered in your own home will make you think hard about philosophy.
"And lastly…"
Merlin, is she still talking?”—you hit me in my Draco feels, my little complex elitist with a well of swirling emotions. And hahahah! Getting lost in his own thoughts while Hermione’s just prattling on... love

YESSSSS! I love Draco’s prepared answer and omgggomgomgomg “She blinks at him. Once. Twice. Draco allows himself to smile at her in an utterly sincere manner. It feels so very good to surprise Know-it-all Hermione Granger.”—YESSSSSS!

*BITING MY LIPS!* Omg! Snorting and laughing... “Did you purchase them in a Shopper's Mall?"
"I… no. I got them at Harrods."
Draco nods sagely, as if that means anything to him.
"Quality establishment like that," he guesses, "… I suppose they have Escalation there?" He studies his cuticles but spies through his lashes at the witch.”—trying to play all calm and cool! Omg!

This. Is. MAGIC! “Perhaps I'm not saying it correctly," he tries smoothly. "To move to upper floors. Escalating."
"An escalator?"
Draco snaps his fingers and saunters just a step closer.
"That's it. Brightest witch indeed…I knew you'd figure it out."
Ok, so now maybe he's laying it on a little thick.
"They do. Have escalators, I mean." She says is slowly, full of suspicion.”—ABSOLUTE MAGIC!

Ohhhhh Draco...lol...creatures... sigh... but so loving this!
SpaceKace chapter 5 . 9/9
This was just so funny! I knew you were funny before in other stories, but you really poured it on for this one! It was just amazing! And your Draco was just so cute and innocent. Loved him. Thank you so much for writing and sharing! This little story is a real gem!
SpaceKace chapter 3 . 9/9
I’m dying...do you have a Tampon?”Hysterically laughing! Jeez this is just too funny. You are a gift to Fan Fiction
SpaceKace chapter 2 . 9/9
Hahaha I was giggling at the part about stuffed humans. I mean, fair point! Embalming is kind of odd if you think about it. Looking forward to the next chapters! My full review is pending. Just had to say how funny I thought this chapter was. Well done!
Guest chapter 5 . 9/6
This is so funny. :-))) *still giggles on*
Thank you.
Guest chapter 1 . 9/6
Oh this is so funny. And true. I played some kind of D&D once and it was just like this.
:-))) thx
DisenchantedGlow chapter 5 . 9/6
love this! short and sweet and hilarious! I was giggling throughout.
Whit96 chapter 5 . 9/5
Love, love, love this! So fantastic
Whit96 chapter 3 . 9/5
Oh my goodness this is hilarious him laughing with tears. My husband keeps looking at me like I’m crazy.
DisenchantedGlow chapter 2 . 9/5
fuck... this is amazing. why haven't I read this before? I'm dying over here. Draco thinks he's been so smooth. I love it
Guest chapter 5 . 8/10
Loved the plot! very unique :) I play D&D myself so it wasn’t too nerdy haha.
JustAnotherTypicalBastard chapter 5 . 6/28
I honestly didn’t know anything about the way D and D was played but if it’s anything like M and M it sounds pretty fun.
Loved the fic, really cute. Especially the terrorist bit, that was very hilarious.
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