|Reviews for Raptor of the 20th Ward|
| Guest chapter 18 . 5/6/2019
*... while Hinami played with Touka supervising nearby, ...*
Bit clunky, as it can be read that Hinami is playing with Touka, who is also supervising.
Yet, I'm fairly certain that's not what you meant.
The following tweak should fix it though:
"... while Hinami played as Touka supervised nearby, ..."
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I'm not sure that this chapter qualifies as one.
I'd consider it more akin to world building as a result of significant changes to said world.
A debrief section that allows characters to share information and to prep further storylines/hooks.
To reference "Vimesenthusiast" and his "A Third Path to the Future", right now his story had WW3 erupt, due to alien shenanigans.
Current chapter is how this affected the common folk directly as Harry was kept busy magically, preventing things from getting even worse.
He's already indicated and made the setup, that Harry and the other heavy hitters can come out swinging in the next chapter.
HOWEVER, that doesn't change the fact that WW3 happened or that it was alien influenced and as such is going to cause a massive realignment in that version of Earth.
Meaning more world building to reflect the changes these events will have had on the common psyche of humanity.
While your work is more small scale, the events surrounding the not so good doctor, the Intel on and from E'to, Ken's " evolution" and Jason's death.. They have made important changes to the playing field
So a debrief chapter was fully warranted. It's like a PHO chapter in a Worm fic.
Reactions and setup for what the future will bring.
Just my take on this though.
| ReindeerEmu chapter 16 . 5/3/2019
First I want to congratulate you on a well written story. This one has made me late for work in fact. However, I am going to stop here. It’s because of the humans first bias that has surpassed my ability to ignore it. It culminated in the battle where Harry fights Jason. Harry kills ghouls and knocks out the human ccg that are equally trying to kill everyone else. He then goes on to give back the weapons he reclaimed from the ccg but all the do is share info and put up with his presence?! Additionally Touka just lives with meeting the guy wearing her father’s skin and just takes it! You’ve made her an Uncle Tom. So good story in you making me feel emotionally but this is it for me.
| GrinDLmania chapter 18 . 5/3/2019
Another great chapter.
| PrimeMegalodon chapter 18 . 5/2/2019
Gotta love how Juuzou is being more logical than the other doves there
| LoamyCoffee chapter 18 . 5/2/2019
Mmm, good bit of filler~
| PasiveNox chapter 18 . 5/2/2019
| Wika0304 chapter 17 . 4/22/2019
please update, it's good
| Kithrin chapter 17 . 4/17/2019
Eto's playing both sides for her own goal? interesting.
| Guest chapter 16 . 4/12/2019
My dear raptor. Says every fans of Jurassic Park ever !
| Guest chapter 17 . 4/12/2019
The feelings I had before of a certain similarity to Alucard seem to be vindicated in this chapter.
Then again, I do believe, he's the most famous example of an "honest Monster" in our recent Media.
The only other one that comes readily to mind is ironically Dracul (Vampire and god) from "Queen of Blood" by "Sir Will".
Seem to recall that one of "Gourmet's" friends, who has gone off the scope and not seen at Madam A's "diner" wore a Clown mask as well.
Clue or foreshadowing?
Wait and see.
| Guest chapter 14 . 4/12/2019
*... but they think the people who told him were lying.*
"... told him that were lying."
*Hell, I'd be more surprised the two of them got together if I didn't know how bookish they both were.*
"... more surprised that the two ..."
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As I said, knew you had plans for her, but I can only comment on what you've offered and not on what's in your buffer. And what you had thus far was enough to raise some flags, hence the comments.
It may just be a pacing issue. The whole "antagonistic to grudging respect to friends to falling in love" thing is a common enough theme.
However it takes time to properly develop and while you have done longer fics, most of yours are around roughly 24 to 29 chapters or so. The pacing in your Cauldron Entry was more akin to your regular ones, rather than your long ones.
Maybe that was causing me to find it all off a bit.
Really not sure I can fully put it into words, much to my own chagrin.
Having said that, the basic structure was sound. Although you could, setting aside that new idea you've had, consider an adaption of sorts.
The juxtapositioning of the truthful Monster vs the Lies of the Wizarding World and how they're simply monsters in human guise, who lie about what they are.
Tommy boy and him being a Paragon of Pure Blood.
Albus and him being a Beacon of Light and Goodness.
In contrast with say the E'to seen in Raptor. Blunt, unapologetic (also like Touka), yet still classy. No artifice on what she is, no delusions of grandeur or megalomania, just a survivor in a messed up world, least that's my reading. And as for the trolling, what's life without a few laughs.
Suspect that this E'to would've done her homework on Harry first, before going to talk with him. Unlike your Cauldron version. So less jealousy and more a "these are the facts, deal or don't deal, that's your call" approach. Like, I said, an honest Monster.
Don't think such E'to would've been raised by Lily though.
Now an amnesiac James is an option, one that's forgotten the lessons that turned him into a man good enough for Lily's taste, forgotten the social mores that made him ashamed of his "one-eyed ghoul status". One more ruthless and cruel to those who oppose him. One that's progressed from pranking to trolling.
Would explain why he initially befriended Remus, as he could understand the latter's position.
His animagus form was more a representation of him wanting to be "normal" and fit in with the "herd", same applies to his unrealistic trust in Dumbledore. All things that would be echoed by his son.
The reunion with Harry would also fuel internal character conflict/growth for James. The man he was vs the man he is now. Reconciling or rejecting his past.
Either way, full Papa Wolf mode after seeing the various scars on his son and how underweight and short he is.
How would James be a one-eyed ghoul? Pre-Retcon Black family secret, having inherited it from his mother Dorea, who got it from her father, who got it from his father, who got it from his mother, who was a Half Blood with some impressive accomplishments, and she herself was the product between a Pure Blood male and a female ghoul, magic itself preventing the pregnancy from being "self-terminated". Which is how the "line" kept going.
The Blacks are well known for their Dark Magic and eccentricities, that would make it easy to hide a "ghoul" in the family.
Sirius knew as the Family heir and Regulus may have known as well, as he was supposed to be Sirius' replacement. Don't think the Older Black generation would tell the younger ones, who weren't involved somehow.
Arcturus would've known as Family Patriarch. Possibly, Cassiopeia as well, considering her ties to the Mundane world, easier to pick targets that way. She spots a dealer while looking for some boytoys? Guess who gets tagged for later munchies.
Keeps the heat down by picking those that regular society deems "undesirable".
Should present a challenge to your writing skill, considering your dislike of James as a character. Yet, this would allow you to paint him as Dark, as you've done in some of your bash fics, yet give you an angle to make him likeable as well, like with your HP/Resident Evil series, where Harry was adopted by little Miss "Code Veronica".
As she was hardly a moral or "good" person, yet she was one hell of s Momma Bear and loved Harry truly.
An additional challenge to your writing chops, would be that this also features a Light sided canon idiot Harry, who'd get his eyes opened, be forced to use his brain more and move to a Grey/Dark Grey mentality.
Mind you, this is just a suggestion on how you could pull it off though, so feel free to ignore it and do your own thing, as I do enjoy your work, even if I'm a bit detail picky at times.
Personally not invested enough in the Tokyo Ghoul setting to put it on my own story idea lists. *shrugs".
| Guest chapter 13 . 4/12/2019
*... I'm gonna you something to REALLY scream about!*
"... gonna give you ..."
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- Hamming it up.
*Ayato stared at him incredulously, his kakugan gone for now. "…Of all the…stupid things…you're imitating…Might Guy?" he rasped.
Harry merely kept grinning. "Better than a chuunibyou.*
He missed flashing the thumbs up, while stating: "Better than a chuunibyou, as that's most unyouthful."
That'll either have Ayato bsod some more or have his brain explode as it wants out of the universe, before Harry can pull off that Sunset Genjutsu.
Death is a kinder fate. ;-P
- Parting of the Ways.
I think, but this is just based on my impressions of what you convey in this story rather than the source material, that part of Kuzen's problem is similar to canon Remus.
They're cowards with self confidence issues and possible self loathing of them being "monsters", that they end up acting in a self destructive way, that ends up biting them in the ass.
And unlike say a Shinji Ikari, they're old enough that they should realize that they're screwing up and should really find some in-the-know help to get over their issues.
In his case, as soon as he was free of V, he should've put out feelers to try and find her.
Granted, it was insane hiding her in Ward 24, as it would teach her all the wrong lessons (like a certain Old Wether only avoided through authorial plot armour), BUT it would also be the last possible place anyone would look for her, because as stated it would be insane to hide her there..
So a sound tactical move, but a poor strategic one.
Which is now biting him in the ass.
As Harry wasn't wrong, about a heads up being reasonable.
The forces you know are out there, you can plan for, the ones you don't know about often end up killing you. (Often snipers.)
Think that's also why he let Harry lambaste him, guilt, a desire for someone else to judge him for his "crimes", to confirm his own self recriminations.
In the most optimistic reading, this would be akin to Harry's anger and magical discharge in the Headmaster's office at the end of Book 5, when Dumbledore is supposedly coming clean.
Then again, I'm not an optimist and while I believe Dumbledore was setting up his next play with some fake remorse (all the manipulations in the next two books sure as hell don't seem to indicate that it was genuine, as it's just more of the same).
I do think that Yoshimura is sincere here, he just has no ideas how to fix things, how to convey everything involved, so he picks the easy route and remains quiet.
As said, kinda like canon Remus towards Harry, no stories about his parents, Harry knowing nothing of his heritage (Remus himself is a half blood, so he should know the importance of these things), but to get that close to Harry he'd then have to explain why he never tried to find him, or even write to him (Remus was supposedly good friends with Lily, surely he'd know about the Royal Mail and postage stamps.)
And that's something he couldn't do, so he did and said nothing instead.
- Proper dinner etiquette.
*Umbridge got her just desserts.*
Don't you mean she became dessert?
After all E'to had those other wizards as the other courses and Mado was the after dinner mint.
- Odd relationships.
You can be on opposing sides, hate each other guts, yet still be able to respect the skills and drive the other person has.
It's kinda like Alucard and Anderson in a way, although also mix and match aspects to fit the picture.
E"to is the inhuman monster (like Alucard), is a zealot (like Anderson), is a troll (like Alucard)
Harry is the ... unusual human (like Anderson), is more open-minded (like Alucard), is also a bit of a zealot (but it seems more akin to Alucard and his devotion to the Hellsing family, than Anderson's "Burn the Heretic, Flay the Mutant and Kill the Xeno" approach.)
Just my impression of them though.
| Jostanos chapter 17 . 4/11/2019
Please take your time. I mean.. Look at me! I haven't reviewed Raptor of the 20th Ward in a long time, Q.
Hm... Excellent chapter as always!
| Leicontis chapter 13 . 4/11/2019
Umbitch "got her just desserts" or "was just dessert"?