|Reviews for Guardian Angel|
| bottlecaps chapter 1 . 6/28
Wow! This first chapter was dark and intense but you pulled me right in. Poor Harry! Hope stuff gets better for him. Onto the next chapter.
| hillstar chapter 1 . 6/8
Hi Luuna Lovegood,
This is a really intense, dark beginning (like I assume you intended.) In some ways Vernon was one of the worst monsters in the whole series and you expand on that here. Your depiction how badly Harry wants everything to end and Harry sort of blacking out in the moment was a very believable reaction to such violence.
I think Sirius Black is a good choice of person to help Harry through this, as he seems to also have come from an abusive family. Also, I feel like Harry is a very private person and would have trouble talking to his friends about the rape but might confide in a trusted father figure.
The writing works well in terms of description too. I usually struggle with making events and character motivations clear and I was able to flow everything happening in the opening chapter.
| WyvernScribe chapter 1 . 6/2
Ah. That got really dark.
I'm curious on how you will continue this though. You have really stellar imagery, I can picture this in my head pretty clearly (um...I did not want that image though) I do wonder why his magic is not really reacting (accidental magic and what not)
Can't wait for the next chapter, this was really a good start
| FountainOfStars chapter 1 . 5/30
This is very tragic- I hope Vernon gets his comeuppance in later chapters and Harry finds the confidence to fight back. Interesting plot and can't wait to see where this story goes!
| ember chapter 1 . 5/30
This is so sad
| nottheonlyfanaround chapter 1 . 5/30
Ooooooh, this was a really well written piece. I liked how it's a new take on Petunia and the Dursleys, yet still sticks for the most part to canon storylines. I think the descriptions could have been a tad bit better, just stuff messing with flow making the paragraphs a tad clunky. But other than a few minor things I really, really, really, enjoyed this piece. Really good, amazing work. Don't stop writing, this is amazing.
| LadyHallows chapter 1 . 5/29
Oh my, this was very dark but brilliantly written, I feel so bad for Harry! Good work
| ReluctantSidekick chapter 1 . 5/29
I really like this. It looks like Petunia might actually feel some kind of familial affection for her nephew, either that or she just flat out thinks Vernon went round the bend
| Neakco chapter 1 . 5/28
This one was very intense and left an impression. I would almost add more sensations though. Smells, sounds. I know someone that was raped by their father and they hummed to get through it.
Point is that everything in that moment becomes more intense.
I look forward to the next chapter to see where you take this. Is it a point of embarrassment? Lost pride? Anger? So many different emotions and possible ways of dealing.
| ffdude73 chapter 1 . 5/28
Powerful start but confusing progression. Not sure why Vernon goes from physical to sexual abuse. The perspective is good but the order is off. Interested to see what's next.
| 1seddiefan chapter 1 . 5/28
A very tear-jerking piece you have written.
It was so sweet of either Dudley or Petunia to give Harry the medicine.
| LucyLuna chapter 1 . 5/28
So, first off, all of that introductory stuff you have, who the Dursleys are, how Harry came to live with them, is unnecessary. This fanfiction, not an original story. We, as readers, know this stuff. One of the pluses of fanfic is that none of that stuff has to be explained nor should it – especially for main protags like Harry. It's frivolous and everyone's just skipping right over into to get to the actual story. So you may as well edit to remove it since next to no one is even bothering to read it fully.
"It hurt and he hadn't eaten in awhile so it hurt even more." So I think you're trying to imply he's lost a significant amount of weight and, in turn, padding, here, but I think you should just be more straightforward about it. Like so:
"It hurt, even more so than at the start of the summer, now that he was back to meager meals and begun to shed his Hogwarts's weight."
"he attempted to sit up albeit pain ran down his body" something about this feels off. It sounds like he aborted sitting up, I think. But I don't think he did? It's hard to say. The albeit appears to imply he did so in spite of the pain, but the attempted makes me think he didn't make it. Depending on what you are trying to say, I would take out the attempted and change "sit" to "sat" if he did sit up. If he didn't, turn the "albeit" into a "but" or "however".
Now that I finished the scene, it appears to be more how you have things organized that is making it confusing. I would possibly edit things so you have him completing the sitting up and taking the advil before you have him think about Ron and how Vernon would never have let them talk in the first place before you have Harry lay back down.
"neck as well as" there's an odd break in the sentence after this and a whole new paragraph is started. I'd go back and fix that.
"sharp intrusion prickled into him" reads oddly. I really don't like "prickled into him". It makes me think Vernon has a cat penis (those have spines you know). Try "tore into him" or "left him breathless with pain".
As a whole, the SPaG was pretty solid, so kudos to you there. This isn't a new plot to me, but I think you executed it okay. I liked how Vernon wished that Petunia had died along with Harry and his parents and blamed them all for how his life is now while Dudley was left alone to huddle in a corner and watch. I do wish, however, more time had been given to show build up to this climax of violence. Little things here and there that showed he was planning to do something so extreme. Looks, insinuating comments, threats, touches, something more. Because he's saying Harry should have died, but instead of attempting to just strangle him to death or smash his head in, he raped him. Which, isn't in itself a killing act, but one of power and control. Something's not quite meeting together there and I think more build up with violence toward Harry slowly surmounting up until this point would be helpful in making it more understandable in a way. Especially with that added ill-treatment toward Petunia to show he's really losing a grip on reality.
| JKRowlingsAssistant chapter 1 . 5/28
This is very good. I am very exited to see what happens next. I love the fact that Petunia and Dudley are injured too. It makes the story seem more realistic. There are many stories where Mr. Dursley only hurts Harry, and it puts all the pity on Harry where this story spreads it out. It makes more sense and it’s more appealing when Vernon hurts all three because there are more sensory details. I feel as if I am standing in the house and watching. Another good note is that Petunia and Dudley realize that Harry is more like them than they thought. By giving Harry the medicine, I feel like they realize how wrong it was to have so much pain inflicted on Harry when he was younger once they have pain inflicted on themselves.
| jamcreynolds chapter 1 . 5/28
This is an excellent first start. I hope that this is going to be a multi-chapter fic because it has potential to be amazing. You set a time line, you established that Harry feared his uncle, and then you turned it into an awesome chapter. Don't rush the story line like so many do, people will be hooked after this chapter. Hope to hear the next chapter soon!
| onlyoneformeisme chapter 1 . 5/28
Oh, I loved it! It was beautifully written and I can't wait for more! It's a wonderful story so far, so keep it up!