You're an amazing story-teller.

Your research skills, however, are not remotly amazing. At least not those involving the Harry Potter Universe.

I don't know if your story is just too old, or if you're too lazy to even look it up, but if you ever decide to fix this story, ai STRONGLY recomend lookings things up on PotterWiki.

It's easy, AND you'll get your facts straight.

You also seem to include several "Chekhov's Gun"/foreshadowing bits that ends up as dead ends you never get an answer too. It's pretty frustrating to read.

And dumbledore has faded into the background, and ron pops up compleatly random with no warning, like a demented Jack-in-the-box.

You also write a LOT of "Filler" bits -paragraphs or chapters that have zero impact on the story as a whole and that just serces as fluff to take up space.

You might want to work on that.

That said, the story itself is brilliant and well-written enough that one can overlook all it's flaws.

But I presume you would like to become vetter abd improve as a writer, yeah? _

I look forward to see how this story turns out.

Can't wait to see what's up with Ginny! _

I don't like her, so I'm hoping for something nasty.

..or maybe she'll become a sociopath. Lacking bits 9f her soul and all that. _

Small notes:

1. Lovegood IS a pureblood family.

2. Aurors ARE police, NOT Soldiers. (During the war with Voldemort, under the madman Crouch, was the ONLY time they were allowed to kill.)

3. The ministey employs Hit Wizards, which are more like soldiers slash police. With a dash of assassin on top.

I have a theory for why a comment broke up Lilly and Snape.

First, never assume a single action ever is the reason for anything. It rarely is. Almost never, in fact.

First imagine Snape's side:

He is in a House of purebloods, that look down on him for being halfblood. But like all children, he wants friends, so he tries to be more like them, so they'll like him.

They call mugglesborns mudblood, so he does the same. It becomes integrated in his mind to do so, a habit formed by repetition. Even uf he doesn't agree to the philosophy behind it.

And ut works, because he DO have friends. ("He feel in with a bad crowd." -HP quote.)

All his friends in Slytherin, however, tells him he should ditch that worthless mudblood he's hanging out with. They likely put a lot of pressure on him to do so.

It's actually impressive how loyal Snape is to Lilly, to withstand peerpressure and likely downright threats and/or bullying JUST to keep her as his friend.

Then comes Potter and hus gang of bullies. And yes, they ARE bullies. A joke is not a real joke unless all parties are laughing.

Potter & co bullies, belittes, humiliates, and damned near KILLS him!

And Snape may retaliate, and he may be good at it too, but it's one against four. He stands no chance.

And maybe he's also in love with Lilly. Or just admire her. But for whatever reason, he do NOT want to look weak in front of her.

It is also from a time where boys were raised to protect girls. That's a key factor.

Then imagine potter and his friends playing a prank on him, a really aweful and humiliated one.

And Snape is one against four -he can't protect himself. He is humiliated and ashamed that he's so weak and pathetic, and what's worse; the girl he likes saw it!

And then Lilly yells at Potter, she stands up and protects him.

A GIRL has to protect him because he is so weak and pathetic! (In his mind)

Ashamed and humiliated he tells her he doesn't need the help of a mudblood.

He regrets it the second the word's left his mouth, but it's too late.

Lilly runs away and refuse to speak to him again.
Or maybe she waits for him to come and apologize, but he never does, because he feels ashamed of his actions. Perhaps even scared that potter will start attacking Lilly if she keeps defending him. And he does not want to hurt her more than he already has. Maybe it's for the best, even tho it hurts.

Whatever the cause, they never speak again. But Snape holds her dear for the rest of his life.

.

Now look at Lilly's side.

She is happy going to school with her best friend. But they sort into different houses, and she discovers that the house rivalry is far more serious than she ever thought. One simply do not make friends across the house borders, it is not done. And that goes double for Slytherin and Gryffindor, which are both hostile to eachother.

Still, Lilly cares about her friend, so she ignores the talk, and all her other friends, and still hangs out with Snape.

But her friends ask her how she can stand him. He's so sour and grumpy. He's a stuck-up, predjudiced, slimy Slytherin. He's evil, just like all the other Slytherins.

She defends him, because he's her best friend. But those comments still sticks, even if she refuse to believe them.

And she sees him befriend those pureblood supremasist assholes, like Malfoy and his ilk.

And even tho she still believes in her friend, she sees him grow darker. Maybe she overhear him talk smack about other muggleborns, or at least, he is silent and doesn't protest when Lucius talks down about them.

Snape is not a rightious person, he's fearful and self-preserving.

He may step in and protect Lilly, but he'd stand by, and even let himself be pressured into participating with mi or bullying, or at least name-calling, of other muggleborns.

Lilly know Snape is a good person, deep down. But as the years pass, he seems to change, to become someone else, someone less nice.

Then one day she sees that aweful bully Potter humiliate her best friend, and she tells him off, wanting to help her friend.

But her reward for helping him is an angily thrown insult, "mudblood", an aweful word thrown at her.

At it strikes her like a sword through her heart!

Was her other friends right all along? IS he as bad as they say?

And worse yet... Was THAT what he REALLY thought about her?!

She starts to tear up, and she runs so no one will see her cry. She can't let him see how much it hurt.

Later she wants to confront him, like the Gryffindor she is, but he seems to avoid her. And that hurts her even more.

Maybe he never cared? Or something happened?

OR maybe she waited for him to come and apologise. She knew he didn't mean it, but her pride refused to let her be the one to aproach him first. But he never came.
.

That is my theory anyway. Based on my studies of humans and human psychology.

Forgiveness, like what Harry does with Hermione, is almost non existent.

That said, I think Harry would ve better off had he stated there's nothing TO forgive.

She said words that some people agree us bad, but it didn't hurt him.

It's like when girls who call their friends bitches, sluts and ho's doesn't actually hurt eachother, despite the namecalling.

Or if you call your lazy friend a layabout, and he grins and agrees.

(Or if someone calls me an evil asshole. I'd likely be flattered.)

My point is...

Harry is very nicely in-character, and you deserve one of Neville's happy-cookies in reward. _

Speaking of chinese checkers... whatever happened to ron? And why hasn't his mom kicked up a fuss like the overprotective dragon-mother she is, about Harry punching her baby boy in the face?

And is dumbledore plotting something? If ron's been keeping his distance, then he's sure to have realized they're not friends.

I wonder if he plans to use Ginny...

Not that Ginny woyld willingly betray Harry, whom she idolize like a creepy yandere stalker, but, well... she DID write in a book that wrote back despite her parents warnings of doing exactly that.

(I swear Ginny would be perfect in the role of Hamasaki from the app game "Yandere girlfriend". Cooking food, being nice and cute and cheerful. Always supportive, always kind and helpful to him, nurturing him when he's sick... wack her love intrest over the head, lock him up, carve her initials into his legs and then try to kill another girl he spend time with... yeah...)

She's dumb enough to fall for the amateurish villain plots your version of dumbledore comes up with too.

Huh. This is turning into a crack-fic, just like most stories that tries to hammer in events from the book where they don't fit, and/or that has a lot of OC characters...

And yet somehow those are not the REASONS it's turning to crack. xD

Grabted, it's just humor-infused as of yet, and nothi g overly unrealistic and, well, crack.

But it's kinda amusing. Lol

Awww... Poor Dobby.

But also: Serious kudos for killing Dobby! _
It's very much in-character for Harry to do.

Mmh, it went so quickly tho that it won't tug at your readers heartstrings all that much. So if you want some advice; try to make the killing sader. Like, maybe have his last thought be "He only wabted to help..." or something.

Stories are best when they make you feel something strongly.

It doesn't matter if you feel good or bad, just that it makes you FEEL. It's the core of every great story out there.

Just think of Lord of the Rings, as an example. Two seconds un and you feel warm, fluffy feelings associated with the shire. Later you feel Frodo's fear, and Sam's loyal devotion and upbeat nature. And the terror of the Nazguls, the awe of the elven kingdom... I could go on.

What makes it so great is not the story told -it's a steriotypical Hero's Journey that plays out in ever fantasy novel ever written-. What makes it great is how it makes you FEEL.

Same with Harry potter. Perhaps even more so, because the first book of Harry Potter is both really bad AND really great. Littered with errors, but also with the awe of magic, and the cute childishness of it all. And mystery.

Litterally speaking it's an error-ridden mockup of overused cliches, stealing everything inside if from other stories, and telling a bare basic typical fantasy story told a thousand times before in pretty much every disney movie ever.

But it's also one of the greatest stories written in the modern world, exactly because of those feelings involved.

Also kudos for keeping 'mione in-character. And yet actually have her grow and learn and change. Like a real person.

(Far too many writers have their characters stuck with their starting personality as if life never affects them OR they do a 100% personality change after a single event -usually no more than talking to someone who use logic to somehow magucally convice them, which has never happened to any human ever-, and it's just tragic.

It's nice to see a good writer for once. _)

Ooooh, yes you're american. That horoshima bombing as even remotly righteous is SUCH an American attitude. I have litterally NEVER met ANY non american who'd say that. Not one!

A better example would have been Saddam Hussein. Most people agree he's a bad guy.

(I'd say al quaida, but if I remember correctly, america fist created him, then bombed a non-military village and killed 3000 innocent civilians, soooo... also not a good example.

And then americans whined when the same number americans were killed in retaliation in the whole 9/11 shit.

History isn't my strongest subject, but news can't be entierly blocked out either.)

That said, the stort is intresting thus far. Although I AM worried about several OC's being added, that tends to be a bad sign.

But you did manage to make the OC's compelling, and their stories realistic and tied into the plot... (I presume the vampire-turned-human will have a side-storyline where she discover the REAL Vampires of the HP universe. Maybe she'll be hunted by them, maybe she'll spread the word of a cure and he half hated half loved... and maybe it ties in with Lupin... I don't know how, but she has so many options. _)

And that's why I don't outright hate that there is OC characters like I normally would; You miraculusly make it work.

I just hope it doesn't become a habit. Cuz too MANY OC's tend to end in stupidety and disconect from the HP universe. And if I wanted to read an Origional Story, I would not read a fanfic.

But, as I said; you're doing a good job thus far.

(And if I sound suprised, or negative thinking, it's becayse I've read more than 10 000 fanfics, and 90% of them are really, REALLY bad.

And I can see the patterns that seperate the good fics from the bad a little too well. Especially after I started to study writing.

It's actually a good thing to be suprised that someone is doing a good job. Cuz it means I have another food story to read. Lol)

Hrm... I would have argued against Voldemort being a magical Charles Mansion, but then I remembered Voldemort AFTER he went insane, and it's quite apt. Lol

Tom Riddle was a genious. Manson was just a charming idiot who wanted to have his own harem.

The whole race was shit was a result of far too much LSD paired with his acide-infused prophecies starting to loose their grip on the girls, so he moved onto doomsday sayings.

The race shit was, as far as I remember, meant to be something to throw suspicion away from him and his people. I would have to re-read my book on Mansion to be 100% sure, but as far as I remember, he wasn't even remotly racist himself. (Oooor... he was it because he was raped by some black guys in prison. I could be mixing him up with a serial killer from another real crime book.)

But theb, Voldemort doesn't believe in pureblood dogma either.

Not only has he NEVER shown a hunt of it, AND there HAS been muggleborn death eaters (tho very, very few. Grindewald had more), but he is half-blood himself.

So if he honestly believed in pureblood dogma, he'd be forced to think of himself as lesser worth. And we all know Voldemort has an insane ego. (And not a false ego, like a Narcissist have. A REAL belief in his own superiority like a Sociopath often have.)

But the Elite belied it, and Grindewald left a bunch of pureblood supremasists without a leader, so it was a ready-made army for someone willing to pretend to believe them.

(He also seem to have been a father-figure for Barty, and the perfect, unreachable lover for Bella, which suggests he acted like a Chameleon and became what each person most needed.

...before he went one Horcrux too far and went bat-crap crazy.)

Manson, on the other hand, strikes me as... simple. In the way Hagrid is Simple.

Not quite retarded, bur certantly not smart.

(And lousy at killing people too. I read the accou t of how those killings went down, and it sounds like a doped-out bloody mess where no one knew what they were doing.

The cruelty in the killings were not by design, but caused by sheer stupidety and uncertainty. Paired with a need to obey what the man-child told them in a drug-induced haze.)

I love Villains, but I have very little respect for Manson.

SERIOUS Kudos for the Rita Skeeter thing tho! PERFECTLY written! _

Actually barking at a dog works if you're bigger and louder than them. Kicking them in the head helps too. I've been attacked numerous times and now I go for the maim if not the kill when attacked by dogs. I had a pack of them attack a friend of mine in a wheelchair. she was defenseless and they would have killed her if I didn't shred them to pieces first.

Thank you for writing this. It was great

Hey there, I’m really enjoying the story. I have a quick question. Is Grace, the tattoo artist, based on Grace Neutral? Thank you.

Right, now he's glowing. It's a sign for me to quit this crap.

Jeez, this HUGE useless A/N, all fucking time.

Actually one question. Why the crap did he spare the now Daywalker who chomped his neck and befriend her yet killed Dobby who blatantly said he was trying to protect him from mortal danger?

Barely even tried with the questioning.

Trying to protect him and he has Dobby killed. This story really is too much. Overboard in a considerably unenjoyable way. Some of it was interesting and theres clear well done effort. The story itself though. Just not an enjoyable read and that with Dobby was just completely freaking offputting.