|Reviews for Smash Brothers Odyssey Book 5: Ultimate|
| Mild Guy chapter 17 . 8/24
That was adorbs!
I could see Snake doing something like this with moldy rations, and receiving a long lecture over commlink from one of his support team members. Home cooking, made with cigarette ash, and love.
Also like how you have Smash characters connecting over common interests and gifts, like the pants Nana gave to Snake.
Haven't played Edelgard and Hubert's game, but from what I've experienced in other FE games their dialogue sounded spot on-great job on that!
| Mild Guy chapter 16 . 7/31
The villains make some moves, strike some bargains. Always cool to see antagonist POV chapters.
The exchange between Peach and Mario was sweet.
| Mild Guy chapter 14 . 7/16
There's something about Sans inspiring an existential dread in Mario I found poignant. All Smash Bro worlds have multiple timelines like his does, they're just spared the cursed knowledge of it.
Always kinda felt for Sonic, he's usually the odd rodent out. I love that Snake and Isabelle are room mates. Reminds me of one piece of fan art I saw where Snake is explaining tying dog teams to sleds for the arctic games, and Isabelle says something like, "Oh yeah, we did that a lot in college."
| Mild Guy chapter 12 . 6/30
Seven Stars Above is a great oath for Mario.
You did as good a job of integrating a character like Sans as anyone could. I doubt I would've managed it half so well. His canon backstory (such as it is) meshes pretty well with your story's setup.
I fondly remember playing KoF arcade machines back in the day (though Samurai Shodown was my jam). Loved that you wrote out an entire 3-on-3 match! And Terry and Andy and Joe all felt in character! Corrin getting to do her dragon thing was cool, and she could've won if she wasn't holding back.
Enjoyed this much! For concrit, well, typos are your constant enemy, but almost every sentence was easy to scan. I don't really have any complaints about the story, and you had a lot to juggle in chapter 12, so it's understandable there's fewer descriptions and digressions. Good stuff.
| Mild Guy chapter 9 . 6/11
This one confused me a bit, but then I've only played the 1st and 3rd Dragon Warrior/Quest games.
A good attempt at addressing a complicated situation, with all the past DQ protagonists acting as alts/spiritual peers to Hero. I was a bit confused in the first part about the relation of the 'cabal' to Erdrick, as it sounded as if Mario might've been talking about a meeting of the forces of evil or something like that.
It's fun seeing Mario run things, both as administrator, and tournament producer. Man, making Erdrick just sleep on the floor, that's cold. They couldn't have gotten him a sleeping bag or something?
| Mild Guy chapter 8 . 6/6
The cuts from the fight to the various spectators were well done, and having Mario talk about demographics and other business talk is hilarious to me.
Never played a Persona game but I did pick up the feeling that you're keeping people in character. They're distinct from one another.
Good job on integrating Smash Bros game mechanics into the fight. Maybe too good of a job. The fight itself, at times, began to read like a blow-by-blow log of two gamers playing a Smash match, rather than "live" characters participating in combat. Guess I'm trying to say it could be a bit dry sometimes, with little or no emotional connection to the characters. You created a replication of a Smash match in text, but lost the soul in some passages.
That's the tricky thing when it comes to converting video game action into prose. What works great for a video game, doesn't necessarily work well in a textual story. Repetitive actions in "long" stretches between any dialogue or emotion or character interaction can get tiring for a reader. Imagine the excitement in playing through a classic platformer like Mega Man or Mario. Then imagine reading a log of those characters jumping, shooting something, jumping again. Running hard and jumping. Breaking a block. Timer running low. Shooting stomping jump jump, climb ladder, get hit and get pushed back, collect some coins-OMG boss and now the characters get to be people and talk to each other, oop-back to run, jump, parry, shoot die, repeat.
Fun to play. Reading, though...
And I'm not saying you were doing this all the time, but some of the time. And I'm not saying it's wrong to recreate a Smash match in prose, but it does require some care to make it work.
There were also some repetitive phrases and words that could be cut. I would've liked some explanation on what "teching" a maneuver means.
Overall though, you seem to like Persona and you brought some of that RPG's charm and personality to these two chapters. I'd be more specific, but again, haven't had the pleasure of playing a Persona game.
| Rie Sonomura chapter 8 . 6/2
“I’ll reveal your true form!”
I love the perfect balance of meta-ness and natural flow with the fight scenes, you described all the moves so well, and bringing up Futaba possibly hacking Battlefield was a nice touch.
What can be improved... punctuation and grammar, for the most part. A lot of sentences don’t end in a period or similar closing punctuation. The transition from thoughts to regular scenes could be a bit smoother too. Other than that, this was neat! I’ll give the whole thing a read when I can.
| Puph 17 chapter 32 . 5/24
Wow! I was not expecting this meaty of a chapter, but it was great! I liked the many scenes of different Smashers doing many different things. My favorites were the rock smashing contest and the interaction between the mountaintop conversation! Nana needing to knit Mewtwo a sweater so he can meditate in peace on a mountaintop because some yahoos decided to smash rocks in his cave is absolutely hilarious! Also, Quinn is looking to be a well written OC, looking forward to seeing more of him! If I were to offer a suggestion, it would be that this chapter was really long compared to your other chapters, and it might be worth breaking it into a Part 1 and Part 2 for consistency's sake, though it looks like this is already a multipart section. Overall, nice work! Can't wait for the next part!
| Falco Player chapter 32 . 5/14
The origins chapters were all rather short, but judging from this it looks like the length is going to go way up. It was nice to see more of the Smasher dynamics, especially since with the origins arc it was easy to lose sight of some of the built up arcs (like the conflict amongst Team Star Fox). I liked the way you handled all of the Square Enix characters, as well as that nod towards certain FFVII happenings. And the way you weaved in all of the different areas from the single player modes was nice. I'm guessing Pepper was the unlucky guy who got lost during Melee.
During the section with the Awakening trio Corrin just sort of teleports into the scene like she was always there, I had to jump back a few paragraphs to make sure I hadn't skipped her entrance. Also at one point you write 'Hero explained eagerly' when in every other instance the narrations refers to him as Erdrick. And as a general note I completely forgot Saki was in this fic until he got namedropped as one of the grounded Smashers, I had to double back to Quinn's origin to make sure it was the Saki I thought it was. Since he didn't even get an origin chapter I think he's in the most need of a section about him, and that's not just my S&P bias talking.
| GuenZhenXuan2020 chapter 32 . 5/12
AMAZING Chapter though, I LOVE IT!
| Mild Guy chapter 6 . 5/10
Chrom just takes everything in stride, doesn't he? Alas, haven't played his game yet.
Chapter 6 is the best so far. And I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. Impressed how you laid out the strategies the fighters decided upon, and why. The fight was fun, and you made good use of Mac and Ken's particular fighting styles. There's an enthusiasm present that was missing in previous chapters. Definitely improving.
''Ken could see Mac's face cave to accommodate his fist.'' Nice line.
| Mild Guy chapter 4 . 5/7
Daisy and Luigi, Sam and Bayo, they're cute together.
And hey, Mega managed not to get impaled this time.
| Mild Guy chapter 2 . 5/4
For someone who can see into the future, Skulk should know better than to try to C-block the Weegie.
Conker! Having a good guy get corrupted and making bad decisions is more interesting than having one of the usual suspects launching yet another plot to dominate the world. You setup a nice hook, with the promise of abuse of great power and a funky Legion of Doom of odd Nintendo villains. It never would've occurred to me to dip into Diddy Kong racing for characters.
Not gonna front ya, dawg, but that first chapter begs for a thorough copy-edit. And I would've liked to have more insight into King Rool's thoughts and motivations. I understand he recognizes there's a huge threat that requires cooperation staring him in the face, but why is he so quick to side with the Kongs and the Smash Bros? Does he feel any conflict over this?
All-in-all, it's a promising start.
| Raeror chapter 31 . 5/3
Good to see the River City Girls here! I the know buzz has kinda faded from their game, so I'm glad they show up in this fic. The Ice climbers are a PERFECT ambassador to Smash with them. IDK if your gonna have a the RCG fight as one or not, but I'm curious to find out.
There is an issue with the dialogue tags where someone goes 'answered X', 'said Y', etc. Now granted, the multiple dialogue that keeps the story light and quick paced (good run down on the story of VCG or those who haven't played it) But it always becomes noticeable and static. And not that the characters talking aren't entertaining. There's just this lack of environmental atmosphere with how bare-bones it can read. I don't know where you are in your next chapter, but my recommendation would be to try to get more sentence variation in, especially on dialogue.
And I don't want you to think that I'm ragging on you. I've been struggling with this for years, and I still struggle with it.
But congrats on finishing the first arc after a year and a half of work! I don't know what the Weekend will be, but it sounds like two days of pure chaos. Can't wait for it.
| GuenZhenXuan2020 chapter 31 . 4/7
AMAZING Chapter though, I LOVE IT!