|Reviews for The Elder Scrolls: Yjorrik of Colovia|
| thedarkwolf95 chapter 3 . 10/21/2019
so is dovahkin the listener and guildmaster of thieves as well as archmage and harbinger? or will those be separate characters
| Anomalous435 chapter 3 . 9/19/2019
Brilliant writing. I'd be curious to know how long it takes for you to write a chapter.
The level of detail and thought you've put into the world and the characters is impressive, as is the realism of the situation. Not sure if killing Ulfric and taking his place will result in a more stable Skyrim or a more turbulent one, but time will tell I guess. I've always thought the Dragonborn to be separate from political affairs too, but I suppose if you want something done properly... you gotta do it yourself.
I also like your portrayal of the Thalmor, and them as the true threat. I also like how you've added enough detail to the locations like the Palace of Kings to really make them stand out like political buildings, in the midst of a war.
Would like to see more interactions between the Dragonborn and his various followers/friends. Would also like to see how Serana is doing in this story, and what part she might play.
| Esquire 6 chapter 3 . 9/12/2019
A few observations from me.
One error I noticed that was not picked up by others, there needs to be a starting quotation here at: "To you, the commanders of the Stormcloaks..."
First, I think not using the characters' names in the duel made it more confusing. It would help, in my opinion, to keep that part of the fight simple. I do admit that keeping a fight fresh and unrepetitive is difficult and I understand part of the reasoning behind why you'd try and change things up. But in this case, I feel that it's detrimental to the reader and had me confused especially since the "would-be-king" would technically apply to both duelers considering the circumstances.
Second, I don't know if this is just me, but I feel this lingering air of, and I don't know if I can describe it other than this title: "over-formal". It feels that the events and the words chosen by the characters are all very rigid. I understand the tones of the feudal ancient world you're going for, and I can not deny that aspect is something crucial to worlds like these. However, perhaps it would be wise to indicate a less formal "behind the curtain" aspect of the "facades" of the power players, giving insights to maybe the flaws or irrational personal quirks of some of the players vying for power. I do think it could be well-served to your characters to give them a chance to fill themselves out beyond just the obvious facts and backgrounds. I personally would maybe consider having Yjorrick go to meet an old companion and talk about events that occurred in the main events to perhaps enlighten the reader on the decisions Yjorrick made and give an insight into his thoughts more. Yjorrick does have really good potential, it just needs to be unshackled a bit I think.
Lastly, the overall plot though, is still highly intriguing. I already want to know what the responses to the results of this chapter and how the world is going to shake out.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
| ScrimshawPen chapter 3 . 9/11/2019
I do like this post-canon approach to the story - he’s done what multitalented dragonborns always do, and done it very well. Now’s the time to get to the more complicated business of sorting out politics and practicalities of the future. I haven’t read much Elder Scrolls fic at all, but it feels fresh and creative to me.
There are places where the action and dialogue feels natural (the exchange with Calder, the overheard conversation with the Stormcloak commanders), but elsewhere we have these long, formal speeches (Yjorrik and Ulfric’s lengthy exchange being the prime example)... honestly, my eyes skip forward to Yjorrik’s TL;DR at the end.
The descriptions of Windhelm, while Yjorrik’s stroll through the city does help make it a little less tell-y, kind of emerge as very wordy walls of text. There are overlong sentences and paragraphs that are honestly hard to read (the biggest offenders are the first four or five paragraphs). I would work on ways to divide those into natural thought units in a way that doesn’t strain your readers’ eyes.
A couple more things:
I wouldn’t use “&” in published writing.
Finally, I think you use too many epithets for Yjorrik, especially given that this is his POV. Ideally, epithets should show how the POV character sees other characters, right? Anyway, it gets downright confusing in the fight scene when epithets show up more often than the combatants’ names. I started writing them down:
The returned traveler
The claimant to the throne
The Colovian-born Nord
I am curious as to where this goes from here, with Ulfric dead. Dragonborn or not, it’s a tall order to expect to rule people after killing their popular, charismatic leader
| Anime Borat chapter 3 . 9/8/2019
To see you update your fic was a pleasant surprise.
You weren't kidding with what you promised for this fic and you delivered masterfully! In this case, the whole chapter is as the title said, especially the final third where he outlines his impromptu strategy/program/campaign promise. It's sad, really, that he had kill Ulfric to save Skyrim from his premature decision to war. He was a good Nord though not as farsighted as Yjorrik.
Your descriptions of Windhelm life and society, places, Skyrim's current state of affairs, combat, etc. really did it. Dialogue and drama was well-written
| Esquire 6 chapter 2 . 8/29/2019
More description, and as a result, more strong set-up. I really like where you're turning the story towards.
I do agree in some regards with Alexeij's warnings regarding purple prose. As much as I think the descriptions were good, it would help to see the characters performing and speaking rather than giving solely description. It would give a lot of details without having to explain nearly as much. For an introductory section, obviously, you wouldn't have to do a whole lot, but something beyond just telling would be helpful and beneficial to the reader in general.
But again, I eagerly await new material to read within this interesting world you've set up.
| Esquire 6 chapter 1 . 8/29/2019
I have to say I'm impressed by a lot of this, slick grammar and formatting, and pretty good descriptions of locations and people.
I would, however, make a much clearer hard break between Tullius waking up from the dream, to make it more clear and easier for the reader to understand. I did double-take slightly when the shift happened because it's just one paragraph to the next without any real delineation.
As someone who understands a large majority of the Roman military weapon and tactical vocabulary, pretty much everything made sense to me. However, for someone not as well-versed, it may help to give short descriptions of the weapons in the moment in order to quickly give the uninformed reader a decent mental image. Pilas and Javelins are fairly similar, but have somewhat distinct differences. I don't want to get too caught up with this, but I do want to keep every reader in consideration.
But beyond that, I loved the imagery of the battle and the background description of the Empire and the rest of the political situation in Tamriel. It's definitely the strongest part of the chapter. The dialogue feels a little rigid, at least in my opinion. I know all of the dialogue is between soldiers, I do think you could loosen it slightly since it's between longtime and experienced counter-parts.
All in all, a great read, and I'll definitely keep this on my radar.
| Anime Borat chapter 1 . 9/20/2018
I have to say I never played Skyrim nor follow its lore closely, taking this fic at your recommendation. The writing I've seen is great. It reads like a historical novel with fantasy elements. It harkens to Total War, Dragon Age, and Vikings. I like how you used the lore, the characters, the politics to great effect. I really like to see this to its conclusion.
This is truly a great addition to my favorites' list. Thanks for it. Might give your Fallout fic a try.
| FusRoDerp chapter 2 . 6/18/2018
The writing style of this story is fantastic and well done to say the least. My only complaint is that I found it a little bit weird following these certain perspectives and everything, though it doesn’t detract from the story. The plot (at least to me)is also confusing, though I’m sure it will clear itself up as the chapters roll out and the story progresses. Keep it up!
| FractiousDay chapter 2 . 6/17/2018
I'm quite impressed at the obscure references again. Did not expect to read anything with the Imga.
I'd recommend looking further into the more esoteric stuff if you want to bring in something grander than the current fantasy setting you've got here. However, this seems pretty early in the story so perhaps you already have it in mind.
| LauncesMechinist chapter 2 . 6/14/2018
I have to say you're off to a great start. The lore appears correct, the language, all good. This dragonborn, is he a version you created in game? If so, is he a Companion? Is he a member of the Mage's Academy? What about the Dark Brotherhood Assassins Guild? The Riften Thieves Guild? Does he still have the beast blood? Is he a member of the Dawnguard? I look forward to future chapters.
| Alexeij chapter 2 . 6/12/2018
I agree with SP in that, while the content is really interesting, the language grows from elaborate to purple in certain sections, such as Elenwen's and Yjorrik's descriptions.
I'm not familiar with the nooks and crannies of Skyrim, nor its DLCs (though I know the overall plot and characters there thanks to other fics), so I can't begin to tell who the usurper dragon is. I found Paathurnax's decision to not debase himself to violence both fitting for his character and ultimately arrogant and dismissive of humans: how many would be spared had he chosen to deal with the usurper? We shall never know. I also imagine the Blades aren't thrilled with the DB. By the way, are you ascribing to the dragon-creation theory that says only Paathy and Alduin as firstborns of Akatosh can create new dragons? I think I read that somewhere.
I reckon the dunmer torturer is the Dark Brotherhood's listener? It seems he has both some serious psychotic issues, a certain daedra ascendant, and maybe some political and personal beef with the late emperor due to Cyrodill abandoning Morrowind after the Red Year?
Elenwen's piece was the weakest in the chapter to me, as her mix of arrogance and blindness, while paiting a picture of Altmer's mindset, was a bit too overt in how it stressed how deluded she is, and the purple prose was at its strongest here. The mix of description and narration you reached in Neon Dawn was much more balanced and enjoyable.
I haven't the foggiest about who the POV character is in the second snippet. Herma Mora? The Usurper? Mysterious is good,but only as far as you give the reader some tidbits to latch onto. Remember, even if this is fanfic, not everyone is an expert in the lore. For the best balance between references, plot, and readability, try checking Dragon from Ash. That's one of the best Skyrim fics I've ever read.
Overall, it was still an enjoyable and educating read, with some moments bogged down by purple prose and a couple of honest "what the hell is this" moments of confusion.
| ScrimshawPen chapter 2 . 6/9/2018
I liked the beginning and the ending parts the best. Both Paarthurnax and Yjorrik, in their own way, are relatable, sympathetic characters, their power somewhat tempered by second-guessing and doubt. I do like how your story picks up more or less where the game leaves off. Much better than another rehash of familiar events.
I would advise ratcheting the length of the descriptions down.
In the third paragraph, I think “through his gizzard” should follow “breaths.” Otherwise, the phrase sounds odd and misplaced.
“reigns of power” should be “reins”
“died leathers” should be “dyed leathers”
Beginning in the Elenwen section, some of the description goes beyond flowery and starts approaching purple. For example, “tailored finery interwoven with auroras composed purely of jewels” and “amber eyes inset into the pallor of her visage” and “delicate yet firm crystal-like embroidery of the stitching.” It’s just… often too much. Too many words. In my opinion.
“not privy afterall,” “after all”
“fetes” are parties. I think you want “feats” in that context.
| ScrimshawPen chapter 1 . 5/20/2018
I… uh… just realized I don’t know as much about this universe as I thought I did. Maybe if I had actually finished Oblivion, or played Morrowind at all. Anyway.
“His voice nearly trembled, so early in his martial career he was...” / This doesn’t read well, particularly the second clause. I recommend rewording it to sound more natural.
“bronze faced,” “light haired,” “brothers in arms” / I would put hyphens in all of these.
I’m not so sure about the Roman military terminology here - it made a lot of sense in your other story, obviously, but here it seems distracting to me. Some of it (“centurion”) is common knowledge, but not “pilum/a,” “testudo,” or “spatha(e).”
“Stopped dead in it’s tracks,” “Cyrodiilic Empire and it’s enemies,” “had taken it’s toll,” “atop it’s main table.” / Wrong “its” on all of these.
I don’t think “cerulean gaze” works as a descriptor. I’m not so sure about “azure eyes,” either. Cleaner just to mention one that her eyes are blue and leave it at that.
That’s an interesting note on the Wood Elves self-limitations when it comes to weaponry.
I like that you’ve made General Tullius a character with a long, complex backstory. He’s terribly arrogant, though, isn’t he? Scoffing over Skyrim’s well-established traditions and living legends. He’s a practical, direct man and probably not the best one to take on the Skyrim problem for the Empire.
Interesting start. I kind of want to start a new Skyrim game now, just so I can do the Brotherhood quest to kill the emperor again. It *is* a little dense in places. You might make it less heavy, spread out the exposition.
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/17/2018
I’m pretty sure the existence of Falmer is common knowledge. I mean that guy from the Thieves Guild had some of his friends killed by some, and of course Calcelmo is studying their language with a hive of them under the city with only the dwarven defenses keeping them there. It would be like dismissing draugr because they’re not rampaging around Skyrim.