|Reviews for Fate Fractured Prism|
| HadEv chapter 5 . 6/29/2020
| Tyomcha chapter 5 . 9/16/2018
OK, I'll write an actual review now.
First thing I wanted to address: This isn't actually something to do directly with the story as such - rather, I'd like to say a bit about Draconic's review on Chapter 1. Now, I know you've responded to that already, but just to weigh in on it a bit, I'd say... really, don't worry about that. Nasuverse lore is a complex arcane tangle of more rules, concepts and special cases than I can count, and way too many of them are buried in interviews or spinoffs or other stuff that anyone but the most insanely dedicated Type-Moon fan wouldn't know about - so while the lore here DOES apparently come from the relatively surface-level source of Grand Order (at least, from what I assume - I haven't actually gotten that far in the game myself yet), I still really don't think it's reasonable to try to abide by EVERY restriction or rule Nasu has ever set, simply because there's so many of them. And besides, even discounting that issue, there's still the fact that... even if you're aware of some little detail like Scathach apparently not actually being summonable, I see no reason why it's a bad thing for a fanfic to conveniently forget a little detail like that. The point of a fanfic is to tell a story based on the original work, not necessarily to follow the original work as closely as possible - so if you want Scathach to be a Servant (and let's keep it in mind that she really DOES work well as a Servant), I'd say go for it, even if it's not technically 100% accurate to the lore. If it really bothers you that much, you could always just say it's a different universe - Fate lore allows for that, after all. (Quantum Time-Locks notwithstanding... *sigh* those things make so many things harder.)
Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there, and besides, you DID say that stuff was intentionally done to point out how "wrong" this particular War was. So let's get to the commentary I have on the actual story, shall we?
First off... okay, I know I just wrote a miniature essay about why I'm against nitpicking the lore, but I'm still immediately going to turn around and nitpick the lore a bit: Why is Heracles summoned as Alcides? That originally only happened because his Master used Grail mud on him, at least from what I know of Fate/strange fake (which... admittedly, my knowledge of it is limited to the wiki). Again, it's not a big issue - at the end of the day, you could always just say Alcides also counts as a Heroic Spirit, or just ignore the issue entirely and I'm not going to complain - but it's just something I wanted to point out. (There IS also the issue of Avalon not working unless Saber's around as Draconic pointed out... that might be a bit more of an actual issue, to be honest. You should probably think about that a little - at the very least, that's something I WOULD like some sort of actual justification for, even if it's just a handwave.)
To get to things of actual substance... I have some problems with the characterization here. Shirou in particular - the stunt with Rin at the start seems, at least from an outside perspective, very out-of-character and much more like something Kiritsugu would do. If I try my hardest to mentally justify it, I can sort of kind of see how it MIGHT make sense, but without any sort of written-out thought process to go off of, it feels REALLY jarring and not Shirou-ish at all. Same with how quick Rin was to forgive him. (And yes, I understand that this is in the future from F/sn and these characters have changed since then, but... the sort of change that would be required for THOSE actions to be in-character just doesn't seem to me like something that would plausibly happen when we're talking about these two. Yes, Rin might be less tsun and more dere now, but at the end of the day, she's just deep down not the sort of person I'd imagine forgiving Shirou so quickly for something like that, not unless something REALLY big happened to change her. Similar issue with Shirou himself.)
That said, by and large I'm okay with the characterization, if only because both Shirou and Rin spend so much time being pushed around the story by the OCs and not really doing anything on their own... at least on the large scale. However, on the smaller scale, I feel like the problem grows significantly - most particularly in the issue of dialogue. Because let me just say one thing that stood out when I was reading this chapter: That is NOT how Shirou or Rin talk. I'm not going to try to pin down all the issues with the dialogue exactly, because the problems with it are a bit too general to be easily isolated, but... well, it just really doesn't feel like it's Shirou or Rin talking. It's less of a problem with Rin - and, in turn, more of a problem with Shirou - but still, that problem exists for both of them. When you write dialogue, you don't just have to figure out what the character would say in this situation - you have to try and really get in their head and imagine exactly HOW they would say it. (For me, I find a trick that sort of works for this is to try and imagine the characters actually saying their lines in whatever voice I imagine for them - if it doesn't sound natural, that's a good indication there's something wrong. But then again, this is just a trick I, personally, use, and I don't know if it'll work for you.)
One more thing I want to warn you about: You mentioned that you take it as a compliment that it doesn't seem like Shirou's side doesn't have a chance, and that it adds to the feeling of there being high stakes in the conflict. And while that's absolutely correct, I am going to give you a bit of a - pretty premature, but eh - warning: Don't get too carried away. A powerful villain is excellent... but stacking more and more power onto the villains for no reason other than to make the situation seem more hopeless is not, and will just come across as exactly what it is - a cheap attempt to raise the stakes. Further, though this isn't necessary, giving the villains a few weaknesses or vulnerabilities - or having them face their own struggles and having them not be COMPLETELY head-and-shoulders above the heroes in power - can serve to both allow for a more interesting storyline as the protagonists try to figure out how to exploit these weaknesses and humanize the villains.
Again, that entire last paragraph was really just a warning - so far, you've done a perfectly fine job handling the villains, and there's nothing _wrong_ with having them seem utterly unbeatable. The thing about vulnerabilities serving to humanize them was really just a suggestion, and one you don't have to take - there's plenty of other ways to humanize villains. But DO watch out you don't end up giving the villains more power out of nowhere just to make it seem more hopeless. I mean, I don't think you _will_, but... still, just watch out.
Gods, that ended up sounding really condescending. Sorry. Not my intention.
Now for the good parts.
As I've said before, Shirou and Rin are spending a lot of this fic just getting pushed around by OCs, and I have to say I do have some issues with that - but damn if the OCs themselves aren't great. They may not be THAT developed yet, but I can definitely see the idea behind most of them, and Auteur looks to be shaping up to be a great villain. In particular, I like what you've done with Allison - there's a LOT of stories where people like her just get accepted to the heroes' side and anything they've done in the past sort of gets glossed over AND they end up being unrealistically good people considering their line of work, so it's nice to see both of those ideas be subverted. I also like where you're heading with Allison's wish - it seems like you're aiming to eventually have her betray Shirou, which is a great way to raise the tension and develop characters at the same time (and, at the end of the day, we also can't overlook that it's an excellent excuse for really cool stuff to happen). I like it.
There's also Reina, who... look, we've only had the very start of this chapter so far to really get to know her as a character, but just from that, I already adore her. That sort of utterly twisted mindset... I don't know what it is, but something about it just really gets me, especially the way it becomes apparent as you read through her segment. To see the logic taking place inside her head, to recognize it for how utterly stupid it was and yet realize how completely seriously she takes it, and to be able to see how twisted she is even as you're given a tour of the strange place that is her mind... gods, I love it. Maybe it's just my personal preference, but there's just something I find so wonderfully chilling about that sort of villain.
And I also like the whole "Let's just throw ALL the ridiculously powerful Servants at each other" idea. Even if that first big fight admittedly didn't feel THAT impactful, I can see the potential for some really awesome scenarios to arise from all of this... especially considering who Assassin is. (Won't actually put his name in the review, just in case some guy still hasn't figured it out... somehow...)
So, all in all... well, this is a pretty flawed story, yes. The characterization of the characters from the original Fate/stay night is the biggest issue, and then there's also the fact that - though I haven't actually mentioned this in the review - your action scenes, so far, didn't really feel all that exciting or... well, action-y. But I can definitely see a lot of potential here, and if you do this right, the OCs could easily end up being great in a lot of ways. I'll definitely keep following this fic, and I'll try my best to tell you what I think of it as you go.
I'm bad at ending reviews, so... uh... keep up the good work, I guess!
| Guest chapter 5 . 9/15/2018
Why would they recall Alcides? His Pelt would reject the Arrow and stop it from piercing him at all and is there a reason Alcides' master hasn't just used Reincarnation Pandora to take all the other Servants NPs?
| ZenoZen chapter 5 . 9/15/2018
i hope we will got servant sheet soon
| Hugh Quacktron chapter 5 . 9/15/2018
Alcides huh...that may he a problem
| The Devil Z chapter 4 . 9/7/2018
Draconic thanks for pointing out all my technical errors, keep in mind I've not played FGO so my understanding of the series is limited to the anime. But still I understand certain situations with FGO Servants so I'll address the reason I chose the Servants I chose here.
Your problem with Scáthach. Yes, I know she can't be summoned as a Servant normally and the same goes with KiritsuguAssassin. Yet I deliberately chose them for this fic. Why? Well, their presence in this fic was meant to be a not-so-subtle red flag to FGO players that something is VERY WRONG with this Holy Grail War. I guess I could have done better making it clearer there, but as a writer I had to strike a balance between story-telling and just telling things to the readers straight-up.
The short answer without spoiling anything is that this fic draws thematic elements and story beats from F/SN and especially F/Z. In this case, is a reference to how the Grail was only supposed to summon heroes, yet historically evil characters could be summoned because it became corrupted.
The problems with Shirou and Rin. I also know that Shirou would summon Arturia if he had Avalon, which is why I made him give it up from the very first chapter. So that settles how he summoned Musashi.
I believe I have touched on why I wrote Rin the way I wrote her in the subsequent chapters, all I can say is that her character arc happens later into the fic.
Rin being only able to summon Archer isn't very relevant because she's not a Master in this fic and so is the whole shazzam on Cú Chulainn Alter whom I have absolutely no intention of bringing into the picture. I don't think Rin knowing about Scáthach, Fergus, Medb etc would really change anything either since she currently does not interact with any other character.
I feel that as a reader, my bigger suspension of disbelief would have been how Siegfried was able to call forth Fafnir by blood magic in this fic, but that's another can of worms.
Thanks for your criticism, I want to stress how I really appreciate comments like these. I agree that my knowledge on the Fate lore needs working on which I will, but in the meantime, cheerio :)
| Draconic chapter 2 . 9/7/2018
Oh, it’s Musashi, not Okita. My point still stands.
Iota-Cassiopeia makes a good point about Rin’s behavior, but also be advised that Avalon doesn’t work unless Arturia is around, or was around until very recently.
| Draconic chapter 1 . 9/7/2018
There are a lot of technical things wrong with this fic.
First of all, I’m assuming that the Servant chasing them at the beginning was Scáthach. There are two things wrong with that: the first is that Rin would know who she is. If she knows who Cú is, she’ll also know Scáthach, Fergus, Medb, and a host of others. The second, and much more important part though, is that Scáthach can’t actually be summoned as a Servant, for the simple reason that she’s still alive in the Land of Shadows, where time has no meaning.
Okita would seem to make sense for Shirou, however if this takes place after UBW, he isn’t capable of summoning any other Servant except Arturia because no matter what catalyst he uses, he still has Avalon in his body, and it’s an absurdly powerful Noble Phantasm that would overrule any other type of summoning catalyst.
And finally, Assassin: Heroic Spirit EMIYA: Assassin can only exist in a specific singularity: the one designated by the Order ‘Accel Zero’ by Chaldea. He exists in no other circumstance and cannot be summoned at any other point on the Space/Time Continuum.
Be advised that if you attempt to solve the Lancer problem by replacing Scáthach with Cú Chulainn Alter, he does not exist either. In fact, he’s even harder to summon than Kiritsugu: Cú Alter is really just a wish made by Medb on the holy grail. You can’t have him without Medb winning the Grail first and disposing of her Master.
The reason you can summon these characters as Servants in F/GO is because Chaldea gets removed from human history giving them external access to the whole thing, so to speak. Or something along those lines.
You really need to go back and check your lore, and don’t use the Wiki either. It’s better than it was several years ago, but it’s still not very accurate.
Once you’ve done that, choose a different roster of Servants and start again.
If your goal however is to have a KiritsuguAssassin and Shirou encounter, your best bet is a different type of story: Specifically, Fate/Grand Order with extra surviving Masters in Shirou and Rin, and any of your OC Masters. Be advised that Rin will always summon Archer because he has her pendant which in a sense is a sort of catalyst for her.
| HappyReviewer chapter 4 . 9/3/2018
You may want to change your profile to say Alcides over Heracles since Herk doesn't have Cerberus, the Lion Pelt (atleast he doesn't wear it like that) and there is no way he would have agreed to help our antagonists considering how honourable he is.
| OsfNF chapter 1 . 9/3/2018
| Naruto Sakura Uzumaki chapter 4 . 9/3/2018
Didn't expect the Einzbern family to be behind Kiritsugu's summoning (for those of you who haven't figured it out yet after reading this chapter). I already figured out the identity of Assassin when I started reading this story (yes, I play Fate Grand Order). But the real clue was the Thompson Contender.
| Tyomcha chapter 4 . 9/3/2018
Pretty nice story so far. I'll write a more insightful review on a future chapter when I feel more up to it, but for now I'll just settle on telling you that much.
| qb7Vs chapter 1 . 9/1/2018
| Hugh Quacktron chapter 4 . 9/2/2018
Oh shit Acht might have a part in this story, and he may want to get revenge on the Emiya Family.
| Guest chapter 3 . 8/31/2018
I seriously don't see how Shirou's side has a chance.
Scathach and Siegfried alone would be tough for Musashi and Kiritsugu to beat, but throw in the absolute monster that is Archer Heracles (Or I'm assuming he's Alcides since he has the Pelt over his face) and they have no chance. I mean, this guy could probably destroy the other 6 Servants at once.