Reviews for Adults Talking
Katie Grey chapter 1 . 6/8
Hi, I'm here from the review game and not fandom-blind, actually, I used to be a huge potterhead :)
First paragraph confused me a bit. You say the night is 'wretched', and then go on to describe it as 'crisp and cold,' and 'drenched in stars' which all sounds rather nice to me. Perhaps start off by mentioning that there are 'insufferable teenage couples' out tonight, and then go on to mention the stars. Or, perhaps, get rid of the teenage couples entirely, and have the night be rainy and bleak instead.
Also in that paragraph, the usage of the word 'corps' confused me. I'm not sure what you meant by it. I think you have the wrong word, but I don't know which one you meant to use.
Throughout this chapter I wasn't really sure where Snape and the death eaters were. In the first sentence you mentioned a forest clearing, but you could expand on that. Are they surrounded by dense trees and brush? Are they near Hogwarts, can they see it in the distance? Or are they somewhere else? I really had no idea of their location throughout this and it was a bit disorienting.
I loved your characterization of Bellatrix. "It wasn't the witch's power he feared, but her feral sadism" is a great line from Snape. The way she sways as if the ground is moving beneath her. I REALLY loved the line about her smell of jasmine and amber, and how Snape wonders "if she used it to keep away wild animals in the woods". Made me laugh, and super in-character for Snape.
In fact, you did a wonderful job with Snape's character throughout this! The lines about him not wanting to appear weak struck me as extremely spot-on. His secret, rather unkind opinions of Goyle and Yaxley were pretty fun to read, but he hides them well, not giving anything away. I love stories about Snape, he's such an interesting character and of course with the double-agent thing, any story around him makes for a great read.
You have some great descriptions in this. "Silence crackled with the energy of an apparition," "She moved jerkily like a marten searching for prey," "dark hair ruffled without reason", "She could pass off as a French courtesan" - all wonderful. You have a way with words, and I really enjoyed this story because of that, as well as your spot-on characterization.
I liked the dialogue as well. Especially Snape's line, "Which does not mean unharmed, or in one piece, so... enjoy the evening."
The story itself is intriguing. I'm nervous for Sirius. After reading this, I really enjoy the title, it made me smile after realizing that this chapter was, essentially, just adults talking.
All in all, great job! You've got a good story here with lots of promise. :)
The ink stained poet chapter 1 . 6/6
Nice story you have here. I could picture the scene really vividly. I loved your descriptions of the characters, especially Bellatrix. "Moving jerkily like a marten searching for prey." Really interesting description, but well chosen, in my opinion.
The opening was really well written, in my opinion, and created a beautiful image. I loved the phrase "the night sky drenched in stars."
As the story went on, I really enjoyed the premise and idea. Very interesting indeed. Great job!
This is all my opinion. (obviously) Hope you have a good day!