|Reviews for Iron Uzumaki|
| Jonathan Ortega Rojas chapter 9 . 10/13/2020
Hola espero tu siguiente capítulo es excelente
| jordanelow chapter 9 . 6/3/2020
| jordanelow chapter 9 . 6/3/2020
| loquendo 2005 chapter 9 . 5/15/2020
me encanto este capituo, porfa actualiza
| dragon of d3ath chapter 5 . 3/6/2020
why do I have a feeling Naruto is Tony Stark and yue is pepper potts
| frankiebayer2002 chapter 9 . 1/9/2020
more I must read more get stories
| Strongwind chapter 9 . 11/1/2019
so titanbuster is basically a perfect susanoo uzumaki's version?
| Oma Zi-O chapter 9 . 9/29/2019
Is Yoruka will be pairing with Naruto along with Yue?
| commandershadow chapter 9 . 9/22/2019
when is the next chapter ?
| Bored Editor chapter 1 . 9/19/2019
Ok, so... your story seems like it has a lot of potential! I really think you have a gem here. However, it needs polishing. Specifically, the grammar needs a bit of work. Every time I read something with bad grammar, it breaks the immersion as my brain halts for a second to correct the sentence to make sure I understand it properly. I'll try to read more, but here is an example chapter with edited grammar. It isn't perfect, probably far from it considering I'm better at grammar than story writing, but it's fluid enough to be read without the brain stopping to check again.
Think of it like Obi-Wan and Anakin Skywalker in episode three. Spoiler Alert, if for some reason you haven't watched that yet...? Obi-wan has far less potential in the force, his midi-chlorian count is relatively average. Probably about 8,000-ish. Anakin is said to have over 20,000; a minimum of 5,000 over what experts within the star-wars character list consider someone to be of 'pure force'. Anakin can practically scream at the force with a microphone on volume 10/10 and hears the same volume in return, meanwhile... Obi-wan is volume 4/10 or even 3/10. There might very well be some communication errors for Obi-wan due to not being able to hear the force perfectly or speak to it very clearly. However, Obi-wan has refined his communication with the force; learning how to basically 'cup his hand over the microphone' and 'modulate his voice so the microphone can pick it up better'. Anakin didn't learn these things until after he lost much of his power in the force due to losing his arms and legs. When he finally mastered his power, he was stronger than Obi-wan... but far weaker than he could have been, if he still had the mid-chlorians in his arms and legs.
Your imagination is the mid-chlorian count, you seem to have a relatively high imagination. If you refine your grammar, it's like you're Anakin learning to master his force-powers without a loss of mid-chlorian. Altering his future for the better, possibly never falling under the rule of Palpatine.
This is sort of like a one-off beta proof-reading. You can use it if you like, or ignore it. Whatever you feel like. Personally, I'd probably open two windows and use it to as a side by side example to rewrite the chapter in my own words with better grammar. But that's just my preference.
Have you considered writing your own book? Refining your grammar, at least enough for the editors to easily make sense of it, would help you do so.
Again, I think you have a lot of potential. You just need some work, it took me about ten years of really focusing on language to overcome my own dyslexia and ADHD... well... overcome for the most part. I'm still making small mistakes despite the fact I've been considered to have 'above average proficiency' at it, even if those mistakes are at least partly from my issues. However, I was like... eight...?... I think it was... when I started trying to overcome my issues. The older you are, the more developed your brain will be and the easier it will be for you to overcome any issues you have, permanent like my dyslexia and ADHD or temporary such as being smart yet ignorant of what you need to know like Naruto, and learn languages. So it probably wouldn't take more than two or three years if you worked hard. I recommend reading books like Harry Potter and closely observing the sentence structure. That's the sort of book that has decent grammar and also draws you into it to make reading really fun rather than a chore. However, any book that has been published by at least an average book company which you enjoy will do. Pay attention to things like where plural words are or are not needed.
You don't have to be perfect, either on fanfiction or if you decide you want to be a professional writer. As a professional, an editor would help put the final touches in place by checking it and marking it before giving it back to you, and then check over your finished product once you have looked over their markings. But... you could be so much more if you did refine your grammar. More reviews, more follows, more favorites, and an exponentially higher chance of getting a book published... if that's what you decide you want.
So here it is, a beta-read of your story's first chapter.
Naruto slowly trudged back to his apartment. Fresh memories ran through his mind, of the older villagers taking their children and younger siblings away as they yelled insults at him. After twelve years of this... the Uzumaki was long-since used to it, and each time admittedly still hurt, but he had to try. Naruto could practically feel his loneliness eating him up inside, growing worse day by day and only abated by the occasional visits from his 'Hokage-jiji'.
The streets were nearly empty, most having gone inside due to the sunset slowly fading into darkness as a chill wind swept through Konoha's streets. However, as he passed by an alley, Naruto heard heavy breathing and soft hisses as if each inhale was painful.
Staring at the alley for a moment, he sighed before hesitantly stepping inside; knowing how it felt to be hurting and alone, "Um… h-hello… is... is anyone there?"
The breathing went silent as Naruto continued inward, "Um… is... anyone here?"
Shadows from the buildings made it difficult to see anything, but he continued onward; he was trying to be a Shinobi... and Shinobi couldn't afford to be scared.
Suddenly, a cold metal pressed up against his throat. A faint stinging gave him the horrifying realization that he was just one movement away from having his throat cut open like one of the rabbits Iruka-sensei had taught his academy class to skin.
The fear coursing through his mind only grew worse as a ragged voice sharply hissed in his ear, "Who are you?"
Naruto stiffened and went to shout, but a hand snapped over his mouth; then the voice growled into his ear, "Don't even think about it. Not a single sound. If you so much as talk above a whisper, I'll slit your throat."
Naruto shuddered as he nodded lightly, but it seemed to appease the deranged attacker enough for them to remove their hand. He then heard something dripping behind him as a familiar coppery smell invaded his nose. Blood. It was a substance he was far to familiar with, and not just from the academy's wilderness survival lessons.
Naruto's eyes darted around, not daring to turn around but also unwilling to leave someone to die, "Um… are you okay?"
There was silence, then his captor spoke again; this time a touch of disbelief and curiosity bleeding into their tone, "Why do you ask that?"
Shifting uncomfortably as the knife continued to slowly dig into his neck, Naruto mumbled, "You're hurt... aren't you? You're bleeding."
He heard a bit of startled realization in their voice now, "How did you know?"
"Well… I just... know what blood smells like. And... I can hear the dripping." Naruto muttered as a tremble ran through his body "I'm... I'm trying to become a Shinobi so I can make my jiji proud and protect those who deserve it. Most people in Konoha don't seem to... but... I've met a few good people."
The voice hummed thoughtfully, "You're part of the academy. What is this orange tracksuit thing? Stealth training gear? You'd be spotted in an instant, so... I guess it would probably be pretty good for that. Is there anyone with you?"
"Um… no… I... I'm all alone…" Naruto muttered with a hint of sadness in his tone along with a faint bit of irritation at her dissing his favorite tracksuit.
His captor sighed, then slowly removed the knife and stepped back into the shadow before he could turn around, "Get out of here… don't come here again. And don't speak a single word about me."
"W-Wait... aren't you injured?" Naruto asked, peering into the shadows worriedly.
"Just get out…" they muttered.
The Uzumaki frowned, "But… I can't just... abandon you…"
A snort echoed from the shadows, as if they were amused by his naïvety, "You want to help someone who just threatened you? Held you at knife-point?"
"Well… something happened for you to get injured, right? And I always feel really angry and want to lash out at people after I've been hurt. So… you can't help it, right? It wouldn't be fair for me to judge you for defending yourself." Naruto mumbled, as memories ran through his head of bullies both young and old attacking him.
They chuckled, the dark shape briefly clutching at their sides, "... Heh… I… suppose it wouldn't be... hah... fair... no. But... what can you do anyway? Last I checked, they don't teach anything more than basic first-aid at the academy. I've got that covered, so unless you know a place I can get actual supplies for it, and maybe food for the night without risking another attack... just leave. I'm getting annoyed at having to tell you over and over again."
Naruto rubbed his hair thoughtfully for a moment, then shrugged, "How about... staying at my place? I have a medical kit you could use. And there's ramen!"
The shadowy form stiffened and he could practically feel the disbelief oozing from their voice as they muttered, "… What about your family?"
"Um… I... don't have any to be exact." he mumbled.
Then quickly stiffened and tried to sound positive, "B-But don't worry! The old man gave me an apartment to live in! It's got hot water, and blankets, and ramen! I love ramen... uh... do... do you... like ramen?"
There was silence for a moment, then the voice asked in an almost fond tone that seemed strangely similar to the ones he's often heard older siblings use, "Then who is this old man? There's no way someone is just giving a place to an orphan out of the goodness of their heart? Besides... isn't the village required to give each orphan in the academy an apartment? That's how most village leaders get their non-clan Shinobi, the kunai-fodder they use to distract people from the clan Shinobi. The orphans either survive being fodder long enough to become powerful Shinobi, or die slow enough for the clan Shinobi to finish their first fights."
Naruto blinked rapidly, "I... u-um… he's the leader of this village. Hokage-jiji. He's really nice… he even gave me an allowance to buy food and stuff!" Said Naruto
Another snorted echoed from the shadows, "Hate to break it to you... but... how do you think orphan is supposed to survive long enough to become kunai-fodder? They give you an allowance because they have to give you one, or you'll starve before their investment in you is paid off. Still... you speak as if you know the village leader personally. That's... unusual. Maybe I'm blowing hot air and he really does think of you as more than disposable trash. Probably not, but maybe. I've honestly never heard of a Kage actually taking the time out of their day for just one kid. You might be legitimately special to him for some reason. If so... good on you, I guess."
Naruto stared at the shadowed figure with wide eyes, as if unsure how to respond.
Then, they sighed, "Okay… I suppose there's no reason for me not to trust you. It seems like you're honestly just a strangely nice kid. I didn't think people as nice as you actually existed. But here you are, I guess. So... lead the way."
Naruto blushed and ducked his head, "O-Oh… ah... I... thank you. Okay… f-follow me. Right this way! We... um... we'll have ramen and get you healed up! Then we can sleep. I've got school tomorrow and Iruka-sensei says sleep is important to healing."
The shadowy figure slowly stepped from the darkness, revealing a girl about his own age. She was holding quite a wound at her side, judging by the sheer size of the bloodstain across her shirt and oozing down to her shorts.
Her long, faintly red hair glimmered in the dim lighting. She was wearing a short black top and some shorts, with a long black, hooded coat.
"Done checking me out?" Asked the girl.
"Ah… sorry about that… this way." Naruto mumbled with a blush, then quickly turned away while sheepishly scratching the whisker birthmarks on his cheek.
At the apartment, the girl raised an eyebrow as she saw graffiti on the walls by his door. One in particular stood out, a large scrawl of 'Back to Hell Demon'.
She frowned and muttered, "Need to gather some info on this."
Unlocking the door, Naruto paused and glanced back at her, "Oh yeah… I didn't catch your name?"
She narrowed her eyes and all but growled at him, "Why would you need that? It's not like I'm going to stay here long…"
"… Oh... yeah…" Naruto muttered, quickly glancing away to try and hide the grimace forcing its way across his face.
The girl sighed, then rolled her eyes as she murmured, "…Yue."
Naruto blinked and quickly glanced back at her, "Eh?"
"Yue Huang… that's my name…" Yue sighed out, though her expression made it clear that even she wasn't sure why she told him.
"Okay… Yue-chan then! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo!" Naruto exclaimed before grinning widely and giving her a thumbs up.
"It's just a name. Why is he so happy at that? Also... chan? That's... awfully bold... seems like a bit of a knucklehead." muttered Yue as Naruto pulled the door open.
The pair looked around his apartment and found it was quite messy, with scrolls and empty instant ramen cups everywhere.
Naruto blushed and quickly rushed to clean up a bit as he sheepishly said, "Ah… don't worry about this. Here you can sleep on the bed. I'll just put some sheets over the Tatami in the corner and sleep down there."
Yue just sat on the bed and waited as Naruto brought the first aid kit his 'Hokage-jiji' had provided him. Even if he didn't really need it since he usually just came home and slept off his injuries and felt perfectly fine after a few hours, Naruto considered it a thoughtful gift and treasured it like the few others he had gotten. For instance, the strange dog-hat someone had left him; or Mr. Ukki the potted plant.
"Here… it's not much…" Naruto muttered as he set it beside her.
Yue silently takes it before removing her coat and lifting up her shirt far enough to clean her wound. Naruto immediately turned away with a slight blush as he muttered, "Um… are you hungry? I've got some ramen! Ramen's the best food ever!"
Naruto quickly left the room, the mere thought of someone refusing ramen beyond his comprehension.
"That will be fine…" Yue murmured as she slowly used a basic interrupted-suture technique to seal her freshly cleaned wound.
After bandaging it to avoid infection, Yue looked at her surroundings and noticed a wall that looked like it was going to collapse. This 'old man' he had told her about clearly either arranged this on purpose or this was all he could do. And considering he was supposedly the Hokage, Yue had a hard time believing the latter. Letting her wondering gaze continue onward, she found his ninja equipment on a nearby table and stepped over to inspect it with a critical gaze.
And the result was… terrible. She doubted these could even be thrown at all. The tips were dull and they were too heavy. If it was her, she would have killed the bastard who cheated her with these. Well... assuming she allowed herself to be fooled so badly as to buy the useless things at all.
Her musing was interrupted as Naruto came back with two cup of ramen and said, "Here you go… sorry... I don't know what flavor you prefer..."
"Like I said… anything is fine…" Yue murmured, taking a cup even as she continued glancing around.
They ate in silence for a while, then Naruto hesitantly spoke up, "Um… so… how did you get that wound in your side?"
"Just something happened… that's all." She muttered, barely pausing between bites.
Naruto frowned and distractedly poked his noodles, "Oh…"
The silence continued on as they finished eating. Then, when they were done; Naruto pointed towards a door, "The... um… the shower is through there… uh... i-if you're wondering…"
"Um…" Yue murmured as Naruto took her empty cup and threw both in the bin.
"… You are a Academy Student, right?" She asked.
"Yes…" Naruto said as he tilted his head curiously.
Pointing to the kunai, Yue asked, "Does the school provide you the equipment in this village, like most Shinobi academies?"
"Um yeah… but after a few days they broke so I had to purchase from a store." He muttered with a shrug.
"Is that store the only one selling these?" Yue asked, looking at the tools with a disapproving glare.
"Um no… the truth is… the other stores all either chase me away or sell the regular ones at really expensive prices." Naruto muttered as he look down with crossed arms.
At that, a dark expression overcame her face; as if she were plotting someone's death then and there.
However, Yue only muttered, "I see…"
After a short while, she asked, "Where does this old man of yours live?"
"Um… I don't know… I can only see him when he comes here or if I go to the building with the big red tower on top of it. The er... the... administrative portion of the academy and the Hokage Tower." Naruto muttered, suddenly a bit perturbed about not actually knowing where his jiji lived.
"I see… well... let's go to sleep. You have school tomorrow, right?" Yue said, whilst tilting her head as she glanced out the window thoughtfully.
"Oh yeah… good night!" Naruto chirped pleasantly, happy to have someone to say goodnight to for the first time in a few weeks. His Hokage-jiji really wasn't around much, and Iruka had only recently started liking him enough to do things like take him to that awesome 'Ichiraku Ramen' place. Ever since the incident earlier in the year with the three enemy Shinobi, Iruka had been far kinder and more pleasant to him; but still spent little time with him.
Soon, soft snores echoed throughout the room; leaving Yue alone with her thoughts.
Yue stared up at the ceiling as she thought about the information gathered so far.
The Uzumaki being an orphan. The boy somehow managing to gain the attention of the village leader, yet still live in far worse conditions than what was normal for kunai-fodder in even mid-level villages; let alone one of the five great nations. And it seemed the village hated him to the point that they are doing something that would get him killed in the future. Finally, the word 'Demon' on the wall outside.
It all pointed towards him either being the child of a powerful missing-nin, or being a Jinchuuriki. She suspected the former currently, as him being a Jinchuuriki should've had her holding him at knife-point end with a kunai in the base of her skull. Jinchuuriki were never unguarded. They were to valuable of a weapon to just leave alone.
And yet, despite that one hiccup, everything else seemed to lean towards exactly that; a strangely unguarded Jinchuuriki.
Yue sighed as she simply did not have enough info. Closing her eyes, the girl began to slowly drift off to sleep.
The morning sun caused Yue to jerk awake, then she slowly relaxed and glanced towards the clock she had seen before falling asleep. She then sighed upon looking over and spotting Naruto still sleeping.
Rolling her eyes, she slipped out of bed before going over to nudge him awake, "Oi… don't you have school today?"
"Eh…?..." Naruto yawned and blearily stared at Yue in confusion, to used to living alone to immediately recognize her so quickly after waking up. He then remembered the day before and sat up eagerly.
"Yue-chan! … Good morning!" Naruto exclaimed.
"Yeah yeah… aren't you forgetting something?" Yue asked with a hint of amusement in her voice as she pointed to the clock.
"Eh?" Naruto murmured.
His eyes suddenly widened and he grabbed the clock before yelling, "AHHH! I'M LATE!"
As he shot up and quickly changed clothes, Naruto muttered, "I'm going to be chewed out by Iruka-sensei…"
"Remember the promise…" Yue muttered as she watched him grab his school books.
"Okay okay… I won't tell anyone you're here, Yue-chan." Said Naruto as he raced out.
"Good… now…" Yue murmured as she opened up her storage scroll for some casual clothes. She changed and said, "Time for some
| iknowyouwanttoknow chapter 9 . 9/2/2019
Hope for more chapters
| R reyes chapter 9 . 8/14/2019
... i have waited for months and finally my wish has come true FUCK YEAH AWESOME MORE OF THIS SHIT MORE DUDE
| Nicholas chapter 9 . 8/11/2019
Do you think you could make a naruto one piece crossover with naruto being adopted by the mink tribe?
| XenoLucifer chapter 4 . 8/12/2019
*sigh* the entire point of summoning is to support the summoner in missions, however giving him a summoning contract such as the dragon god contract kind of defeats the purpose since Bahamut could probably solo the ten tails... Like, each summon clan has a different purpose, like Itachi's crows being scouts and Jiraiyas toads being fighters, however even fighters like the toads aren't incredibly strong and are mostly used to support Jiraiya himself to either cover him or help him with a combination jutsu.
Not to mention Bahamut as I mentioned kinda defeats the point of the tailed beasts being the "Apex predators". Other than that you really need a beta.
| AngelFallenDemon chapter 9 . 8/12/2019
the chapter cant wait till the next one. Also how will princess sasuke take naruto taking over his fight?