Reviews for No Choice |
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![]() ![]() ![]() Really loving the story so far |
![]() ![]() ![]() Love the start of this, typically in these types of stories Percy is just a young man. It will be interesting for a more experienced Percy to go through this, also love that he already has a child. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Bruh this shit is perfect |
![]() ![]() ![]() Artemis smoking weed... SOLD! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Damn that was intense, makes me needa dab |
![]() ![]() ![]() last chapter i thought painted it as his first time was drunk accident after annie broke up with him that lead to his daughter and he hasn't since as he been busy caring for her now he slept around a decent amount in a short time how does he not have more kids like a little navel fleet of them various baby gods titans and demi gods lols as humorous as that be im glad it just selena well besides that this was interesting thanks for the update hope to see more i guess a slow burn of them falling in love |
![]() ![]() im shook from the fact that he was 13 the first time... |
![]() ![]() ![]() Now THIS is a fanfiction. weed godpercy |
![]() ![]() ![]() Damn Percy is a man whore XD |
![]() ![]() ![]() Nice |
![]() ![]() ![]() Chapter 1 review part 2: Most readers are not stupid, so they don’t need everything spelled out for them. In fact, the act of trying to find hints in the story can increase engagement and development a sense of achievement or familiarity with the story as they put together the pieces. Example 1: The moment Selene calls Percy “dad”, it’s almost a certainty that she’s his biological daughter, but can be easily clarified with dialogue or description. While describing her appearance, it can clarified that she is his biological daughter. Simultaneously, you can segue to the story about her mother by identifying characteristics that clearly don’t belong to Percy. It flows more naturally than jumping into why Annabeth is no longer with him when you just introduced the daughter. Example 2: Hermes’ appearance was an amazing choice for introducing Percy as a member of the Olympian council. Some dialogue tweaks would’ve been sufficient to inform the reader that Percy became a god. E.g. HermesYou know, you’re lucky you’re the god of heroes and demigods, so you can spend as much time as you want yuh your daughter.” Or HermesSometimes, I hate being a god. These council meetings can be a drag, and I heard this just about another spat between Zeus and Poseidon.” PercyYeah, that’s one thing I was not looking forward to when I joined the Olympian Council.” Any number of dialogue variations could work, but hinting at the backstory through the circumstance and dialogue would’ve been superior to Percy narrating some exposition. Example 3: As with Example 2 with Hermes, some dialogue changes could have better introduced the new character dynamic between Artemis and Percy while avoiding narrative exposition. For instance, you could have Percy or Artemis reference or tease each other about a past shared experience. Other alternatives I can think of would include Artemis saying something along the lines of “If you weren’t my friend, I would’ve turned you into a jackalope by now.” Or “Just because you’re my friend doesn’t mean that you can...” Etc. Using dialogue to introduce the non-canon backstories would’ve helped the story flow better compared to interruptions by Percy to directly address the reader. I honestly do like the story. I just feel strongly sometimes when a story has ridiculous plot holes I can’t wave off or have writing idiosyncrasies that take away from enjoying the chapter. I hope I don’t come off angry; I tried to keep the critique as functional as possible. I look forward to the next chapter! |
![]() ![]() ![]() I like the premise of the story, so I’m going to follow it. I really enjoy the family fluff/emotional moments you wrote in The Dark Lord, so I’m optimistic about this one as well. My main critique though pertains to the exposition in his internal monologue, which also touches on a writing method that I don’t particularly like. I will be upfront and say I absolutely hate it whenever the character talks to the reader. It breaks immersion too easily, and there are alternatives to get the same effect if you simply need exclamatory statements in your story. For example, instead of an exclamatory statement to the reader, you can use a rhetorical statement instead. You can get a similar effect without needing to risk breaking immersion. This is similar to what Rick Riordan does in his stories. He uses a 3rd person limited perspective (which changes character focus depending on the chapter) with rhetorical internal statements for exclamations or though processes. Still, this part of my critique borders on personal preference, so it might not hurt the story in the grand scheme of things. Besides that, the exposition of the background could use some work. I understand that some of the background of the story is different from canon, and you don’t want to spend too much time on it. I commend that sentiment, and enjoy that you jumped right into the story. However, I find it unfortunate that you had to reveal the differences in canon background through conversation directed at the reader. I think it would’ve been better if left parts of it a mystery and revealed the setting through dialogue, actions, and circumstance. Original stories do this all the time in their world building, so I think a similar approach would work and may even improve the story. Most readers are not stupid, so they don’t need everything spelled out for them. In fact, the act of trying to find hints in the story can increase engagement and development a sense of achievement or familiarity with the story as they put together the pieces. Example 1: The moment Selene calls Percy “dad”, it’s almost a certainty that she’s his biological daughter, but can be easily clarified with dialogue or description. While describing her appearance, it can clarified that she is his biological daughter. Simultaneously, you can segue to the story about her mother by identifying characteristics that clearly don’t belong to Percy. It flows more naturally than jumping into why Annabeth is no longer with him when you just introduced the daughter. Example 2: Hermes’ appearance was an amazing choice for introducing Percy as a member of the Olympian council. Some dialogue tweaks would’ve been sufficient to inform the reader that Percy became a god. E.g. HermesYou know, you’re lucky you’re the god of heroes and demigods, so you can spend as much time as you want yuh your daughter.” Or HermesSometimes, I hate being a god. These council meetings can be a drag, and I heard this just about another spat between Zeus and Poseidon.” PercyYeah, that’s one thing I was not looking forward to when I joined the Olympian Council.” Any number of dialogue variations could work, but hinting at the backstory through the circumstance and dialogue would’ve been superior to Percy narrating some exposition. Example 3: As with Example 2 with Hermes, some dialogue changes could have better introduced the new character dynamic between Artemis and Percy while avoiding narrative exposition. For instance, you could have Percy or Artemis reference or tease each other about a past shared experience. Other alternatives I can think of would include Artemis saying something along the lines of “If you weren’t my friend, I would’ve turned you into a jackalope by now.” Or “Just because you’re my friend doesn’t mean that you can...” Etc. Using dialogue to introduce the non-canon backstories would’ve helped the story flow better compared to interruptions by Percy to directly address the reader. I honestly do like the story. I just feel strongly sometimes when a story has ridiculous plot holes I can’t wave off or have writing idiosyncrasies that take away from enjoying the chapter. I hope I don’t come off angry; I tried to keep the critique as functional as possible. I look forward to the next chapter! |
![]() ![]() ![]() I look forward to seeing where you take this... |
![]() ![]() ![]() Good so far, I look forward to reading more in the future. |
![]() ![]() Wow.. nice chap. Cant wait for the next one! |