Reviews for Being With You
Yincira chapter 2 . 1/12/2010
And ... back with pointing out more inconsistencies that would require fixing.

So, Rockna starts to tire and he walks faster? That is stupid, cause a faster pace might cause her to push herself too far. He can conjure water out of nothing, so the desert should not worry them. Being overheated should be a reason for concern, so speeding up is just the worst possible thing he can do. They should have taken a break instead. Did you already forget what you flashbacked a few paragraphs ago?

Furthermore, people should not travel the desert during the day, especially not when they lack protective clothing against the sun. They should have used some earth magic to create a shelter or remain near the woods.

He would not be able to recognize quicksand on sight, since all sand looks like sand on the top layer.

but the most extinguished one, was the one he felt of lost. the most

The part where he cries a single tear is painfully melodramatic, especially when he can't even recognize the emotion of sadness. Please stop this, it's horribly cliché. Likewise for talking to someone before noticing there is someone present. Also, we've seen in the anime he does not cry single tears when he's sad, he cries normally with two eyes.

Dream or not, why would Mondo mistake a blue haired girl for the green haired Rockna?

The boy is falling in the same old trap of wise old mentor figures : they never tell what is going on right away even when they have the chance, for no adequately explained reason.

The response of the villagers is not realistic, would they not have wondered where the water had come from? If Sai is invisible to them, there still should be confusion, as well as people returning with jars to store the water before it dries out.

As for depicting Mondo's despair, I'd recommend changing the 'slowly' parts to quickly, since he wants to find her fast after all.

Rockna has apparently been teleported somewhere else, so teleportation has not been deactivated. Mondo should have summoned a bunch of monsters right away even if he can't summon Rockna back. Why bother with the unicorn? He is close to Pegasus and could summon him even without card.

Furthermore, if the enemy was the one teleporting Rockna away, then why did they not capture Mondo as well? Again, this sort of things needs to be explained. Sai seems to know more about what is going on, and since he is an info-dump character anyway, you could use him for this purpose.

Overall, Rockna is said to need to mature, but why could she not do this at Mondo's side? Becoming the damsel in distress right away is more likely to stagnate character development than help it along.

Well, that was it. If you ever return to this site, I hope this will help you with the story.
Yincira chapter 1 . 11/11/2009
I hope you don't mind constructive criticism and I hope you take it to heart if you ever wish to revisit this story. This is going to very harsh and I don't put flowers on anything, cause that's not going to help you improve. If this threatens to depress you, just see it this way : I wouldn't bother pointing out all the things that don't make sense in this story if I didn't think it was worth the time to help you improve.

First off, don't include relevant information in author's note, integrate it into the narrative. A short paragraph introducing Mondo and Rockna going to school and mentioning their age would have been a better introduction than dumping the audience right into a scene.

Mondo and Rokuna live in Japan, (Ohya and Hiiragi are not American names either), so it's not likely all the children in their school except them have Western names.

There is no explanation why Mondo was sucked up. This only happens when Ichirobei pushes the buttons, so why did it happen? Also, the follow lines are a plot hole :

"Both Mondo and Rockna had a necklace that automatically transported them to Mon world, and all they had to do was think about where they wanted to go and they would be there.

In no time, they were back in the Mon world, where they hadn’t visited in at least 4 years, and things had changed."

If they have a necklace that can teleport them to Mon World that easily, why haven't they visited in 4 years? That is ludicrous, they have many friends there, why would they not go there for all that time? Why have they given up searching for the six Mon-Mon Items? What happened to their plans of uniting the worlds? These are important things that should not be ignored.

Furthermore, there is no practical purpose for these necklaces, it contributes nothing to the story. They could just as well use the ship, and if you intend for the necklaces to be deus ex machinas later, they could be introduced in a different way it a later point. This way, it comes across like you can't be bothered to properly write out your introduction scenes.

"There was not a single tree with leaves left and everything building was burnt to the ground."

You probably mean every building. Also, this is impossible. If all buildings of what probably used to be a town are burned down, home come the trees are still standing and only lack their foliage?

When you say Rockna finds a body, it makes it sound like she found a dead person. But it's a living person. And if Rockna can dig her up in a short enough time for Mondo to run after her, why hasn't this person freed herself already?

"Thank you, I was in there for weeks now, and no one has come"

There have been reports of people surviving for more than a week while burried under rubble, but only under the condition that had access to water the ENTIRE TIME, as in, there were people providing them water or they were under a leaking pipe of a collapsed building. There are no water pipes in Mon World due to the low technology level and she said there was no one around. She can't possibly have survived that long.

Assuming she did have water, it is still ludicrous all they notice is her beautiful traits. They should be seeing a starved, skinny girl covered by filth, possibly with bags under her eyes who can't stand properly due to lack of muscle use and her body feeding on its own tissue. Yet you describe her as only having a slightly torn dress and a cut on her arm ... has she been bleeding for weeks? That's another thing that can't happen. Bodies heal.

Several paragraphs ago you established that by thinking about where they wanted to go, they could simply go there. Yet they don't know this girl, even though she is prominent in her town and forest. Therefore, Mondo and Rockna can't have been here before. So how did they manage to think about this place and end up there? Now you've got a plot hole by ignoring rules you yourself established.

Mondo and Rockna should not ask why they are the chosen ones, they already know. This was explained by the Elemental Angels in the final episode.

The new prophecy you provide is way too vague, many people could fit that description in Mon World, since everyone has odd haircolors there.

For arts sake, think about what you write. You're not a bad story teller, but you need to learn to pay attention to what exactly you'r e doing and don't rush things. Most of the flaws in this story run down to that : you don't take the time to think about what you write.

The hidden valley that no one has ever been ... what? Been in? Been close to? And it is obviously not a hidden valley if she knows where it is. Stop contradicting yourself.

You should have described the pendants when you first introduced them.

Furthermore, a bright green light makes no sense : everything in Mon World/Rokumon Sekai goes by the circular gates.

People don't cry single tears. Also, why does she only start crying now and not when she was freed? This is not a very credible reaction.

"make sire everthing" should be "make sure everything".

As for the explanation about the forces that took over the world, it should be explained better. So Chow-Bing is only a dragon ... why didn't the angels do anything against him? They've got a dozen dragons and a whole army of demons under Gabriolis at their side. There are six guardian angels that watch over the five domains of the world, why didn't they do anything? It's not credible.

Mondo then feels something or someone. He can't do that, Rockna is the one with the sixth sense, why did you take it from her and give it to Mondo?

"I can feel it's presents" should be "I can feel it's presence". The enemies don't seem like they'd be handing out gifts.

Why did Natalie just randomly disappear? You seem to have introduced her only to dump information, and now she's served her purpose she disappears. Why didn't the enemy just kidnap her during any of the weeks she was caught in the rubble?

Why do they attack the shadows instead of trying to summon a monster to help them? In fact, why didn't they to try to summon any of their friends the moment they noticed something was wrong with the world?

So, the demon drops him from mid-air and then charged up to him? You mean, he charged down, after him.

Another plot hole : Natalie said nobody knew their weakness, yet Mondo discovers it within seconds? Yet nobody in Mon World discovered it in all the time they've been fighting these enemies? You're turning Mondo into a Gary Stu.

Why does his weapon turn into a sword? Mondo never learned how to use a sword, so it would be useless to him. And why doesn't Rockna get an upgraded weapon as well? Why doesn't she even try whether her own pendant will effect such a thing? You only threw in the pendants for deus ex machina purposes. They don't advance the plot, and only added a plot hole, so they might just as well have been absent. They're irritating.

With Natalie gone, how are they going to find the hidden valley? Since, you know, it's hidden? Why don't they just summon any of their friends who can fly? If summoning has been disabled too, that should have been explained already within the story.

Rockna is a smart girl, she should notice something is wrong with the fish situation, since canonically water and earth are what she has affinity to. But more importantly, she has the sixth sense, or should have it, and there is no way she would fall for a fake Mondo.

It's ironic how you have Mondo preach about Rockna's free will when right after Mondo keeps vital information from her, thinking she can't handle it. He is lying to her for no good reason than some sort of self-righteous idea he can decide what is good for her. If he respects Rockna, Mondo would not make decisions over what she can and can not know, doesn't matter that he means well.

The real Mondo would never lie to her, in fact, one of the episode in the anime even was about encouraging honest communication and one of the main themes of the franchise, both in the anime as in the mangas, is that people don't have a right to make this sort of decisions over the lives of others.

Hypocrisy aside, he should also tell her what happened so that she will be mentally prepared if it happens again. See, since she lost her memory of the event, Michael could just try to pull same trick again.

How did he find carrots and potatoes in the middle of the wilderness?

For closing, I don't like how you removed the equality between Mondo and Rockna. She's done nothing so far by be the damsel in distress while Mondo gets to defeat enemies and a cool sword and you even gave Rockna's sixth sense to him.

More importantly, just think about what you write and whether it makes sense. Too much of this story relies on contrived gimmicks and plot holes are abound.

I might review the second chapter later.
susan chapter 2 . 12/10/2006
please write more it is such a good story so far it is really good
MikaGesshoku chapter 2 . 1/9/2006
I really love your story please update soon so I can find out how it ends.
Sarah chapter 2 . 1/11/2005
please please please update, i only started reading this story and i really want to know what happens. please update
Flme thrower 666 chapter 1 . 7/13/2004
I TOLD YOU TO UP DATE IN 2 WEEKS OR I WILL FLAME YOU TO HELL AND BACK YOU DON'T PUT A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT CHAPTER AND THEN NOT UP DATE THE LAST TIME YOU UP DATED WAS 2-29-04 NOW IT'S 7-12-04 BITCH!
Flme thrower 666 chapter 2 . 6/23/2004
OK YOU NEED TO UP DATE OF I WILL FLAME THE HELL OUT OF YOU DON'T PUT UP A STORY THEN FORGET ABOUT IT IF YOU DON'T UP DATE IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS I WILL FLAME YOU TO HELL AND BACK

GOT THAT

THE DEVIL
HMgirlKristi chapter 2 . 6/17/2004
Can't wait for the next Chapter! I'm so digging the story!
UP DATE chapter 1 . 6/12/2004
UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE

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THERE I READ TWO CHAPTERS AND THIS IS GOOD SO

UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE UP DATE
Yugi-Angle chapter 2 . 5/12/2004
Great Story! *Cries* Why couldn't they take eccentro!
I am a memeber just search up ma name! Please review!
Sarahsorad chapter 2 . 4/29/2004
plz keep writing this was the frist fic i ever read and this fic is what made me want to write so plz keep writing i may make my own fic for mon colle kinghts
Anna's Kid chapter 2 . 3/28/2004
hey if you don't hurry up with the next chapter i will hit you so hard
you see this is a really good fic
Story Weaver1 chapter 2 . 3/17/2004
This was a very confusing chapter. But still very good. I hope there's MondoRockna fluff soon.
s91 chapter 2 . 3/3/2004
plese plese get to the next part you are relly good at this stuff.\
I on pins and needles
SARAH chapter 2 . 3/2/2004
I LOVE IT ITS SMILPY WRITE SO WELL. I AM GOING TO TELL ALL MY FRIENDS THEY LOVE MON COLLE KNIGHTS.
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