Reviews for Daeron the Worthy(Jon Snow SI) |
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![]() ![]() Nice job. I agree with some comments about people teleporting. It would take more than a year to move his armies around westeros, and suddenly having jon turn up outa nowhere sorta breaks the lack of fluidity of the work. You do say at points ‘oh, he got a ship from here and rose there’ or ‘his armies travelled to this port and sailed to that port’ or whatever, but as an afterthought ruins the mental tracking of his armies, and just sort of - as others have said - makes it seem like people are teleporting around. But the fact that i, someone who is incredibly critical of works and will be blunt as fuck to writers when they mess up, have not excessively sworn or listed issues for days just goes to show the quality of the work. It could use a little fleshing out in places, maybe sections added to further explain jon’s troop movements or his own reasons for turning up and not just dropping his surprise appearance halfway across the continent out of nowhere (i get the need for suspense, but the way you executed it as said is poorly done - you could have had a short pov change at the climax before he turns up to explain his strategies and him travelling), but this was overall a great read. A solid 8/9 out of 10. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Calling him Tommon Baratheon instead of waters... Nice to see Dany and Daeron united. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Something cathartic about sticking it to all the Lannisters. But a blood feud sets a bad precident. Every lord will be thinking it fasionable to declare blood feuds. Ah well, it's just fantasy. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Yeeesh, well if that's what it takes to defeat the dead.. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Excellent speech |
![]() ![]() ![]() Don't mention when you split a chapter! That only brings disapointment to your readers and what we don't know, we can't be upset about! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Baelish's anger being directed at the Starks instead of Lord Hoster Tully never made sense to me! Lord Hoster is the only one that could agree os disagree to any match for his children afterall. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Love the end oh fuck |
![]() ![]() ![]() Overall it was an average story but I doubt I will ever reread it. I would have been harsher but the ending added many things lacking from the rest of the story and gave it a solid conclusion. Too much of the story is just one long revenge arc with a very limited assortment of scene types and four or so different types of internal monologue from many points of view. That lead to a very samey feel for the majority of the chapters. The locations changed over time but the tone, what was happening, and the characters themselves where basically just copy paste. While I wouldn't call this story bad I also wouldn't recommend it, there are better SI stories and there are better john/dany stories. Even thinking about those tags makes me realize how one note this story really is. Many time while reading and for long stretches I would forget that is even was a SI story because it hardly ever mattered or came up in the story. As far as the pairing goes it doesn't materialize until the very end of the story and is only rarely commented on in any form before that. TLDR: find something better. |
![]() ![]() youve made lyra out to be a bratty little kunt instead of the proud warrior she was in the show |
![]() ![]() I have done the same when I get snagged with writer's block about a specific story. I get new plot Bunnys for other stories. I put them safely in google docs to see if later they will turn into story. |
![]() ![]() ![]() while daeron is a good name, i dont really find it a strong name. maybe jaehaerys, daemon or maybe even aerion |
![]() ![]() ![]() An amazing fic ! |
![]() ![]() ![]() gran historia, gran final |
![]() ![]() ![]() Did he capture Jaime? |