|Reviews for Mansion|
| NotJustAnotherVillain19 chapter 1 . 6/11/2004
I like the visual imagery in the beginning- with Monica driving to the mansion. I think the language should be worked on. Derek’s information about the history of the family should be revised. Who is this man? I would think he’s middle-aged; he is intelligent because he works in a psychology department. So shouldn’t his speech and language differ from the other characters?
I do really like the flashes of the actual family and what happened to them as he speaks. Some things aren’t clear for me: the realtors for the ‘supposed’ third family, the ‘supposed’ third family, the door with the blank wall behind it, why doesn’t Monica say something about her encounter with the child ghost? I think Scott and Monica’s conversation in the beginning should be altered. Give some details into their life and who they are. Scott is living with his parents until he finds a job. What is he interested in becoming? Has applied to jobs? Is he in college?
I really think you should work on the conversations between the characters. I get the impression that they are young- really young because of their language. They need to have ‘adult’ conversations, not teenager conversations. A good example would be after the first night when Monica is talking with Scott in the morning.
Amelia’s tombstone reads 1844 and he husband’s reads 1831 (died)- didn’t Amelia die of a fever on her bed, then Victor was heartbroken and two weeks later he hung himself?
Monica’s character is a bit confusing. Why would she not tell anyone about what she experienced or saw in the basement? She hasn’t told the professor anything; he wants to prove the paranormal activity and she doesn’t let him know she experienced things. I think we need more information on this character. Give a quick routine day for her before the movie really begins- then at least we will know her story.
Who is the guy with the axe who kills Mark? That’s a ghost right? I think maybe all the different ghosts should be shown as they are now following the guests before they get killed so the readers know what ghost is who, instead of what they looked like when they died.
When the house is shaking and cracking and faucets are pouring blood, a candle is lit and Monica ‘walks’ over to it. Is the house done with its seizure? I think it would be weird if the house was still doing all of that when Monica ‘walks’ over to the diary and candle.
The story is not complete. You need to give your readers closure. What was that ‘dark’ force that killed Emily and Margaret and Joseph and the boy with the ball? What drives the ghosts to kill? Are they angry they died and are exacting their revenge? Could one of them want a human to help them by killing the ‘dark’ force? The evil needs to be explained. I think you should have someone stay alive. If you don’t want anyone alive, at least have someone help the ghosts so that their souls are free or something; so at least the entire research group didn’t die for nothing.
I also have a problem with the group. Who are these people? They need to be explained. Maybe have Derek talk to his secretary or college about each person. That way, we get an understanding of who each person is; then when they die, the readers will feel for that person. The only remorse and sadness I felt for someone dying was Scott. I think that’s because I knew a bit of his history and he was one of the main characters. All the others were like, ‘Oh, he/she’s dead, oh well. Nice gore though.’ It didn’t make me jump or feel scared for the other characters. Maybe try limiting the number of people. It seemed to me that you wrote in a bunch of people just to kill them off cool. I did like the ways you killed them, but I think there were too many people. Especially with the history and all the people who died previously. I could remember who was who.
I really think you have a talent for ‘seeing’ the camera shots. Almost every panning as well as regular shot was described perfectly and I could see it and I could see it as it would be as a movie. I am not trying to be mean an pick out every little thing and put you down. Really, I swear Im not. I just want to give you my constructive criticism. I think you are a very talented writer and someday I will see this screenplay turned into a movie. Best of luck in your future writings! :)
| marina eys chapter 1 . 10/23/2003
| Dark Storyteller chapter 1 . 5/13/2003
I hope everybody enjoyed the story. If you are wondering why it is in movie script style,it is because I plan on making a film like this later in my life. Anybody like it?