|Reviews for OMF: 2097 #1 : The First Time|
| The Great Green Gryphon chapter 2 . 5/6/2002
Comments on other reviews:
1. Your story could stand more plot - not much developement of relationships with opponents.
2. What /does/ happen with Brian and Monica?
1. Occasionally, I think you mixed up pronouns...
2. Overall, pretty good.
3. I think you can del anonymous reviews, if you want to.
4. Can one still buy OMF?
| The Great Green Gryphon chapter 1 . 5/6/2002
Notes on other people's reviews:
1. You could stand more plot, but the fights are, imho, fine.
2. Your main char could have more reasons for doing things.
3. What /does/ happen w/ brian and monica?
Also, I think you can del anonymous reviews.
Btw, can you still buy OMF?
| The Great Green Gryphon chapter 5 . 5/6/2002
The first four were ok... you kinda lost it in the last one, though...
| 010001010101011 chapter 1 . 4/11/2002
Jeez, OMF is an old game. I had the shareware version, but I still like it! Raven and Christian were cool. So was Katana, Jaguar, and that Flail thing. (With the chains..) Anyways, I like your description of Brian when he fights- it's just like in the game where the pilot becomes the robot. Cool story.
CheezeMonkey, shut up. If you have something negative to say about something, at least try to give the author some credit. He is taking up his own time and effort to write something that he thinks people will enjoy. And at least leave your e-mail, so he can talk to you man-to-man. YOU ARE A COWARD, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
| Brian Sherlock chapter 5 . 2/27/2001
Hey, guys Author Brian here (to state an obvious), just to tell any of those that didn't go back and read my fourth story again, that I changed the name "Jeniffer" to "Monica" because of creative differences. I'm creative and she was being different. Jeniffer, I mean. Ok. Thank you.
| BrainyBoy chapter 5 . 2/26/2001
It was great until chapter four... might want to rewrite those. Totally ruined continuity. Were you hacked?
| ChibiCharizard chapter 4 . 2/6/2001
READ MY STORIES!
I AM NOT A MONKEY, AND I AM NOT FUNNY! (sorry, that was directed to Brian, who is annoying me right now...)
Look for author ChibiCharizard...
Nice stoy, anyway.
| ChibiCharizard chapter 1 . 2/6/2001
That's nice... Can I stop reading these for you now?
| Luke Rounda chapter 1 . 1/28/2001
There was a little improvement from version to version, but you're still lacking in areas. For instance, a lot of the description and story movement you have here really doesn't contribute much to advancing the plot at all - the fight was better, and you fixed some of your convention-type mistakes, like staying in the same person, but the whole first half really doesn't do anything for you. It's fine to describe the unimportant details if you're going to use them later, or if it helps to develop your character(s), but the physical training by way of jumping jacks, or eating lunch at...what was it, "Eat 'N Chew?" Anyway, as far as I can tell, these events don't really help me get a picture of Brian as a character in this story, except that he enjoys fast food, which really isn't relevant to dueling robots, if you ask me. Something I think you should focus on is developing his past as well as his present. Ask yourself - how did Brian come to compete in The Circuit in the first place? For Steffan, his parents were part of the rich social elite on a lunar city, and so 17-year old Steffan used his influence to nudge himself into the competition. Having the right connections, or something equally inspiring/lucrative gets you into sports when so young. It would be like being drafted by the NBA/NFL/N-whatever when you're still in high school. Granted, it's the future, so things are different, but some things never change, such as the fact that children are considered lesser citizens than adults, and also Darwinian theory that the strong surpass the weak. What makes Brian so special? He seems like an average teenager from what you've told us so far, which is OK if you have a reason, but so far I have nothing that could've inspired drafters to pick him up. Just a thought. If you try to incorporate this, then please, PLEASE don't explain it all for us in a single paragraph. Let the info trickle in, let the reader slowly discover why Brian's different. Keep writing, you'll get better.
| Phil Urich chapter 1 . 1/18/2001
Nice but just out of curiousity why did you throw in the part about him holding back?
| Phil Urich chapter 1 . 1/18/2001
I liked it
| Sniper chapter 1 . 1/11/2001
Good story so far. Like to see how tough Jennifer is. Great work.
| FallNScrape chapter 1 . 1/9/2001
Jennifer? Lol, good story I like it, can't wait to see what happnes with Brian and Jen. heehee
| Zac Trainer chapter 1 . 1/4/2001
I loved your series. I cant wait for number 4. Kinda makes me wanna create brian in the game.
| Silver Sparrow chapter 1 . 12/30/2000
Hmm..interesting,thanx for reviewing my fics...)