|Reviews for Imperator: Vas Bellicosum|
| ACI100 chapter 10 . 10/28/2020
“The moment he had expelled the energy he has passed out” should be “had passed out”
“the arrival or the two immortal beings” should be “of the two immortal beings”
There were a fair few sentences in this chapter that were very clunky, but the contents itself was enjoyable. Could have used another skim through for edits, though.
| ACI100 chapter 7 . 10/28/2020
Solid chapter. Interested to see how the Reyna relationship develops. I know it is the eventual pairing, but it honestly seems secondary right now. She seems the less active of the two girls, so I am interested to see how you develop it with time.
| ACI100 chapter 6 . 10/28/2020
Not a whole lot to say on this one except for the fact that I enjoyed the scene with Percy in Neptune’s temple and thought it the highlight of the chapter.
| ACI100 chapter 5 . 10/28/2020
By far your best chapter thus far, in my opinion. I thoroughly enjoyed everything about this chapter. Outside of the odd punctuation regarding tag lines, I have no complaints here. I am actually happy Zoe won. If you would have had her use a sword and win, I would have had problems, but the way she beat him was perfect. Hand-to-hand combat plus a superior strategic mindset. That can also be used as a very strong characterization point for Percy if you choose. Yes, definitely a lot of potential here.
| ACI100 chapter 4 . 10/28/2020
“I understand, sir” not “I understand sir”
“Really, I do” not “really I do”
“I’ll strive my best” should be “I’ll strive to do my best”
“If they were a challenge I would” needs to be “If they were a challenge, I would”
In other news, this chapter was quite good. Definitely my favourite one yet.
Sorry if my reviews come off as nit picky. I am just trying to be helpful.
All the best,
| ACI100 chapter 3 . 10/28/2020
You mention that the dove is Aphrodite’s symbol, yet we’re in Rome. Should it not be Venus?
I think Percy opened up a bit too quickly, to be honest. I know people who had similar things happen as a child, and it’s not something they just come out with in a few weeks. Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but a bit of a stretch.
Outside of that, good chapter. I am happy to see the bonds forming between the characters, and the fight scene was well done. Interspersing it with dialogue was a good decision that greatly added to the flow. I still think the setup to the duel could have been more subtle, but eh, can’t have it all.
| ACI100 chapter 2 . 10/28/2020
Not a bad chapter, though I think your portrayal of Octavian is a bit hyperbolized for the sake of causing conflict. He might have been a dick, but he wasn’t that up front in canon, nor was he foolish enough to say such things in a temple.
In other news “pushing his though the crowd” should be “pushing his way through the crowd”.
All the best,
| ACI100 chapter 1 . 10/28/2020
Okay, this is the first PJO fic I have tried reading in years. I had a brief phase of trying them, but it didn’t last long. I pretty much stick to HP exclusively, because the overall, average quality is just much higher, and I am a rather harsh critic and am very particular with what I will read. I have a Discord server for my own fics, and many on it have recommended this repeatedly since I announced I’d be publishing a PJO fic soon.
The writing is definitely good. The fight scene was well done. It did seem to very suddenly shift from Percy dominating to a perfectly even duel, but you could attribute that to the element of surprise. Truthfully, I’m happy they’re even, it just felt a bit unnatural at first.
You had Two obvious typos- I only remember one- but the grammar is mostly clean.
“there’d by more people in the baths” should be “there’d be more people in the baths”.
The only actual error I’ve noticed is tag lines. You had one or two capitalized, but those were likely typos.
What are not typos is the punctuation. If you have a tag line following speech such as “she said”, it should be a period afterwards and not a comma nine times out of ten. Unless you went on to describe something further about the speaker or the audience. The other exception would be if there were only a few words spoken before the tag line.
It shouldn’t be Quote, tag line, comma, continue quote. It should be quote, tag line, period, continue quote From a full-stop. The sentence ends after “he said”. The quote starts a new sentence.
An interesting first act that will have me coming back for more.
All the best,
| Rhianna Greengrass chapter 18 . 10/20/2020
Leila really does like Percy huh?
| Rhianna Greengrass chapter 15 . 10/20/2020
aww! so cute! I've always wanted Reyna to have someone for her and now she does!
| Guest chapter 17 . 10/18/2020
| RealNameHidden chapter 4 . 10/17/2020
Why is there a roman numeral of 2018 at the end of each chapter?
By the way, I am liking this book so far.
| Henry James Locker chapter 1 . 10/17/2020
So, in my attempts to catch up on some reading I have arrived and I am starting to remember why spent so much of my teens learning how to write but more importantly reading a lot,. This is a pretty good start so far, although it is to early to say for sure.
| NightFyl chapter 12 . 10/7/2020
| ashblaze03 chapter 1 . 9/30/2020
Amazing work as always!
Love the Pereyna!
Do continue the second work in Imperator when you get the time :)