|Reviews for Do Psychic-Type Pokemon Dream of Electric Sheep?|
| cynsh chapter 3 . 1/16/2020
After the review you recently blessed me with I felt indebted to do the same in return, so here we are!
Super has a needlessly long, not very interesting introduction - which is why your changing and condensing of events is, I think, a very good idea. I like how there are subtle changes to the familiar canon, like Audino finding Espurr rather than Nuzleaf (who hasn't even appeared so far, if he is here, which is most curious) and Espurr's accidental cover story that followed. Your prose is pretty solid all around, and grammar too, bar some occasional missing letters or incorrect punctuation. And now here's bullet points of stuff:
- I'm not sure it should be called a prologue when its events follow straight on into the following chapters.
- Espurr seemed to respond to her initial predicament in a strange order - normally if someone noticed their fingers were much smaller than they should be, and covered in fur, they might react with a bit more alarm.
But then Espurr doesn't seem to react to anything with much alarm. Very much like the character I remember in Super. I think she might be a little too muted though. She rarely speaks, but we don't get a huge amount of introspection from her either, which would help make up for it. Especially since she's the main character. I want to know more about her!
- Her mutedness also made the way she suddenly decided to find Goomy, especially given her broken arm and her wariness of the Beheeyem, seem extremely out of character.
- On that point, I noticed a couple of points where your character's prose seemed... inconsistent. Most jarringly was when Simipour said 'rolling with it', which doesn't seem to fit his character at all. Just watch out for that.
- Tricky, by contrast, has been very clearly characterised. I have kinda the opposite issue to Espurr - Tricky is so excitable and impatient that she seems genuinely a little unhinged. The way she suddenly latches onto Espurr feels a little contrived too. I understand why (if Tricky is like the original partner) she's desperate to have a friend, but Espurr shows so little in return... I guess I'm hoping for more chemistry between them, even if that chemistry's dysfunctional. A few characters are written in a similarily cartoony way, Watchog in particular comes to mind. Really like Carracosta though. I feel like I already know him perfectly.
Some chapter 2-specific notes:
I think this chapter had too much going on. Firstly because there was the constant back-and-forth with Mawile's party. If you're going to throw in a new plotline just like this, I need to know more about the characters, the POV character in particular. I think this would've worked better as its own chapter, that way you're not interrupting two stories at once, heh.
Secondly, on Espurr's side in particular, there was a huge number of scenes. It does do an affective job of compressing the story, as I said, but that's at the sacrifice of this being more of a coherent chapter rather than a bunch of events shoved together. Maybe some could have been cut or the chapter split up into smaller pieces.
The sudden name drop of humans did catch my attention. Thinking about it more, it does seem to fit with the Super hero being a past human. I don't see many stories in a post-apocalpytic world, so you have my credit for that.
- Not a big fan of 'everymon' and such terms. 'One' doesn't designate a human to me, so I don't see the need for such severe substitution of it. But that's probably just personal preference.
- I don't think you really 'almost' remember something (as Espurr did)
Hope this was useful! :)
| TheG0AT chapter 3 . 1/16/2020
So, one thing that’s been really refreshing to see has been the creative liberties you’ve taken with adapting PSMD’s plot. I was a little worried you might just go through the motions of the game while only adding tiny differences here and there, but so far it looks like that’s far from the case. Like I mentioned earlier about the pacing, things seem to be picking up right off the bat with the events in the Air Continent that weren’t in the games. And even the simpler stuff like Espurr and friends picking berries for their detention demonstrates this.
I’ve noticed there’s not a whole lot of imagery going on in Serenity (Serene?) Village. Not a lot of description. You did well to describe the berry fields concisely and in good enough detail, so it leaves me to wonder if the village is handled this way under the assumption that the reader already knows what it looks like and should roll with that. If so, then fair enough. Just a passing thought I figured I’d mention.
I think Deerling molding her coat is pretty funny. The fact that she has to deal with it every three months is pretty gruesome, lol.
I enjoyed the flavor added to the dinner scene at Tricky’s house. Pops was a real character in PSMD, but again, it’s that extra spice that brings the scene to life. Namely, it’s the subtle way he reacted to Tricky bringing a friend home to begin with, and how he interacted with her at the table. Also, I’m a bit curious what the deal is with Tricky’s scarves; for one, why’d she reveal them so soon, and two, what past memories caused her to lock up for a moment there? My first assumption is that she had another friend once and they aren’t friends anymore. I’ll keep reading to find out.
One thing I’ve noticed up to this point is the lack of Pancham and Shelmet. They’ve had a couple moments, but for the most part have been sidelined in favor of Goomy and to a certain extent Deerling as well. I’m hoping they pop up more in the coming chapters because I’m really curious how Espurr of all characters will fit into the “hero” role as far as dealing with the “village bullies.”
Once again, good work so far! I wish I’d discovered this sooner!
| TheG0AT chapter 2 . 1/15/2020
Okay! Since you’re new to the server and since you’re a fellow PSMD writer ( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡) I figured I’d check out your story.
Right off the bat we have the basic foundational premise: Espurr as the hero. I didn’t know I wanted this until now, but regardless, I’m immediately interested. I’m also interested in the voice at the very beginning (Mew, perhaps?), but I’ll harbor that curiosity for later.
So, the partner introduction scene: it was rather chaotic and jumped right into the mix of things without much buildup, but thankfully it was still easy enough to follow. It gave me a good idea what Tricky is all about. She’s the PSMD partner for sure, but with an extra layer of spice added on top. And upon further inspection, I think this applies to all of the Serene Village kiddos. I just really enjoy the dialogue from everyone, honestly. They’re all more or less in character, true to the games, and yet there’s a bit more flavor that you’ve personally added to it. Even Watchog has it. Well done!
Fascinating that Nuzleaf hasn’t shown up yet, which is rather important considering how the video games had him orchestrate the entire waking up scene as part of his master plan. It makes me wonder if you simply substituted Audino in his place, though I’m led to believe otherwise since it seemed like an accident that Espurr ran into her. Maybe the Beeheyem chased her in that direction deliberately? I don’t know, but you’ve made me super curious. I’ll be keeping a close eye on the adult cast members to see who eventually sets Espurr up on Revelation Mountain, assuming you go through with that to begin with.
The unexpected POV change caught me a bit off guard when it switched to Goomy. I’d recommend putting some sort of indicator whenever you switch perspectives in order to maintain immersion.
Not to laud you with compliments, but I have one more thing I liked. I liked how you seem to be trying to pick up the story early on. Naturally an adaptation like this is gonna have major differences from the video game, but the fact that you’re trying to up the pacing is a welcome sight indeed. Simipour already hinting at disappearances tells me that much—that’s the sort of literary meat I expect to get when a story is about to pick up speed. It makes for a good extra hook.
Anyway, besides a number of grammatical errors, I don’t really have any major complaints about these first couple of chapters. For now, excellent work!
| Adamfics chapter 1 . 1/14/2020
This prologue was a pretty interesting read. While it begins with the familiar amnesiac protagonist waking up in an unfamiliar place, I was relieved it didn't turn out to be another exact copy and paste of the Explorers Of- opening sequence.
The presence of the Beheeyem made me think this was going to be a different take on Psmd with the protag species swapped with an Espurr, so I was surprised to see it deviate different. It's unclear whether this is supposed to be the same Espurr from said game or a different one entirely, but whatever the case may be this story seems to have some potential worth seeing through.
| PichuAlt3 chapter 9 . 1/12/2020
I recognized the references to Team Go-Getters and Team Ion, but not the one for Gates to Infinity. Was that a reference and just not one I got, or was if thought of on the spot?
| PichuAlt3 chapter 8 . 1/4/2020
I don't have a whole lot to comment on for this chapter, aside from the typical (being that I enjoyed reading it), but I do think it's funny how in all the games and most of the fanfictions, the human always says "I'm human" when they're clearly not and "I was human" is more accurate. Using that line in writing is just keeping in line with the canon, I would guess, but I've wondered for a long time why the official writers use that every time instead of the player ever making a claim that's not blatantly incorrect, even if only technically so.
I guess I do have a question, actually. Did you use the less accurate "I'm a human" as a matter of consistency with the games, or was my assumption wrong? Did you have some other reason? Or am I just overthinking a small oddity?
| Neptune chapter 8 . 1/4/2020
And here Espurr remembers she's a human. With this gives Espurr something special, other than having amnesia. That just gives her a disability.
I will be here for the next part of this fantastic story!
| PichuAlt3 chapter 7 . 12/29/2019
Oof. This chapter, all in all, was not fun to read. There's nothing wrong with it, just it's not fun to read about bullying. Here's hoping the next chapter has some resolution to it, at least for some of the open-ended things from this chapter. I don't really have any critique here; I personally don't like when a chapter has nothing but bad in it, but as soon as chapter 8 is up that problem is largely alleviated anyway.
| Team Ion chapter 6 . 12/23/2019
Ooh Mawile and Archen again! Baram Town eh?
Wha? Staraptor you... okay. Moving on. Even Mawile had some trouble with that.
Heh, poor Honchkrow and the weary murkrow.
Okay, maybe not so much 'poor Honchkrow' then. 'Mere map makers' is quite an insult I must say!
Heheheheheh. I'm liking Mawile all the more really. Heads indeed.
I wonder how Ampharos conducts himself in these kinds of meetings? I can visualise a Dumbledore-esc way of being disarming and somewhat 'barmy' to lower guards while skillfully controlling the conversation. As well as dropping it slightly when he really wants to be serious.
Heh, probably not the Ancient Barrow.
I'm glad that Espurr isn't taking the advice to stay away.
Watchog not sleeping? Was he guarding or was he just stressed?
Oh a bird! An actual bird. I like it. I have a similar vision in mind for regular animals in the pokemon universe. Although it's slightly different between the PMD and non-PMD ones that I have.
You know, I wonder what is 'up' with Watchog. He doesn't like most of the students, but he seems to actually enjoy teaching. Is he just bitter over years? Does he have a specific problem with Tricky? Was he made to teach and decided trying to find some enjoyment was the only way? I wonder about these things.
Oh my she exploded the whole place! Earned some respect from Pancham at least, that's something.
Nice at blending the whole 'Espurr go boom' thing with young psychic pokemon. Very clever.
Hahahaha. Tricky is distraught at the notion of separate detentions.
I wonder what she found?
Hahahaha. He's taking the destruction of the classroom oddly well. He's funny, Watchog, when he's not being a psychopath. Everything could go wrong indeed.
What word that starts with A could have caused such a reaction? Hmm. I have no real idea, one letter just isn't enough to go on. Curious, curious, curious.
Houndoom being a chef is a fun idea. I really like that.
Lapras is late...? I don't like the sound of that.
Oh. Swell. What a lovely note, just positively charming.
A map.. locations... Nuzleaf? No. No, Ampharos! That's right, he lost his map!
Well the Barrow is creepy. I have to wonder if she was ejected because the litwick don't want her to get into any danger. Or if this really is evil, based on the twist with Gabite and my own paranoia, I can't be certain.
He's a little drunk, but he did say 'made me worried sick' so is his pure assholery from a not-all-that-terrible place? That's nice.
And so Honchkrow REALLY wants them gone... you know what. I think he's a bit fishy. Heading to come speak to them, only to say he's got some extra transportation so they'll just go away? I think something is suspect about that! Yes. Yes I do.
Great set of chapters. Filled with excitement, mystery, and progression of stuff. Love it!
| Team Ion chapter 5 . 12/23/2019
Oh. Charming. A geodude skittering like a spider. That's a lovely piece of imagery that fills me up until I am united with my discomfort.
Nice teamwork! And their first battle, that's pretty sweet!
There are actually stairs? There weren't stairs when they rescued Goomy... or did he just not even get passed the first floor?
Still. That's weird. I know it was in the games, but still.
Wait Espurr sees some red crystals? Why doesn't she grab one and leave? Or is Tricky too determined to get to the end (Which being that these two have no battle experience I am worried about).
Don't touch the ears of the espurr, Tricky!
Oooh okay. Those were the first of the red crystals they'd seen. And also, WHAT happened to Gabite? That's horrifying... he got stuck in their when the dungeon shifted, didn't he, and got driven mad?
And this is interesting, and wonderfully tense. Gabite isn't just at the bottom, he's in the dungeon proper and probably going to be stalking them soon. They need to get ahead of him, most likely, because a battle against THAT doesn't look too fun.
Mmm. Gabite's stuff, that still lays there. They must be very far down, probably on Gabite's proper turf, is even other dungeon pokemon haven't disturbed it.
It reminds me of an apocalyptic log, and those always creep me out.
And his last obsession was over the gems, probably maintained into his madness. Good lord, this is actually rather creepy, I'd even say terrifying. Based on the line of it finding them. I'm about to read on, and am a little nervous, haha.
Tricky is actually scared. A good reminder that she's a child.
Heh, berry crackers. Love that use of a 'swear'.
Hooo-hoo-HOO! That was close. And she was even looking at the stairs, good lord that was almost three seperate disasters at once!
Espurr is the SMARTY pants! I love it. Using wits against the beast was good, even when both froze up at different times, they do make a very good pair, keeping each other going.
Gabite was... crushed. That's either ouch or dead. Well, if it is dead than that's probably a mercy.
Oooooooh the red gems were emeras? And they broke when they exited the dungeon. So is that rule still in place? If so, why the celebration? Can't really sell that. I suppose you could charge and entry, but even then... hmm. Either way, I feel happy for the drilbur.
Pshahahahaa. I love how Watchog's voice twisted in two different ways in his rage. And, oh? The drilbur have grown a spine? I wonder why...
Also, what banged?
Hm. I wonder, clearly they can be sold so they can be removed. Maybe the dust? Also, where the drilbur so weak-willed because they relied on someone so unstable for their livelihood or did something else happen?
Ah. So when they are processed they can be removed. Okay. Okay. It's all coming together now! Very nice.
I wonder who else got hurt? Also, I feel bad for everyone. Except Pancham.
I wonder if Nuzleaf is the one with the 'heavy Grass Continent accent'?
Ampharos has his suspicions and so the chapter ends. This was a very fun chapter, enjoyed it a great deal! Espurr might have her first kill, but it would be a mercy kill if so. Things are quite interesting, quite interesting indeed...
| Team Ion chapter 4 . 12/23/2019
I'm back? Because I've been meaning to and I can also snag your spot :P
Mawile doesn't sleep? As a medical professional (in training) I must say, that's unhealthy!
Hahahaha. I do love Mawile though. Surely the boss wouldn't be mischievous in matters so serious. Surely not.
Heh, the Wigglytuff Guild is a bit of a mess at, well, ALL times.
Oh that's interesting. Ampharos' more level-headed explanation of why he thinks there is a human around. Also, ahem, TWO PULSES?
It couldn't be Tricky though... hmm...
Oh my? He was using it to spy on them? How fiendishly intelligent of Ampharos, but I can believe it since Wigglytuff is a lot more 'with it' than he appears, why not Ampharos?
Heh, sometimes you can be too clever for your own good though. Hahahahaha.
This is a dream... yes it is. An odd dream. Where is it taking her?
Brr. I had a bad feeling about it thanks to the whispering, but that was an outright nightmare. What did it mean, though? Getting crushed between those walls, the voices, the sign, and the lights of the beheeyem. Horrifying.
Crunch. And... left arm? Left. That feels important for some reason. And the next scene... okay, did she just move her arm into a bad position during the night? Or was it something else...?
That's Nuzleaf. I know that accent anywhere! He's going to be a teacher? Oooh that's interesting.
Pshahahaha. Oh man I like Simipour. You've done fantastic with blending his easy-going personality from the games with some real, keen, intelligence. A bit like Ampharos, but in a different way. I like it.
"...makes you day any better." Why did he have to whisper? Hmm... very curious. Nuzleaf is nervous, which is kinda cute. I wonder if it's an act or not.
So they do use unown writing, that's handy.
Heh, Nuzleaf will be an excellent teacher I think. Hahahaha. You've got his accent perfectly.
Berry's can be quite dangerous! I like that little lesson there. Quite clever. Quite clever indeed.
Hmm. She can't detect Pancham's intentions? Curious. He's not a Dark-type yet, but maybe being that he evolved into one it has shreds of it to block passive detection? Or is he some sort of sociopath? Could be.
Heh, we. And Espurr's telekinesis was cute to read.
Gabite... was an explorer? That makes sense, I suppose. Not wanting to leave after he found all that treasure. Hm.
The book was more damaged? That feels like an odd thing to make note of, unless it has some importance later on!
Yes, I am paranoid. My own usage of making tiny details into massive stuff down the line leaves me as such.
Heh, Tricky knows he prefers to be called a certain way. She's a troll. Love it.
Mmmm. Tricky is a bad influence. Although how did Espurr think this would go without them getting into trouble anyway?
Watchog is crazy, but he does have reason to be in THIS chapter at least.
I do like that Espurr feels young or at least inexperienced and liable to make mistakes. It's good to see for characters.
That's quite the foreboding way to end the chapter. Especially since in the games, the drilbur worked for Gabite. This text, purely descriptive and so far more honest, unfortunately speaks of something much, much, less wholesome.
I better read on.
| PichuAlt3 chapter 6 . 12/23/2019
I don't have a whole lot to say this chapter, so I suppose I'll bring up some minor inconsistencies.
In the game, what you called Serenity Village is in fact Serene Village, and Live Town is actually Lively Town.
That aside, it was an enjoyable chapter to read. My only complaints are those inconsistencies and as far as positives, I like all of the diversions from the base game - first the main character is Espurr, then the events have been only loosely based on the original, and of course your writing makes for a more pleasant experience than the dialogue in the game.
| PichuAlt3 chapter 5 . 12/16/2019
That's an interesting divergence from the base story, making the Gabite feral. There was enough in common that I was wondering at first if this would just be a PSMD novelization but with Espurr being the main character, and this chapter made it clear that it's more than that.
Not wholly related, but I restarted my save file to play through PSMD again yesterday, so it'll be interesting to compare and contrast with a more recent memory of the game.
| MUILucario chapter 5 . 12/14/2019
I love this story please I hope you like my upcoming Pokémon Mystery Dungeon and Dragon Ball Z crossover fanfiction.
| PichuAlt3 chapter 4 . 12/13/2019
About Espurr's inability to sense Pancham's intentions, at first I thought that was because of dark typing, but I remembered that Pancham is purely fighting-type. Is it because of some other reason, or did you just count Pancham as a dark type sort of like how Azurill might as well be water type?