Okay. Overall, the story is fine. The plot is filled with super hero stuff people are looking from these kind of stories. The concept of pokemon themed super heroes in the pokemon setting is full of potential. The characters, both heroes and villains, has neat ideas about them.

Opening the story with the protagonist doing hero stuff is neat. It gives the readers what they want and provides lots of opportunity to introduce the character and to have some world building (opportunity that is sadly not well utilized).

Hawlucha actually lends itself to the super hero image. The bright colors, the wrestler theme, the mobility. Great choice of pokemon.

The pokemons also lends themselves well as interesting opponents and villains.

There is just a lot of potential with the concept.

What bring this story down is with the storytelling, in how the story is told. The story is told in a dull and dry manner. There is almost no attempt to draw the readers in and be engaged with the story. Issues includes lack of descriptions, uninspired prose, lack of characterization, poor narration of events and others. It just fails to draw you into the story and waste the materials it had.

Examples of problems caused by the rather poor storytelling:

You can't picture out what the heroes and villains looks like, which is kinda important in super hero stories, because of lack of description and details. Figure in gold and red armor? Armor like iron man or a roman soldier or a medieval knight? Can you please help us visualizing it please?

The characters don't express any personality and emotions since there is little to no attempt to show them. There is no characterization. The story doesn't even bother to tell you the character's personality or emotions. At the most, the characters would have exclamation points in their dialogue to show that they have some emotion of some sorts.

The action scenes are dull and unexciting because it is nothing more than straight forward blow-by-blow recounting. of what happens. Nothing more that a chronological list of actions. They puch, they kick, they blast things, they fall over, they run, etc. It is just so dry and unimaginative. No matter how great the actions are, it would be a waste if the readers can't see and feel its greatness.

Another issue I see here is the lack of self-awareness. The story wants the readers to be take it seriously. Come on. It is a story of a young man dressing up like a multicolored wrestler bird fighting villains who dress up with their corresponding animal mashups. Can you really take that concept with no hint of ludicrousness? This actually is a problem with some super hero movies actually like Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

And, with this specific chapter, the narration of the fight is odd. It is supposed to be news coverage on TV but it doesn't really narrate the events in that context. The camera for example is able to follow the action easily or pick up actions that shouldn't be visible. It even tells you stuff that couldn't be experienced by watching TV. For example, the out of frame fire. When you watch TV, that fire would seem to appear out of nowhere, but here it is conveyed to the readers. Another example would be narrating of two simultaneous actions that would be difficult, if not impossible, for viewers to focus on at the same time; like when Blaziken Man being beaten up by Sloth while his partner Blaziken is ensnared by Seviper. Really, it is told like it was a well shot, choreographed, and directed film than and actual news footage from a helicopter camera.

~~~~~~

Overall, full of interesting ideas but ultimately dragged down by its ineffective storytelling. It just doesn't know how to tell a story nor do it realize its importance. A scene of a character watching paint dry can be very engaging in the hands of a great storyteller but an action scene, no matter how exciting it was supposed to be, will be as dull as watching paint dry in the hands of a bad one.

Just finished reading through the story, and I must say I’m very impressed with this universe you have created and the characters living in it. You created complex and interesting characters out of the most absurd concepts of superheroes (such as Echo and the Cavalier), and each hero’s performances and skills, as well as their over the top equipment and outfits, fit into the theme in such a fluid manner you barely blink at how cheesy it can get. This mixes up action, hero tales, psychological analysis, politics and stills doesn’t feel detatched from the pokemon theme. All of this, wrapped by a plot that’s well thought out and that makes me itch to read what’s coming next.

Each character feels surprisingly alive and endearing, and I like how each character is far more complex than the stereotypes they initially seem to represent (like Isabelle, Joshua and Alex himself). They all get their moments of introspective and action to shine, without stalling the plot.

It does have its flaws, though, especially in terms of some of the fights where the heroes feel like untouchable juggernauts that can effortlessly dispatch hordes of goons that never run away or plan ahead (for example, by this point they should be taking more psychics and ghosts when they are dealing in an area Hawlucha Man operates at, since these could probably check him and Hierro best) and pokemon that really shouldn’t be matched by humans (Bisharp and Druddigon being examples), though I’m glad you usually leave the heavy hitters for the hero pokemon to take on. That being said, it’s still well choreographed and entertaining, so it’s not such a big deal.

Overall, amazing story, and I look forward to reading what’s next :)

Awesome chapter once again! Can we have a roster?

This is a really good story. The ensemble cast of heroes works well in the story from the straight shooter like Hawlucha Man to the darker and edgier Shadow. You’ve even managed to weave in mercenaries and others that are interesting characters to read about.

The only nitpick is of the espers, considering that dark is immune to psychic in Pokémon so really dark Pokémon and possibly trainers should be immune to psychic powers.

~Tyr
huh so a super hero fic eh, well then I guess I need to go put on a costume. Oh! and to all you peeps in the audience calling me a (Deadpool knockoff) because some stupid realistic pikachu got the voice actor and I'm going all hero spandex on this one, I'm not Deadpool...I'm actually funny. I mean really, 4D breaks, please references stopped being funny when people muddled the water with mediocrity like Star War references or worse rants on modern technology. So instead of gawking at me being a rip-off of Meervil or DickC, how about you appreciate that I'm stepping into your childhood hero guys and not being the biggest dick in a story for once. After all, righteous verbal comedic fury is the best kind of justice, at least that's what Judge Judy and spiderman taught me.
So without further ado, (drinks glass of water) let’s get amazing. All the pun intended.

[He the one stalking the Pokemon fandom by going to its category and only targeting the new writers effectively destroying them from writing in a degraded attempt to destroy the fandom.]

Love the “hero” role you’re playing here. *Yawn* but anyways,

[Hell, he's even going to say this bullcrap [KingPyle is a sockpuppet of lstwill56, who was banned on my sister's forum for using racial slurs and is now spamming the category as revenge.] or the even more crazy nonsense {Sockpuppet of Hybrid of Fate}]

None of these peeps are relevant. Like, if you’re going to warn, just be on topic. It’s fair, not getting on your case just being honest.

[His review will start off with a nonsense of him giving out constructive criticism when really its all flames. Then maybe he'll move on to you summary, or talk about the nonsense of Pokemon nanes, dailogue or some other nonsense. Best to block him before it happens alright.]

Like, not trying to shoot you with the pea shooter, but this introduction scroll for the film has gone on for longer than it did for Buck Rogers. ~~I know you thought I was going to say Star Wars HA!~~

Anyways, now that the disclaimer for rated R for (fill in the gap here), I’ll get to the actual body of this film.

[This is a really cliché bit of misogyny.]

And? I mean it’s only as cliché as it is some villainess using her charms and reasoning to play on the hero’s mind when she realizes she can’t beat him. Not so much misogyny as trying play around his sense of ideals to give an opening to get away. Personally, I’d just have said, “Now!” to get him to turn his head then kiss him square on the lips and knee his stomach leaving a five dollar bill and saying, “Buy yourself a shaker of salt and better pants, NERD!”

[Bad woman does bad things then tries to use her gender to get out of it, just so the hero can make a point about how unreasonable it is and how he's not falling for it?]

Yep, I recall when stupid people existed, good thing they don’t now….hmm….I need to make some coffee. Remember kids, Badness can gender bends too. HEY! Who remembers the “hit a guy with glasses” montage, and he hits the guy with glasses, HA!... I need my coffee (goes to make it)

[Which gets to the next problem, which is that this feels like you wrote generic superhero-verse then slapped pokemon theming on top.]

Which is interesting because it’s almost like its one chapter in. I mean, it’s not like you can call a coffee brand bad when in the bag on the shelf before I freaking buy it, but eh. (sets his cup down) except for Starbucks….screw Starbucks, and their cheese….~~and getting rid of my ability to do freaking POR-!~~

[The setting already has vigilantes who fight crime, namely any pokemon trainer who feels like using their pokemon to throw down.]

Except…we just saw….him with Nightwing barpolls…while she was controlling them….and he was handling her…as a team….mon…and person…..I bet the Dark Knight bored you as a kid huh, what with how little attention span it took to read that (sips)

Bleugh!...? WHO BOUGHT ME STARBUCKS AND DIDN’T TELL ME! YOU CHEAP LAZY FRE-!

[There's no standard-issue superhero tension about how it's important to have a secret identity or how the helpless civilians fear the few great men with power who choose to fight crime.]

Oh ho, now this is adorable. Considering we already have that nosey maid ~~and since we’re only one chapter in~~ there could be the potential she finds it out. Also, that guy Ronin mentioned who’s a vigilante and a rather dark one ~~considering we are just one chapter in~~ they might have some rough thing going on. Also, there’s the character in general. Seems like an angsty teen that is prone to make mistakes…(sips) ugh….AND WE’RE STILL ONLY ONE CHAPTER IN!...you know what….screw the coffee I’m grabbing soda.

Oh and please keep your implications to some kind of anti-hero bit regarding the stuff since we have yet to meet the character truly. I mean, I’m sorry Twilight was underwhelming, but don’t take it out on Superman…that butt is right up there to Solid Snake in that red vestment (sips)…huh…Dr. Thunder soda with a Dr. Doom brand…heh leave the reference to the professionals, Deadpool.

Alright, changing the channel. NEXT!

[Another day another ego centered user who feeds Farla.]

Yes, it was the dark of night. I briskly went over to the coffee machine but halting in the alley to make sure the coast was clear. I scurried in doing my best roll forward to it that would only comprise of half a second but it was more than one…damn you age. I assess if I had been seen, you never can tell with fans. I slowly curled my fingers, the ones that had brought many a life to an end, and pressed the “Dark and Black Coffee” button. I like it raw…like my personality. But not my life. I didn’t want life to be rawer than Black Coffee…sometimes, I wish I could enjoy Vanilla with cream…maybe even a cherry. But life doesn’t wait for sissies, life needs real rawness to grab it by the horns and shake it till it gives you the finger more times than your grandmother could count. And when you stand on it…you’ll see you never won in the first place. But thankfully…(grabs cup and drinks it masculinely) I have black coffee…in a dark…trouble brewing world….

[Pokemon names are actual names and should be capitalized as such. It's canon both in universe and out.]

…It’s canon…Capitalization of mon's names...is….canon…...I’m done (takes off mask) I’m done, I’ve reached the height of everything, I’M DONE! No one takes me seriously anymore! I mean, who writes this crap? Who writes this epic villain for I, TOP TYR! To face only to be disappointed with the tripping over the arguments as if it was somehow of substance…Screw you Disney! For giving me lame ass villains to work with!

TLDR: both of you are in nitpicking, neither are right or wrong, grab me Krispy Kreme donuts stat, oh and a latte...and maybe a lolipop

[And this is pointless bashing.]

STOP…just STOP….(crying) the seal is already dead…just stoo-o-o-o-p….(curls over the seal picture profile)…WHY!? WHY TAKE THE CUTE SEAL FROM US‽ YOU MONSTER! UUUghghghgh

…..do I win my Oscar now, like Heath Ledge, but without the additions? ~~probably with how easy they give them out now~~

[And useless rant is useless.]

Point without points is pointess….(sips)…don’t anyone make a chain out of this.

[And look more nashing.]

…I don’t know what’s worse…the typo…or the repetitiveness. Like dude, if yah got a commentary boner on, just do it normally. (sips) Feels goooooooooooooooood, like two sugar cubes, nicely basted in my-… OH MY ARCEUS I FORGOT I SWITCHED TO SODA!

[No self respect]

Hello coffee pot, my name is Windows 8, you’re broken! (sips with shades)

Now for all the honorable quick ones.

[This is why you block Farla beforehand.]

Seems the only one with a problem with Farla posting be you. (Sips) people can brew their own coffee.

[Should this be tag as anime? You could have avoided this drama if you did that.]

A slight mention, nothing more (sips)….if anything it looks less anime and more novelistic. Comic readers Heh

[I don't think that side story in the anime had a good template for a superhero story with pokemon.]

Read the comics…that superhero 101.

[Costumed heros are easily upstaged by ten year olds with Pokemon.]

That’s where the dastardly fan fic writer succeeds and becomes God to fill in for such…silly trivial things that…I’m sorry but 10? Really? My opponents are like 15 and get wrecked I mean come on GameFreak, what you think you doin’? (sips) #Gen4Remakes

[This user is in fact lying. Farla reviews regardless of workd. Hell, the only way was to block her...]

…or…and hear me out….ignore….I know I know I know….it’s crazy talk…but like…review….give good com….help build them up…and stir their coffee and you get a good blend. The more you know…(presses voice over clip for GI JOE “and knowing is half the battle”)…so why is Comedy Central still alive again if they aren’t funny?

[WHICH YOU DIDN'T SO CONGESTION ON BEING ANOTHER COW TO A SLAUGHTER!]

ALL CAPS MEAN I GO INTO IN HULK RAGE MOMENTS. OH NO! IT’S A HULK COW, TIME TO GO ALL UPSTANDING CITIZEN ON THIS AND! (starts chainsaw) SAW ANOTHER COW TODAY, HONEY!

[Block Farla. Seriously that solves everything but nope mist be an idiot.]

Or (sips), they don’t give a crap….hmm…novel concept…who would have thunk humans with abilities to think would actual be able to ignore…nah, we all know the power of handling things was invented when the block feature came on Twitter….worship the big blue bird, HAIL THE BIG BLUE BIRD (scratches reference to Devil Worship off the list)

Good grief, even Venom was better than this…oops did I just say that out loud (smirk), but honestly, if you someone going around putting people down, the least you could do is not join in especially if they didn’t know these things off the bat or see it. Like weird it’s almost like Calling someone an idiot for not responding trying to show your ever loving anti bully policy Backpedaling your case. (sips)…yep I just did a math….in a forum…

Hmm..though I need an ending quote or some kind of cliffhanger…nah I’m not marvel or DC…they just “Marvel at my Dashing Character” (scratches off puns equal to Dolly in bad)

So before I get into the bit of the commentary, I'd like to say that personally when it comes to it, I'm not that too keen regarding hero fics. However, this one has what I'd conclude as a good start that definetly grips to me in certain ways I'll get to later.

First, I'd like to say I like the way you did the fight scenes since well handling all the characters at once can be difficult to have all in focus. But I think you did well regarding how this "young hero" interacts with the lady along with how the battle plays out.

The second thing that gets me, is your dialogue. I enjoy the cliche-esque lines and the funny banter and the scene with the handcuffs were funny regarding his response. So from what I can tell of this character now, it's that he has a good looking up to this guy "Ronin" who is what I'd consider, does evil for good intentions or at least has some kind of moral obligation. The fact that our main character looks up to this guy after you did describe the body he left is honestly rather head scratching. While we can admire people we see as heroes, something about that doesn't really sound right but to be fair we are just getting to know your main character.

My only sort of issue is the lack of Alex and Hierro interaction since this is the main duo. While yeah, there's only so much interaction you can do in one chapter with one not even able to talk, I do think the scene of them waiting for the police to arrive could be an area to show more of Hierro's personality. He's a Hawlucha and all, that much is clear, though I'm curious to how much of the Vim and Vigor area this epic partner is. I have to say I liked this story and it was a good chapter. Hope you'll flesh things out more as I suspect the next one comprises of his less exciting part of life.

Block Farla. Seriously that solves everything but nope mist be an idiot.

[Should this be tag as anime? You could have avoided this drama if you did that.]

This user is in fact lying. Farla reviews regardless of workd. Hell, the only way was to block her... WHICH YOU DIDN'T SO CONGESTION ON BEING ANOTHER COW TO A SLAUGHTER!

[Blaziken man]
Should this be tag as anime? You could have avoided this drama if you did that.

I don't think that side story in the anime had a good template for a superhero story with pokemon. Costumed heros are easily upstaged by ten year olds with Pokemon.

This is why you block Farla beforehand.

Another day another ego centered user who feeds Farla.

[You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. ]

Pokemon names are actual names and should be capitalized as such. It's canon both in universe and out.

[This is a really cliché bit of misogyny. ]

And this is pointless bashing.

[mean, the thing that regularly causes permanent brain damage or outright kills people if it's done too long or just too hard.]

And useless rant is useless.

[Which gets to the next problem, which is that this feels like you wrote generic superheroverse then slapped pokemon theming on top.]

And look more nashing.

No self respect

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

["You son of a bitch!" she screamed, rushing in with his baton. Hawlucha Man grabbed his remaining rod and brought it up just in time to block her telegraphed overhead strike. He delivered another punch to the Soothsayer's abdomen, knocking the wind from her lungs. As she sucked in another breath, she cringed. "You want to call yourself a hero like Blaziken Man, but you'd beat up a girl?"]

This is a really cliché bit of misogyny. Bad woman does bad things then tries to use her gender to get out of it, just so the hero can make a point about how unreasonable it is and how he's not falling for it? It's particularly annoying when you go on to pack the cast of actual important people with guys.

[He stopped just short of making the Soothsayer faceplant into the pavement, instead putting her in a headlock and applying pressure to her carotid artery.]

...you mean, the thing that regularly causes permanent brain damage or outright kills people if it's done too long or just too hard. Which appears to have happened considering she doesn't wake back up and someone should wake back up within seconds when the bloodflow starts up again. If you want movie knockouts, either say he has magic kung-fu or get a pokemon with spore.

Which gets to the next problem, which is that this feels like you wrote generic superheroverse then slapped pokemon theming on top. The setting already has vigilantes who fight crime, namely any pokemon trainer who feels like using their pokemon to throw down. There's no standard-issue superhero tension about how it's important to have a secret identity or how the helpless civilians fear the few great men with power who choose to fight crime.

A warning seeing how your starting a new Pokemon story. Be warned of St Elmo's Fire, and Farla are the Pokemon fanfiction bullies. There is literally not a single story on this site that doesn't have his nonsense review. He claim everyone who opposes him are nothing but one user who stalks having nearly the whole fandom against him. Furthermore all the proof is on my prolfile including St getting removed by the admins.

He the one stalking the Pokemon fandom by going to its category and only targeting the new writers effectively destroying them from writing in a degraded attempt to destroy the fandom.

Please block him for yourselves. He's untrustworthy. Watch he's going to post some nonsense about "sock-puppets" as he's that predictable and is well known lair.

Hell, he's even going to say this bullcrap [KingPyle is a sockpuppet of lstwill56, who was banned on my sister's forum for using racial slurs and is now spamming the category as revenge.] or the even more crazy nonsense {Sockpuppet of Hybrid of Fate}

Which is funny as Istwill got removed for being a Neo-pagan while he is friends with an actual fascist.

Oh and if he goes on about this [ see you've been visited by KingPyle. My condolences. Authors have continually told her to stop doing this but she just won't leave people alone.]

Trust me I won't have to put those two unless he didn't put them in his reviews because he can't take no for an answer.

Plus, I have written a story and shown him that I'm not but he chooses not too.

He's been told to leave people alone and even made up the sockpuppet nonsense in a desperate attempt to discredit those that tried to stop him. Which is rather petty of him but hey he's a pathological liar.

His review will start off with a nonsense of him giving out constructive criticism when really its all flames. Then maybe he'll move on to you summary, or talk about the nonsense of Pokemon nanes, dailogue or some other nonsense. Best to block him before it happens alright.