Reviews for Hidden Affections |
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![]() ![]() ![]() This story is worth waiting for this chapter was worth the wait. |
![]() ![]() ![]() these bracelets sound like spirit cuffs from Yu Yu Hakusho |
![]() ![]() ![]() I learned from ducky on NCIS that being at the bottom of the totem pole is actually a good thing and a great honor because your the foundation for later generations. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Hi there Nice touch with the monkey king, I am glad you put him in, since most if this things happening is about monkeys :-) Keep up the great writing and stay safe! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Trapping Yono inside a sword? Smart move. Great idea about having the original Monkey King helping Ron too. Keep the good writing. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Yep, definitely like DBZ. Smart of Ron to deal Yono rather than kill him. |
![]() ![]() ![]() EXCELLENT WORK |
![]() ![]() ![]() Hi there What a cliffhanger, I hope that Ron have comeback for this... Anyway ,keep up the great writing and stay safe! |
![]() ![]() ![]() "She took several more swipes at Yono and hear plasma seemed to roar with each one." Should be "her" not "hear." 'Yono said from his throat, once again as if the situation was simply interesting instead of the lethal combat it was interesting instead of the dangerous contest it was meant to be.' You wrote the same thing twice. 'Soon the spire dissipated and they saw something of a black spot in the sky.' This sentence has too many unnecessary words. it messes it up. Remove 'something of a. The for of energy seeped into Yono's body and any minor hint of damage was eradicated.' I have no clue what you meant with 'for.' 'Any blows of his that managed to slip through weren't doing nearly enough as much damage as they would like them to'. The entire second half is kind of a jumbled mess. 'Any blows of his that managed to slip through weren't doing nearly enoughor as much, pick one) damage as he would like them to.' Not too many errors but these really threw me off since I had to stop and decipher what I had just read. There's no need to rush, just write at your leisure. |
![]() ![]() ![]() You should clean this chapter up a bit, the fight is nice and all but all the errors really ruin it. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Whoa, what a cliffhanger. The 'Hulk vs Loki' beating is an instant classic, uh? Also, cool touch about making Yono a magical Frieza, having a real, more powerful form. Keep the good writing. |
![]() ![]() ![]() EXCELLENT WORK |
![]() ![]() ![]() 45.3 kg equals 99.66 lbs |
![]() ![]() ![]() Hi there The Ron man got some Ron shine in this chapter for real :-) Keep up the great writing and stay safe! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Excellent work can't wait for more |