|Reviews for Do Psychic-Type Pokemon Dream of Electric Sheep?|
| Cyalm chapter 17 . 4/11/2020
Well done. Interesting story, especially with how you're progressing the plot so far. Looking forward what you will write next.
| deerestlove chapter 2 . 3/30/2020
No matter how resilient pokemon bones are. A week, and no less." - I think this implies that she's used to treating something other than pokemon
(Although this was only speculation on Espurr's part) - I think it is fine to get rid of this-since the narration takes place from Espurr's perspective anyway, it's implied that she is speculating
"Guys, we're on a clock here!" - "a" should be "the"
Anyway, I feel as though Espurr should have insisted that Deerling, Pancham, and Shelmet come along to help. Or like, insisted on telling an adult, because I feel like either of those two things would have been the sensible option.
He shivered even more then he already had been - "then" should be "than"
It was a short-lived reunion, however, as the mystery dungeon actively repelled such activities with a bellowing screech that blew through the trees and nearly knocked the three of them off their feet. - It is stated kind of bluntly here, but the idea that the dungeon is conscious and doesn't like positive feelings is kind of interesting, and I wonder where this idea is going to go.
one student has been the very baneof my existence. - "baneof" should be "bane of"
the same sleep-worn smile adorning his face as he did it. - I actually don'e know what "sleep-worn" is supposed to mean
"I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your… maniacal rant," Farfetch'd started cautiously - "maniacal rant" is not exactly a cautious phrase, Mr. Fetch'd
He whipped out the paper with Goomy's slimy handwriting on it, making sure the rest of the staff could see it. - I find myself wondering what slimy handwriting looks like
"You aren't seriously going to let them go unpunished, Principle?!" - Principle should be Principal
The door slammed shut of its own accord behind them, leaving only three teachers and two students in a silent office. - I feel like "of its own accord" implies the door is conscious, so I would just say it closed "on its own"
It was amazing; what fear could do to one's appetite - The semicolon can just be a comma here
I like how we see some of Espurr's intelligence when she decides to go along with the story that she was adopted. Also, Tricky should serve as a good foil for her. I think Tricky's ridiculous eccentricism is fun, and it's a good interpretation of the character from SMD.
| Guest chapter 6 . 3/28/2020
Another question Are abilities included here I looked up and saw that espurr can have keen eye,infiltrator and the hidden ability own tempo so do the ability count you know like since tricky is a Fennekin will she have the ability blaze or again the hidden ability magician or will they not be included not that there’s a problem in just speaking my mind out of curiosity
| Guest chapter 16 . 3/28/2020
Question will espurr explain to everyone about the beeheeyem or did they already i just sometime skip detail if she already did
| Miner7365 chapter 10 . 3/15/2020
Welp, time for round two. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll have as much as I did last time when I was reviewing, since I was just... talking about a lot of the set-up that had taken place, and to be honest a lot of the stuff there falls into the same sort of stuff I have to talk about here. I’ll still make an effort to cover what is new, however, since
Like... Artemis, for instance, and that twist on the normal arc involving Budew. That’s a large enough adaptation divergence to merit some discussion. We went from the hero and partner running into the woods in order to save Budew, which ends up re-establishing their trust, to Espurr having to run after the partner in order to save her, again re-establishing their bond. Gotta say the literal description of Budew torn apart came off as quite... graphic.
Although that might just be a result of being the first real example of a large amount of blood seen in the story. Worked quite well at establishing the sharp knife twist the experience was for Tricky, so I’m not complaining. I just... wasn’t expecting it.
A few other things I want to mention about this. Like this line, for instance:
“"Hah… Can't you go a little slower?" Budew asked. "I'm dying back here."”
That line is just a combination of sad and demented, with context as to what comes after it. I’d almost want to complain about it being a bit too on-the-nose, but eh, given just how bad the mangle of grass-type that results later, I’d… say it is fitting enough.
Also, there is the scene right before this in which Pancham and Shelmet are stoning Tricky. Which... both fills me with somewhat of a rage towards what hell this character has been put through and feels oddly premonition-like to the other type of “stoning” that happens in PSMD. It just feels… oddly
I’ll bring this up in more depth later, when I start talking about theme and where I think this story plans on going, but until then, I’ll just leave you with my note that so many characters seem to be defined by hatred and distrust towards others. The authorities in the Air Continent only address the explorers with mistrust and a definitive want for them to muk off as soon as possible (as a character in your story would put it.) There’s that bird who gets in a frenzy over not being able to let loose his bowls anywhere he pleases, alongside the general opinion everyone has of Tricky, to the point of literally stoning them at one point.
I can only assume Dark Matter came back due to this refound trend... or something of the sort. Again, we’re still in the early game of this story, so it is somewhat hard to make any real comments about anything, but I think I’m beginning to see a pattern form here. Where it leads, who exactly knows as of right now.
Anyway, to delve back into the discussion about the Poliwrath I unfortunately got side-tracked from, I can only imagine this will influence how Tricky reacts to the Poliwrath River thing later. In the way that it will make her want to tear their faces off for what they did to Budew. Or at least burn them off, I guess. Doubt she’s that selective.
To be honest, I find it hard to really comment on all that many other developments that occurred, as many of them were extensions of things I already talked about in prior reviews (mostly the last one). The nightmares, for instance, still feel like continued communications between Espurr and Dark Matter. Although what exactly the majority of them mean still are beyond me.
The fact that Espurr in particular found a stone Riolu while traipsing around the woods felt a bit… premonition-like to something coming up specifically involving that species. I can’t think of an instance of a Riolu coming up in PSMD or this story’s plot, though, so unless that’s the other ‘mon that came in with Espurr, which it could’ve been, something… fairly mysterious went down.
As a bit of a side-note to this, I find the way how everyone continually tries to bitch over/push-away the exploration’s society discovery in the square after they did the simple act of appearing and investigating something rather… disconcerting. It’s like everyone is so concerned about their share of the pie to the point that they don’t care about what sort of shit they’re causing everyone else to go through. Which… I imagine is very intentional on your part, in trying to show how Dark Matter is beginning to rise again in this world.
I know you mentioned something about this a little while back on the discord… to quote your exact words: “Having [the horror] be obviously out there and un-subtle but everyone ignores it until it's too late to do anything about it makes for a horrifying parallel as well; I think.” And I can very actively see that sort of thing happening here, with everyone seeing things like literal signs warning them of a reckoning, yet… Mawile having to waste time playing a game of cat and mouse with Primarina to not get funding cut/whatever she would do upon discovery of what they had been investigating.
It’s going to be interesting seeing the exploration society having to fight with itself to get anything really done. Gotta say I really like that twist you’ve made on the normal PSMD adaptation. It’s… rather fitting, considering where I think you eventually plan on taking this.
With that diatribe done, let me delve back into the comments I had on the village children section of your story. The whole sequence of Tricky running back into the dungeon to save Espurr and Goomy is a decent way to end off the first arc. Allowed her to redeem the mistake she had made in leaving Budew behind, alongside show her actively wanting to redeem herself. Of course, the townsfolk are probably going to be nothing less than pissed off at her as usual, but… hey, that just seems to be how this world works.
Another thing I should mention is when Espurr suddenly gained the ability to read everything she could see. I’m… unsure where exactly this originated from. On one hand… I’d guess it probably has something to do with whatever is creating the nightmares. On the other, it has this weird association with fire, which runs in direct contrast to another, later vision see receives, so… I’m not sure I can really say anything here for sure.
I’d try to theorize more on these nightmares, but I’ve come to a stump with them, so I’ll just have to hold on and wait. Apologies, but I… really don’t have much clue yet as to what many of these little things are hinting at. Which is good, because I shouldn’t know yet, but yeah.
Anyway, what else is there to talk about? Uh… well, I could mention some of the dialogue syntax still seems off in some lines. Especially in lines like:
“"You can't tell anymon else about this," She said…"
Which should probably be:
“"You can't tell anymon else about this," she said…"
It’s hard to tell whether these are just old mistakes just peeping their heads out or something more, but I wanted to mention it at least. Since… you know, you expressed concern about this when I first brought it up two reviews back.
I’ll delve into a few quotes here now, since that’s probably the best method of going about talking about the rest of this I have.
“"Nope, just Meowth," Tricky replied. "These guys – Team Ion – were the ones who restarted Time a century ago! And- And-"”
Team Ion shall continue to transcend all narrative boundaries. Nothing can stop them from entering each and everyone’s story. They have ascended.
“"UnlessPancham got to them first," Tricky spat.”
Small little weird error I noticed in chapter eight. Figured I should bring it to your attention.
“"That's Team Go-Getters! They saved the entire world from a meteor almost two centuries ago! Wartortle writes books. I have…”
I know this is just a reference to the standard team seen in fics referencing PMD Red and Blue Rescue, but… I gotta say, if I was some reader jumping from Ion’s to your fic, I might mistake there being some kind of actual plot connection going on here. Unless there actually is and there is some kind of hidden plot connection between both your adaptations, but… we’ll see about that one.
Also… little bit of sadistic dramatic irony in that we already saw Team Go-Getters get absolutely destroyed by Dark Matter. Imagine Tricky will be absolutely heart-broken when she hears about that one happening.
Another small nitpick I could mention that I haven’t brought up thus far is that the top of each chapter has these weird little… numbers on them right on the top? They tend to look something like “.40” or “.32”. I’m not sure whether they are artifacts from the porting process from Deviantart to FFN or something of the sort, but… I figured I should bring them to your attention.
And with that said, that’s about all I have to say on this batch of chapters in general. Again, apologies I didn’t have nearly as much to say this time around. At least… content-wise, since this review did breach the length of the other one.
Anyway, to avoid any further awkwardness, I’ll be making my departure. I’ll get around to reviewing what you have posted of Act. 2 soon enough, after I make a quick departure to review a few other things I’ve been meaning to get around to.
Anyway, that’s all I have to say in the exiting remarks. See you later, Rocket!
| Guest chapter 14 . 3/14/2020
Neat that Amphoros provided Zoroark a different orb to shatter and took the opportunity to do so.
| Guest chapter 12 . 3/2/2020
Are they gonna recruit pokemon?
| Guest chapter 12 . 3/1/2020
I loved the chapter
| Neptune chapter 11 . 2/28/2020
And so it returns, with the same level of quality and an increase in plot. Here the story deviate more from PSMD. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter
| PichuAlt3 chapter 11 . 2/28/2020
Geese were a bit jarring at first, but I've decided I like the idea of just plain animals being the explanation of where meat comes from.
The word "appleberry" has me wondering why it wasn't just an apple, though.
| TheG0AT chapter 4 . 2/19/2020
I’m going to try my best to maintain my suspension of disbelief when it comes to Mawile, because I can tell you straightaway that sleeping for a single twelve hour period per week is nothing short of implausible. I’m not an expert or anything, but sleep generally accounts for how long it’s been since you last slept as well as total sleep gained — for example, going just 16 straight hours without sleep will lead to having less-than-optimal motor functions in a human brain. So if a week has 168 hours and Mawile is sleeping for 12 straight hours per week, that means she’s staying up for about 156 hours at a time… yyyeah, the math kinda speaks for itself. With that said, Mawile is not a human, and some amount of handwaving can be done with chesto berries, I guess. Just food for thought.
I really like how you’ve been using some of your exposition to further the plot and also worldbuild at the same time. There’s a bit of this in the beginning of this chapter where the Society is discussing relevant events that have been taking place while also touching on the rescue/exploration entities in the world. Things like Wigglytuff’s Guild are usually a given, but the Rescuer’s Guild and HAPPI were a nice touch. It makes the world you’re building feel more connected and cohesive.
I think I might’ve mentioned this on discord, but I theorize that the PSMD hero exists somewhere in this story. This theory was supported in this chapter when Jirachi explicitly confirmed that two bursts of spontaneous teleportation occurred near Serene Village, but also set back a bit with the events of Drilbur Mine clearly indicating that Espurr is inhabiting the role of PSMD hero (i.e. the PSMD partner’s best friend). For now at least. I’ll have to keep reading to find out more.
Quick grammar nitpick: you tend to use semicolons incorrectly. Semicolons are designed to connect two independent clauses. I’ve noticed that on occasion you’ll connect an independent clause to a dependent one — for example: [The two adult pokemon outside the shack suddenly went quiet; as if they were onto Espurr.] — you’d need a comma here, since the second clause can’t stand on its own.
I did read through the whole berry section of the chapter, but in all honesty, I was tempted to skim at times. It read like a scene there just for the sake of being there, like a long-winded way of establishing that berries exist and that Espurr is frustrated she can’t read.
The part immediately afterward, on the other hand, was much more refreshing. You’ve made a good habit of taking PSMD’s story events and putting your own unique spin on them, and the leadup to Drilbur Mine is no exception. Pancham admittedly doesn’t come off as very well-spoken in “gangster speak”, but I actually think it fits perfectly since he’s just a kid trying to sound cool, not a thug who’s actually about that life. Your dialogue continues to remain a strength of this story. Also, Espurr’s first signs of using psychic abilities are being handled well so far. Honestly, it’s nice that she’s slowly coming onto them rather than just spontaneously knowing how to use her techniques from the first chapter. I’m of the opinion that, when it comes to training or mastering a technique, slow burns spanning the course of a book tend to make for a more satisfying result in the end.
Once again, good job!
| The Desert Cat chapter 10 . 2/4/2020
Everything has progressed since I reviewed before, but there haven’t been any huge changes, so I think everything I said before still applies. Actually, I don’t have much to add, here.
Poor Tricky, that’s a lot to have to deal with. Helps explain how the rest of the town treats her. Sounds like she’s starting to learn from her mistakes, though. She’s also pretty adorable - she’s so innocent and excitable. Seems like Budew’s death lead to her name change, but I’m not sure what the connection is there?
Espurr. I enjoy her lack of obvious personality and her inner dialog as she tries to outsmart everyone (and sometimes succeeds). I wonder where you’re going with her abilities; will she learn Moves eventually, or just figure out her own way of using her Energy? Also, I didn’t understand why she was determined to fail the test. She only had a few days to learn the whole semester’s material. She also doesn’t seem like the sort of personality who would feel bad about cheating on a test; she doesn’t hesitate to decieve anyone else, and she even alters Watchog’s memory.
Expedition Society. Honchcrow asks in Ch5 why Mawile and Archen were sent to “scope out the crisis on the Grass Continent”. I think this should be the Air Continent. For a moment I thought I had found a connection to Nuzleaf, but I don’t think so. Someone is onto them, though. Mawile and Archen’s parts are a bit too broken up, and each time we cut to them, I have to pause and remember what they were doing last time. I think they would have benefited from being consolidated into fewer, larger pieces, or a chapter or two of their own. Not a big deal, but it would make them easier to read.
We seem to have covered the major plot points available in Serenity Village. Espurr and Tricky are still friends, school is over, and they have an invitation to the society. I assume the two plotlines are going to start converging in the next arc.
There were quite a few places I noticed, particularly in the first few chapters, where a word seemed to be missing or strange, like maybe spell check picked the wrong words. I didn’t note them down, because I was reading on my phone at work. I don’t think there were any places where I couldn’t figure out what you were trying to say, but it’s something to watch out for in the future.
| deerestlove chapter 1 . 2/4/2020
So like I usually do, I'll point out specific parts of the story I want to comment on and then leave a bit of an overall impression at the end.
"I'm afraid have to leave you now." - Throw an "I" in there when you get the chance
"However; I trust you'll be just fine on your own." - I think maybe the semicolon should be a comma
"It all fell through her much smaller fingers before she could hoist it to her mouth" - I think if we go by the dictionary the word "hoist" is technically correct here, but it seems weird
"Espurr collapsed to her hands and knees, wildly panting as the surge of adrenaline that had encompassed her body slowly wore off" - I don't know about the word "encompassed" here
"Audino had returned once every month at the dawn of the full moon" - I think you could just say "once every full moon"
"She watched it blow off, violently rattling a few trees as it went." - "blow off" struck me as sounding odd here
"Just bearing the immense pain was taking a lot of her." - struck me as odd
"An audino quietly picked the herbs and weeds from around a ground-bound bush in the forest" - This makes me wonder if there are bushes that aren't ground-bound?
"She looked up from her herb picking in confusion as an unnatural wind blew past her, shaking the trees with visible anger as it went." - This seemed a bit weird to me, I would just say "angrily shaking the trees" or something like that. It's already implied that it's visible.
I wonder if the story could have started in medias res with the beheeyem chasing the espurr, because that would have appealed to my minimalist sensibilities. It will probably become apparent later that she lost her memories and all that anyway. The last scene is definitely important though, since we learn a lot about mystery dungeons there. The plants, and maybe even time itself, is reset every full moon, but things are in a different arrangement. We learn that there is a mysterious wind like in the games, and I think the story implies that feral pokemon are probably pretty unintelligent and violent even by feral standards. Still, it leaves some questions unanswered, which is nice. Anyways, I hope the audino sticks around; that's one of my favorite pokemon.
| Miner7365 chapter 4 . 2/1/2020
So, figured I should finally get around to reviewing the first arc of your story, since it has been fully released for a while. My original plan was to just go through the entire first arc and review it holistically, but given some developments over these last few chapters, I figured I’d stop and talk about some various things that popped out at me.
First off, let me delve into your general story layout. Back when I reviewed your stand-alone prologue (which feels like… almost a literal age ago, at this point) I remembered the story feeling very… slow and deliberate. Espurr describes everything around herself, thinks about it in depth, before the Beheeyem chase her and end all that.
Then chapter one happens and the pacing speeds up to one-eighty, scenes flash by one another in rapid succession as if Tricky just took control of how the story was laid out itself, and the narrator takes on this almost… satiric/mocking tone towards the state of the world.
I don’t think it’s a bad choice, to make that clear. It helps to develop Tricky’s character and contrasts the peacefulness of the woods and Espurr’s quietness to the extreme hustle-bustle of society, alongside feeling like foreshadowing the type of scornful behavior of putting down parts of yourself that Dark Matter formed as an attack against. However, part of me also imagines that Tricky’s pushiness and just how fast chapter one moves might be a bit… too much for some people (going to be honest when I say I kind of felt disoriented after that whole series of events played out as rapidly as they did). I kind of like it, since it puts the reader into Espurr’s shoes for those few moments, but it might be a bit too early for readers to distinguish between it being an artistic decision and janky pacing. Just something to note, I suppose.
Anyway, comments on the pacing of chapter one, let’s talk about some of the differences from canon PSMD seen thus far. First off, thank you for fixing the issue of Super effectively segmenting its plot into two sections by having both the village and the guild be developed at the same time through different perspectives. To delve further into that, I find this sort of dual mon-hunt by both the Expedition Society and the Beheeyem to find the human rather interesting from a set-up point of view. One side knows who they are looking for and is effectively an enigma to the audience right now. The hero, Espurr, doesn’t know what she even is and is effectively stumbling in the darkness, alongside the audience. And another group composed of explorers is assuming everything is the same old cycle of find the human and have them save the world… unaware of how that is probably going to end up being far from the case, if the two entities entering the world at once is any indicator.
It’s going to be interesting to see who exactly figures out the other’s deal first, whether through Espurr overhearing what Ampharos is thinking about “finding the human,” or Ampharos’ plan of overhearing their idle chatter through the expedition orb working later. It’ll also be interesting to figure out who exactly that ‘second’ creature that entered was, but that’s something down the line, I imagine. Either way, I like the direction you’ve taken this adaptation for the beginning, managing to balance making things feel different while still keeping in the roots of what made PSMD PSMD.
From there, I should transition to talking about your characters. As I’ve mentioned in prior reviews, Espurr is somewhat defined by her quietness, as of now. At least, quietness in comparison to the non-stop energy their partner has. Or really, quietness in comparison to most of the other characters you have as of now (which… might be implicative of something I’ll delve into later in the review.). To give some examples, Ampharos stumbles around the town to purposely get attention, Watchog reacts sternly and yells a lot to handle the children that ‘disobeyed’ him because of his control complex, Tricky is tricky and drags Espurr around the town, and the such.
It seems like a purposeful set-up for something later, and given how Espurr seems to be set on becoming more quiet/thoughtful as she hones her psychic abilities and focuses more on handling things through that, I can only imagine this contrast will become more apparent. I’ll be sure to say more on this later when I have more to talk about surrounding it, but for now, I’ll just hold off.
While on the general topic of characters, there’s also Nuzleaf, who… might or might not be associated with Dark Matter this time around. Hard to tell as of right now, really. He seems way too benign to be evil here, with his reaction to Espurr saying they only know English alongside his active attempts to get out of having to tutor the kid (which… might have been set-up, but who knows?). Then again… I could see you trying to trick the audience into thinking he is benign so that you can reveal him being a pawn of Dark Matter with the surprise still intact. Hard to tell, really, although I’ll leaning towards it being the former.
On the topic of Dark Matter, let's talk about that apocalypse mentioned, since that was one of the more striking things. With the mention of English being a dead language and ‘special’ berries like Orans and the such popping up only after the apocalypse, I… can’t help but feel like this seems like an apocalypse to our world, or at least one very similar? Possibly brought on by Dark Matter themselves, in the whole back-story involving the human and Mew, if I had to take a guess.
To bring the conversation to the woods scene and what I mentioned about the trees last time, I can’t help but see this interesting contrast between society and nature developing. Dark Matter seems to have this association with nature, as he grows over the town and the old path of the square within only a few weeks. He brings ‘peace’ back to it, as he would probably put it. Makes me think he might have commandeered the Tree of Life in more ways than just to make the planet start to move towards the sun.
Again, more speculation. But some of this set-up you have here is interesting enough to the point where I can’t resist from trying to crack into it this early on. To ground myself back in reality and just focus on commenting on things presently here though, I’ll bring up some small quips, like... how mildly Mawile and Archen reacted to the bodies of team Go-Getters being turned to stone (as I’d personally imagine they’d be freaking the hell out that a human was killed/stoned by the monster they are investigating). Same goes with their reaction to the shadowy monster that attacks them from behind, which... unless they’ve seen this before, seemed way too calm.
One bigger quip I could make relates to expedition society orbs themselves. You establish them to be able to transmit wireless signals of audio ( to spy and see if they could spot a human), yet it takes a full-on crew to go and investigate the disappearance of what I can only imagine to be one of the larger towns in the world. I could see this tech perhaps being only held by the expedition society as of when this story takes place, but... I don’t know, I’m sure some major innovation like that would have gotten commercialized fast.
Again, could bring up the contrast between society and nature here. Any sort of high-speed communication is cut-off, and they are stuck trudging through the woods to confirm something for themselves for once. They’re the only loud thing in it, blabbering on about their woes on the way there (as Dark Matter probably would see it), before Dark Matter’s minion scares them into silence for the rest of the way back trip.
To delve back out into speculation land for a moment, before I begin to wrap this up, there’s also... possibly an interesting parallel between Espurr and Dark Matter that I might as well bring up. Both can hear the collective thoughts and woes of everyone around them, and both could very likely have a connection to one another. The explanation would shed some interesting light on why exactly she is on such a different character trajectory than everyone else, and might possibly start to answer what that dream scene with all the poles was all about.
Besides that… could bring up some minor quips about formatting and dialogue. I’ve been noticing noticing some odd numbers pop up on the top your chapters, presumably to act as a buffer to prevent the title from being messed up. I just find it kind of odd how they’ve been switching what value they are, and on the chance they were accidental/caused by some bug on FFN, figured I should mention them.
Also, I noticed some additional dialogue syntax errors in the first few chapters, so… I figured I should bring that up. They seemed to fade out as the chapters progressed, so I’m guessing they were probably just some left-over errors from when you were writing those first few chapters. If your curious about these, feel free to ask me in PM, but I don’t think it’s necessary to bring it up here.
Anyway, that’s about it, I believe. Overall, you have a decent beginning here, and I’ll be back in a bit to makes some more comments on arc one as a whole. There’s probably more I could comment on, but to be honest, it would be more worth it to just hold off until I’ve read the rest of what you have currently, as I imagine a fair bit of this review probably came out as a disorganized mess and I could do with having more to comment on before I continue.
So, with that said, I’ll be off. Hope this was helpful, despite how disorganized it might be.
See you later, Rocket.
| The Desert Cat chapter 5 . 1/19/2020
Do Psychic-Type Pokemon Dream of Electric Sheep?
Prologue - Chapter 4
First, I haven’t played PSMD, so I have only a vague idea of the story, and I’ll probably miss stuff. Berry crackers, I’m bad at reviewing, so this will be a bit jumbled, too.
You have a snarky, sarcastic style that’s fun to read (and fits Espurr well). It also makes some of the serious parts hard to take seriously, especially at the beginning of the prologue.
I like the way you do dialog. I have no idea how kids talk, but it sounds realistic enough to me. Many of the major characters have unique mannerisms in their speech, without resorting to typing out strange accents for everyone (except Nuzleaf, who’s obviously supposed to have a strange accent, since Ampharos points it out.). You’ve avoided the trap of extended conversations in combat that so many authors fall into.
Sometimes the story seems to slip out of third person limited, and we get a brief description from someone elses perspective (Chapter 1, ‘Deerling's ears pricked up at the sound of something sneaking up behind them.’) or Espurr knows something she shouldn’t have known (Chapter 3 “What did Principal Simipour whisper in your ear?”) I’m not sure if these are intentional (maybe an unconscious manifestation of Espurr’s psychic abilities?) or not.
Given how well you’ve characterized some of the other Pokemon, especially Tricky, I’m going to assume that Espurr’s relative lack of a personality is intentional. She seems like she’s smart, and plotting stuff, and a few more hints about what she’s thinking would be nice.
Tricky is a lot of fun. I don’t know what the partner’s backstory is in the game (if s/he has one) but I have a feeling there’s something tragic there that she’s covering up.
Overall, this was really well written and pleasant to read. It just ‘flows’ well.
So, Espurr. We don’t really know much about her, yet, but she doesn’t know much about her either. Someone obviously brought her here for a purpose. Maybe someone not very competent, since she was abandoned right next to the bad guys. Also, the suggestion that she may not have answered the personality test honestly, and that might make things more difficult for her. She seems pretty calm about waking up in a strange place and a strange body. Since she doesn’t even remember that she’s Human, I guess she doesn't have anything else to compare it to.
Is that wind supposed to be the dungeon time limit, or is it something the Beyaheem are doing?
It sounds like dungeons change predictably once a month, rather than every time you enter?
You mention the lake ‘rushing’ or rushing by’ a couple times as the beginning. Rushing seems more like a river than a lake.
There’s some great imagery here, with the wind and the fog, and the lights of the Beyeehem.
It’s been a long time since I read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. If there were any references here besides the title, I missed them.
The mental image of Fennekin limping around on one leg is pretty amusing.
So, Tricky is the Parnter. Very different personality from Espurr. Espurr seems calm and reserved, with a flat affect, while Tricky is very excitable, impulsive, and reckless. They’re both nice Pokemon, though, and I’m enjoying their interaction so far. I think this will be a fun team.
I didn’t expect Espurr to be the one to lead them in, after her last experience; especially not without asking questions.
So, it is the dungeon time limit, and there’s maybe something wrong with the dungeons. Seems like that’s going to be an important factor in the story.
Ooh, another disappearance, and they already know about the Beyeehem. Another Human, I wonder? I wonder if the Espurr in Super was a human too, but didn’t meet Tricky and do the right things, so they had to being another.
Ah, the Expedition Society, or whatever it’s called in Super. They seem a bit disfunctional - but if they weren’t, they wouldn’t need a Human to save them
The post-apocalyptic PMD world theory, and we only have 30 years to go! They seem to have normal Earth plants and animals in addition to the PMD ones
Having to moult four times a year would be inconvenient.
I assume that’s Ampharos’ map that Espurr found?
I wonder what the story is behind the scarves. Her parents, maybe? Carracosta’s obviously not her father, if we’re using standard egg groups. There’s obviously some sort of past trauma here.
Sometimes when you switch between the Expedition Society and Tricky/Espurr, there’s a bold header with the location, and sometimes it’s just the standard scene break. Since this is a big jump, I think the bold header is appropriate. It might have been better to pull the Air Continent parts out into a separate chapter, since they’re not directly related to what’s happening in Serenity Village.
Wigglytuff guild, disorganized? Never!
So, there’s at least one other Human, and the Beyeehem have probably already gotten him/her.
Nuzleaf’s here. He’s been around town before, but Deerling doesn’t recognize him. Does Nuzleaf know what Espurr is? I assume so, but it’s possible he doesn’t.
So, watching them struggle through their first real Mystery dungeon together was a lot of fun. It sounds like this was the first time Tricky actually beat a dungeon Pokemon. Despite all her bravado, she’s just a kid, and she’s scared and in over her , they’re both scared, as they should be. Espurr may not know how things work, but she’s clever. Outsmarting the boss, and siccing the Drillbur on Watchog. Is that a Human thing, or is she just smart? I’m glad to see a focus on character interaction in the dungeon rather than pages and pages of fighting.
10993 - almost 9000 years since Humans got smashed like a leek on a desk. Plus however old the journal is. No wonder they don’t know much about them.
Audino to the rescue. I’m sure they can still find trouble to get into, though.
And Ampharos is onto them.